Disclaimer: Naruto and all the characters in this fic belong to Kishimoto Masashi.

Warning: BL, Shounen-ai, violence, crack, AU, coarse language.

Okay, I cannot even begin to tell you how sorry I am for not updating this. If any of my old fans are still reading, I'm still sorry. I've just been so busy.

I reread the story, and my work wasn't so good in the beginning. I mean, I was like, I was pretty damn young when I started this fic, and I'll be damned if my writing hasn't improved (and it's still getting better) (smiley face here). I'm thinking of revamping the story. So… yeah, forgive me. Insert the biggest freaking smiley face ever. (1) I don't remember where I heard this song.

I love you all.

Finale: Autumn Festival

--

Sasuke sat down with a sigh. His parents seemed fond of Naruto; however, he wished the meeting could have been less embarrassing. Just when Sasuke had thought things couldn't get any worse, he logged on and remembered that Naruto had no clue he was "Avenger" and practically stalked him. Whether Sasuke "practically stalked" or plain, flat-out stalked Naruto is debatable.

Sasuke knew he should confess since the romantic novels, fashion magazines, and Tenten had said "the key of a strong relationship is trust." It should be easy for Sasuke to tell Naruto considering how understanding Naruto is. But to let someone know a great Uchiha had been stalking someone... well that would make Uchihas seem not as great.

Sasuke and Naruto's relationship had been steady to a certain point. Okay, who was he kidding? It was as smooth as, his uncle, Obito's dance moves… which happened to not be very smooth.

Sasuke sighed. "Hn," he grunted and set out on another scheme to make the relationship work. He ordered thirteen books online about repairing relationships, and looked at the number of books in his cart. Unsatisfied, he added another one. "Hn," he grunted again, just for fun.

Naruto logged on. "Crap, crap, crap" sirens were blaring in Sasuke's mind.

Kyuubi: hey whatsup

The "crap, crap, crap" sirens suddenly suspiciously resembled Jingle Bells. Crap, crap, crap. Crap, crap, crap. Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap. Yep, Sasuke has lost his mind. "Oi, tea," he shouted into the intercom.

Kyuubi: u their/

Sasuke, the anal-grammar-freak perfectionist, almost pulled his hair out at the misuse of "their." "Hn," he said, instead. A maid arrived with tea and set it down on his desk, gently. Then, she stiffly, and as stealthily as possible, backed out of the room.

Avenger: Naruto, I have something to tell you.

Kyuubi: yah whatshit?

Sasuke raised a neat eyebrow. What the shit does "whatshit" mean?

Kyuubi: *what is it

Now, the least of Sasuke's problems were figuring "whatshit" meant and overcoming his frustration of improper homophones. Sasuke took a deep breath and held it.

Avenger: Promise not to be mad.

Kyuubi: u stole the cookie from the cookie jar.

"What. The. Hell?" How did Naruto know? That was seven years ago. Even Itachi hasn't found out, yet.

Kyuubi: just kidding. I promise.

Honesty is key, right?

Avenger: Well, yes, I stole the cookie, but that's not what I wanted to tell you. I'm actually Sasuke.

Kyuubi: that's cool. Y didn't u tell me earlier?

That's right? Why didn't he? He knew Naruto was a very understanding person. Oh right, because Sasuke always over thinks things when it comes to Naruto.

Avenger: Just because… I'm a mystery.

Suave. Cool. Smooth. LAME! Sasuke mentally smashed his skull with a metal baseball bat.

Avenger: Just kidding. Anyways, get ready for the Autumn Festival.

Kyuubi: Neji says that itll be cool. I cant wait.

Avenger: Yeah, same. It'll be fun. I got to go. Bye.

Sasuke understood that Neji was one of Naruto's first friends in Konoha, but he just couldn't stand the way Neji looked at his Naruto with such lustful eyes. Sasuke had to stake his claim.

He sipped some tea. It tasted weird and it was too thick to be tea. He looked down and saw his cup filled with mayonnaise mixed with water.

"Sai!" Sasuke growled. His smiling cousin came to the doorway.

"What's up?" Sai's smile widened when he saw the condiment-filled cup. "That's funny," he added.

"No, it's not. Stop these stupid pranks or I'll break your arm," Sasuke shot Sai a menacing glare.

"I would if I was the one who did it." Sai's smile widened. "Looks like I have competition."

"No, you don't. You're going to help me catch who did this, and then you're going to stop with these childish pranks," Sasuke commanded. He was damn pissed about the Neji comment, plus it's about time he stood up for himself.

"Fine, don't get your panties in a twist, as they say," Sai sighed. "Once a week?"

Sasuke groaned. "Fine, whatever."

"Okay, first clue: the letter under the cup of mayonnaise, which is not low-fat, by the way," Sai said, sliding the letter out from under the cup. "Read."

"Not so dear Sasuke,

I hope you gain three pounds from this extra fattening cup of mayonnaise. Boss is depressed now; I lost my job, and fuck you. Fuck you and Naruto to hell. Seriously. I will screw up all your dates from now on. Die, bitch.

Not so sincerely,

The guy who hates your guts."

"It seems Naruto and you have a hater, dear cousin," Sai commented. He plopped down on the big bed. "Well, how do you feel?"

"I can't believe he called me a bitch. I am not a bitch," Sasuke bitched. "Oh, he won't ruin our dates. When I find him, I'm going to kick his ass."

"So, how are you going to find him?"

"You'll help me. At the autumn festival, you're going to corner him and catch him," Sasuke answered.

"And what will you be doing?" Sai asked. He started throwing Sasuke's pillow into the air and catching it.

"I'll be on a sweet date with Naruto," Sasuke replied. His face was calm. Fwump! The pillow hit Sasuke in the face. Hard. "What the hell?"

"Sorry, I got bored. Sure, I'll help you," Sai said. Sasuke raised an eyebrow sceptically.

"What's the catch?" he demanded.

"I want to eat a human being," Sai answered, dead serious. An awkward silence hung over the two cousins. "I want a new easel, painting set, charcoals, and a box of peanuts imported from Sunagakure."

"Sure, whatever," Sasuke nonchalantly replied. He knew not to question his cousin anymore. Sai got up and walked to the door. "Sai, I don't wear panties, only boxers or none at all." Sasuke smirked and shut the door. He took a shower, put on his foot pyjamas and went to sleep.

-Day of the Autumn Festival-

Everything was glorious. The wind had a cool breeze, and danced in the warm, oblique autumn sunrays. The tree leaves were red, orange, and yellow, resembling a passionate fire that never stops burning. Sasuke could smell the fresh lilies from his parents' room. He had a feeling it was going to be a good day.

Sasuke got out of his foot pyjamas and into custom-made traditional robes. An Uchiha fan was embroidered on the back. He looked at his alarm clock and it said: 12:00. Perfect. He spiked the back of his hair into the "Sasuke-sex-bomb" style and gave his mirror a chilling smirk.

"This is it," Sasuke said reassuringly to his reflection.

"You know… that's actually you and not someone else, right? Your robes look kind of loose; try a rope as a belt or something."

Sasuke looked in the mirror. Sai and Itachi were standing behind him. "What are you two doing here?" demanded Sasuke.

"The limousine driver will be here in two hours. He's shopping," Itachi stated then left.

"Sasuke, have you gone crazy from sexual frustration?" Sai asked and followed Itachi out the door.

Sasuke was left standing alone, in his the middle of his washroom, feeling quite embarrassed.

Sasuke swaggered into his kitchen, in an attempt to look more like a sex bomb than usual. "Raidou, I want green salad and onigiri," he stated. Five minutes later, Raidou placed in front of him. "What the hell is this?" Sasuke asked, poking the sugar-loaded thing of pure evil.

"That is a caramel and chocolate croissant. The inside is filled with chocolate and the surface is drizzled with smooth caramel and the finest chocolate. I powdered it with icing sugar," Raidou explained. He was going off into heaven…. Or something like that.

"I asked for onigiri and green salad," Sasuke said, trying to keep his temper under control.

"What? I can't hear you." Raidou took off his earphones and placed it on the surface of the kitchen counter. "Yeah?"

"Seriously, I asked for onigiri and green salad," repeated the pissed off Uchiha.

"Really? I just received a letter this morning, and these really cool earphones for my UchiPod. Your brother comes up with the most useful things," Raidou said, once again going off into heaven.

"Show me the letter," Sasuke barked. Raidou handed it over, confused.

"Dear chef of Uchiha manor,

Please give me the sweetest thing you have in your kitchen. Pack it with loads of calories. Here are some earphones for your UchiPod.

Keep up the good work,

Uchiha Sasuke."

Sasuke raised his eyebrow. "You don't find this weird at all?" he asked.

"Now that you mention it, you'd never compliment me and you don't like sweets. I guess I was so happy that you complimented my work that I forgot."

"Whatever, just hurry with the green salad and onigiri."

After five more minutes, Sasuke got what he wanted and satisfactorily ate his breakfast. Itachi came into the kitchen and grabbed the croissant, sat down beside Sasuke, and took a huge bite out of the croissant.

"Uchihas have fast metabolism. You shouldn't watch your weight so much," Itachi stated.

"I just don't like sweets," was the swift reply.

"Your limousine is early," stated Itachi.

"Bye."

"Bye."

- Living room-

His driver turned out to be an hour earlier than he had said he'd be.

It was too early to pick up Naruto. Sasuke sat lazily on his couch, watching the latest episode of Chouji's father's cooking show. It's not like Sasuke needed to cook, but he secretly thought the food looked amazing.

Sasuke looked ordered the maid to open the silk curtains. It was made of creamy-white silk and had green leaves carefully embroidered on it. His mother had decided to embrace their historical roots and decorated the house with festive Konoha decorations. She had said it was "just in time for the Autumn Festival. Now we can have a blast." Seriously, her words, not Sasuke's.

The raven sniffed the air. Something was burning. He panicked and looked around; the curtains were burning. The maid was standing there in shock, holding onto a note.

"Shit!" Sasuke shouted. The fire alarm went off. "Sai, Itachi! Get the extinguisher!"

"What happened?" Sai asked, conveniently pulling out a fire extinguisher. Itachi came up beside him, silent.

"I don't know. It just started fucking burning," uttered Sasuke.

He looked at the maid and snatched the letter from her hands. It was in an envelope this time. A bit worried, Sasuke fiercely ripped the envelope open.

It was filled with pictures of Naruto.

"Fuck." Sasuke took out his phone and speed dialled Naruto's home phone.

"Hello?" It was Iruka-sensei.

"Hello. Is Naruto there?"

"Yeah, hold on." Sasuke grasped his phone tighter. "NARUTO, PHONE!"

"Hello, who is this?" Naruto asked.

"Thank the Hokages you're all right," Sasuke let out a sigh of relief.

"Hey Sasuke... Why wouldn't I be?"

"Never mind that, instead, get ready for the Autumn Festival. I'm coming to pick you up right now," said Sasuke.

"I'm already ready," Naruto declared. "Bye."

Sasuke shut off his phone. Through an intercom, he instructed his driver to wait at the front gate.

-Naruto's House-

Naruto was waiting on the sidewalk, where the sunshine illuminated his sun-kissed face and golden hair. He was wearing traditional robes with leaf, spirals, and the legendary nine-tailed monster, Kyuubi, embroidered on top of the chest.

Sasuke arrived in fifteen minutes. Naruto waddled to the limo, careful to not trip over his loose fitting robes, and then he shot Sasuke a toothy smile as he plopped down next to him. Sasuke let himself smile back, hoping the limo driver didn't see it.

"You look great," Sasuke said.

"You do, too."

They sat in silence for five minutes before they started talking about the cool video game store that opened last week. The limo driver gave Sasuke a rope, and Sasuke grumpily tied it around his robe.

-Autumn Festival-

Sasuke and Naruto got dropped off at the front gates. It was decorated with several banners that had the Konoha swirly leaf symbols on it. Stands were set up: games, food, shops. People were adorned in traditional robes and shoes.

"I want to go to the ramen stand!" Naruto shouted heatedly. He ran ahead, holding Sasuke's hand and dragging him along. Smiling, Sasuke tried to keep up with Naruto's running speed. They stopped in front of a ramen stall. A girl with brown hair served them their ramen, while checking out Sasuke… seven times.

Naruto inhaled his ramen at an inhuman speed. Sasuke gulped, hoping the blond would not choke… On second thought, that would mean mouth-to-mouth. Sasuke blushed. Still, he wouldn't want to put Naruto in a dangerous position like that.

Naruto swallowed his ramen and whispered, "Sasuke, doesn't it feel like we're being watched?" Sasuke hadn't. He had let himself relax, even though he promised that he would protect Naruto.

"Don't worry about it," Sasuke replied, caressing Naruto's fingers.

The ramen stand girl was singing some vulgar song from the kitchen. "Nobody is a slut no more! I can't screw them. I can't fuck them. I have to call them! If I do, they'll cry and run home to their fucking shameless mothers!" (1) She came out with two more steaming bowls of ramen and placed them in front of Naruto. "Two miso ramen."

Sasuke inspected them carefully. There was a ring in the miso ramen which Naruto was about to consume. "Naruto, stop!" Sasuke plucked the ring out.

Sasuke lashed out at the woman behind the counter, grabbing her by her collar. He snarled at her and held up the ring. "What the hell is this?"

"T-there was a note from you… it said that you wanted to profess your love. I-I-I didn't… I was trying to help you. Your let-letter told me to."

At the inhuman rate Naruto was eating, he could've choked on the sharp, jagged ring. Messing with Sasuke was one thing, but to actually put Naruto's life in danger…

This means war.

When Sai finds this bastard, Sasuke is going to hurt him so horribly that the asshole would piss himself, and the psycho will continue to piss himself from the nightmares that would follow the beating. Sasuke flipped open his phone and dialled Sai's number.

"Sai speaking."

"Did you find anyone suspicious?" Sasuke asked.

"Yes. In fact, I've narrowed the suspects down to three people," Sai replied.

"Why don't you just narrow that down to one?" Sasuke snapped, feeling frustrated.

"Half the female population under thirty is outside the ramen stand you're in. Don't snap at me. I'm doing you a favour." Sai retorted.

"Whatever. Who is it?"

"A somewhat strong-looking overweight fellow with a weird hairdo, an old man with three bottom teeth and a little blonde with a cane."

"Okay, work on it."

Sasuke hung up then looked to his left and saw a little old lady holding a cane. He looked to Naruto and saw the overweight fellow sitting beside Naruto. Where was the old fart with dental problems?

Sasuke encircled Naruto's waist with his arms. Naruto looked at him with confusion, and Sasuke just flashed him a dashing as fuck smile.

Gaara entered the ramen stall with Lee in tow. Lee as in Rock Lee. Sasuke almost gasped from shock. He hadn't known they were friends. He wasn't one to be all in other people's business, but damn, he would have known if they were friends.

"Hello, Gaara," Naruto said.

Sasuke nodded.

Gaara nodded.

"Hello, my dear youthful friends! How are you!? Are you enjoying the fair?! Neji is helping out at the maid café! Oh, he is so youthful and full of energetic fire!"

Sasuke nodded again.

Gaara nodded again.

"Is he?" Naruto piped. "I hope he's not dressed as a maid. That'd be weird."

Gaara flushed, remembering his cross-dressing adventure; he decided to change the topic. "Kiba is here with Shino."

"I'm glad they're friends again!" Lee shouted. "So much happiness our generation!"

Sasuke and Naruto left the ramen stall. Sasuke dully made a note that the overweight man was tailing them. Sai said he would take care of the situation, so who was Sasuke to challenge him. Well, Sasuke always challenged Sai's worthiness of life, but just this once, he'd let Sai handle this.

Kiba and Shino were at a stand, trying to catch a goldfish with a paper net. They laughed and talked like they were the only ones in the festival. The two suited each other.

Gaara was treating Lee to a bowl of ramen. Gaara sat quietly as he watched the green youth-obsessed boy eat his ramen.

Neji was not in drag, but he was helping Hinata serve, in an effeminate way, frozen yogurts to Itachi. Apparently, frozen yogurts are a healthier alternative to ice cream. Sasuke froze. What the fuck was Itachi doing here? Wait; was he here the whole time? He was sitting in a table with Kisame, Deidara, and the DJ slash gangster, Sasori.

Sasori looked up at Sasuke and Naruto and whispered something to Itachi. Sasuke's older brother then proceeded quickly and gracefully managed to pull his UchiPhone from his back pocket and dial some numbers.

Sasuke walked a bit faster, feeling as if he interrupted their special nightclub member frozen yogurt orgy.

"Sasuke, why you have been so jittery all day," Naruto asked, looking up at Sasuke's face.

"No reason."

"Don't lie to me."

Just then, a large shadow loomed over them. The overweight, strong boy was holding a gun three metres away from Naruto. "Don't move," the man said.

"Oh God, why does this always happen to me?" Naruto murmured. Sasuke, on the other hand, was too scared to even move. What if this psychotic sick fuck hurt Naruto? Sasuke wouldn't let himself live on. How could he live without Naruto?

"Shut up, and die." This was all it took for Sasuke to run in front of Naruto and use his body to shield the blond from the gun. His final thoughts were that he shouldn't have trusted Sai. His final wish was for Naruto to be able to safely escape.

A bunch of policemen restrained the man with the gun. "Jiroubou, you are arrested for attempted murder and possession of dangerous arms." A crowd had gathered around them. Itachi and his Akatsuki were giving their reports to the police.

"Nah, I recognized this guy from the rival gang, I mean, the nightclub. He caused trouble, or something. I saw him trailing after Itachi's brother." Sasori reported. The policemen ate up his story.

Naruto was frozen in shock from the moment he saw Sasuke's body fall in front of him. Red liquid was oozing out of his stomach.

"Oh god, oh god. Sasuke…"

"The ambulance is on the way. Please step back," said one of the police guys. Naruto ignored him. His world was dead.

"Don't worry about it." Everyone turned to Sai, wondering why on earth he would say that. Fan girls were sharpening their knives to slit his neck. "It's just a red paint capsule."

As if on cue, Sasuke started to stir. "Ow, fuck, my hea— oomph" Naruto had jumped on top of Sasuke and proceeded to glomp the shit out of him.

"Oh, Sasuke! I'm so glad you're okay. I was so scared," sobbed Naruto. "You were just lying there… I'm sor—" Sasuke cut him off with a tender kiss.

The ambulance arrived. "Okay everyone. Stand back," the paramedic lady said. Chiyo was unhappy to see that the "shot victim" was only suffering a mild concussion at worst. "Okay, haha," she dryly remarked, "very funny." She spat on Jiroubou and left.

As the crowd was dissipating, Naruto helped Sasuke stand. "Thanks, but… don't do that again, okay?" sniffed Naruto.

Sasuke gently took hold of Naruto's face and looked him in the eyes. "I will do it as many times as I have to if it means that you are safe."

And they lived happily ever after… Kind of.

"Ugh, that was such a corny line, Sasuke. I feel goose bumps coming out."

Sasuke growled, ready to attack. "Sai, go away. You ruined the fucking mood."

"Calm down, I saved your ass, didn't I?" Sai sat down on the ground and watched Sasuke slowly and threateningly move over to him.

"You, you didn't have to use a fucking red paint capsule. You could've just taken the fucking bullets out."

Sai was a smart boy, so he was able to see clearly how peeved Sasuke truly was. He was also smart enough to know that Sasuke would most likely cause him bodily harm. And of course, Sai was smart enough to run when he needed to. And now was definitely the time to do so. "Yeah, I guess I could have. Well, bye."

Sasuke turned back to Naruto, and they kissed. And fireworks shot off in the distant night sky.

And they lived happily ever after.