Chapter 19: Blast's New Groove and Theme Songs.

In this chapter I will be giving everyone a theme song. The inspiration for this came from me watching The Emperors New Groove and then playing Guitar Hero. Also to Flames, Chaos, and Wolf: I will answer your request and tell you what the de-barnification process is. I own nothing.

Jen and Archer walked into the Devil's Nest and saw Blast on the couch, tuning a guitar.

"What the hell are you doing," asked Archer.

Blast replied, "Tuning a guitar."

Rolling his eyes, Archer said, "I can see that, but why are you tuning it?"

Seriously, Blast replied, "To play it."

Archer looked surprised and said, "I didn't know you could play guitar."

Blast grinned and said, "There's a lot about me you don't know." He then started to play 'Smoke on the Water' flawlessly.

Archer's jaw dropped and he said, "That was…awesome."

Blast cocked his eyebrow and said, "Yeah, especially since I've never played a guitar before."

"What! How the hell were you playing that song then?"

"I don't know. Oh well, I'm going to go get a beer." Blast got up and started to walk/dance like Kusco from The Emperor's New Groove. Wrath stepped in front of him and 'threw off his groove.' Blast looked outraged and said, "You threw off my groove!" Kimblee walked up and, laying a hand on Wrath's shoulder, said, "I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the psycho's groove." He then lifted Wrath up and threw him out the window.

Greed happened to walk down the road as Wrath hit the ground. He asked, "What happened to you?"

"I threw off Blast's groove!"

"His what?"

"His groove, the rhythm in which he has been living his life for the last five minutes," replied Wrath. As Greed started to walk away he screamed, "Don't throw off his groove! Beware the groove!"

"Okay," Greed replied, walking into the Devil's Nest. He walked over to Blast and asked, "What's up with you?"

A familiar voice said from behind them said, "He's probably still recovering from the Barney episode." They all turned around to see Writer sitting at a table, sipping a glass of wine.

Greed looked at him and said, "Hey, you didn't blow anything up! Wait, what happened to you?" He was talking about the fact that Writer no longer dressed like Blast. His hair was loose and straight, and he wore a full white suit. "I decided to change my look. What do you think?"

Archer replied, "You look like you stole that suit from Morgan Freeman (Bruce Almighty)."

Writer merely smiled and asked, "How was the de-barneyfiying?"

Blast snapped back, "DON'T REMIND ME OF THAT!"

The scene flashes back to the morning after the 'torture.'

Blast, Greed, and Kimblee are zoned out on the couch while Oblivion and the rest of the Devil's Nest crew try to figure out how to de-barneyfy them. Jen looked at Law and asked, "Well, what do we do now?"

Law shook his head and said, "I'm not sure. The hardest core porn didn't bring them back, so I'm out of ideas."

Marta said, "We're gonna have to re-acquaint them with a little thing called sleaze. We'll need the help of an expert. Archer, get in here!"

Dorochet commented, "But, he's a different kind of sleaze."

Jen looked at him and replied, "We don't have a lot of options."

Stepping forward, Archer said, "Alright, leave this to me." He dragged the three of them into the next room. Moments later, blood-curdling screams erupted from behind the closed door. An hour later, Archer emerged.

"Well?" they all asked.

"I did everything I could," he replied.

They all gasped and said, "You mean they're…"

"Good as new, yes," he said.

The trio walked out of the room, looking completely normal.

Marta asked, "What did you do to them?"

"Simple," he said. "I merely showed the continuous footage of Barney's death and pumped straight alcohol into their bloodstreams."

(End flashback)

"Thank you for opening old wounds, Writer."

"Hey, it's what I do. I have something that might cheer you up. I have given you all your own theme song."

SNAP

Looking around, Blast said, "Nothing is happening."

Writer replied, "Get up, and try it out."

Blast got up and his theme song started to play.

Once I rose above the noise and confusion

Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion

I was soaring ever higher

But I flew too high

Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man

Though my mind could think I still was a mad man

I hear the voices when I'm dreaming

I can hear them say

Carry on my wayward son

There'll be peace when you are done

Lay your weary head to rest

Don't you cry no more

Masquerading as a man with a reason

My charade is the event of the season

And if I claim to be a wise man, well

It surely means that I don't know

On a stormy sea of moving emotion

Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean

I set a course for winds of fortune

But I hear the voices say

Carry on my wayward son

There'll be peace when you are done

Lay your weary head to rest

Don't you cry no more

Blast looked at Writer and said, "You'll have to explain that one."

"Simple," Writer explained, "I made you, so technically, you're my son, and your wayward from the military."

"I guess that makes sense, but I thought I was your alter-ego."

"Good point…" Writer replied. Kimblee walked into the room. "Hello Kimblee, I have something for you."

Kimblee cringed. "I don't think I want anything from you…"

"It's nothing bad, just a theme song."

Kimblee replied, "I get a theme song? Is my popularity that high?"

SNAP

Die, die, die my darling

Don't utter a single word

Die, die, die my darling

Just shut your pretty eyes

I'll be seeing you again

I'll be seeing you in hell

So don't cry to me oh baby

Your future's in an oblong box

Don't cry to me oh baby

You should have seen it a-coming on

Don't cry to me oh baby

Had to know it was in your cards

Don't cry to me oh baby

Dead-end zone for a dead-end girl

Don't cry to me oh baby

Now your life drains on that floor

Don't cry to me oh baby

Die, die, die my darling

Don't utter a single word

Die, die, die my darling

Just shut your pretty mouth

I'll be seeing you again

I'll be seeing you in hell

"Cool, my song rocks." Kimblee said grinning.

"It's your turn Jen."

Jen frowned and said, "Nothing cheery I hope."

Writer replied, "No, it's actually kinda dark."

I can't escape this hell

So many times I've tried

But I'm still caged inside

Somebody get me through this nightmare

I can't control myself

So what if you can see

The darkest side of me

No one would ever change this animal I have become

Help me believe, It's not the real me

Somebody help me tame this animal (this animal x's 2)

I can't escape myself

So many times I've lied

But there's still rage inside

Somebody get me through this nightmare

I can't control myself

So what if you can see

The darkest side of me

No one would ever change this animal I have become

Help me believe, It's not the real me

Somebody help me tame this animal I have become

Help me believe, It's not the real me

Somebody help me tame this animal

"Not bad I guess." Jen said.

Writer smiled and snapped again. This time Scar appeared.

"How did I get here?" he asked.

"I brought you here to give you a theme song," Writer answered.

SNAP

I've told you this once before

Can't control me

If you try to take me down

You're gonna break

I feel your every "nothing" that you're doing for me

I'm thinking you ought to make your own way

I stand alone

Inside

I stand alone

You're always hiding behind your so-called goddess

So what

You don't think that we can see your face

Been resurrected back before the final falling

And I'll never rest until I can make my own way

(I'm not afraid of fading)

I stand alone

Feeling your sting down inside me

I'm not dying for it

I stand alone

Everything that I believe is fading

I stand alone

Inside

I stand alone

"…Acceptable," Scar said.

"I thought you might like it."

Ed, who had walked in a moment ago, asked, "Do I have a theme?"

Writer gulped and replied, "Well…yes, but I don't think you'll like it…" Ed still persisted. Writer finally gave in. "Alright," He said, "but don't say I didn't warn you…"

Have a little love on a little honeymoon

You got a little dish and you got a little spoon

A little bitty house and a little bitty yard

A little bitty dog and a little bitty car.

Well, it's alright to be little bitty

A little hometown or a big old city

Might as well share, might as well smile

Life goes on for a little bitty while.

A little bitty baby in a little bitty gown

It'll grow up in a little bitty town

A big yellow bus and little bitty books

It all started with a little bitty look.

Well, it's alright to be little bitty

A little hometown or a big old city

Might as well share, might as well smile

Life goes on for a little bitty while.

You know you got a job and a little bitty check

A six pack of beer and television set

Little bitty world goes around and around

Little bit of silence and a little bit of sound.

A good ole boy and a pretty little girl

Start all over in a little bitty world

Little bitty plan and a little bitty dream

It's all part of a little bitty scheme.

It's alright to be little bitty

A little hometown or a big old city

Might as well share, might as well smile

Life goes on for a little bitty while.

It's alright to be little bitty

A little hometown or a big old city

Might as well share, might as well smile

Life goes on for a little bitty while.

(Whoooo)...

(I did theme songs just to pull this joke on Ed.)

Ed went into one of his tantrums and yelled, "WRITER YOU BASTARD!!! YOU DID THAT SONG JUST TO PISS ME OFF!!!"

"Yes, yes I did."

Lust had walked in just as the song had started to play, and was now laughing her head off. Writer grinned and said, "Keep laughing, because you're next Lust."

"WHAT?!" She asked surprised.

I know a thing or two about her

I know she'll only make you cry

She'll let you walk the street beside her

But when she wants she'll pass you by

Ev'rybody said she's lookin' good

And the lady knows it's understood

Strutter!

Strutter!

Strutter!

She wears her satin like a lady

She gets her away just like a child

You take her home and she says "Maybe, baby"

She brings down and drives you wild

Ev'rybody said she's lookin' good

And the lady knows it's understood

Strutter!

"Oh well," She said, "At least it isn't as bad as Ed's." Everyone started laughing, and then Writer said, "Greed, your last."

I, I'm driving black on black

Just got my license back

I got this feeling in my veins this train is coming off the track

I'll ask polite if the devil needs a ride

Because the angel on my right ain't hanging out with me tonight

I'm driving past your house while you were sneaking out

I got the car door opened up so you can jump in on the run

Your mom don't know that you were missing

She'd be pissed if she could see the parts of you that I've been kissing

Screamin'

No, we're never gonna quit

Ain't nothing wrong with it

Just acting like we're animals

No, no matter where we go

'Cause everybody knows

We're just a couple of animals

So come on baby, get in

Get in, just get in

Check out the trouble we're in

You're beside me on the seat

Got your hand between my knees

And you control how fast we go by just how hard you wanna squeeze

It's hard to steer when you're breathing in my ear

But I got both hands on the wheel while you got both hands on my gears

By now, no doubt that we were heading south

I guess nobody ever taught her not to speak with a full mouth

'Cause this was it, like flicking on a switch

It felt so good I almost drove into the ditch

I'm screamin'

No, we're never gonna quit

Ain't nothing wrong with it

Just acting like we're animals

No, no matter where we go

'Cause everybody knows

We're just a couple of animals

So come on baby, get in

Get in, just get in

Look at the trouble we're in

We were parked out by the tracks

We're sitting in the back

And we just started getting busy

When she whispered "what was that?"

The wind, I think 'cause no one else knows where we are

And that was when she started screamin'

"That's my dad outside the car!"

Oh please, the keys, they're not in the ignition

Must have wound up on the floor while

we were switching our positions

I guess they knew that she was missing

As I tried to tell her dad it was her mouth that I was kissing

Screamin'

No, we're never gonna quit

Ain't nothing wrong with it

Just acting like we're animals

No, no matter where we go

'Cause everybody knows

We're just a couple animals

So come on baby, get in

We're just a couple of animals

Get in, just get in

Ain't nothing wrong with it

Check out the trouble we're in

Get in, just get in

"The song suits me." Greed said with a grin.

Everyone left the room but Writer and Thom. Thom looked at Writer and said, "I want to make things happen when I snap my fingers too." Writer looked back at him and said, "But you can do that already. Try it."

Thom snapped. "Nothing happened." he said. Writer was about to say something when Greed walked into the room covered in soot, with smoke coming off of him. He looked at them and said, "Okay, I'm freaked out. My television just blew-up." He shot a knowing glance at Thom and asked, "You wouldn't know anything about it would you?"

"Nope," he replied innocently.

Greed said, "Whatever, I'm, gonna finish watching Baywatch in here."

Thom jumped up and said, "Baywatch is on? SWEET!" The scene ends with the three of them watching Baywatch.

The songs I used were:

Thom: Kansas- Carry on My Wayward Son

Kimblee: Metallica- Die, Die, Die My Darling

Jen: Three Days Grace- Animal I Have Become

Scar: God smack- I Stand Alone

Ed: Allan Jackson- Little Bitty

Lust: Kiss- Strutter

Greed: Nickleback- Animals