Submitted to the Live Journal Community 10hugs for theme #10, Goodbye.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hana Yori Dango. Three cheers for Kamio-sensei!

AN: Characterizations based upon the Hana Yori Dango/Boys over Flowers Manga and events take place after Vol. 36. Spoiler alert for volumes 31-36. Please do not read this story until you have read those volumes as I don't want to be responsible for spoiling the story for you, dear readers. Also, please note that this story is rated M, for sexual situations that are implied and discussed but not explicitly described. It is a lime. Please mind the rating. As always, I hope you enjoy this story that I wrote, please review if you like!

Scar
A Hana Yori DangoFanfiction
By Maho-chan

She came upon it by chance, during a passion filled moment. Filled with him, she had unconsciously scratched his back, running her nails across it and he had noticeably flinched before his hands came up to catch hers. She barely registered how he had gasped before he brought her hands up and held them still as she cried out against his shoulder, lost in sensation again.

And then there was only the pleasure of him inside of her, around her, all over her, until all she could do was cry out his name in answer to his calls for her, the moment stretching out into indescribable bliss.

But later, as the moon crept along the sky, and she was safely cradled in his arms, Tsukushi would remember the look of pain that flashed across Tsukasa's face and think about it.

What had caused that strange moment?

Waking up a little, Tsukushi blinked, registering his body next to hers, the sheets and blankets pulled up to warm them both in the slightly cool atmosphere of his room.

Gently moving his arm that was thrown across her shoulder, Tsukushi blushed as she remembered how those same arms had held her still as Tsukasa had done indescribable things that made her shudder a little even in recollection. She sat up fully and turned to look at him.

The moonlight illuminated his form and Tsukushi gently touched his face, astounded by the strength of her emotions. She loved this man.

The recollection of his pained gasp came back to her and she pushed away the urge to wake him and make love with him again. Moving slowly, knowing that even in sleep he was very instinctual and would wake at the slightest inclination that something was amiss, Tsukushi crept off the bed. She quickly donned his shirt that they had thrown carelessly onto the floor earlier, moved to the other side of the bed and reached for the blanket that covered his still sleeping form.

She had to know.

Climbing back into bed, this time behind him, she lay down and looked at the bare expanse of his back, her fingers gently touching him. He mumbled a bit in his sleep and she kissed his shoulder and whispered in his ear that he should keep sleeping and that everything was all right. He must be exhausted, Tsukushi mused with a slight smile, for he slept on. Most nights he would have woken and grumbled that she was awake. Not that she ever stayed up like this and watched him; usually she would sleep contentedly until daybreak not wanting to leave the comfort of his warmth.

But not tonight.

Pushing the blankets down, and gently drawing her finger down to his lower back, she found it. It was slightly long, and surprisingly small. But there it was.

The knife scar.

Tsukushi sucked in her breath, the remembrance bringing a strange achy pain to her body. She remembered that day, that fateful day in New York when he had reached his hand out to her and she had moved to take it, so certain the days that they would be apart were over. And then that man had appeared out of nowhere and he had…

Narrowing her eyes, Tsukushi fisted her hand against the blanket.

He had stabbed Tsukasa.

It had been without a doubt the second worst moment of her life. There had been so much blood. Everyone had just stared in shock and she...

She had heard her heart pounding in her ears and could see only her beloved dying on the street. Everything had narrowed down then, her world becoming focused on one thing and one thing only.

Protecting him.

She had pulled him upwards and had carried him, as far as she could until the other F4 could break free of the crowd to help her. And then they had gone to the hospital where she encountered what was the worst moment of her life so far.

The moment when he had almost died.

Covering her mouth with her hand, the long sleeves of his shirt muffling her quiet sobs, Tsukushi recalled what had happened.

Akira's startled shout, another one of those tunnel vision moments, everything focusing on the fact that she might lose Tsukasa. That he might die and leave her alone there.

That this moment might be their eternal goodbye.

Tsukushi sobbed again, the remembrance becoming unbearable.

Her fists pounding on the cold, hard glass, the doctors milling around, watching and hearing that heart meter sounding slower and slower, each beep measuring out the seconds he had left to live.

Her angry shout at him that she would never ever forgive him if he died, her voice almost unrecognizable to her in that hazily focused world where she could see only him, hooked up to machines, his face growing paler and paler.

In that horrible moment, separated from him behind that wall of glass, unable to do anything at all for him, Tsukushi had felt like she was falling into hell. And if she had fallen into that hell, he wouldn't be following her there like he had always said he would because he would be…

She couldn't even imagine it, then and now.

She closed her eyes, trying hard not to cry louder. She didn't want him to wake, if he did, she wouldn't know how to explain it. She just needed to cry. Placing her palm gently against the scar, Tsukushi wished she could take it away and that she might never relive that experience again.

Tsukushi leaned her face against his back, smelling the distinctive scent that only she knew having been this close to him and tried her hardest to calm down. It didn't work. She kept weeping, the same realization bringing her pain.

She could have lost him.

She could lose him still and unlike in the beginning, when she could have distracted herself with hating him or thinking that he was a strange nuisance that prevented her from having a normal life, she now knew that if he left her a large part of her would die too.

The tears rolled down her face and she sobbed again, not noticing when the smooth skin she was leaning her face against moved, and only realizing when she felt him kissing her face and pulling her up against him so that she could cry into his chest. Tsukasa rested his chin on her head, his fingers gently combing through her hair.

She heard his sleepy voice, muffled slightly.

"Makino. Why are you awake?" He questioned, gently kissing her.

He rarely called her Tsukushi, except in certain moments, intimate moments when her name meant more than just what it was, when it meant that he needed her and ardently loved her and wanted her.

She loved when he called her name, whether it was Tsukushi or Makino, and wanted him and needed him as well, intensely, steadfastly, always.

Thinking of how Tsukasa said her name and how she loved it, how she loved him just made Tsukushi cry harder. She didn't want to lose him. If she lost him he wouldn't say her name anymore…

When she didn't answer, and wept harder, Tsukasa said gruffly "Baka, you woke me up."

Moving away from her a little, Tsukasa pulled her hands up so that he could kiss her fingers.

"Stop doing this, you're going to hurt yourself." He ordered, noting how her nails had bit into her palms.

When she didn't comply, he pulled away even more to look at her, noticing how she still cried; her eyes closed, the tears soaking into the pillow underneath them.

What on earth had made her cry? he wondered, thinking about what they had done earlier in the night.

Quizzically Tsukasa recalled their passionate embraces.

"Oi. Makino." Feeling concerned, he shook her shoulder a little, trying to get her attention. Had he hurt her? Eyes widening at the thought that he might have hurt her and thinking he might have been a little too caught up in her to notice her needs, Tsukasa shook Tsukushi again.

Tsukushi continued to cry. It must have been bad, Tsukasa thought, his mind still flipping back over the experience. He had kissed her in various places, had he bitten her? Maybe it had hurt.

Cursing himself in his mind, he pulled back the covers a little, and examined her neckline that was barely covered by his shirt, looking for scars or bleeding. He knew he sometimes got carried away, but she always seemed to like it and she had never cried like this before.

"What's wrong?"

No answer, just little sobs that were starting to hurt his heart. He hated it when she wept like this, like her world was breaking apart. What on earth had happened?

What had he done?

Maybe he hadn't said he loved her. He had thought it and felt it, but did he forget to say it? Did he forget to ask her if she wanted to make love the second time? Or, and here he felt a little chagrined, the third time? But they hadn't seen each other in weeks. Did he thrust too hard in his eagerness? She had cried out repeatedly, had she cried out in pain?

Completely confused, Tsukasa did the only thing he could think of doing to distract her.

He kissed her, the taste of her tears making him ache inside, her sobs stilling for a moment as she kissed him back, only to begin anew as he pulled away. Horrified, Tsukasa deduced that he must have hurt her during that third time and worried for her, spoke.

"Where did I hurt you?" Tsukasa demanded, now pulling back the sheet and sitting up so that he could inspect her body. He had never been so furious at himself before. Reaching for the hem of the shirt she wore, he pulled it back to inspect her soft thigh, squinting in the moonlight.

He had said once that he would never forgive anyone who hurt her and meant it. If he was that person, then he would never forgive himself.

Looking back up at her face, Tsukasa said imploringly

"Listen, I won't do that again, whatever it was. You don't have to cry anymore. Just tell me where I hurt you. We don't have to make love anymore if you don't want to. I won't hurt you again."

Tsukushi opened her eyes that were still filled with tears and replied.

"You almost died."

Somehow, the reply did not match the question and Tsukasa wondered if he had heard correctly.

"WHAT?" He exclaimed, feeling totally unnerved.

He did not almost die; he was still a young man. It might have seemed like he was dying, what with all the roaring of her name and the gasping, but really, they had done this before and she had never thought he might die those times.

"Makino, I am not going to die just because we make love. Now tell me where I hurt you. It must be bad, you are crying a lot."

"No, no. You don't understand." She said tearfully looking up at him. "Almost died."

Looking baffled, Tsukasa considered her answer. Did she almost die? He had never heard of killing someone with passion although what if it could happen? He loved her so much. What the hell was going on?

"Makino, we aren't going to make love anymore. I am not going to do something that could possibly hurt you or kill you." Getting out of bed, Tsukasa walked over to the nearby dresser and pulling out some boxers, hastily put them on.

Sitting up, Tsukushi blinked a little, registering what he had just said.

'We aren't going to make love anymore. I am not going to do something that could possibly hurt you or kill you.'

What on earth?

Looking at him, now wide eyed and not tearful, Tsukushi echoed his earlier question.

"WHAT?"

When he just looked away, hesitating and gripping the dresser drawer, Tsukushi pressed on, feeling bewildered.

"Domyoji, what are you talking about?"

Tsukasa ran nervous fingers through his hair, and moved to sit on the bed next to her, looking down in shame.

"I know I hurt you and I think it was during that third time. If you think I almost killed you, then we have to stop because I don't want to kill you. I don't even want to hurt you and if I did then…" he fisted his hands in the blanket, his head still bowed. "Then I should leave now."

Leave? Tsukushi looked at him, completely perplexed. He was talking about almost killing her. He didn't almost kill her, and that third time…

Blushing, Tsukushi recalled that she had urged him on, imploring him not to stop yet, not yet.

Getting up to leave, Tsukasa was shocked when Tsukushi grabbed the waistband of his boxers, tugging insistently.

"Domyoji, this doesn't make sense. You did not almost kill me."

"But you said."

"I didn't say that." Tsukushi's voice rose a little bit.

"Yes you did! You said you almost died." Tsukasa's voice followed, also rising in pitch.

"I said you almost died." Tsukushi spoke louder, rising up to stand on the bed.

"I did not almost die! I am a young man! I have stamina and I am not going to die making love to my girlfriend." Tsukasa shouted, also stepping up onto the bed to tower over her.

"I didn't say you didn't have stamina. I said you almost died." Their faces drew closer to each other.

"I didn't almost die!" Tsukasa said very loudly and firmly.

"Yes you did. That time!" Impatiently, Tsukushi reached out to him, wanting him to understand. Holding his face in her hands, she spoke slowly and clearly "That time in the hospital, you almost died!"

"What time?" Tsukasa inquired, still loudly but feeling a little calmed by the feel of her fingers against his face. He wondered what she meant by 'hospital'. As far as he could remember, they had never made love in a hospital. And he was certain he had never almost died from it.

"That time in New York. That time in the hospital." Tsukushi said in a softer voice, looking away. "That time." She repeated.

The room was quiet for a moment after that, Tsukasa looking down at her, his breathing becoming even as he calmed down. Tsukushi still looked away from him, now staring at both of their feet sinking into the softness of the mattress.

Finally realizing what she was talking about, Tsukasa spoke quietly then, his arms coming around her waist

"You mean the time with the knife."

Tsukushi covered her mouth with her hand, trying with all her might not to burst into tears. Tsukasa gathered her close, kissing her ear and urging her to tell him what was wrong.

"Makino, why were you crying earlier? Tell me."

"No." He could barely hear her, her voice had become so small and unlike the louder intense tones she usually used. Pulling her down with him so that they were laying on the mattress, Tsukasa pulled her up against his chest and reached for the blankets, covering them both. Tsukushi lay there quietly, her arms around him, her face pressed against his chest.

Recalling what he had heard from others about events that had transpired upon a day he could not and probably would not ever remember, Tsukasa sighed, his chin resting against her head. He had thought about those lost days, although he had never brought them up to her, having had no idea of how to even begin discussing it.

What could he say? That one moment he remembered joyfully reaching out for her, which turned into a strange disconnected dream in which she was saying his name and then suddenly she was there again, in real time, hitting him on the head with a baseball? Between those strange recollections, time had gone by in a daze without him really having noticed.

He was still coming to terms with it, the scar on his back hurting a little when he absently touched it. Others still seemed to be trying to come to terms with it as well. Every so often, Tsukasa caught Tama coddling him unexpectedly and the F4 looking at him as though they were grateful he was still standing there before them.

Tsukushi had never really talked seriously about how it had bothered her. After they had finally reunited, barring a few arguments and her hitting him with the ball, they had gone on as usual, much to his relief.

He had thought about asking her about it, but didn't know how to bring it up. He couldn't remember it so well, and honestly that embarrassed him.

He did recall that he had spent a great deal of time with Umi. And thinking about Umi made Tsukasa angry and upset that in some part of his life he had been out of control and had been linked to some strange girl.

Someone other than Tsukushi.

They lay there in silence, Tsukasa absently rubbing Tsukushi's back. He knew he ought to talk with her about it, her crying tonight showed that it was still hanging over their lives.

"I heard you shouted at me." He began, noting how she tensed against him. Kissing the top of her head, he continued. "Soujiro told me. You shouted through the glass."

When she didn't reply, he nuzzled her, closing his eyes. "You shouted and I didn't die. He said it was close and that they were very surprised." A small sob escaped her and he kissed her forehead, hugging her closer.

"They said that your words could be heard throughout the hallway, and that the doctors and everyone stared. And then my heart beat again." She was crying now, he could feel the tears falling on him, her body shaking, this time not with pleasure but with pain.

"That was so like you." He said quietly, staring out at some indistinct point, thinking about what had happened. "You didn't break apart. You got angry and pulled me back. You didn't let me go." He smiled painfully, still staring into the distance. "You declared war on me again."

Tsukushi wept louder, her fists balled against his chest. Looking down at her, Tsukasa continued

"I don't remember much. But I am sorry that I made you scared. And I am sorry I left you alone when I didn't remember you." Gently pushing her away so he could roll her onto her back and cover her body with his, Tsukasa kissed her tear stained face, and said

"I'll try my best never to leave you again. So don't cry anymore."

She continued to cry, shaking as he covered her with kisses.

"Don't." He entreated her, kissing her neck and undoing a few buttons of the shirt so that he could nuzzle her collarbone. Pulling the shirt apart even more, he caressed her as she turned her head away to sob into the pillow.

"Makino." He wondered what she might be thinking. "Say something."

When she didn't answer, Tsukasa decided to take another approach. Wanting to cheer her up somehow and feeling like she needed encouragement instead of a long drawn out discussion, Tsukasa said jokingly

"You are very cute right now, needing me to comfort you. But you know you also look funny because your face is red. Like a red panda. Or a cocker spaniel. Especially with your sad eyes."

He flinched as the pillow next to his head hit him squarely in the face. Opening his eyes, he found Tsukushi glaring at him even though her eyes were still filled with tears.

"That's better." Tsukasa said, relieved. He smiled and kissed her nose as she continued to glare, her tears spilling over again. Bringing his finger up to point into her face, he commanded.

"Stop crying now! Or else!"

Tsukushi narrowed her eyes, her tears still falling. "How can you order me to stop crying? I was really scared that day! And now you are calling me a cocker spaniel? And exactly what do you mean by or else?" She hiccupped then, the little sound making him chuckle.

"Cocker spaniel! So funny!"

The pillow hit him in the head again, as Tsukushi huffed a little, her tears now subsiding.

"I am not a cocker spaniel!" she said feeling annoyed and wanting to get out from underneath him.

Leave it to him to change a serious moment into a strange one. Distracted from her earlier sadness, and feeling a little frustrated, Tsukushi pushed on Tsukasa's chest which only served to make him hold her closer, his delighted laughter resounding around the room.

Enjoying how she moved underneath him in agitation, the softness of her skin feeling so good, Tsukasa pulled aside more of the shirt to kiss her bare shoulder.

"Makino." He mumbled, kissing lower, as she wriggled underneath him, this time in pleasure. "You really scared me there. Making me think I was killing you. And questioning my stamina! Who do you think I am?"

"Who do I think you are? You are…" Tsukushi stammered, frowning. "Like an animal! Like a gorilla. Or a giraffe. Or…Ah."

"Really?" Tsukasa murmured, kissing her in places that were making other places ache.

"Y-yes." Tsukushi moaned, tempted to pull him closer and push him away at the same time.

"Hmm." He replied distractedly, caught up in kissing her arm.

Tsukasa gently caressed her leg, noting how she gasped a little as he tickled the back of her knee. He wanted to make love to her again and wanting to know how she felt, he said her name urgently, asking her indirectly with that one word.

"Tsukushi."

Tsukushi felt torn between the sensation of his kisses, his caresses and her earlier remembrances. Should they be doing this right now?

"I'm not sure…" She replied, still a little uneasy from their earlier conversation.

Tsukasa kissed her slowly and passionately, warming her and comforting her. She was always like this, uncertain in the beginning and urging him on at the end. Thinking that she wanted him, and knowing that he wanted her, Tsukasa's lips moved across her cheek as he whispered his indirect question again.

"Kawaii Tsukushi."

Moving downwards, Tsukasa brought his hand up to undo more buttons.

"Beautiful Tsukushi."

Tsukushi moaned as he nuzzled her. Taking her moan as her consent but wanting to make sure, Tsukasa rose up to kiss her lips. Looking into her eyes intently, Tsukasa asked her one more time.

"Sexy Tsukushi."

There was a moment's pause as Tsukushi stared deeply into his eyes. His fingers continued their caressing motions, pausing here and there. Unable to resist, Tsukushi reached up to touch his face.

Encouraged, Tsukasa grinned as he brushed a particularly sensitive spot.

"Don't die okay."

She whimpered in reply as she clutched his shoulders.

"Tsukasa."

He chuckled again and continued his motions. And caught up in loving him, Tsukushi forgot the scar, their conversation and everything else save the feeling of him holding her into the long moonlit night.

AN: A few notes. Scar tissue can very sensitive for a time after an injury because of the kind of nerves and tissue that grow there during healing (points to own appendicitis scar that is now nice and normal but used to feel weird for about a year).

Also, I want to say that I may not be completely accurate in the recollection of events from volumes 31-34, more specifically, the arc where Tsukasa gets amnesia. I read Jennifer Wand's translations long ago and saw some scans but I find that particular story arc so overwhelmingly heart wrenching and so I have been avoiding the related manga volumes for some time. I do plan to read that arc in detail eventually, either when it is published in English or by reading the Japanese version of the manga.

Anyway, about 3 weeks ago, I remembered what I had read about when Tsukasa was stabbed. I kept wondering, in later volumes of the manga, when Kamio-sensei drew Tsukasa without his shirt on, did she ever show that he might have a scar? That got me thinking and then I came up with the idea for this story. Because I haven't looked at those volumes of the manga in detail, I am not exactly sure about he was stabbed, although from the translations I think he was stabbed in the back. This is why I decided to place the scar somewhere on his lower back. Anyway, in conclusion, please forgive any inaccuracies!

Finally, I hope you enjoyed this story! More will be coming soon, please look forward to it! And please check my author's page for notes and updates!

-Maho-chan 6/4/06

(6/15/06) I finally reread the last volumes of HYD. And after rereading the last volumes, I realized the innacuracy in "Scar", the fact that a certain scene did not occur in NY. I am going to leave it as is since I am pleased overall with how "Scar" was written, but I just wanted to say please don't mind the inaccuracies. As always, I hope you enjoyed the story. And thanks again to everyone who reviewed "Scar". I really appreciated your comments. :)