Don't own. Little fluffy Jam oneshot. Please read and review!
Jim thinks.
He thinks about the way she smiles at him. He wonders how she smiles at Roy, and he thinks that maybe she saves her special smile, her "hey I love you smile," to give to him at work. Because he doesn't think he's ever seen her smile at Roy that way—he's seen forgiving smiles and exasperated smiles and confused smiles but never an I love you smile.
He thinks of her crying. He remembers her dreaming and wishing and hoping so hard and realizing that dreaming wasn't enough and wishing on stars didn't work anymore. He thinks he could buy her a beautiful house with a terrace and flowers and he thinks it would be on a lake and she could paint. He thinks she doesn't have to cry anymore.
He thinks about the way her body felt pressed to his on Casino Night. He thinks of her small and scared and kissing him back anyway. He thinks he could make her happy.
But she is at the reception desk and her eyes are red and puffy and when he glimpses her screen he sees she is looking for wedding things online. She used to look for houses and art supplies and classes but she doesn't anymore. And so he doesn't go to her and he doesn't say any of the things that he thinks about.
But he keeps thinking, anyway.
Jim dreams.
He dreams of renting movies on rainy Saturdays and he dreams they would spend the day curled up on a blanket on his couch sharing a bowl of popcorn. He imagines that she would fall asleep halfway through and her head would fall on his shoulder like it did once before and he could brush the hair out of her eyes and it would be so soft and sweet. He wonders if she and Roy ever do that and he can't believe they do because he knows Roy goes out drinking with Darrel and he is sure that Pam stays home most weekends and cleans. She wouldn't have to do that if she was with him.
He dreams of falling asleep in the evenings with sweaty limbs tangled together and her beneath him and being gentle so he wouldn't hurt her. He dreams kissing her goodnight and he dreams tasting her would be sweet and he wonders if she dreams of him. He wishes it could be more than dreaming, just dreaming.
He dreams of the way she looked at him after they kissed, and he dreams she meant it. He dreams things were different and she stayed with him on Casino Night and they spent the night together and he dreams she didn't go back to Roy.
But dreams are only dreams, and he knows she doesn't believe in dreams anymore. Besides, they didn't spend the night together and she did go back to Roy. He thinks if he told her all his dreams and shared them with her she would cry and he hates to make her cry, and maybe she's right anyway and dreaming is a waste. And so he doesn't go to her and he doesn't say any of the things he dreams about.
But he keeps dreaming, anyway.
Jim speaks.
Jim speaks because thinking and dreaming can only get you so far. He knows it's dumb and cliché and selfish and a million other things to wait to say anything until the day before he's leaving for Australia, and he doesn't want to be those things but he has to say something.
They are in the break room and they've just finished lunch, mostly not talking to each other. And she gets up, mostly not looking at him, and she says, "Well, I'll talk to you, later, then."
And he puts a hand on her shoulder and his heart is beating so fast and he says, "No—wait—"
Pm stops and turns slowly. He drops his hand which suddenly feels awkward and heavy on her shoulder and looks at her. She is shuffling her feet and her eyes are still red and her hair is messy but she is still beautiful. And he says, "I still love you."
She's crying, just like he thought she might, and it makes him ache. She says, "Jim…please, don't make me go through this again." She looks briefly back at the door but she doesn't try to leave and Jim thinks this might be what Hope is.
He says, "I will always love you," he says, "I know it's hard but I want you to be happy."
They've had this conversation before, and it didn't end well, but this time she is too tired and resigned to fight him. "I have to marry Roy," she says.
He shakes his head, and he says, "No, Pam," and he is feeling brave so he grabs her hand as he says, "You don't have to do anything. You don't have to marry him. You deserve to be happy."
And he isn't sure quite when it happens, but somehow she is crying with her face pressed into his shoulder and his arms are around her and he is rubbing her back and whispering comforting things in her ear. Eventually she looks up with her face tearstained and with red marks from his shirt and she says, "I can't go through with it."
He holds her as he says, "I know."
She says, "Don't let me go through with it, Jim."
He loves her so much.
"I won't."
Jim is.
He is next to her when they wake up the mornings and he is beside her when they go to sleep at night. He is the one she says "I love you" to, and he is the one who kisses her and says, "I love you, too." He is the one who watches her paint pictures, and he is the one who gets to see that special smile she has when she has created something beautiful. He is the one who is beside her when she gets her first illustrating job and he is the one she celebrates with.
And he is the one beside her at the altar on her wedding day, and he is the one who takes her on her honeymoon. He takes his promotion and they go on a nice trip, to France, and he is the one who laughs with her as they try escargot. He is the one she loves.
He is the one who cries with her when her mother dies, and he is the one who makes her smile again. He is the one beside her when their child is born and he is the one who takes them both on picnics and bike rides and to the carnival.
He is the one who buys her a beautiful house with a terrace and flowers and he is the one who lives in it with her. He is the one she loves.
He is happy.