The next day Kenny walked into the slash club meeting room for possibly the last time. Butters was right at his boyfriend's side, their hands locked together in a public display of affection. Needless to say, the girls still found it cute. They all giggled as the blonde boys took their seats, which were now always next to one another. Cartman walked in behind them. He gave his "cheating ex-lover" a pre-trial glare and took a seat himself. Kenny observed that Cartman was carrying a briefcase and decked out in a suit and tie for this particular meeting, while himself and Butters were in their regular school attire. Cartman was obviously taking this very seriously.
The parade of guest stars to the slash club meeting wasn't over just yet. Ike entered the room next, followed by Stan and Kyle. Kyle looked at his brother curiously.
"Why are you in here?" he asked.
"I'm testifying for Cartman's side," Ike explained.
"You're WHAT?!" Kyle said.
"You're WHAT?!" Kenny repeated.
First the fancy suit, now a witness of sorts to whatever fib he'd cooked up. Without question, Cartman was going to be hard to beat. Kenny glanced over at Butters, nervous and unsure of their chances of winning. Luckily Butters did what he always seems to do regardless of the circumstances life deals him. He flashed a warm smile, assuring Kenny it was going to be okay. Kenny couldn't help but smile back.
"Ike, what the hell?" Kyle said in disappointment. "Why would you mess up Kenny's life like that! That's not cool."
"Cartman's making me!!" the younger boy whined. "Why are you guys here anyway?"
"To support Kenny," Stan said.
"AWWW!!!" the girls squealed.
Kyle and Stan sighed in unison. "Let it pass. They'll get tired of it soon enough," Kyle said. Whether he was talking to Stan or muttering to himself wasn't clear.
"Okay, today we're going to get this trial over with," Wendy said as she finally began the meeting. She gave a sly wink Stan and Kyle's way as she said "Enjoy those pictures on your desks everyone." The boys hung their heads in shame.
The Stan/Kyle pictures were all turned face up. A huge collective gasp for breath filled the room. What followed was quite possibly the biggest, most ear-splitting "AWWWW!!!!" the girls had let out to date. It forced all the males in the room to cover their ears with their hands.
"Who's first?" Wendy asked.
"Dibs!" Cartman called out. He pulled a large book out of his briefcase and stepped up to the front of the room. He opened the book and turned a few pages. The now visible cover revealed that the book was a dictionary.
"Ladies, this is a very simple case," Cartman began. "The dictionary defines the word 'boyfriend' as 'A man who is the lover of a young girl or young woman.' ...Oops. Um..."
He looked further down the page. From her seat, Wendy rolled her eyes at his stupidity. Apparently his preparation the night before hadn't gone so well.
"The -second- definition of 'boyfriend' is this: 'A favored male companion or sweetheart.' Ladies, Kenny McCormick was supposed to be my boyfriend. But he lied to me. He lied, and he cheated. I intend to prove that Kenny does not deserve to remain in your fine organization. Thank you."
A few faint yawns were heard coming from the back of the room. Somewhere outside, crickets began to chirp. The slash girls sighed happily, all of them continuing to look at the pictures of Stan and Kyle and pay no attention whatsoever to the dramatic story of the trial. The pictures of Kyle and Stan had been drawn to their attention, and now nothing else mattered.
"Focus!" Wendy ordered her fellow women. It couldn't be a fair trial if none of them listened to the boys when they presented their cases. The girls' heads snapped upward from the photos, making Wendy smile. At least she had her power back. Any girl who got photos of Kyle and Stan together deserved that respect.
"Can we like, get to the verdict already?" one of the bored girls asked.
"No!" Cartman barked. "We're having a trial, and you're gonna listen to what I have to say! Respect my authoritah!"
"But we -can- speed this along," Wendy decided. "Call your witnesses."
"I only have one. Ike, get your ass up here," Cartman said.
Ike walked up to the front of the room. As the Canadian took a seat, Cartman held up his dictionary.
"Do you swear to tell the whole truth so help you God?"
"You're supposed to swear on a Bible," Wendy complained to the fat boy.
"He's a Jew," Cartman reminded her. "Being around the book of the one true God would make him burst into flames."
"FUCK YOU CARTMAN!" Kyle shoted from his seat.
Cartman began to pace back and forth in front of Ike's seat, much like a crossexamining lawyer would do. "Ike, tell the club what happened to you on the fifteenth of this month."
Ike blushed. He hated being forced into saying what he was about to say, but it was still better than facing the wrath of his mother. He blushed and spit out the lie Cartman had written, and even rehearsed with him, before the trial.
"Kenny McCormick...h-had sex with me..."
Uncomfortable silence filled the room. Butters' jaw nearly hit the floor when he heard the words come out of Ike's mouth. Kyle instinctively leapt out of his chair, ready to kill the boy who allegedly corrupted his kid brother. Stan tried to hold him back, but was failing.
"HEY! That's fucking bullshit!"" Kenny said. He seemed to be just as shocked as everyone else was about the accusation.
Trying to maintain some order, Wendy told Kenny "You'll get your turn to defend yourself."
"Please go on Ike," Cartman insisted. Ike sighed, recalling what Cartman had told him to say next.
"Um...K-Kenny, well, Kenny rode me like a horse. It was..." Ike paused, sighing and glaring slightly at Cartman as he continued. "It was...really good, and I love it. Just like the rest of the Jews."
"What the FUCK, Ike?!" Kenny growled.
Ike shrugged. "Sorry. He's been giving me candy."
Kyle groaned and buried his head in Stan's shoulder. He was officially humiliated and currently hated his family very, very much.
"That'll do," Cartman said. A huge grin formed on his face. "Well then, if Kenny's already cheated on me with you, what reason would there be to believe that Kenny never cheated on me with that homewrecker Butters? I rest my case."
Wendy sighed, rolling her eyes once again. Personally. she didn't buy the story at all. "All right, Kenny? You have a witness?"
Kenny gulped. "Um, no."
Cartman smirked as he sat back down. His victory seemed assured. Ike hurriedly left the front of the class, joining Stan and Kyle. They all glared at the fat boy, while the girls briefly went back to staring at Kyle and Stan.
"Oh jeez, w-we're in trouble huh?" Butters whispered to his man.
Kenny sighed and looked downward, feeling defeated. In his mind, this had now officially gone too far. This whole thing started out as fun and games. At least in Kenny's opinion they were. It was Kenny and Cartman, bullshit artists extraordinare, seeing who could con more girls into buying their fictional story. Now Cartman had somehow gotten Ike to flat out lie. It was too much to take. A lie like that could effect Kenny in numerous ways. His reputation within South Park, his newfound relationship with Butters, his face being rearranged by Kyle. All of it could be effected if he didn't do something right now. This whole thing would surely just continue to escalate. It would get uglier and uglier as new parts of the backstory were invented. He couldn't let that happen. He couldn't lie his way out of this one. If he did, Cartman would just top that lie and the cycle would continue. The only way out was to tell the truth.
Kenny slowly got up from his seat. He held his head up high as he walked to the front of the room, while glaring at Cartman.
"First of all, I don't fuck minors. That shit lands you in jail," Kenny said. "What Ike said isn't true. He's lying, and I can prove it."
"How?" Wendy asked.
Kenny sighed. "Because on the fifteenth...I wasn't even gay yet..."
The girls gasped. The girls began whispering to one another, seriously growing concerned with the trial now. Kenny continued.
"The truth is, I didn't even know I liked guys until Butters came along, and that was at the end of the month. Everything that Cartman says is false. He's the one who doesn't belong in the slash club, and you know how I know? Because we were never fucking together to begin with!"
Cartman nervously looked from side to side, catching angry glares from everyone. "H-heh, Kenny? What're you doing?" he asked through gritted teeth.
"Telling the truth!"
"The TRUTH?!" Cartman snapped. "God dammit since when does the truth matter?! This is a trial!"
Cartman obviously wasn't expecting such an honest defense. Kenny had him wobbling. Now it was time to knock him out. The girls still might not like the true story, but if Kenny was getting kicked out, he was taking Cartman down with him. He continued.
"Look, I'm gonna be honest with all of you. When I first joined this club, it was to...meet girls."
The room gasped, including BUtters.
"I know, I know! I lied to all of you and I'm sorry. But so did Cartman! He only joined this club because I tricked him, and then he tried to say he was my boyfriend so I couldn't get chicks. I fucked up and said Butters was mine, because I thought I could play along with the bullshit. But then...Well, you all saw what me and Butters did in here. And you saw how much I liked it. I still do. Me and Butters, we fucking love men. We love each other! That's what slash is all about isn't it?" he asked the girl jury. "Cartman doesn't love slash like I do. He doesn't love it at all. He's the one you should kick out. Me and Butters really are together now, and we're happy that way. Cartman just wants me out of this club. He wants me to not be happy. Most importantly, he wants me separated from Butters during meetings. Cartman doesn't even -like- guys! So please, let me stay in the club and kick his fat ass out. I guess that's all."
Wendy blinked, taking in Kenny's words.
"...so this club...made you gay?" she asked.
"Pretty much."
The girls began chit-chatting amongst themselves, debating the evidence.
"What're they gonna do?" Stan asked. Kyle shrugged.
Kenny sat back down in his seat. "You forgive me?" he asked Butters.
Butters smiled that great smile again. "Aw heck, forgiving's what couples do." He placed a kiss on Kenny's cheek.
Wendy approached Cartman, leaning over his desktop to stare down at him angrily. She made sure to give him a nice view of her cleavage as she spoke in a low whisper.
"I knew it! No gay guy could do what you did!"
Cartman whispered back, smiling. "So you liked it then?"
"That's not the point! God you're an asshole!!"
Just like on his first day in the club, Wendy slapped Cartman across the face. It drew the attention of everyone in the room. Wendy cleared her throat and composed herself.
"Have you reached a verdict?" Wendy asked.
"We can't. We're split on the decision," Bebe announced.
Wendy smiled wickedly. "Oh? Well then, I guess it's up to me."
"Oh, shit..." Cartman muttered.
"Cartman's guilty!" she declared. "The punishment is expulsion from the club, tar and feathering, and removal of his penis. By force if necessary."
Cartman stared at her, wide-eyed. "...R...Removal of my WHAT?! We never agreed to THAT rule!"
"Yeah, well, it's MY club," Wendy said with an innocent smile.
"YOU FUCKING DYKE!!!"
All the slash club members stood up out of their chairs, grabbing at Cartman's arms and legs before he could argue with Wendy any further. He whined and protested, but was eventually dragged back to the front of the room, literally kicking and screaming.
Wendy produced a bucket from behind the large teacher's desk. Though she was tempted to do the job herself, she handed the metal bucket handle off to Kenny. With a happy smile he turned the bucket over, dumping its far and feather contents right onto Cartman's head.
"Aw-Aww!!!" Cartman said.
"All right everyone, time to get his dick!" Wendy called.
"NO!!"
The adrenaline pumping through him, Cartman finally burst free of the gaggle with Hulk-like strength, running out of the classroom as fast as he could. A few giggling females chased after him. Wendy stayed behind. Despite ordering Cartman's castration, she couldn't bring herself to actually do it. Based on the events of the previous night, she knew she would be unable to reach inside his pants and think about cause pain. That is, unless he was into that sort of thing.
"Well, I guess we're still in the club," Butters said.
"Yeah" Kenny smiled.
The blonde boys kissed to celebrate. Stan and Kyle began to kiss as well, for no real reason. The remaining girls in the classroom stared at the two male couples.
"Is it just me, or is slash not that fun anymore?" Heidi asked.
"Yeah" Bertha agreed. "Now that everyone's doing it, it's just not as cool."
Bebe looked to her best friend. "Wendy, I think you know what you have to do."
Wendy nodded her head. She went to the door and took down the sign that promoted that particular classroom as the after-school meeting place of the slash club.
"Well, it was fun while it lasted," she said with a sigh. "Stan? Kyle? I'm sorry I got so obsessed with you guys. Can you forgive me?"
Still kissing, Stan and Kyle simultaneously mumbled something or other that was presumed to be a "yes."
Off in the distance, Cartman screamed for mercy. He returned to the meeting area a moment later with a large, still dripping blood stain forming on the crotch of his pants. Shaking and pale, he took a magic marker from out of his pants pocket.
"Kyle?"
Kyle finally broke the kiss with Stan, surprised to hear his name called.
"Yes?"
"I just want you to know you don't have to worry about the 'I hate Kyle' club anymore."
He smiled. "I don't?"
"No, I'm changing it. I actually found something I hate even more than you."
Cartman walked across to his meeting room door. Taking the magic marker, he drew a line through the word "Kyle" on the door's sign. Underneath in its place, he wrote a new word.
His anti-Kyle club was rechristened the "I hate girls" club.
THE END