Chapter One

I cannot believe this.

Honestly.

I hate my twin.

George, me babber, you're dead.

He's only just gone and told the love of my life about my true feelings for her. I'm sure Pansy Parkinson will kill herself shortly.

It's amazing for someone with the wit, lustre, and good looks such as I to remain those three magnificently in a crisis like this.

Seriously.

I will be responsible for the death of the gorgeous, intelligent, dazzling, stunning, elegant, eye-catching being that is the love of my life, my sole reason for breathing… Professor Sprout.

Just kidding. Don't you just love it when I do that? Don't worry, I hate it too.

My twin brother, George Weasley, of The Burrow, Ottery St. Catchpole, walked up to Hermione Granger and engaged her in conversation. He put up with ten minutes of "Ancient Runes was absolutely fascinating today" which he hears as a lullaby because it's utter drivel. Because I am in love (or I think so) with Hermione, it is music to my ears. I also think it is complete shit, but because it is coming from her full lips I ignore the voice in my brain saying "what a total shit pie she is talking" it and listen intently. I have to if I want to at least kiss a gorgeous girl like Hermione this millennium. Or even this school year; this is my last year within these magnificent walls.

I bet you wonder what I'm talking about. Well, put it this way, before we split up for the summer holidays, I would much rather have sex with Dumbledore than I would with Hermione.

I know this sounds totally superficial but Hermione Granger got hot. And I mean hot. Like the sun. She totally changed over the summer holidays. Her hair got smooth (sigh, I thought it would be bushy forever. I lost a bet to Lee Jordan over that!), she got curves in all the right places and, shock, horror (!), she now uses make-up. Not a lot, but just enough to make the difference.

Oh and there's one other thing that makes my never-ceasing love for her even harder to bear. Oh yes. Believe it or not…

… she goes out with Ron.

Now, if it were George who was her boyfriend, I would be able to get away with kissing her. But the only way I'll be able to do this and get away with it now is that I make a Polyjuice Potion and turn myself into Ron. I hate my brothers. Not like I haven't always hated them. Honestly, the way mum goes on about Bill and Charlie and Percy, it's like George and I aren't related to the rest of them; or we're next-door neighbours. I think its because me and George only got three OWLs each.

But my brother, Ronald Shut Up You Little Bastard Weasley, (believe me, that is his name. He was such a noisy baby and he happened to be screaming during the part of his christening when mum had to give the priest his name) has the chance to be the eternal lover of Miss Hermione Granger.

And anyway, as the bell rang to signal afternoon lessons, he said "Bye, Mione! Oh yeah, Fred fancies you." The he winked and walked off with a huge grin on his face. If I had got there quicker, he would have an indentation of my fist on his face too.