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I'm not sure what I wanted, back there.

I mean, they are my son and my daughter... but for most of their lives, I have been nothing to them, and they have been nothing to me.

Well... perhaps that isn't completely true. I did... I do care about them. But... well...

What justification can I give for choosing my own goals over my family? I knew where little Kurt was. I could have claimed him. But I didn't.

I told myself that he'd be happier there, with normal parents, living a normal life... well, as normal a life as a furry blue mutant child could live.

I left him there. I left him behind. I moved on.

An old acquaintance of mine, Irene, aka Destiny, told me of a vision she had had. The details were blurry (as they all too often seemed to be) but she could tell me with certainty that a little girl, living in an orphanage, would be of great importance to the world someday.

So I adopted her. She was perhaps two years old at the time, and for a while I took care of her. I rented an apartment, and we stayed there for a few months. I got to experience with Rogue what I had missed with Kurt, if only for a short time.

But then, another call from Magneto came.

I don't understand it. Why do I always come back to him? What sort of loyalty do I owe him above my own children?

He said he needed me. True, I am unequaled in manners of espionage, and since Magneto couldn't very well go forcing his way into top secret labs without revealing himself, he turned to me.

I left little Rogue with Destiny, and went away again.

Time passed. I never did go back to take my role as mother, for either Rogue or Kurt. I was... busy. I kept myself busy. When I wasn't retrieving some top secret formulae for Magneto, I was crafting new identities for myself, building up a fortune... just in case.

Occasionally, I would drop by to visit Irene and Rogue. Never as myself, of course-- I took other forms, perhaps out of fear that seeing me would awaken some old memory, and that she would ask why I had left her. Irene knew it was me-- she would introduce me simply as an old acquaintance, Mrs. Stevens, or Mrs. Barker, or Mrs. Whatever. She never asked the reason for the secrecy. She seemed to simply accept it.

Yet that acceptance tore at me too. She wasn't surprised that I had abandoned Rogue. Is that all she expected of me?

Perhaps rightfully expected. I'm not much of a mother, I guess. I was always doing something or other for The Cause which Magneto spoke of.

I told myself that once Magneto's aims were acheived, once mutants ruled, then I would find my daughter and my son, and I would tell them both who I was, and we would be a family again.

A foolish dream. Yet one I kept returning to. It was sometimes my only solace.

When I think now about the excuses I used to justify leaving Kurt and Rogue behind, they seem so flimsy, so transparent. I can't excuse myself. It haunts me to know that I have forever lost the chance to be a mother to my children. I cannot help but wonder what might have been. Perhaps then we would have been that happy family I dreamed of.

What was I looking for from them, that day in the desert? What did I want? Love? Compassion? Forgiveness?

How can I ask for forgiveness from them, when I can't even forgive myself?