AN: Well, I was worried Akito's would be vastly shorter. Not the case, really. Wow, I've loved writing this. I only hope it was half as much… much, to read.
One other thing – the words in "A Man and a Woman" actually go, "Brown-eyed girl," but in the only picture I can find where the color of Akito's eye color is visible it's gray.
And the line in "Walk Through the Fire" is actually "she calls to me," but I'm switching it to "he" here for obvious reasons.
For dedication, acknowledgement, and disclaimer see previous chapter.
Let it Burn
"Walk Through the Fire"
I touch the fire and it freezes me
I look into it and it's black
Why can't I feel?
My skin should crack and peel
I want the fire back
Now, through the smoke he calls to me
To make my way across the flame
To save the day
Or maybe melt away
I guess it's all the same
So I will walk through the fire
'Cause where else can I turn
I will walk through the fire
And let it –
Chapter Two: Bring Me to Life
How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb
Without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home
Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become
Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life
If I didn't love him like this, I wouldn't have to hate him.
Why… why does he have to make everything so complicated? And why does he have to make me feel this way?
Gods don't feel lust.
I love them all, even that horrible Isuzu with her awful hair like snakes, even Ayame and Momitchi, loud and lying. They need me and we will never be apart. They couldn't leave me if they tried. How can I not love them?
But this… this isn't right; this is not the feeling I have for them. It doesn't hurt, with them. They are ungrateful, and rude, and sometimes I have to remind them quite harshly of exactly where their loyalties lie.
And then they cry. They beg for my forgiveness, need it, and I give it, of course. I adore them; how could I not? All I want is for them to stay safe with me – stay where I can watch over them.
With Shigure, it hurts. He dares to hurt me, presumes to betray me, the ungrateful dog. Without me he'd be nothing. Less than nothing - he'd be like that monster. Damned.
And I still feel the same way. No matter what I do, I want something from him that I shouldn't want. Not a need, a desire. Not love, not that kind of love. Something else, something that would frighten me if I let it.
With Kureno… it's all right with Kureno. That is a need, a concession to this cursed human, female body. It feels good and safe and I never… I never get lost. It's another way to bind my knight's wings. He can't leave me now, no matter what our bond may do. He's good and pure and he would never sleep with a girl and then leave her, or…
And Shigure not only is capable of doing something like that – maybe, in the end, anyone is "capable" – he did it.
With him, I get so lost. I don't know where I stand anymore. Things keep changing and I can't keep track.
He's the only one who can make me fear death, because when I'm with him – those are the only times I feel mortal. And above all else, I don't understand. I don't see why he wants to do these things to me if he loves me, why he smiles when I hurt, why he makes me hurt him back.
Or why he would do the one thing that he knows isn't a game, the one thing that… that I can't take.
I push aside the door to Hatori's office, stifling a cough.
Weakness.
But he'll lend me his strength, as is his duty. It isn't being weak to take help from him, from any of them. They're mine; part of me. If only for a time, he will heal me.
I could have had someone send for him, but I want to see what he'll drop for me, see everything fade into the background. I want to know that I'm a god, that Momitchi with his smiles and his flowers and his judgments is nothing more than one of my limbs, that… that they love me.
Closing the door behind me, I begin, "Hatori, I want you –" and stop dead, watching that hair like a net of broken promises and regrets swirl as she turns to face me.
"Oh," that woman says. Her voice is like a mouthful of sugar; too sweet, too much, too insincere. It makes me want to puke. "Don't let me stop you." She smiles, a mockery of the expression. "I was done with him."
My stomach turns again at the thoughts her tone sets loose, dancing around the room, wraiths of torment. Her having more of him than I can have, being what I'm not to him.
No. No, I'm more. I'm above that.n
I look at him, stalking forward. I hate the plea in my eyes, am ashamed of my own fragility.
I can Shigure's voice in my mind. "Unless it works, ne?"
He's as calm as ever, shaking his head slightly and putting a hand on my shoulder. The gesture could be proprietary; it's submissive instead.
"You're filthy," I tell her, my breath loosening. I love Hatori's eyes so… Even he betrayed me, even he was seduced by an ugly, disgusting woman, but he's back now. It's not now, not this woman, and he's mine now for good. "You're vile and an outsider. All you do is look in."
"Akito-san, Ren-san was only here about a cough. And as she said, we were through." Hatori looks at her. "If you would kindly –"
"Really?" Huge dark eyes dance with joy, a mother any child would want, and snap with cruelty, the mother I have.
She smirks, a cat who's stolen all the cream.
"Ancient bonds of eternity and devotion, isn't that what you're always on about?"
She steps closer, and without knowing why I step back, nearer to my Hatori.
"You're pathetic," I hiss. "Jealous. They love me. They need me."
"And that's important to you, isn't it. That they think they need you? After all, when you come right down to it… who would want you?" She smiles the smile of a doting mother.
Hatori steps forward, reaching toward her, starting to move around me. I know he probably wants to open the door, call her attendants to take her away. But I can't let him go away from me.
Not toward her.
I half turn, pressing a hand to his shoulder, and of course he stops.
"And these bonds, if they existed, they would hold them true to you every time? Prevent them from choosing me over you no matter what?" Her eyelids are heavy, sleepy and enthralling.
"Yes." Something deep inside me feels sick and trapped, facing something bearing down on it and too heavy to move.
"Hm." She frowns and taps her lower lip, her brow puckering in ostentatious puzzlement. "Then, one would think that such a fairy-tale bond – if it existed – would at least manage to keep your lover in your bed."
I laugh, a dry sound that echoes like an empty sob.
"Ren-san!" Hatori snaps. "Please stop this. And Akito, don't listen. You know you only get upset when you listen to this nonsense."
I can't see anything but her laughing eyes, can't hear anything but her poison words.
"Though I can see how it didn't work out," she adds, sighing regretfully. "Shigure is a very… enthusiastic man, and it's not really surprising that a little 'boy' like you couldn't keep him satisfied. After all… you're only human."
She looks so pleased to have found this chink in my armor, and it's pathetic. It really is.
Maybe when the screaming in my head stops I'll remember that.
Hatori is talking, and that woman is leaving, done here.
I've crumpled, and I know Hatori is holding me, whispering soothing negations in my ear, but the roaring blocks them out.
"Hold the seashell to you ear, Akito, and you'll hear the sea."
It's gone. If he loved me, he wouldn't have gone to her.
What would you do? If your world was sucked away beneath your feet, if your loved ones stabbed you in the back, would you be able to go on? Would you still laugh and joke and nudge things so that they went your way?
Could you still be?
I can. I do, every day. And I'm so tired of it…
I thought it would kill me, then. I thought I would end. I was only half-right.
I died that day. You were the only one, the only person who can make me feel those little human things… embarrassment, pleasure, joy, desire… all of me. You made me complete.
Then you killed it. The part of me only you could give life to, you took it from.
And maybe it's better this way. Maybe, now, someday I'll be strong enough that you won't be able to resuscitate that part of me for a time, only to let it die again when you leave.
And then I won't hurt anymore. I won't feel these things.
I'll be able to let go, and the burning inside will stop for good.
I can never quite believe it, you know. I can never believe that you would hurt me, that pain could come from you. So I keep trying to hold you, but every time, I get burned.
But someday…
The scars will be too deep. You won't touch me anymore.
I'll go on, and so will life, and I'll just exist.
It's only living I can't do without you.
Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life
Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love darling
Only you are the life among the dead
All this time I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought without a voice without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life
AN: The end of my story. There is no more. …Ah, I'm just kiddin'. But that is all there is to this one, and so now, you know what I want you to do…