Title: Handprints on Our Hearts
Author: Angel Leviathan
Spoilers: General for everything.
Disclaimer: Atlantis, characters, concept, etc, aren't mine.
Notes: Set in early Season 3. This continues on from a fic I wrote over a year ago 'Unguarded'.
Cooped up on the Daedalus was the last place she wanted to be. And probably the worst place for her to be in her state of mind. Elizabeth spent most of her days wandering round the ship, trying to be useful, ignoring the pity directed at her by those who knew why she was accompanying them back to Earth. She was officially off duty. She hated it. It meant there was something wrong, it meant people were being kind, sympathising, humouring her. It was what she would have done to anyone else. The time she spent alone in her quarters was unbearable. If she had been anywhere else, she could have gone for a walk, a run, anything to clear her head. All she could feel was pain. Guilt. And the ever present, somewhat stupid idea that she was letting the people of Atlantis down by taking legitimate, practically ordered, time off.
It had started with a series of letters she had received when the Daedalus last visited Atlantis. Several had been from her family and a couple from the SGC. The news from her family had shattered her, the letters from the SGC had only confused and worried her. At the time she had ordered John to take over the city for the afternoon whilst she tried to get some kind of grip on her emotions. Progress hadn't been made when Elizabeth couldn't keep from crying for even twenty minutes for the duration of that afternoon and had got no sleep at all that night. She had barely felt John's comforting arms around her, though she was beyond grateful for his presence.
Her sister and brother in law were killed in a car crash. Some young driver out of their mind on some substance or another, too high to realise what side of the road they were on, had come out of nowhere and hit them head on. All three had died on impact. According to the investigation. Elizabeth supposed that they didn't suffer for hours on end was a small mercy. Her two young nieces hadn't been in the car at the time, thankfully. She couldn't even begin to imagine the pain they were going through. A letter from her brother said they had all rallied round to support the girls and were taking care of them, but that it was only a temporary arrangement. She couldn't fathom why it was only temporary. Somebody had to look after Ruth and Marie, for good. What on earth else would happen? They had also delayed the funeral until she could attend, for apparently there was paperwork she had to read and sign. She didn't care about the paperwork. She wanted her family back.
After being kindly 'ordered' to take a break, Elizabeth refused to let herself imagine her position was being threatened, and so walked back to her quarters, still, even after several weeks, mostly numb. She knew there was only a few hours to go until they reached Earth. She just dreaded what she was going to find there.
Normally Elizabeth would have attended a debriefing in the morning, as they arrived late evening, but seeing as General Landry had waited specifically for her return, to speak to her, she pushed aside her deep sense of dread, and her weariness, and followed him to his office. Daniel Jackson briefly pulled her aside to welcome her back, and she tried a smile she knew was unconvincing. Elizabeth knew he was watching her with a frown as she caught up with the General and closed his office door behind her.
"I wish I could welcome you back under better circumstances," Landry began.
She sighed and sat down opposite him, "Its times like this I wonder whether leaving and always lying about where I am was ever a good idea…"
"Doctor, you're helping millions of people on this planet more than you'll ever know. I know it doesn't seem like anything in comparison to your loss, but I want to reassure you, you are doing good out there."
"…Thank you," Elizabeth nodded.
"I have a copy of the paperwork your family sent, it's a photocopy they wanted you to read over before you had to sign anything," Landry handed her several sheets of paper stapled together, "Just to warn you…some of it may come as quite a shock…"
She frowned as she took the papers, almost hesitating. Elizabeth quickly scanned the first two sheets, detailing where the money and possessions her sister had would go. Unsurprisingly, the first listed to have everything were her husband and children. If not her husband, then her family were to secure everything until her daughters were of age. Elizabeth was surprised to find several thousand dollars left to herself, along with specific items of jewellery that she knew their mother had given her. When she got to the last page, she tore a smaller sheet of paper from the back, as instructed. Her eyes widened in shock, the emotion itself almost making her want to break down there and then. The smaller sheet of paper was a letter, a photocopy of the original, in her sister's handwriting, detailing her reasons for what she had done and requested. And what hurt the most was that…after reading it…Elizabeth knew she could never go against her wishes. No matter what it cost her.
She set the papers down on her lap, trying to blink away tears, "I…you'll…you'll need to find another commander for the Atlantis mission then," she said, "…D-Do you have anyone in mind for the job?"
Landry shook his head, "No. We haven't even begun searching."
"But you intend to?" Elizabeth sniffed and blinked several times more, "I'm sorry."
"…No."
She frowned, "But, General, there's no way I can do this and-"
"Take them with you."
"Its too dangerous."
"Let's be honest, Doctor, Earth is threatened and targeted just as often as Atlantis is. In fact, you have better means to defend yourselves. It might be a strain, but there is just as much danger here as there is in your lost city."
Elizabeth stared down at the documentation in her lap, "…My brothers…my parents…could they…" she read the last lines of the letter again, "…No…she didn't want…" she couldn't continue. She suddenly wanted John's support. Nobody else in Atlantis had seen her cry. She wanted to cry and not have to worry about how it made her look.
"Your sister wanted those girls to have a future. You have the best and brightest in Atlantis. More to learn and more to see than the would ever do in a classroom. More than here. It's certainly a risk…but think what your niece-" he stopped, "…and your daughter-"
She looked startled, then remembered he would have read the letter.
"Could do with an Atlantis education."
Elizabeth narrowed her eyes, "…You wont sent most of the USAF to Atlantis. Why are you willing to disclose vital information and risk the lives of two pre-teen children?"
"Because I think they, and you, could do with each other's support right now. And if either of them turn out to be anything like you…Atlantis could do with women like they'll become… Because you wont forgive yourself if you leave your nieces with your brothers after your sister has requested you take care of them…and because, one day, you might want to tell one of them the truth about who she is," Landry finished, keeping his tone even, "…The funeral is tomorrow afternoon," he gently reminded her.
She nodded, "…I know…" she stood up, "If you'll excuse me, General, I need some time to think…and to prepare for tomorrow."
"Take all the time you need."
"Thank you," Elizabeth quickly fled the room before she could even think of crying again. She didn't know if she was capable of being a mother, let alone leading a city and being a mother at the same time. Karrin had requested that she take care of the girls, that she not ask the rest of the family to in her place. Karrin had wanted Ruth to know she wasn't her real mother one day, had wanted her to get the chance to know Elizabeth as her true mother. Their brothers already had children of their own…she couldn't push two more on them. And their mother's health couldn't take looking after two hyperactive young girls. But she would be risking their lives. Karrin had had no idea what she was asking. None at all. Elizabeth wasn't even sure if she would ever be up to telling Ruth the truth, or handle being a stand in mother for Marie. She loved and adored both her nieces, but… oh, it just wasn't that simple. Nothing was simple. Never anymore.