TITLE: Right Where They Want Us

AUTHOR: M

SUMMARY: the way Jack's figured it...they're toast, eh?

WRITTEN FOR: hyperfocused

REQUESTED: a secret habit revealed and a piece of professional writing

WORDCOUNT: 3,256

TIMELINES: uhh...SGA/SG1 it's in early S2 for SGA and an AU S9 for SG1

NOTES: This is a crossover and an AU all at once. You'll see what I mean as the fic goes by. The website Jack mentions btw is real. It's here ( http/cwd. ) but don't look until you've read or it'll ruin the fun. :-p This thing is, ahem, slightly crazy. VERY big thanks to mari4212 for the beta!

PAIRINGS: Jack/Daniel, Sheppard/McKay are mentioned outright. Anything else ruins my aforementioned fun. G

"Right Where They Want Us"

by M.

-----

"Are you sure they're even from the same country?"

"Yep. Pretty sure."

"But they don't..." Jack bit off his words and looked over disbelievingly at Daniel. "Are you SURE?"

"Yes, Jack," the other man replied patiently, "I'm sure...I've seen their personnel files." He paused, amusement seeping into his face, then added, "Canada is a very big country. They didn't come from the same part of it."

"Do they organize 'em up there?" The General wondered, surveying the men standing across the room. "Y'know, they put the assholes on one end and the nice guys on the other? It'd explain it. Maybe that's what those lines on the map are. So the rest of us know which part to visit and which part to stay the hell away from." He nodded to himself, deciding this particular theory did much to explain Rodney McKay. "Think we should call up there? Tell the PM they lost one?"

Daniel seemed to be resisting the urge to roll his eyes, a fact which brought Jack a smug grin of accomplishment. If there was one thing better than making fun of Rodney McKay it was definitely aggravating Daniel Jackson., made things so much more interesting when they got home. Maybe, if he was really, really careful, he'd get him really ticked off too. Angry sex was the best. "Maybe they didn't lose him." He pointed out, finally playing along. "Maybe this is their punishment for Reality tv."

"They wouldn't be so cruel." Jack argued. "That's definitely violating the Geneva Conventions and they're so touchy about those."

"Yeah, well, I hear we're bad influences." His lover quipped with some amusement. "So, speaking of Canadians, how did you manage to get them to part with some of their special forces?"

"Oh, I asked - see, me'n the PM? We're like that." Jack held up his fingers to demonstrate, his grin widening when Daniel arched a brow of disbelief. "More like they've had their maple-leaf patterned shorts in a knot for years over the Stargate program. Didn't much like the fact they were paying to help keep the lights on down here but not getting a say in anything. Hammond managed to sneak the odd Canuck in here and there," he inclined his head to the aforementioned Rodney McKay, "whether we liked it or not but nothing official. Even try to hint at the military guys and Washington had a fit."

"Then we let the Russians in." Daniel started to realize where he was going and Jack nodded.

"Exactly. It got shoved to the backburner for a while what with the few near-miss apocalypses and Weir and all. But then I got the job and well, ever see a Canadian pissed off?" He winced dramatically. "Verrrry messy, lemme tell you, Daniel it is not a pretty sight. There was all sorts of political snafoos and what nots and a lot of political mumbojumbo that made my head hurt." He gestured toward said body part with a weary expression. "They were patient but...then they got aggravated and I still think that's really what caused the hockey lockout. Canadian conspiracy to hit me where it hurts."

"Okay so they deprived you of hockey," a fact Jack knew Daniel well remembered. When Jack was deprived of his hockey, well, he had to make his own fun elsewhere and that meant bugging Daniel. It'd been a wonder the poor guy could walk after a while, "and you went through withdrawal...then what?"

"I convinced Hayes it might not be a good idea to keep ticking 'em off. What with the fact they can flip a couple switches and pretty much shut down the Eastern Seaboard or, y'know, send more McKays down here...That made him reconsider and I got to go asking for nice pretty soldier types and well.." He waggled his fingers at the man talking to McKay. "That meant that the good Colonel Fraser here and a few of his friends got to relocate – and you SURE they're from the same country?"

"Yes, Jack." Daniel sighed heavily. "Colonel Fraser and Rodney McKay are from the same country."

"I dunno..." Sheppard spoke up then, his expression dubious. "Fraser's so..."

"Canadian?"

"Yeah and McKay," the newly-minted Colonel waved a hand, searching for the right description, "isn't."

"I actually have a theory to explain that." Jack caught the look of open disbelief which passed over Daniel's face and nudged him with an elbow. "Watch it, I do occasionally think. I just pay you to do it for me. Less stress that way." Ignoring the look that followed that particular remark, he continued on. "See, my theory? This whole 'Canadians are so polite' thing is really this big conspiracy they've been working on for years."

"Oh, it's a Canadian conspiracy?" Daniel shared a look with John and they both turned wary expressions on him. "Like the hockey lockout?"

"Oh, way bigger," He assured sagely. "See, they never did like having to share North America with us. Not after we tried that whole invasion thing. Long memories those Canadians. Anyway, they let us wait a few hundred years, lull into a false sense of security while they worked on the plan, big complicated thing that it is. They wait, let us think they're just these nice friendly people who live next door, make us look good, make good beer and the whole hockey thing a bonus too...and while we're drowning our waffles in their maple syrup and pretty much convinced they're harmless, they start."

Across the room, McKay seemed to grow frustrated with the tall Canadian Air Force colonel and stomped a few steps away before spinning and starting in on him again. Jack watched the exchange with interest, apparently in no hurry to finish his explanation, until Daniel poked him in the side.

"Ow?" Rubbing at the spot, the SGC's commander looked offended. "Watch it, Daniel, I bruise easy." He complained as Daniel seemed to give into the urge and roll his eyes, openly exasperated with him. "What?"

"You stopped."

"Stopped what?"

"You were telling us what the Canadians were planning, sir." Sheppard reminded helpfully.

"Oh, right, that." Jack nodded once. "Well, see, the whole plan? They get us right where they want us and then they start it. They start sending agents across the border. Just a few at first, nothing too obvious. They get a few guys here, a few guys there, make sure a few end up in Hollywood so they can start the propaganda. It's all pretty low key, establishing the framework and all. Nothing too big too fast, they don't want to get us suspicious. Besides, they're a patient bunch, they figure they can wait a few years." He leaned back against the edge of the glossy table, folding his arms across his chest. "But they wait, and they wait and when they're sure we're still clueless they up the stakes. Hockey, a lot more actors, Shatner, they get guys working in the West Wing and for the military and then they hit us with the big one. Their real big guns." He paused dramatically before adding. "That coffee place."

"The coffee place?" Daniel gave him a confused look, his brow furrowing with the attempt to remember just what Jack might be talking about. It was easy to see. Jack could practically watch the words scroll past his eyes, like watching a computer screen or something but with a nice handy interface. "You mean Tim Horton's?"

"Yeah, that's the one. They start sneaking across the border, getting us to try the fancy stuff and the donuts and we get to liking it and then that's where they've got us. We're hooked. We can't get enough of the stuff. Indeed, we've become their bitch." He nodded again, having warmed to the theory. "So that's when it happens."

"What happens?" Sheppard inquired, grinning and looking as though he couldn't quite believe he was hearing what he was hearing from a two-star.

"They launch their plan for world domination. Before long we're all spelling things with u's, being polite, drinking their beer and toasting one to the Queen." He gestured emphatically. "And with us out of the way and under their control, hooked on their coffee and tv, we're powerless to do anything about it and the world's theirs for the taking." He waggled a finger at his audience. "I tell you, we spent all these years and all this money defending the world from the Goa'uld when it wasn't them we had to worry about at all. It was the Canadians!"

Thus said, he sat back and nodded emphatically.

Daniel and John looked at each other then back at him. Both of them seemed at a loss for words, unsure exactly how to proceed in the face of that particular little theory and the revelation that the head of the SGC was apparently a fan of insane conspiracy theories. It appeared that it was going to take some doing to figure out just exactly how this would be approached but Daniel, long used to the eccentricities that made up one Jack O'Neill USAF, was the one to speak first.

Inquiring,"And exactly how did you come to this particular realization?" in that tone of voice that he usually saved for very young children and very strange men. "Have you been watching Jon Stewart again?"

"Nope." Jack shook his head. "Been reading Martha though." He supplied with a cheerful smile. "Uh, Colonel, you mind fetching your geek? He looks about ready to murder one of my brand new Canucks and Fraser's one of the really shiny ones too. Can't spare him, he can track a Goa'uld across three systems with nothing but a piece of his shirt to start with. Course, he's gotta taste the damned thing first. Can't quite figure out why but we don't like to quibble."

Jack held back a smirk as Sheppard gave him another strange look. "Go on…he's your problem, if he bites, the Doc'll give you a shot."

Bemused, the younger man launched himself forward and sauntered across the room to break up the rather one-sided argument. It was particularly good timing as it was. McKay looked about ready to work himself up into a stroke and Jack had a feeling that wouldn't be a good outcome at all. Weir was pretty touchy about that guy, both of them really.

Folding his arms across his chest, he turned his head to the man beside him and commented, sotto voce, "Sleeping together?"

"So I hear." Daniel agreed.

"From who?"

"Friends in the area."

Jack made a faint face at the cryptic words. "Glowy, formerly of the living on this plane friends?"

"Yeah. Still likes to live there actually. Comes and goes as she pleases. Kinda hot." A grin spread across Daniel's face and he flicked an amused glance at Jack. Jack didn't think it was particularly funny but he did think the smug look on Daniel's face was pretty funny so he decided to let it slide. "She mentioned it, she keeps an eye on the city and the goings on for me."

"Keeps an eye on in the sense of not letting them blow themselves up sense?" Jack arched a brow, curious. "Or not letting them get themselves eaten by the local excuse for bad guys sense?"

"In the 'she would but the others would smack her down so fast she'd be a pancake before she knew it' sense." Daniel countered immediately, watching Sheppard try to keep McKay back. "She…kinda broke a few rules, the others kinda took exception and she's kinda like the Birdwoman of Pegasus." Jack looked at him, in the meaningful sense, and he smiled innocently. "Trust me. It's a story."

"I'll bet." Jack muttered with a shake of his head. The Ancients could break a man's brain if they wanted. In the literal sense even. "Okay, so you've got a spy in Pegasus."

"A friend."

"A spy."

"Friend."

"Spy."

"Semantics." Daniel dismissed, creatively finding dancing around the subject. "Hey Ben, sorry about McKay, he can be…a little difficult."

The Canadian soldier stopped, in picture perfect form, before the two of them and nodded precisely. "Indeed. He seems to have convinced himself that I am an incorrect representation of Canadians, indeed a stereotypical one, and is determined to set me straight."

"Now there's a project." Jack commented lightly, blissfully ignoring the look Fraser gave him in response. He seemed to be getting a lot of those that day anyway, which was fun. More he got the better a day he had. "But he'll be heading back to Pegasus shortly and you'll be all with the helping track down of errant system lords."

"Ah yes, a rather interesting experience, might I inquire as to how many Ba'al's we have collected thus far?" Fraser's eyes seemed to glint with humor as he added, "Sergeant Kowalski and Major Vecchio have a…small wager on the number and I have been elected to settle the matter."

"Money?" His commanding officer countered with an arched brow and a look of interest. At the other man's negative headshake, he frowned a bit. "Better?"

"Much." Fraser agreed. "However, I suspect it would not be something which would interest you, General."

"Don't count on it." Daniel warned, barely suppressing a snicker which Jack shot a warning look at him for. So much trouble when he got him home. As the old saying went, Jack could dress him up but he couldn't take him anywhere. Air Force wouldn't let him. "You'd be surprised what interests General O'Neill."

"You would indeed." Jack said pleasantly. "Ah well, I'll get Walter to check on the last count and he'll let you know." He glanced over at Daniel. "You remember that? My memory's not so good. All the blows to the head over the years and all, they've taken a toll."

"So I noticed." The other man responded dryly before looking at Fraser. "I'll see what he can tell me."

"Thank you kindly." The Canadian colonel nodded smartly. "Permission to be excused, Sir?"

Jack blinked but nodded nevertheless. "Go forth, track, chase, get that wolf of yours in a donut eating contest with Teal'c…"

"Oh, I'm afraid not, Sir. Diefenbaker has been put on a special diet. Dr. Lam seems to believe he is gaining far too much weight than is appropriate for a wolf his age." Fraser looked aggravated. "I believe he has taken to midnight snacking, however, I have as yet been unable to prove it."

"Wolves," was his commanding officer's dry response, "can't turn your back on them for a second."

"You most certainly cannot, Sir." Fraser took a step back. "General, Doctor Jackson…" He turned smartly about on his heel and strode from the briefing room.

"Y'know, Daniel, there are days he halfway scares me." Jack commented after the Canadian had departed. "Then there's the days I'm convinced of that whole invasion theory…cause, if that man's not an advance force, I'll eat my shorts."

"He'd better not be." The other man shot back. "I've seen your shorts and I'm not explaining to Carolyn how they got there when she pumps your stomach."

"Nah, let her wonder." He grinned. "Speaking of, when'd she become a vet anyway?"

"She's not. She does it for Fraser because, well, none of the vets around here will see Dief for him. Fraser thinks it's something about him being a bad influence on the other pets."

"Ah yes, his fast food habit," Jack sighed mock-ruefully. "That is a terrible pandemic among unusual pets these days."

Daniel's silence was a strong testament to just how insane he thought Jack was and the General snickered. Just a little. "Um, Jack?"

"Yes Daniel?" Pushing himself away from the table, he nodded at Sheppard who was apparently having a rather difficult time mollifying the still ranting McKay. The physicist was using a very creative mix of four letter words and forty four letter words. Jack had to admire his highly imaginative uses of modern day oaths. As it was, he suspected Daniel was taking notes. But, still, as good as McKay was, he was sure Sheppard wasn't having half as much fun as he did when he was being cursed out in well over twenty different languages. Daniel could out curse more than a few sailors and had. Jack could retire on the bets he'd won over that.

"Exactly how did you find out about this Canadian conspiracy?" Despite following him into his office, Daniel positioned himself at the window so he could keep an eye on their guests. Always had been a bit of a busybody that Daniel.

"Oh y'know," Jack dropped down into his chair and picked up his latest copy of Martha Stewart Living, intent on finishing that article about helpful Halloween hints, "on the web. There's this great site they put together, all about it."

"The Canadians have a website about their own plan for world domination?" Daniel looked skeptical. "Wouldn't that be a bit, self-defeatist?"

"Well, y'know, they're Canadians. Being so polite and all, they're trying to give us a fighting chance." Jack leaned back in his chair and started flipping through pages. "Naturally, we'll completely miss it and the whole thing will be over before it starts. They've got us right where they want us y'know."

"Oh yeah," Daniel nodded sagely. "I know. Absolutely," Jack didn't miss it when he muttered under his voice, "that you've lost your mind."

"Can't lose what you never had, Daniel." The General said archly turning another page, "Can't lose what you never had."

"And that is further evidence to my point," Daniel waited for Jack to look up before he added, "that's the first thing that you've said that all day which makes anything approaching sense. So, when did you start reading Martha Stewart and surfing the net for secret Canadian conspiracies."

"When I got promoted." He quipped in response. "It's a part of the initiation along with the secret decoder ring and the key to the hidden tunnel under my desk. Can't show you til you join the General club though. They made me promise and they're kinda strict about those rules. I show you, they kick me out."

"Oh well, can't have that now can we." He moved a little, adjusting his posture and leaning out to see better.

"Should just go out and sit down, you can't hear as good in here and I bet they don't even notice, what with the unrelenting sexual tension and all." Jack waved a hand, not looking up from a pumpkin pattern. It looked like it would be quite the challenge to carve and Daniel did have his heart set on the whole haunted museum theme for Halloween. "It blinds the senses. Remember how Sam almost --"

"Let's not bring that up again." The other man complained, pained. "Really, Jack. Let's not, she's still getting mileage out of that."

"Of course she is, Carter's a bright girl and we've been a bad influence on her. Before long she'll be running her own little mafia and we'll be the proud godfathers." He looked up. "Think I'll get myself a pin striped suit and a tasteful yet ostentatious diamond pinky ring – for effect. It's all about presentation you know." He rustled the magazine meaningfully. "Martha says so." He snuck a grin from behind the glossy pages as Daniel huffed an aggravated breath and folded his arms across his chest.

Speaking of having him right where he wanted him…

This was gonna be sweet.

finis