Deep Thoughts

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters and all that good stuff. But the idea for the story was my original idea.

From Bobby to John.

I can't believe you're not here anymore, John. Sometimes it's hard waking up in the morning knowing you won't be the first person I see. It's harder knowing that you won't be the second, third, fourth, last, or any in between.

You hurt me so bad. But I don't hate you. I can never hate you, not even if you hated me, which I bet you probably do. I care about you more than you will ever know. Maybe if you had stayed, I would have had the opportunity to let you know. But you left. And you're never coming back. If you ever see me again, you'll probably try to kill me.

You can't imagine how terrible I felt when you left. I wasn't aware that as soon as you walked too far away from the jet for me to see, that that was the last time I would ever see you as John - my friend, the last time I would see you and not have to worry about you using your powers to hurt me. If I was aware, I would have tried to stop you, but I really thought you were going inside to help everyone else, and that I'd see you again in a short amount of time. But that didn't happen, did it? We were about to leave, and I started to panic, because you weren't there. Jean said you had gone with Magneto, and then I knew that you were gone forever. You may not be dead, and I'm grateful for that, but in a way you might as well be. You hate me now, and that hurts worse. But I would never want you dead, John.

When I knew you had gone with them, I wanted to cry. So bad. You can't even imagine. But I fought back those tears. I felt worse than I'd ever let anyone know. I was pretty silent for the trip back home. Most of the others because of Jean, of course I was upset about her sacrifice, too, but John, I never developed as much of a friendship with her as I did with you. Everyone was upset about the loss of Jean, and the loss of you. I think everyone held mixed feeling for you, though. Anger, betrayal, hurt, concern, worry.. me and Rogue specifically. Me especially.

I think I cried every night for two weeks since you left. Call me a cry baby all you want. You matter to me, John, even more than Rogue does. I know you're with the enemy now, but if we are to meet in battle, I could never kill you. Even if you could kill me, I couldn't do the same to you. I hope you wouldn't try to kill me. But if you did, I'd have to stop you. As much as I care about you, I wouldn't let you kill me.

If you were to return, I'd let you come back without a single questioning word. However, I don't think everyone else would be so forgiving.

Your bed. Sometimes I consider that my prized possession. Call me crazy if you will. Those nights that I can't sleep, I go to yours. Your bed is still painted with the sweet scent of you, and still as warm as if you had only just left and not a minute has passed since. I'm sometimes worried that eventually your aura will disappear from the bed, from the room. But it hasn't. I'm worried that if I keep sleeping where you used to sleep, that my own atmosphere will take over it. I don't want that. I don't even like Rogue sitting on your bed when she visits me in my room, and I don't want her to take your bed, either, although I don't think they allow that here. Which makes me somewhat grateful. I love Rogue, but she's got nothing on you.

I do wonder some things, though, John.. Why did you leave.. How COULD you leave, knowing you were leaving me? I know your home wasn't perfect, it wasn't by any means a decent life. Do you remember that night during the summer, we spent the dark hours talking about anything that would happen to jump into our mind? And we talked from 10 to 5? If I were to choose any day in my life as my favorite, I'd choose that one.. or those two, since we literally talked for two days.

I remember you told me about home.. how you felt that no one there loved you. Then you told me that you still felt like no one truely loved you - only liked you. I desperately wanted to prove you wrong. You were wrong John. You finally had some who loved you.

It was me. And I still do.