Letters Chapter 1: Book of Wonders, an alexander fanfic

Title: "Letters"

Author: Baliansword

Summary: After Hephaestion's death, Alexander finds a book filled with letters written to him, but never sent. Has all kinds of emotions as well as angst, love, the usual to make a good story. Let me know what you think!

Chapter: 1, Book of Wonders

A/N: Reviews are welcome. Flames are not, but if you do have a negative comment, say it nicely. Just don't go crazy on me. And every letter written in the book Alexander receives is going to be here. That would take, forever to read, and to write. I'll just put the important ones out there.

Alexander had entered the room that he vowed he would not enter again. He could not do it. Not without him here, for it was no longer the same. It was as if the air had been sucked out with his life. There was no light even though the sun lit the room. It was as if no one had ever been here now. Everything was in a perfect place, as if the room had never been lived in. Yet as he sighed, looking around as tears began to fill his eyes, he recalled that this was just the way that Hephaestion kept things.

He continued into the room until he sank down on the bed. It did not smell like him anymore. The sheets were the same, yet they had clearly been washed. Alexander felt like crying right then and there. How was it that he was not, he wondered. Looking around the room he felt his heart stop. In fact, he wanted it to stop. Finally he could take it no longer and he stood. As he did, his foot caught on something well hidden under the bed.

Tripping, he caught himself before falling. He then glanced down at the floor. A thick leather bound book stuck out. It was taking all of his strength not to cry. Silently he knelt and grabbed the book. He lifted it, sitting down on the bed. At first he could only bring himself to look at the cover of the book. Then, after a moment, he let his hand run over the leather. It was cold from being on the floor. Cold could remind him of only one thing.

When he cracked the book open, letting the first page be seen, the tears welling in his eyes began to fall. They slid down his cheeks, each one burning, each leaving an invisible scar. He let his hands find his face and he leaned forward. The tears continued to come until he could barely breathe. Then, he leaned back, and looked down at the page again. Even though the words blurred on the page from both his tears, and the wear the book had seen, he could still read the words perfectly clearly.

For Alexander, the Great, when I am no longer here to tell him how dear to me he is. This is all that I meant to say, and perhaps never did. So now, I say it.

Alexander stared at the page once more. It was yellow with age. It clearly had seen the toughest of days. The rain had soaked it at least once, the deserts dried the leather, sand still in some of the pages. Yet no matter how bad a condition it was in, it was the most beautiful thing that he had seen. The tears continued, but not in such a hysterical manner. Instead, he turned the page, and looked at the first letter that Hephaestion had written. It made his heart sink, but also made it beat again.

Alexander, 3rd day of January in the year 331

There is so much that I wish I would have said to you today. I realized though, as you slept with the moonlight touching your cheek, that I never would be able to. Words are so simple between the two of us. Since I know that I shall never say everything that I think to you, not because you will not listen, I have decided to write it to you. I'll never send these letters. They are just something that I will keep until I no longer have the power to do so. Then, you will get them, and then you will know. Now….on for today.

We took Egypt just a few days ago. Already I can see you looking for something new to go and explore. You've seen it all though. The Nile, the people, and the pyramids. Oh Alexander, it will never be enough for you to have just this. Already after naming Alexandria today you are looking to the horizon. I merely sit, watching you as you do so, and I feel like laughing though I respect your ideas so much.

Never are you going to accept something when you want everything. I praise you for it because I look at Alexandria and I think already you have enough. Persia is to come though, isn't she? All those years as children I thought that it would never be. Not that I did not believe you would do what you said. I just figured when you became king you would slow down. I figured you would want to stay in Pella. What a fool I was then, now that I look at it.

I am so glad that I am here with you though. Even though things are changing, I am glad that we are here together. There is nowhere I would rather be but at your side. Alexandria is beautiful, but above her, there is you.

When we got back from dinner you looked more beautiful than I had ever seen you. There was a glow that you let off in the room. I don't think you even meant to, it was just you, so excited that things were in motion. It was wonderful to be able to hold you and share your enthusiasm with you. Now that you are sleeping, I stare at you, and I get this longing feeling. I am not sure why. But I long for you, even though you are right in front of me.

You are no longer the boy that I met upon returning to Pella after my stay in Athens. You have changed. You no longer dream of the future and make outrageous claims that others laugh at behind your back. –I never told you that for the record, even now, never wrote that – Instead you are now the king that is doing that. You are not a boy, you are greatness personified. One thing about you remains the same though. You completely take my breath away every time I see you.

Alexander stared at the page before running his fingers over it. He slowly began to smile even though his heart ached. He quickly flipped through the pages, just trying to estimate how many letters there were. When he noticed there were eight years' worth, the tears began to stream uncontrollably down his cheeks again. Smiling painfully he went to the very last page, not to read it, just to see that date.

18th day of September, year 324

"Oh Hephaestion," he said upon the release of a breath. He had died the nineteenth. Alexander shut the book and lay back, just holding it against his chest. He held it, keeping it close to him. Then he just cried, letting out tears that he had kept bottled since the death of his father. Sadly he realized that without Hephaestion, there was nothing. When he found the courage, he started reading.

Alexander, 13th day of January, year 331

When we were younger the world did not scare us. I believe we were both completely fearless to the wonders around us. We did not have time to notice them. We were either defying the odds or falling in love with one another all over. Even though we knew what a war was I don't think we believed that fighting one would be as complicated as it has turned out to be. We knew the positioning, yet, we had never stood against an oncoming force. There were so many wounds that could be given and we knew of all of them. We knew how we were to dress them on a field, knew which were the ones to attend to first, and which ones would be fatal. We had never received such wounds though.

Youth shielded us from the world. We did not notice danger as it passed us by. We continued to walk through the treed forests when lighting was striking. You rode the horse that should have been killed for its defiance and its complete lack of sense. I said the things to Cassander that no other dared to without getting a bloody wound somewhere upon them. Youth was the perfect protector of us, but we no longer have it.

Now when I see you getting ready to crush revolts in the southernmost part of Egypt, I fear for you. Suddenly I am aware of danger at every corner. There are so many things that can happen when you go. There are so many things that could go wrong and I would not be able to right as I did when we were young. I cannot kneel before you and kiss your scraped knee anymore. Now, the cuts are fierce and deep if you receive them, and there is too much panic to be serene about things. I have seen the medical quarters after battles.

I have seen you hold the hands of soldiers that you know we are going to loose. I see the strain that it puts on you and I wish that I could take your pains for you. But I also see the king that these men love. If they are to be dying, they want you by their side. I want you by my side when I go, no matter when that is. I vow to wait for you, if you are not by my side, and will try to hold on until you come to me. Yet the more I see it the more it worries me.

Those wounds exist, the ones that cannot be healed. Each and every one of them we have seen. I see the blood, see the look of glass in other's eyes, as they slowly let go of their lives. When you ready yourself I sit here writing. You think that I am writing some sort of treaty, some letter you have told me to. But really I am writing this. My only fear in the world is loosing you to this world that you love so much. I do not want you to go.

You put on your chiton, your sword at your side, and pick up your plumed helmet. As you do I feel my heart stop beating for a moment. You are so enchanting, dazzling even, as if you too are a god of war. But the feeling washes over me again, a feeling of pain, loss, and complete horror mixed together. I do not want you out on the field but I know you, Alexander. You would never send your men to do what you would not. How can they not love you for such chivalry?

All I know how to do is go with you when you face such dangers. What else am I to do? I know that every man on the field today will be just like me. They will fight for you because they love you. They would die for you if needed, because they love you. In all simplicity, you are loved. Loved more than you know.

I would throw myself in front of any enemy blade aimed to hurt you. I have no doubt that all others would. Well, then there is Cassander. Yet I think if enough people were looking, he would do the same. Sometimes he just needs a little coaxing. So as you get ready, preparing to stop a rebellion they are foolish to have against you, I try to calm myself. You do not even notice how tense I am. For that I am glad because I know that you will never understand how much I care for you, how much I fear for you, and how I am willing to sacrifice myself to save you. I think if you knew of that, you would force me to stay here.

So we go into battle again today. It is another day that I know we will loose at least one more man to war. It saddens me, for are we really men? You may have a kingdom, but does that make you a man? You are a man. But where is the line drawn between youth and adult? When did we pass it Alexander? If I could get it back, I would, for when we were younger I felt as if I could protect you. Now, I cannot, and that is my greatest fear of all.

A/N: Okay, chapter one is up. Will post next one ASAP. Review this one though!