I suppose that's why it was easy for me to accept how attached he got to Eiri Yuki so quickly. That doesn't mean I was happy with it, just that I wrote it off as part of his nature and nothing more. And truthfully, it was nice seeing something other than music that made him so joyful. Even being optimistic, even smiling more often than anyone else I know, Shuichi wasn't always really happy.
It's a bit funny how hard he had to work for Yuki, because he really wasn't used to that. His music, that was always easy, and when it wasn't easy it was fun. I'd like to think it's because I was right there with him, plucking at my strings and laughing at his puzzled look when I hit a bad interval. And him on those keyboards, messing around long into the night, trying to get something that sounded right to him. He looked a little like a genius, sometimes. I'd fall asleep (he could go for hours without moving, usually up until two in the morning; he's so hyper most of the time, I never understood that) and just half-rouse and see him hunched over the keys, his eyes focused and the expression on his face so serious. Those glimpses of him in the middle of the night are precious to me. No one else has ever seen him like that, I know it.
His face looks different when he's singing too. He gets taken away by it. I wish I was that… musical. I like it, sure, and it's a part of me, but it doesn't… I don't go that way. I'm always here, feet flat on the ground, pick in hand and strings under my fingers. But when Shuichi takes the mike and pours his heart out, he flies off somewhere amazing and magical, and we cease to exist. We earth-people. He's something else; he's amazing.
But back to Yuki. I still haven't decided if the man was any good for him or not. I know I got fed up at one point, with how everything was going. I felt awful. Or rather, I do now – at that point I was only worrying about myself. I know I couldn't ever really leave the music. I know I couldn't ever really leave him.
Shuichi's made such an impact on my life. It's pointless to deny that. I wouldn't be where I am right now – a comfortable private room in Japan's premiere recording studio – without him.
So I think it makes sense that after a while, I started resenting Eiri Yuki for being so close so fast. Not saying that I wanted Shuichi after me like that, but how was it fair that this blonde man could, out of no where, become the most important person in Shuichi's life? I was that person. He didn't even have to work for it! He just jumped straight up there, number one priority, no questions. And here I had to convince Shuichi that I mattered more to him and cared more about him than Sakuma Ryuichi ever would.
I worked for Shuichi. I was always there for him, no matter what. No matter if it was a ridiculous time of day or a stupid, laughable reason; I was always there. The way best friends work, the right way. I didn't ask for much from him in return – just his smiling or hugging me was enough. As long as he wasn't sad, I was happy.
And Yuki did nothing for him, and got everything.
I love him. I guess that's it. There's nothing else that can explain this… jealousy. I don't hate seeing him with Yuki, but it hurts to hear about it. It's conflicting. Shuichi's so happy talking about him and the fun they have together, but I can't stand it. I can accept it for making him smile but… There's a kind of rift coming between us, and I hate that. I'm afraid of it.
I know the natural inclination will make me jump. And I'll fall.