Chapter 5

Sitting on the bench, clutching her jacket Cristina struggles against her instinct to run as she waits for Meredith. She wants to leave, to disappear on her bike, to escape to a place she can be alone. She wants to go home, only, there's no home to go to. As a medical student and an intern, she loved staying at the hospital as much as she could, that is, at least until her relationship with him. Still loving the hospital, she discovered that she looked forward to going home to him at the end of the day even more. She enjoyed the work she did and thrived on the long hours but knowing that he'd be there when she got home was special to her. Even on late days, she loved walking in to see him reading, playing his trumpet or sleeping. Seeing him at night always made her feel that things were okay no matter how bad her day was or how bad their fight was. She wipes away the lone tear mourning the loss of those moments. That was yesterday, and, right now she is second guessing herself for ever believing that those moments would last and hating him for leaving her. She understands that the only real truths about people are that they are born, they lie and they leave, and, she has always protected herself except with him. Somehow she forgot with him, and, now all she wants to do is forget him, forget them, forget everything so that she can erase the pain ripping through her.

She lost track of the number of times that she imagined not being his girlfriend. She always knew that she would need a plan if things didn't work out, and, her plan focused on how to co-exist in the same hospital, in the same OR. Sitting there, she realizes that she stopped planning for their breakup the day she gave up her apartment. Even earlier when she said she was breaking up with him, she didn't consider moving out because she knew they weren't breaking up, deep down she knew. They'd been fighting and she was angry, but she knew he wouldn't let it end like that. She smiles remembering how she described Burke to Izzie as sticky on Thanksgiving. She has a short list of things that she depends on, and him not walking away is one of them. As much as she wishes it isn't true, believing he wasn't going away made her feel safe until today. Today she feels like she's falling, falling without anyone to catch her.

"What are you doing in here?" Meredith is actually relieved to find her friend still in the hospital. Before she left for the E.R., Cristina said she would stay and they don't lie to each other. They withhold details but they don't ever lie, not to each other.

From her spot on the bench, Cristina looks over her shoulder at Meredith, "I couldn't stay up there knowing that he was…that he was the donor next door." She is more composed than earlier as she wills the old walls that protected her heart for so long to rise again. It took him and her friends only a few months to tear down those walls that seemed to develop effortlessly over the years, and, now she is frustrated that she cannot instantly rebuild them.

"Cris…"

Cristina stands up slamming the locker door shut and wiping her nose with her sleeve, "It's stupid. The whole thing is stupid. He's supposed to be the one saving lives not dying. Look, can we go now?"

Meredith's heart aches as she catches a glimpse of Cristina's red, pleading eyes, "Cristina…"

Cristina begins pacing, "You know, I didn't keep my apartment because I didn't love him. I kept it because it was the only thing that was still just me, and, I knew I would disappear. I knew I would end up giving up everything, for what, to be an 'us'? What good is an 'us' when there's no him? The key is to never become one but nobody gives you that advice. Everybody says yes go be an 'us' but nobody tells you how hard it is to be a 'you' again when it's over. Why did I have to like being an 'us' so much?"

"Is that true?"

Hearing the question, she stops pacing and turns towards Meredith. Her lips are moving but the room is silent except for her own breathing, "You're…"

"Okay, everything's okay." Dressed in scrubs and a cocky smile, Burke is standing at the other end of the bench. Moving towards Cristina, he sees the anguish etched on her face, and, his smile quickly disappears. Bailey and Meredith told him what happened, tried to prepare him but he imagined that she would be happy to see him, and, is not ready for the sadness all over his favorite face.

Holding her breath, Cristina's eyes dart between her boyfriend and best friend as he walks towards her, his own face, betraying his uncertainty of what to do next. Dropping her jacket, she takes a single step forward before throwing her arms around him and holding him tighter than she ever has.

Burke stumbles, taken off guard by the force of her petite figure and begins to laugh, "Cristina, you're choking me."

"Baby, are you hurt?" With her left hand wrapped firmly around the back of his neck, she uses her other hand to examine his face, arm and chest as her eyes frantically bounce between his face and his body, "You're not hurt? You're not hurt."

Recognizing the trauma that Cristina has been dealing with for the past few hours, Burke is finding it hard to stay calm. Pain is the last thing he'd ever want to cause her, there had already been too much in their short relationship. So many people believe her to be cold, all business but he is one of the few people who know the true Cristina, the Cristina in his arms right now. Pushing aside his own concerns, Burke does his best to reassure her, "It's okay, it's all okay now."

It doesn't go unnoticed by Cristina that Burke is repeating himself, telling her for the second time that things are okay. Normally, this would have irritated her but not today. Today, he can say it a million times and she'll be okay with it. Hearing those words from him, she believes that things will be okay for the first time in too many hours.

Observing Cristina and Burke, Meredith can't resist smiling. When she went to the ER she was stunned to see Burke standing there with Bailey, Webber and Shepherd. She couldn't believe it, nobody could believe it. Meredith was supposed to go back to the OR to get Cristina while Burke went to check on Denny, and, when she got to the OR the room was empty. Meredith panicked, unsure if Cristina left the hospital and knowing that the longer it took for her to find Cristina, the longer she would think that Burke was dead. After checking the gallery, several on-call rooms and the basement, they were relieved to find her in the locker room. Denny would not be getting his heart today but Burke fixed Cristina's heart with just one word, and, Meredith is grateful for that. Confident Cristina is right where she needs to be, Meredith slips out without a word.

Cristina's eyes are fixed on Burke's face afraid her mind is playing tricks on her, and, he will disappear again if she looks away, "What happened? I thought, I thought you were on the helicopter."

"No, I missed it. There was a problem with Izzie getting Denny's labs so I called George to check on her and the labs. By the time I got up to the helipad, the helicopter was already on its way back for another run so I ran downstairs and hopped in an ambulance doing a transport this way. I turned my cell phone off to buy time hoping that they wouldn't decide on the heart until they spoke to me. I knew there was something wrong here, and, if Denny qualified for the heart, Dr.Hahn could do the harvest and Alex could transport it back."

In spite of her relief, Cristina doesn't like not understanding what happened, "But they said you were on it. Alex didn't know."

"It was a mistake. Everything happened so quickly I didn't speak with Karev after the helicopter left. I just knew I needed to get back to Seattle Grace. It's okay, I'm okay, I'm here now." Holding onto her waist, he cannot recall ever seeing her look at him for such a long time. He can tell that she is still trying to hide some of her emotions but she cannot hide the fear that is so deeply fixed in her own eyes. Learning about the crash and the mix up, reminded him of his own mortality. He knows that he should have been on that helicopter and is only here holding her right now because this is where he's supposed to be. Waiting to see Cristina, he thought not about his life but their life, and promised himself not to waste anymore time.

"Why didn't you answer your pages?" Cristina feels like the questions coming out of her mouth are beyond her control. This isn't important now, he's here and that's all that's important yet she can't stop the words.

He smiles at her embarrassed, "Batteries. Enough questions?"

"You could've called me. I would've helped you." Cristina looks down at Burke's chest, immediately, regretting her words. She isn't sure she really wants to talk about this. She already knows that he thinks George is better at medicine than her, and, she doesn't need to hear him say it.

Dreading this part, Burke hesitates, "I didn't know exactly what was going on and I thought that O'Malley…"

Looking up with a pout on her face and hurt in her eyes, Cristina pushes away from him, "You thought that George would be more help. That's great! First, you don't pick me to go on the transport then you don't trust me to help you with Izzie."

Burke puts his hands up in front of him, "Why are you yelling?"

Without warning she slaps him and walks away leaving him rubbing his face with a view of her back. Her face hidden, her emotions overcome her again. Not only is she embarrassed that she just hit her boyfriend and is picking a fight but she can't believe that she's crying again. He's fine, there's nothing to cry over.

Burke grabs her shoulders and Cristina closes her eyes remembering how she thought she'd never feel his touch again. As his hands pull her, she leans back letting her body melt into his. She doesn't want him to see her like this, not again because what if it isn't real, what if he doesn't stay.

Burke turns Cristina around and, before she can look away, sees the tears streaming down her face as she bites her lip trying to stop their flow. Gripping her shoulders, he is amazed that she looks so vulnerable, so innocent, so tired. He remembers the pain he saw in her eyes when he chose Alex on the helipad. He and Alex barely spoke during the ride to Mercy West as his thoughts were focused on everything she'd told him with her eyes in that moment. Earlier it was betrayal and now looking at her he sees a different, deeper pain.

His voice is firmer now, "George is Izzie's best friend and I thought that he would be able to calm her down. I wasn't sure that I wanted to put you in that situation. "

Too exhausted to control her defenses or her tears any longer, Cristina struggles to speak, "I thought you died."

"Look at me. I'm fine. I'm here." Looking down at her, she looks fragile to him. He can count on one hand the times he's seen her look like this.

"It was terrible. I didn't know what to do. Your family, the apartment, I didn't know what to do."

"I'm here, you don't have to do anything." Not able to think of any other words to reassure her, Burke pulls her close to him stroking her hair as she cries. He wishes he could erase the past few hours for her but knows that's impossible.

Feeling his body against hers, Cristina is thankful to be there with him but knows that there is one more thing she needs to do, "I love you"

"I know," Burke smiles without releasing his hold on her.

Sniffling, Cristina leans her head back so that she can see his face, "You do?"

This is one of those times when looking into her eyes is bittersweet because it made a part of him feel sad. Sad because those eyes make him think that she is not sure of herself, of him, of them. "Yes, but it makes me happy to hear you say it."

"Me too. I still need you."

As she rests her head on his chest, Cristina can't see the tear rolling down Burke's face but smiles knowing that she's landed safely once again.