Author's Intro: A few weeks ago, I started reading Andrew's excellent SI fic, "Does this plugsuit make me look fat?" And I greatly admired him for his take on events. One of the more poignant dramatic moments for me was when Kimiko volunteered to get absorbed into Toji's EVA, and I applauded him on it. Similarly, he read my "Mind Dump" series and found it to be interesting material. So he asked me to write a "Mind Dump" on Kimiko, and so this is where the idea comes from. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy being...
Inside the "Plugsuit" By Nathan Yuen
It's kinda boring, staying in the same room all the time. I mean, I know it's NERV and all – top secret and all that. Staying here does have good stuff, like yummy food and friendly nurses who play games, but still… sometimes, I just wish I could go outside.The angel alarms began ringing, and I'm afraid of what's happening. Shouldn't this war be over by now? We're told that it was over!
I try to be brave. I'm in NERV, right? It's the safest place to be in when there's an Angel attack. And Shinji Ikari and the other pilots will protect us from the Angels – they always do.
But still I worry over Toji and Dad. Dad's most likely going to be in a shelter, right? Those have been hit before. I don't want that to happen to him! And Toji's going to be fighting now that he has an EVA unit. And he only does it so I could get a better hospital bed.
It's all my fault that he has to pilot!
I see the door to the hallway open, and in comes a pretty woman with blond hair and brown eyebrows and nice blue eyes wearing a bright white coat – Doctor Ritsuko Akagi. I think she's really sad inside, even though she smiles a lot when I'm around. It's the same smile she gives me now, in fact, as she says nicely, "Hi Kimiko, how are you feeling today? Ready to go for an outing today?"
Any other time, I'd be happy to. But I feel… scared as I get onto the wheelchair that she wheels in. It's like she's lying to me, or trying to make sure I don't find out about something. So I say, "I'm okay, Doctor Akagi. What's happening? Is Toji all right? Is an Angel attacking NERV?"
I can't help but feel scared as I crane my head and see her expression as she wheels me out into the hallway. She's trying not to make me feel worried, but by hiding she's doing the exact opposite. "Toji's fine, and no, an angel isn't attacking NERV, it's just a bad lady." She says, talking to me as if I'm still a child.
I hate it when she talks to me like that. I've been in more pain than any "child" has been through. I'm not ASKING to be treated like an adult, but she doesn't need to baby me! I can figure out things on my own. After all, why would a "bad lady" be attacking NERV and tripping Angel alarms? Unless…
"Doctor Akagi?" I call out to her because she looks distracted. The fact that we nearly went down the stairs in a wheelchair too. "Doctor Akagi, the bad lady you were talking about, is she in an EVA?"
She looks guilty, like that one time when Toji caught me sneaking out chocolate from the pantry. "Yes, she is," she says, but she's not happy about it.
I try to stop being scared for a moment. I want to hope, and I ask, "Are the other EVAs gonna stop her?"
But she stops pushing the wheelchair, gives me a look like she's a little girl lost at the Tokyo-3 mall and says, "I don't know."
"Why not?"
She can't even look at me as she says quietly, "Well, EVAs 1, 2, and 4 are stuck, and EVA 3 – Toji's – is broken…"
I can feel my forehead tightening as it wrinkles, like daddy's does when he's trying to solve a particularly hard crossword puzzle. "How does an EVA break?"
Her eyes were empty and sad as she says, "Because we don't have anyone in there."
Her words don't make sense to me. "'Don't have anyone in there?' You mean like a pilot?"
"No, but…" Then she gives me that false smile, and she's wheeling me away again. "Never mind that, okay? Let's just get you somewhere safe, and you'll be able to see Toji and your dad really soon, I promise!"
But even as she's pushing me too fast down the hallway, I can't stop thinking about the problem. What did she mean that they didn't have anyone in there? If she didn't mean a pilot, then what could –
I am in the alleyway, hiding myself away from the giant monster that walks the streets. Why did I have to be lost, taken away from Toji and Daddy? Now I can see the giant, ready to step into the city and do… whatever it needs to do, to kill us all.
But then a monster grows out of the ground, but this one is…different, I can tell already. It has shiny purple armor and looked friendlier than the other one. It was kind of like those pre-impact television shows where the good guy robot fights the bad guy monster.
But this is real, and the good guy who's piloting the robot is not very good. I mean, he nearly trips, and then he runs at the monster – and past it to slam into a building. We're going to die because the pilot's a klutz.
My heart sinks as I see the robot get thrashed by the monster, finally collapsing against a tower, bleeding from the head. My heart disappears into the abyss as the monster turns its back on the wrecked robot.
Now, we're going to die.
Something happens – the last eye on the robot flashes green, and its mouth rips open to reveal huge, metal teeth. Then it jumps – no, flies – into the air and starts beating on it.
Is this the same person that just got beat up by the monster? No… its movements are different, its behavior is much more mean… I can sense it.
But it's mean because it's protecting the person inside…
The monster blows itself up, taking me to a
world of white pain...
Shaking my head to clear myself of the memory, I realize what "someone" has to do, and I say quietly to Doctor Akagi, "When you said that you don't have anyone in there, you mean that you need someone to be EVA, don't you? Someone has to be in there to make it work, right?"
She's surprised, I can tell, because we stop right in the middle of the hallway, red lights flashing all around us and alarms making a lot of noise. I look up at her and see that her eyes are as wide as momma's teacup dishes. Her face would have been funny, if it was any other time. But not now. "yes, yes, that's exactly it. Amazing that you were able to figure it out. I must be slipping."
Now I know what needs to be done to save the world. I might not like it, but that's the way life goes, I guess. "Can it be anyone in there?"
Her mouth hangs open for a second. "Well, yes it could be, but – "
I try to sound as serious, like my brother does when he's talking to boys that pick on me. "I will be Toji's, then."
Her frown looks a lot like dad's. "Kimiko, no."
"Why not?"
She wheels me around and kneels to look into my face as she yells, "Because the process is irreversible! Once you're EVA, you can't come back! This isn't something you can change your mind over!"
I didn't know that. But it doesn't change my decision. Someone has to go in there, to protect the pilot. So why shouldn't it be me? I don't think anyone else would try and protect Toji like I will try. I KNOW he'll be protected if I go in there. And besides… "If I don't get in the EVA, then the EVA won't work, we won't stop the lady and we can all sit here and let her kill us!"
She bites down on her lip and thinks about it for a long second. I know this is the right way. I don't understand why she can't see that. It's a really easy choice, even if it's not the happiest one. Sometimes, adults are stupid.
Finally, she looks up and me and says "all right." Then she turns around, and I grab on to her neck while she grabs on to my legs. Don't worry, Toji… I'm coming.
It's my turn to protect you.
It's taking really long to climb up the stairs. Why is Doctor Akagi so slow? She knows how important this is!
Finally, we reach a large door. Doctor Akagi takes out a card from her pocket and slides it through the door, and it opens up on its own, revealing a big black EVA with a wide grin on its face. It looks evil… but if it's what I'm going to be, I guess I need to be it.
Doctor Akagi looks back at me, and I know she hopes that I'll change my mind. But who else is going to go in there? Her? Can she protect my brother as I will him? "No," I say, answering her unspoken question. She sighs and heads up the stairs.
I clench my legs around her waist as she stops at a computer screen and unhitches one hand from my leg to press a few buttons at the computer. At the neck of the EVA, this white thing comes out, and a door opens. She carries me over to the door, and puts me inside, on the chair, which is too big and leaves my legs dangling a little bit off the ground. Looking up at her I see her almost starting to cry, and I can feel myself almost starting to cry too. But I can't run away, not now.
"Kimiko?" Doctor Akagi asks. I really, really don't want to be talked out of this. It's for my brother. I don't want to cry. I want to be strong. And it's with a strong voice that I say, "Yes?"
"The plug's going to be filled with a liquid, all right? But don't worry about it, because you can breathe it."
Well, that's nice to know. I nod and say, "Oh, okay." Then I get scared when I realize that I don't know the first thing about being an EVA, or becoming one. I don't want to talk to Doctor Akagi, to have her try and convince me to let someone else go, but I need help. "Doctor Akagi? What do I do after that?"
She blinks, smiles as if she was trying to hold back some sad laughter. "Well, nature abhors a vacuum, so it should be a simple matter of sitting there and being absorbed. But the EVA does better when the person in the seat has a wish of what they want. So think of what you want and it will happen."
Think of what I want sounds easy enough. I nod again, feeling like a little kid again, and I say to her, "I think I get it. And Doctor Akagi?"
"Yes?" She asks, tilting her head to one side. And looking at me funny.
The words choke in my throat as the tears finally fall, but I force them out anyway. "T-tell T-toji that I love him. A-and that's why I'm doing this." I want to melt with embarrassment; I wish I didn't sound whiny when I said that last part.
Though my eyes are blurry, I can see that she's crying too. She says "All right. I'll tell him that. Good luck, Kimiko." Then she steps in and gives me a warm hug, and for a second I think it's mommy, alive and well, saying good-bye before she leaves on a plane, "and good bye." She steps out and closes the door.
As soon as she closed the door, the plug started filling up with liquid. I tried not to be scared – she said that I'd be able to breathe it, and once it filled up, it wouldn't matter much anyways. Which is good, because I don't like the smell of the stuff. All I want to do… is to save everybody.
Now the plug's filled. Why am I not in?
I'm scared now. What if we don't get it to move? What if we're all going to die to that lady? And what if it's all because I can't get the EVA to move?
It's all because I need to get in there. I need to be in there. I want to be in there.
I want in.
I want in.
I want in. I want in.
The plug blurs around me. I think, no I know that it's working!
I want in. I want in.
Iwantin. Iwantin. IwantinIwantinIwantin….
I find myself at the bottom of an ocean, full of fishes. But I don't feel like I belong there, so I kick off the ground and swim towards the surface through the rays of sunlight. I break the surface, not feeling tired or breathless at all, and step onto the gleaming white sands of the shore, feeling the fine grains between my toes. A tree stands in front of me, and someone is hidden in the shade. "Who are you?" He asks.
"I'm Kimiko," I say, putting my hand on my chest, and for the first time I realize I'm naked but don't really care. "What's your name?" I ask.
The man steps forward out of the shade. He's got short white hair, and red eyes. Wearing a white kimono that hurts my eyes, he looks like a nobleman from long ago, and just as handsome as a prince from a fairytale. "I was of Bariel, the fourteenth of the trials."
What does that mean? "'Of Bardiel?' You mean you aren't Bariel himself?" I ask, before I stop myself.
He looks down and nods, not smiling. "No. Bardiel perished during the trial of Cain and Abel. I am that which remains until a worthy soul comes along. Why are you here?" He kneels and looks directly into my eyes, piercing my soul.
Toji…
Suddenly, he smiles – even his eyes are happy. "I see now. You're doing this out of love. And not just for your kin, but for all of humanity as well. You want to protect. And who am I to stand in the way of child's desire to protect?"
He draws me close, and I feel his soft lips on my forehead, and for a second I feel… pure. Then everything turns white, and I feel his voice all around me. "You truly are worthy. Go with my blessing."
Then, I'm face to face with my brother, even though he is so small. I can't move, but I see the tears streaming down his face. I know you didn't want this, Toji, and neither did I… but this is the only way that we can save lives. I will protect you, Toji, Now… and as long as I need to.
(END)
Author's Outro: I hope I did Andrew's Kimiko justice. He did look it over and found it to be okay, so I suppose it's all right. Expect more, when Andrew gives me an offer.