"Well, well, well," Yzma purred. "Looks like your brilliant plan has backfired. Malina is now in love with Kronk! Ahhahahahahahhh!"

"Thank you for the insightful recap of the situation, Miss Van Wrinkle," said Kuzco sarcastically. "Now, are you going to tell me what you want, or are you just going to stand there and cackle until you shrivel up? I'm kinda busy right now."

"You didn't just spray Malina with any love potion, it's a desperate love potion!" crowed Yzma. "And since Kronk was the one who administered the potion, he was the one who Malina fell in love with!"

"Yeah, I sort of guessed that," said Kuzco. "Especially when Malina said she'd give up her biggety-big dream of going to Kuzford U. to be with Kronk. Kronk! She was supposed to give up her dream for ME."

"She still can, you know," said Yzma. "If you make ME empress!"

"Yeah, I'm sure no one saw THIS coming," muttered Kuzco. He shrugged. "Well, anything to get Malina back. So what have you got for me?"

"I make Malina fall OUT of love with Kronk and IN love with you," suggested Yzma.

"Using 'desperate' love potion?" asked Kuzco. "Can you make anything else?"

"Nope. That's all I've got," said Yzma. "Take it or leave it."

Kuzco considered it. "Nah. I don't like Malina as much when she's under the influence of 'desperate' love potion. Too clingy. Got any other solutions?"

"I'll get Malina to fall OUT of love with Kronk," Yzma said. "Then you're free to pursue her any way you like."

"Deal!" said Kuzco. "So then, I Kuzco, hereby declare Yzma empress…" He stopped.

"Go on!" said Yzma impatiently.

Kuzco looked around. "I'm just surprised there's no protest about this."

The royal record keeper shrugged. "You've handed your empire to Yzma so many times, and gotten it back pretty quickly. I don't see why this time will be any different."

"Oh, don't count on it, little man," crowed Yzma. "This time I've finally won!"

"Ah, ah, ah!" said Kuzco, waving his finger at her. "You're not quite off the hook yet. You have to give me the antidote to the love potion."

She grinned evilly. "There is no antidote."

"WHAT?!" cried Kuzco.

"It doesn't NEED an antidote. It's a very fast-acting potion. Side effects may include headache and nausea."

Kuzco stared at her in disbelief.

"Now you see why I don't make love potions. It never was my strong point." Yzma looked at her watch. "You drenched Malina with love potion exactly fourteen minutes and fifty-nine seconds ago. That means the potion should wear off right about…now!" Her watch dinged.

"That's your help? I traded the empire for this?" cried Kuzco. "What a gyp!"

"Let the buyer beware," sniffed Yzma.

"KUZCO!!" Malina stood in the doorway, her fists clenched, her face red.

"Yipe! What do I do now?" he appealed to Yzma.

"Tell her to take two aspirins and call me in the morning," laughed Yzma. "Ta ta! I have an empire to run." She flounced off.

Kuzco turned to face a very angry Malina. "Uh, hey Malina. You're looking well…" he said, smiling weakly.

"You made me make a fool of myself!" she cried. "I'll never be able to look Kronk in the eye again!"

"It's not my fault!" he said. "The potion was defective. You were supposed to be making a fool of yourself over ME!"

"At least I escaped THAT horror," said Malina. She sighed, exasperated. "Will you stop at NOTHING to make me your empress?"

"The answer to that is yes…except for the fact you can't be my empress now," said Kuzco miserably. "When I asked Yzma how to get you back to your normal self, she made me make HER empress in exchange for her help. So Emperor Kuzco is no more. I've lost everything. I hope you're happy."

"Serves you right! And if you think – " she stopped mid-sentence. "Wait a minute. You LOST your empire? To Yzma??"

"Yeah, I just SAID that. Weren't you paying attention?"

"Well, don't just stand there! We've got to get it back!" She grabbed his hand and started to pull him out of the gym.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on there a second!" said Kuzco, stopping in his tracks. "One minute you're mad at me for trying to make you empress, the next minute you'll stop at nothing to help me get my empire back? What's the deal?"

"There is no deal. But we've got to hurry before it's too late!" She started to drag him along.

Kuzco dug his heels into the ground. "I'm not going anywhere until you explain something to me." He grabbed her other hand and turned her until she was facing him. "Over the past four years, you've done nothing but make sure I don't flunk out of Kuzco Academy, or do anything else to lose my empire. You've gone above and beyond what a mere friend would do. There IS a deal, and I'm not moving until you tell me what it is!"

Malina was at a loss for words.

"It's up to you, Malina," said Kuzco. "You can tell me the truth and we can go get my empire back, or we can stand here until Yzma brings the apocalypse down on us. What's it going to be?"

"The truth?" she stalled, but she knew that her cover was about to be blown. Kuzco was standing very close to her, his hands firmly over hers, their eyes locked. At this point, it would be easier to kiss him than to lie to him. And after four long years of fighting him off, she'd had enough.

She was about to tell him everything when Kuzco spoke. "Yes, the truth, Malina. You like me. You've always liked me. Once you admit it, I can make you my empress – once we get my empire back, of course – and then we can all get on with our lives."

He spoke with such arrogant assurance that the words died on her tongue. He could never know. Malina was sad, but relieved. She was herself again. The spell had been broken. She could look into Kuzco's eyes and tell the biggest lie of her life without trembling.

Malina smiled. "You want to know what the deal is?"

"Uh, yeah. I just SAID I did," said Kuzco expectantly.

Malina leaned closer. "Do you really want to know what the deal is?"

Kuzco was captivated. "Uh huh…"

Malina leaned even closer. Their noses were practically touching. "Well, I'll tell you," she whispered. "Between you and Yzma, you are the lesser of the two evils. Despite your self-centeredness, your egotistic behavior, and the fact that you think everything begins and ends with you, you are still a better ruler than Yzma."

She had done it, she knew, and done it well. Kuzco stepped back, subdued. "So that's the truth, huh? The entire truth."

"It is," she said.

He was crestfallen. "I see."

"Now you know," she said, keeping any sadness from creeping into her voice. "So let's stop wasting time and go get your empire back."

"I guess we could do that," said Kuzco, trying to sound cheerful. "But how are we going to do it? I've been plotting all day and I've got no ideas left."

Malina smiled mischievously. "Do you still have that love potion?"

XXX

"Oh no. No. Nononononono. Uh-uh. Not at chance," said Kuzco flatly, after Malina explained her plan.

"It's only for fifteen minutes," she said. "Just long enough for you to get her to make you emperor again."

"I'm not making Yzma fall in love with me!" Kuzco said.

"It's the only way! You'll never get her to willingly give up the empire, so you have to trick her into doing it. The easiest and most efficient way is to use the love potion."

"No!" said Kuzco, annoyed. "I saw how you ran after Kronk. Who knows what Yzma would do to me under the influence?" He shuddered. "Eww. She might try to TOUCH me."

"Do you want your empire back or not?" asked Malina.

Kuzco sighed irritably, as if Malina was the most unreasonable person in the world. "Fine. But you owe me big for this."

"I owe YOU? Let's talk about what YOU owe ME for making me fall in love with Kronk," said Malina ominously. "And for writing a fake rejection letter, and for embarrassing me in front of the whole school at our graduation ceremony…"

"Well, you don't have to be petty about it," said Kuzco, dropping the subject.

XXX

Kuzco stormed into Yzma's throne chamber, dragging a zombie-like Malina behind him.

"Why Kuzco, and Malina. What an unpleasant surprise," said Yzma, reclined regally on the throne.

"Don't 'Kuzco' me, you ripped me off!" he said angrily. "I demand satisfaction!"

"Ah, ah, ah," said Yzma, wagging her finger at him. "I will not listen to your complaint until you address me as 'Her Royal Majesty, Highest-of-the-High, Empress Yzma' and bow like a proper peasant."

"I would…well, not really…but I'm not a peasant," said Kuzco. "And you're not empress, by the way."

"Yes, I am," said Yzma, starting to get annoyed. "You made it official."

"No, you're only empress on the condition that you help me get Malina to fall OUT of love with Kronk, remember?"

"And I did," she said. "The potion wore off. I was there!"

"Uh, wrong-o," said Kuzco.

Just then, Kronk walked in with a plate of spinach puffs.

Malina's eyes lit up. "KRONKIE!!!!!"

Kronk's eyes grew as big as dinner plates. The platter of spinach puffs fell to the floor with a clatter, and he took off screaming. "HELPPPP!"

Malina chased after him. "Oh, don't leave me, Kronkie!"

"I told you, no means no!"

"See??" said Kuzco.

Yzma's mouth dropped open in shock. "But-but-but…"

"But-but-but," said Kuzco, imitating her. "But-but-but nothing. This means I'm still emperor!"

"But I SAW the potion wear off!" cried Yzma, leaping to her feet.

"Apparently it only wears off when Kronk isn't around. Then Malina goes back to normal. But if Kronk happens to come by…" He gestured to Kronk and Malina, who were running around the chamber, wrecking everything in their path.

With a quick hop, Kuzco was on the dais next to Yzma. "You weren't kidding when you said love potions weren't your strong suit." He sat on the throne. "So, no Malina, no empire."

Yzma looked angry enough to burst.

"And don't pop," said Kuzco. "I just had the throne waxed."

"Kuzco," said Yzma sweetly, trying to control her temper. "If I help you, will you give me back the empire?"

"Yeah, I might consider it," said Kuzco lazily.

"I wasn't lying to you when I told you the potion was fast-acting. The potion you used must have been defective. Do you still have it?"

Kuzco hesitated. It was now or never.

He smiled. "You're in luck. As a matter of fact, I have it with me."

"Well, give it to me!" Yzma demanded, holding out her hand.

Kuzco shrugged. "All right, if you insist." He took the vial from his pocket and, squeezing his eyes shut, sprayed her in the face.

After Yzma stopped coughing, Kuzco opened his eyes. What greeted him was the scariest thing he had ever seen – Yzma staring at him with a look of total adoration.

"So….Yzma," Kuzco said nervously.

She did the triple "I think you're the hottest thing that ever lived" eye-lash blink at him.

"Riiigght," said Kuzco. "Well, let's get this over with. I have something important to tell you. I lied to you. You're still empress. Malina's not really in love with Kronk."

If Yzma understood what Kuzco had said, she gave no indication. She just continued to stare at him like she wanted to eat him.

"Oh, dear," said the royal record keeper, depressed. "I knew it was too good to be true!"

"Hey, no worries," said Kuzco reassuringly. "I'll be emperor again before you know it. Just give me a few more seconds and everything will be all good."

"Kuzco, darling," Yzma purred, slithering closer.

"Aahh! No touchie!" cried Kuzco, cringing.

"But I can't help it," she said. She stroked his arm with the talons that she called nails.

Kuzco looked nervously around. "Uh, guards?"

"Sorry, but they can't do anything," said the royal record keeper, regretful. "We're Yzma's to command now."

"Okay, think Kuzco! Think!" he said to himself, as he dodged Yzma's caresses.

"Come on, Kuzco, you can do it!" shouted an encouraging voice.

He looked down and saw Malina, who had long stopped chasing after Kronk and was now anxiously watching him. Kronk, completely unaware of this, was still running around the room screaming.

Okay, you can do this, he said to himself. "Yzma?" he said casually.

"Yes, darling?" she trilled, batting her eyelashes.

"Could you do me a really huge favor?"

She batted her eyelashes at him again. "Anything for my little Kuzco-Wuzco."

"Good – make me emperor."

"Will you give me a kiss for it?"

"What?!" exclaimed Kuzco, repulsed. "Of course not! Are you crazy?"

"No kiss, no empire," said Yzma sweetly.

"Fine by me," said Kuzco.

"Kuzco!" shouted Malina, alarmed. She pointed to her watch. "You're running out of time! The potion's going to wear off at any moment!"

He turned to Malina. "I'm willing to do almost anything to become emperor again, but there are limits, and that's most definitely one of them!"

"Just do it, Kuzco!"

Kuzco sighed. Of course Yzma had to be difficult, even when she was desperately in love with him. He turned to her. "Fine! You can have your stupid kiss if you make me emperor again."

"Done!" cried Yzma. "And now for my kiss!" She lunged at him.

"GUARDS!" shouted Kuzco. But they were too far away; they'd never reach him in time.

He started to panic. My first kiss from a woman, and it's going to be from YZMA, of all people!

This thought, as well as grossing him out, filled him with determination. "My first kiss is NOT going to be from Yzma!" he said resolutely, and fought her off as hard as he could.

But the old witch was a crafty fighter, and she soon had him in an iron grip. He couldn't even turn his head.

"NOOOOOOO!" he cried as the scary, wrinkled face moved closer and closer to his. He squeezed his eyes shut and waited.

Not a moment to soon, the soldiers arrived, and Yzma was whisked away. Kuzco dared to open his eyes.

The guards were taking Yzma away, and she was fighting tooth and nail to get free. Just then, the potion wore off, and Yzma, furious at being tricked, tried even harder to get free – this time to kill instead of kiss him. But she was no match for the soldiers.

Kuzco relaxed. "Not much fun being held against your will, is it, Yzma!" he taunted.

"I'll get you for this outrage, if it's the last thing I do!" she declared as they dragged her off.

Once they were gone, Kuzco looked around the chamber. It was a wreck. Kronk was nowhere to be found – he obviously was able to find an exit.

With a nimble leap, Malina joined him on the dais.

"Wow, you have a nice view from up here," she said, peering around the chamber.

"Eh," shrugged Kuzco, depressed. "It gets old fast."

Malina looked at him curiously. Why wasn't he his old, arrogant self now that he had his empire back?

She decided to provoke him by doing something outrageous, something she knew Kuzco would be furious about.

Malina calmly walked over to the golden throne and plunked herself down in it. "Ooooh, very nice!" she said. She picked up Kuzco's crown, which was laying on one of the arms, and put it on her head. "So THIS is how it feels to be emperor."

The old Kuzco would have stormed over, plucked the crown off her head, and told her in no uncertain terms that she had crossed a line, that no one, NO ONE but him was allowed to sit in the emperor's throne and wear the emperor's crown.

Instead, Kuzco just looked sadly at her. "It suits you," he said.

Malina realized what a stupid thing she had just done. She had forgotten how hard Kuzco had tried to make her his empress. And now she was sitting on his throne, wearing his crown, making a big joke of it. Embarrassed, she took off the crown and got up.

"Well, everything's back to normal, at least," she said brightly, trying to get him to cheer up.

"Yeah, I guess so," said Kuzco unenthusiastically. "I'm emperor, Yzma is scary beyond all reason, Kronk is a meathead, and you're…going to Kuzford U." There was a wistful look in his eyes.

Malina sighed. She hated seeing him like this. And it was all her fault. If she had just told him the truth when he had asked…well, maybe she should tell him now. "That's true, I am going to Kuzford U., but…" she began.

Kuzco instantly perked up and shot over to her. "You said but. But what?"

Malina, hoping she wouldn't regret it later, took a deep breath and said, "But AFTER I get my degree, I'd be free to do other things."

"Like be my empress?" said Kuzco eagerly.

She smiled coyly. "Maybe."

"Wait a minute, what about all that 'lesser of the two evils' stuff you said earlier?" said Kuzco suspiciously.

"It was all a big fat lie," said Malina, shrugging sheepishly.

"Ha! I knew it!" said Kuzco, pumping his fist in the air triumphantly. "Well, actually, I really didn't," he said honestly. "You really had me going there for awhile."

"I know," she grinned.

"But YOU like me, you really like me!" said Kuzco, pointing a finger at her. "Malina liiikes me, Malina liiikes me, and not just as a friend," he sang. "Uh huh, uh huh, uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh."

"Are you gonna get all sappy about it?" asked Malina, putting her hands on her hips.

"Sappy? Me? Of course not!" Kuzco immediately became business-like. "So once you get your Bachelor's degree, and you become my empress – "

"Wait a minute," she interrupted him. "Who said I was going to stop at my Bachelor's? I was thinking of getting a PhD."

"A PhD?!" cried Kuzco. "That's six years!"

"Eight, actually," she corrected him. "At least."

"Eight years?! I can't wait eight years for you. I'll go crazy! Can't you just get a Bachelor's? Or even better, how about your Associate's degree? In and out in two years, then boom-bam, baby, you're my empress!"

"How about my Master's degree," she compromised. "That's only six years."

"Still too long," said Kuzco, shaking his head. "Bachelor's. That's as high as I'll go."

"Master's," she said stubbornly.

"Bachelor's," he said, just as stubbornly.

"Master's," she said. "And that's my final offer! Take it or leave it."

He looked pleadingly at her. "Bachelor's. Please, Malina?"

Malina laughed. Kuzco was begging her! There was nothing at all arrogant about his behavior now.

"All right, I'll stop at my Bachelor's," she agreed.

"I knew that'd work." Kuzco grinned. "Maybe I should've begged you down to an Associate's degree…"

"Oh, no you don't!" said Malina firmly. She offered her hand. "Come on, let's shake on it."

Kuzco gave her a look.

"What?" she asked.

"I'm going to be your future husband, and you're offering me just a handshake?" he said. "Come on, Malina! How about a little kissy-poo? Just one."

"Oh, all right," she said, pretending to be annoyed. She leaned in, planning to give him a quick peck on the cheek, but Kuzco seized his chance and kissed her full on the lips.

"There, that's MUCH better, isn't it?" grinned Kuzco. "None of that wimpy, nambly-pambly, limp-wristed handshake stuff."

It was, but Malina wouldn't have told him for the world. There was no need to swell his head even further. But Kuzco saw the truth in her eyes and, smirking triumphantly, he leaned in and kissed her again.

"Am I a better kisser than Yzma?" asked Malina mischievously.

"Okay, just stop it right there," said Kuzco. "You just ruined the whole mood. I can't kiss you now – not for at least five minutes, when I'll have forgotten you said such a vile, disgusting thing."

Malina giggled. "Well, I have to go now, anyway. It's almost dinnertime, and I've got a lot to do to get ready for Kuzford U. Speaking of which – what will you do during the four long years I'll be gone?"

"Oh, don't you worry your pretty little head about that, Malina, I've got pulllll-enty to do," said Kuzco. He sat on this throne and put his crown on. "In fact, I've got a lot of exhausting work ahead of me, cleaning up the mess that Yzma made, for starters, and getting up to speed on what's been happening in the empire during my four years at Kuzco Academy."

Kuzco gestured imperiously. Several servants started cleaning up the mess. One servant started fanning Kuzco, and another brought him a drink of water with a tiny wedge of lemon.

"See?" said Kuzco, wiping his brow. "Exhausting." He looked in his glass. "What – no ice?"

A servant immediately brought over some ice and placed it in Kuzco's glass.

"How about some water for the lady, too?" said Kuzco.

"No, that's okay," said Malina quickly. "I've got to get going."

"Okay, but don't stay away too long," said Kuzco plaintively.

"Don't worry, I won't," said Malina, feeling a warm glow.

"Good," said Kuzco, relieved. "Because I need to have you measured for your throne, crown and empress robes."

Her glow faded. Sentimental, he wasn't. But that was Kuzco for you.

Malina laughed. "Don't ever change, Kuzco," she said as she left the chamber.

"I'm all over it," Kuzco promised. He grinned. "Catch you on the flip side – Empress Malina."