Disclaimer: I don't own Samurai Champloo or any of its affiliated characters, which belong to Manglobe/Shimoigusa Champloos. Also, the Future Farmers of America are pillars of their community and whatnot; and Mugen actually is really hot.

A/N: Um, yeah. AU, PWP, OOC-ness, parody, and the fake author's notes made me die a little (but apparently not enough to save the readers in time).

For Neldie, because it's June 11th.

The Most Greatest Super-Kawaii Samurai Champloo Fanfic, Ever!

Fuu was standing outside in the quad when Mugen, the sexiest bad boy in Breakwind Oaks High School, roared up on his shiny black motorcycle. He was dressed up to match his motorcycle in full black leather (A/N: Mugen I mean, not the motorcycle, because the leather would get all hot and smell like cow and stuff lol), even though it was in the 80s and sunny, because he was so awesome. Fuu was secretly in love with him, but she was everything he hated: the captain of the varsity cheerleading squad, captain of the pep squad, secretary of the student council, co-editor of the yearbook, and president of the Breakwind Oaks chapter of the FFA. He especially hated the FFA. So, she could never tell him how she really felt, and Their Love Could Never Be.

She smiled at him, fluffing out her pompoms, as he vaulted off his motorcycle and slouched past her. "Hey, Mugen," she said.

"Get bent, you stupid bitch," he snarled — but in a cute way! — as he shoved past her on his way to class.

She sighed. He was so awesome.

"Fuu!" Jin, the president of the student council and captain of the varsity football team, came over to stand by her. He wore the school uniform navy blazer and gray pants with a tie and looked really nice. They were super good friends, and used to go out until they broke up when Jin had to spend all of his time at wrestling practice with Coach Mariya and that Yukimaru Hojo (A/N: ohmigodohmigod squee!), who was really hot for a sophomore. Strangely, their school didn't actually have a wrestling team, but Fuu figured they were practicing for when there was one. "I saw what that jerk said."

"Hey, Jin. I like him so much, but I'll never get him," she sighed. "He Will Never Love Me."

"Aw, don't say that, pumpkin," Jin told her sympathetically. "I bet if you totally change yourself into what you think he wants, it'd be sure to work. He'd be on you like Fat Albert on a pudding pop!"

"Really?" Her enormous brown eyes widened until they were the size of truck tires. "Will you help me? We could go shopping after school! Well, after practice anyway, because I have pep squad."

"Sure! I was planning to show Yuki the special wrestling hold Coach showed me, so uh, after that." He grinned broadly as she squealed and hugged him, before racing off to class.

"Ohmigod, that's perfect!" Jin clapped his hands together, as Fuu came out of the dressing room. She was wearing tight black leather pants with an off-the-shoulder black satin top and black stiletto heels. She smiled happily at him. Jin was the best! "Now, we just need to do something with your hair and makeup," he decided.

"I think these pants are giving me a yeast infection, but it would be so worth it," Fuu sparkled. (A/N: and it totally would becuz Mugen is SOHOT)

"Just sit there, because I have my full makeup kit with me," Jin said, whipping a suitcase full of brushes and little pots and tubes and curling irons out of the inside of his blazer. "And then we'll take you to the big game after that, because Coach was just telling me he really wanted to put Mugen in tonight."

(A/N: ooops. There's, like, a big football game. lol!)

"Am I slutty yet?" she asked, as he worked on her face and hair.

"Oh, yes, girlfriend," Jin said, as he brought out the giant mirror that was in the suitcase.

She squeed and hugged him, as he squeed and hugged her back. Jin was awesome!

Mugen took off his football helmet, as Jin clapped him on the back. "That was the most amazing touchdown!" Jin told him.

"Yes, I am the coolest ever," Mugen smirked, before catching sight of a curvy, newly-blond-and-permed girl in black leather on the sidelines, who was strutting in their direction. "Ohmigod! Who is that?" He pointed.

"Oh, Fuu and I went shopping," Jin told him, and smiled secretly to himself. "Isn't her hair perfect?"

"Wow! She totally changed! I got chills! They're multiplyin', and I'm losing control," he said as he caught Fuu around the waist. Then, they all started to sing and dance in a large and well-choreographed musical number involving a letterman's sweater; even Yuki and Coach Mariya were there.

After the catchy background tune had subsided, Mugen squished her to his super-manly chest. "Oh, Fuu," he declared. "You have melted my cynical yet secretly wounded heart with your boobies. I will love you forever and ever and now we can sex each other up like ferrets." So they did. Right there. Under the bleachers.

-fin-