Chapter 15
Author's note: Ack, sorry about the delay in posting this chapter. With Kid's part over now I found myself a little blocked. Only one more chapter to go now. Thanks for sticking with me! (And for the encouragement, DD!)
November 1865
Lou stifled a yawn as she finished washing the last of the dishes from supper, noting that the sun had barely disappeared behind the hills and already she was ready for bed. It had been a long week. Julia was away for a few days visiting a sick friend so she was responsible for all the housework. Kid had helped out where he could, but cooking and cleaning were not exactly his strong suit. He had decided to make himself useful by repairing Julia's small horse corral which was missing several planks from a time when firewood had been in short supply. She still didn't have any horses or livestock to necessitate the repair, but Lou knew Julia would still appreciate the thought. She also knew Kid needed to do something to repay Julia for her many kindnesses to them.
Her tiredness that evening probably had more to do with late nights than the hard work she had been putting in. She and Kid had stayed up late almost every night as he finally opened up to her about what had happened to him during the war. There were plenty of tears, mainly from Lou, as she listened to his story, all the while hoping that he would somehow feel better for telling her, for getting it all off his chest. But even though he had told her what had happened with Henry, how he couldn't forgive himself for what he'd done, he was still as withdrawn as before. Lou knew it was probably naïve to think he would suddenly feel better just by sharing his burden, but still she had hoped for some improvement. If anything he was quieter than he had been, at least with her.
She had taken the news about Henry with a calmness that surprised both of them. Kid had been fearful of her reaction, but she felt nothing more than anger that he had been in that situation in the first place. She felt no compassion for the doctor who had prevented all of Kid's letters from reaching her, so she could have at least known he was all right. She thought of the endless months and years of waiting for some word from her husband – sometimes hating him because there was only silence. Now she knew who was responsible, and she felt no sadness over his death. She even found it difficult to understand why Kid felt so guilty, given everything he had been through.
It was obvious he had not forgiven himself for what had happened. Lou knew there was nothing she could say that would change it. And for that she hated Henry a little more. She could only imagine Kid's despair in the last year, when he believed he would never be with her again. Her cheeks flushed with renewed anger as she remembered his words, masking the desperate fear she held in her heart that she could have lost him, she almost had lost him. But he was here, Kid had found her again. Lou had to keep reminding herself of that fact and hoped that they could begin their lives again as a family.
Was it only time he needed? Lou could give him that. But she feared she could not give him what he needed to be her Kid again, and the thought weighed heavy in her heart. There was nothing she could do that was going to make him whole again, to bring back the Kid she had married. She felt ashamed that she was thinking that way – it wasn't his fault he was so different, and she knew he was trying.
But she didn't want him to be like this – she wanted him back as he was, wanted their life back. She didn't want to be a burden to Julia any longer, or Isobel for that matter. She wanted to go home to Rock Creek. She wanted to see her brother and sister and have them meet their niece. She wanted Kid to love their daughter, wanted her to have siblings one day. She wanted Virginia to have a happy childhood, not one shrouded in sadness and tainted by war.
Lou wanted all these things, but most of all she wanted Kid back.
She wiped her hands on a dishcloth as she stood by the kitchen door, watching him. The Kid and Virginia were in Julia's parlor, reading by the warm fire that glowed in the hearth. Or at least, Ginnie was pretending to read the book that Kid held open on her lap as she sat in his. Her made-up story was about a pony who ate flowers from all the gardens in the town.
"One day momma said I can get a pony," said Ginnie, pausing in her storytelling. "When can I?"
"Well, I guess your momma and I will have to talk about that," replied Kid, unsure how to answer. He glanced up as Lou quietly slipped into the room.
"Did you have a pony?" Ginnie asked, fingering the pages of the book.
It took a while for Kid to respond. "When I was growing up I did, for a while. I shared him with my brother. But then when I was older I got my own. She was a beautiful pony."
"What was her name?"
"Katy."
"Where is she?"
"Oh, she's with another family now. They're taking care of her." Kid smiled sadly to himself. "Maybe they even have a little girl like you and she loves Katy more than anythin' in the world."
Virginia sighed contentedly. "I'll call my pony Katy, too."
"Ginnie, it's time for bed," Lou said quickly, seeing a flash of emotion in Kid's eyes.
"She's all right," he said, smiling down at his daughter. "Katy's a good name for a pony."
Ginnie grinned back and threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly.
"Good night, Daddy."
"G'night."
"Come on, baby," Lou said and she lifted Virginia into her arms.
She took her upstairs to get settled in for the night. Ginnie insisted on hearing another story before going to sleep so it was a half later that Lou finally returned to the parlor to find Kid still sitting by the dying embers of the fire, unmoved. Lou shivered slightly in the coolness of the room and banked the fire, tossing on another log.
"Can I get you anythin'?" Lou asked resting a hand on Kid's shoulder
He started at her touch. "Huh? Sorry. No, thanks."
"We have a little coffee, or I could warm some milk…"
Kid smiled softly. "Really, Lou, I'm fine."
She took a seat across from him and started mending a pinafore that Ginnie had torn. She picked at the cloth absently, making a poor job of it, her mind elsewhere. Lou wondered if he was going to tell her any more of Camp Chase, or the long journey home with Brian. She guessed there was more, but he had explained how he had passed by Julia's house quite by chance on his way to Tommy's parents farm to deliver their son's letter, when he had found her. The story was complete, he wouldn't say any more. She just didn't know what happened next.
"We'll get her a pony one day," Kid said softly, so Lou almost didn't hear him.
She glanced up quickly from her sewing, her breath catching in her throat. It was the first time he had mentioned anything to do with the future, giving her some hint about what might happen to them.
"She'd like that," replied Lou, her eyes shining. She was desperate to ask more, to find out what he might be thinking, but he grew quiet again.
"Kid," she prompted after several minutes, trying to hide the impatience from her voice.
He looked up at her, his expression unreadable. "When is Julia comin' back?"
"Ah, tomorrow," Lou faltered, not expecting the question. "Why?"
"D'you think Mr Jacobs would mind if we kept his horse an extra day or two?"
Lou blinked. Julia had borrowed the old nag from her neighbor so she could visit her friend, who lived far enough away to require travel by buggy.
"I don't suppose he would," she said.
"Good." Kid's gaze returned to the fire.
"Are we going somewhere?" Lou asked, refusing to sound fearful that he might be contemplating leaving them behind.
"I'd like to go and deliver Tommy's letter. I promised him I would."
Lou nodded and bit her bottom lip, angry at herself that she her eyes had grown suddenly moist and she felt so anxious. She knew she shouldn't have been surprised – Kid had carried Tommy's letter for so many years and his parents lived only a handful of miles away. It was only right that they finally receive their son's last words to them. And it was understandable that he'd want to make that journey alone. She expected it, but somehow it didn't make it any easier. He wouldn't, maybe couldn't, include her.
"I'd like to go as soon as Julia's back," Kid continued. "I doubt it will take more than a day, if the horse is up to it."
Lou cleared her throat. "All right."
Kid stayed quiet for a while longer, not looking at her. She didn't expect to hear his voice again, except to say that he was turning in for the night.
"D'you think Julia would look after Ginnie?"
Lou met his eyes with great relief. A smile twitched at her lips. "I'm sure she wouldn't mind at all."
Kid returned her small smile, and stood stiffly. He limped towards the door slowly, his leg painful after sitting for so long. But he paused before he left the room, half turning towards her.
"Thank you," he said quietly.
"Good night, Kid," Lou whispered, the smile still on her lips.