A/N: I was stuck in the car and bored, and I was thinking about how much it sucked that Chris Daughtry was kicked off Idol, I decided to write this completely random story. Sorry for the punny-ness in the songs! And sorry if it sucks.
Disclaimer: I don't own it, or American Idol. Or the altered songs featured in this story.
"Hello, and welcome to Alagaesian Idol! And I'm your hostess, Callernumber16onz100! Today, we have Murtagh, Eragon, Arya, Galbatorix, Angela, and Saphira! First up, Murtagh!"
Murtagh stumbles onto the stage.
"Hello, Murtagh," I say as all the girls in the audience start screaming. One girl jumps onto the stage and hugs him.
"Oh Murtagh!" she bellows. "I know you're not really evil! I support you in whatever you do! For better, for worse, for richer for-"
"Security!"
Two big, huge meg in the Varden uniform walk onto the stage and grab the screaming fan-girl, dragging her by the arms off the stage.
"Okay then..." I say. "So, Murtagh, today, you are singing Alagaesian Rhapsody." I thrust a microphone at him and push him onto the stage.
Murtagh taps the microphone and jumps back as a screeching sound errupts from it. "Er... what is this?"
I roll my eyes. "It's a micro- talk into it, it makes you voice loud."
"Ooh- OH!" he exclaims as he talks into the microphone. "Is it magically enhanced? Did Galbatorix help you? Or was it those elves-"
"SING!"
Music comes on and Murtagh is standing pathetically in the middle of the stage, somewhat distracted by the screaming girls.
"Uh..."
I hit my head on the wall. The show's ratings were so going down.
Murtagh opens his mouth to sing (thankfully, maybe we won't get cancelled in the middle of the season!).
"Brothaaaaaaaaaa
I killed a man
Put an arrow to his head
Pulled the string
Now he's dead.
Brothaaaaaaaaaaa
My bad life has just begun
But now I've gone and sealed all our fates
Brothaaaaa, ooo
Didn't mean to make you mad
If the worlds not around tomorrow
Live on, live on, as if nothing really matters-
Too late,my time has come,
Sends shivers down your spine-
Dwarve's body's aching all the time,
Goodbye everybody-You've got to go-
I've left you all behind to face the truth-
Brothaaaaaaa, ooo- (any way the wings go)
You don't want to die."
Girls are jumping up and clapping as Murtagh takes his final bow, where he rips off his shirt, full of Murtagh-ish angst.
"Murtagh," I hiss. "This is a family-oriented show!"
"Oh." Murtagh mutters a spell, and much to the girl portion of the audience's disappointment, put his shirt back on.
"Time to find out what the judges think," I say as I walk up and stand next to Murtagh. "First, Oromis!"
"It was good, Finiarel, it was good," Oromis says, making a peace sign with his right hand.
"Islanzadi?"
Queen Islanzadi stands up and claps her hands loudly. "Whoo! I absolutely loved it, Muragh!"
"Brom?"
"Quite frankly, I think you need a lot of singing help." Lots of boos towards Brom.
"I think you did a good job," I say as Murtagh walks off the stage. "Ok, next, we have Eragon, after the break."
-----------------------
"And we're back!"
Eragon walks up onto the stage, greeted by hundeds of screams, though this time it's co-gender.
"Hello, Eragon!" I say, beaming, pumping his hand up and down.
"Er... hello, I'd like to keep my sword arm, thank-you," he says as I embarrassingly let go of his arm.
"Uh, yeah, so, today, you will be singing, 'You Said.'" I again thrust the microphone at somebody's face.
"Er... right..." Eragon steps on to the stage as the music begins playing. Trying to outdo his brother, he stepped forward, then tripped and landed on his butt.
"GOD! WHY DOES EVERYBODY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SINGING!"
Eragon shoots me a looks, then turns to the audience.
"I'm flying home, the sky is dark it's raining.
I just can't wait, to see you tonight
The thought of how you yelled at me's driving me crazy
And I can't think of anything but you
Do you believe we met for a reason?
I know you don't
But I believe that we were meant to beeeeeeeeee
And you said nooooooooo ( nooooooooo ) waaaaaaaaaaaaay (waaaaaaaaaaaaay)
Noooooooooooooo waaaaaaaaaaaaay!
And you said nooooooooo ( nooooooooo ) waaaaaaaaaaaaay (waaaaaaaaaaaaay)
Noooooooooooooo waaaaaaaaaaaaay!"
Eragon finished, taking a bow, in which he too tried to rip his shirt of, but it was too thick, so it ended up just looking stretched. "Darn dwarvish material," he muttered.
"BRAVO!" I bellow. "And now, the judges."
"Finiarel," Oromis says. "It was ai'ght, finiarel, it was ai'ght. I have tought you well."
"Hm... Murtagh's was much hotter..." Islanzadi drawled.
"Too much of the same lines," Brom said, flicking a hair off of his shoulder. "Also, everyone knows what you're singing about."
"BROM!" Islanzadi exclaims. "The audience does not need to know about Eragon's infatuation with my daughter-"
"Ehem," I say.
"-because it is not any need of theirs to know Eragon's secret yearnings for Arya-"
"Ehem!"
"-because it is his private business that does not need to be broadcasted-"
"EHEM!"
"Oh... oops... sorry Argetlam," Islanzadi says sheepishly.
"Uh, that's enough, be back after the break..."
-----------------------
"And, we're back, after a rather... uncomfortable judgement," I say, glancing at Islanzadi. "Now, we have Arya!"
Many claps came, mostly from the male portion of the audience this time.
Arya stepped onto the stage gracefully and takes the microphone I hand to her.
"So, today you will be singing a song that you wrote?" I ask.
"Yes."
"Then... er... take the stage, I s'pose..." I had really been hoping for more of a response.
Arya stood sat in the center of the stage on a stool.
"How many times
Must I tell you
We can never be
I'm mourning the loss
Of one that I loved
Oooooh
Do not toy with me
I've told you no
Say it ain't so
It is
Waohhh
Love is a battle
I am sorry to say no
I'm mourning the loss
Of my past love
I am sorry
To say no
We cannot be..."
Arya set the microphone down on her lap, and stared blankly out into the quiet audience. Slowly, people came out of their daze, because elves, including Arya, had amazing singing voices, and began clapping wildly.
"Oh. My. Helzvog," I say, using the Dwarvish god's name. "So, judges, what did you think? Oromis?"
Oromis stands up and bellows, "WE HAVE A HOT ONE TONIGHT! YOU'RE IN TIHE SVIT-KONA POUND!"
A smile twitches at Arya's lips, probably from the fact that one of the most prestigious elves in Du Weldenvarden was using words like 'hot one' and 'svit-kona pound.'
"Islanzadi? Oh, please be as unbiased as possible," I say as Queen Islanzadi stands up and claps, yelling incoherent words.
"Hush! ISLANZADI, BE QUIET!" When Islanzadi finally quiets down, I turn to Brom and say, "Brom?"
"I liked it." Then, he sipped the Faelnirv in his cup, refusing to make eye contact.
"Ok... we'll be back after the break with Galbatorix!"
-----------------------
"Aaaaaand, we're back," I say as people begin to boo as Galbatorix walks up the stage. "AAH!" I scream as I get hit in the head with a tomato.
Somebody yells, "Oh crap, I missed!"
"OI!" I bellow. "Let the dude sing! The sooner you're quiet, the sooner he gets off the stage!"
"Hey!" Galbatorix huffs. "I am king! You shall all bow down to my! I WILL be the Alagaesian Idol!"
"Why must I say this so many times?" I complain to the ceiling. "Just sing, already." I thrust the microphone in Galbatorix's face, who takes it, and spins onto the stage, using his magic to make 'special effects.' Then, he opens his mouth to sing:
"Galbatorix's comin' down across the alleyway
Up on the boulevard like an arrow on parade
Light of a rider
He's so corrupted
Flyingat you on the count of 1,2,1,2,3,4!
My name is Galabatorix and you better not wear it out
Dragon commander that your momma talked about
King of the Forsworn
And I'm here to conquer
That arrow in the vein of the Empire-ment!"
When he finishes, people semi-clap, semi-boo, and throw tomatoes.
I step up onto the stage next to Galbatorix. "Judges?"
Oromis clears his throat. "I would just like to say, Galbatorix, I hate you. A lot. And I thought it was horrible."
"Don't be biased," I hiss through gritted teeth, smiling at the camera falsely.
"I still didn't like it. I'm not a Gre-"
"They don't exist!"
"I'm not a big fan of that style of music," Oromis huffs, not appreciating being repremanded.
Islanzadi stands up, walks to Galbatorix, and slaps him. "YOU DIRTY BASTARD! THANKS TO YOU MY HUSBAND IS DEAD!" Then, she turns to me. "I NEED A FUCKING BREAK!" and stalks out the room.
"Uh... please tell me those words were beeped out?" I ask. I am quite sure at the moment that there will not be a second season of this show. "No? What? Ack. Well, gothen,Brom.
Brom just crossed his arms infront of his chest and refused to speak, probably because the Ra'zac, which had been working for Galbatorix, had killed him. Which makes no sense, because Brom is sitting right there.
"Hey," Galbatorix begins. "Aren't you dead?"
"COMMERCIALS!" I scream.
------------------------
"And, we're back, with Angela," I say, wiping sweat off of my forhead and smoothing the creases in my skirt. "She'll be singing "We Put A Spell On You," featuring Solembum... wait... WHAT?"
"Ooh hoo, don't worry, Caller, we'll be fine!"
"Hey, wai-"
The music begins to play as Angela brings the mic to her face.
"Weput a spell on you
Because you're mad.
You better stop
The things that youre castin'.
Wesaid watch out!" Meow.
"Weaint lyin', no!
Weain't gonna take none of your
Castin'around;" Meow.
"I ain't gonna take none of your
Killin' othersdown;
I put a spell on you
Because youre wrong.
That'sright!" Meow.
I gaped and looked at the program. Nothing there said Featuring Solembum.
Bloody witch, I thought as I stepped onto the stage. "What an... unexpected performance," I say. "Judges?"
"FANTASTIC! WE'VE GOT ANOTHER HOT ONE TONIGHT! SVIT-KONA POUND, FO' SURE!" Oromis bellows crazily, making a peace sign again.
Islanzadi leans forward, resting her chin on her hands. "The werecat was a lovely touch, and that song got me fabulously upbeat!"
Brom just glares at Angela. It was obvious the two didn't get along to well.
"Brom?" Angela exclaimed. "Why, I thought you were dead!"
I shake my head. "Commercials, now."
------------------------
"And we're back," I say wearily. "Now, for our closing, we have Saphira, singing something of her own dragonistic creation."
Saphira stomps onto the stage. Music begins to play. She lets out a puff of smoke, then pounces off the stage.
"Erm..." I say. "I don't think we need comments from the judges... So, anyway, to find out who will be the Alagaesian Idol, in your responses, put who you want to win. Look for the second chap-er, episode of this stor-uh, show, and the winner shall be revealed! Any last words from the contestants?"
Murtagh says: "Vote for me, because I'm hotter than Eragon."
Eragon says: "Vote for me because I'm nicer and don't make rude comments to my brother."
Arya says: nothing.
Galbatorix says: "Vote for me, or you die."
Angela and Solembum say: "Vote for me, or I shall put a spell on you, get it? Put. A. Spell. On. You? Oh,I crack myself up."
Saphira says: nothing, just lights Callernumber16onz100's skirt on fire.
A/N: Well, thanks for reading my fic. Please leave your votes in the comments, if anyone actually reads this fic... hmm...
I'll update when I have enough comments. Or if I don't have anything to write and feel like updating. Whichever comes first.