Author's notes: My first Naruto fic. Written mostly as stress relief, so please bear with the out-of-character-ness. And please enjoy!

Sand In Your Shorts

.x.x.x

"You want me to what?"

To an uninvolved bystander, Gaara's tone was neutral bordering on disinterested. Only someone who knew redheaded psycho- his brother and sister, for example- could hear it for the shocked disbelief that it truly was.

"Surely you've thought about it," Temari said. "Everyone else your age is finding someone to be with- going out and dating, that sort of thing. Forming romantic relationships."

Gaara scowled at her briefly, before returning to the newspaper article he was reading. "I find it hard to believe you haven't noticed this yet, but I do not qualify as 'everyone else.'"

"She's got a point, Gaara," Kankuro said. "You honestly don't want someone to be with?"

"No," said Gaara.

"Somebody to listen to you, someone that understands you?" Temari prodded.

"No."

"Someone that really cares about you, wants to be with you?" Temari continued.

"No."

"Someone to have wildly inappropriate sex with on a daily basis, in your office, during training, sometimes on the breakfast table?" Kankuro put in.

"…hm…"

Temari shot Kankuro a dark look. "That's not the point of doing this."

"It's an undeniable perk," said Kankuro.

Unable to concentrate on the article he was reading, Gaara folded the newspaper and looked up at the two again. "So what is this point of doing this, then?"

"Because we think it will make you happy!" Temari said, pulling out a chair at the table and flopping down into it with a huff. "You remember what it's like to be happy, don't you Gaara?"

Gaara gave her one of his infamous blank stares. "No."

"Exactly," she proclaimed. "Come on, Gaara, you'd like to be happy at some point in your lifetime, wouldn't you?"

"Having never to my knowledge ever been happy before, how should I know if I would like it?" Gaara pointed out.

"Everybody likes being happy," said Kankuro. "It's like, part of the whole package of the emotion."

Gaara looked from Kankuro to Temari, deliberating over what they'd said. "And you think if I get a… a girlfriend, this will make me happy?"

"Well, it sure beats killing people," Kankuro said.

"That remains to be seen," said Gaara, while Temari mouthed a Don't encourage him! at Kankuro.

"Come on, Gaara," Kankuro said. "We know that you could crush us and all without much thought, but can't you just once let us pull older sibling rank on you and order you to do this for your own good?"

Gaara looked at him sharply. Temari seemed to be considering hitting Kankuro, but Gaara's voice made her pause.

"I have a question," Gaara said slowly. "If this 'dating' thing is supposedly so good for people, why haven't you two done it? Haven't found someone of your own to be with?"

Temari and Kankuro just looked at him.

"Because you're too busy taking care of me…" Gaara answered his own question. "Because you're my keepers, whether you admit it or not. Protecting me, or protecting everyone else from me. And you're tired of it, so, what? You want to pass me off onto somebody else? Find me a new keeper?"

"That's not it at all!" Temari said. "Gaara, you've done so well lately. You're more stable than you've ever been. I doubt you'll ever be, well… normal, but… well, in the profession we're in, who's really normal anyway? We were just hoping that… well, maybe if you found love… We really do only want you to be happy, Gaara. We thought it might actually make you feel human."

Gaara looked undecided. And maybe angry. It was hard to tell with him, sometimes. Temari and Kankuro prepared themselves to run, just in case, both of them eyeing Gaara's ever-present gourd for signs of immanent danger. What they weren't prepared for was Gaara's shrug and calmly stated, "Okay."

"Okay?" Temari repeated. "You'll do it?"

"I'm not promising anything," Gaara clarified. "But I will… try."

"Great!" Temari said. "We can leave right now."

"Leave?" Gaara blinked. "Where are we going?"

"To Konoha, of course," Kankuro said. "Temari and I checked out the prospects around here, and none of them are even close to being good enough for you. Besides, you wouldn't really want to hook up with anybody around here, would you?"

Gaara silently skimmed through the list of all the locals he knew. People that respected his power, tried desperately to stay on his good side, and feared for their lives whenever he was near. "You're right. Konoha would be a better place to start."

.x.x.x.

"This is a stupid place to start," Gaara commented as Kankuro handed him his drink. He sipped idly at the straw- some weird iced coffee blend that Temari and Kankuro liked- and looked over the park again.

Konoha was a pretty place, even though Gaara rarely sat back to appreciate aesthetics. The park was open and clean, surrounded by trees, bustling with people on their breaks or just out for a nice afternoon stroll. Gaara, Temari and Kankuro had been here for hours, and Gaara was unspeakably bored. He wanted to go home, where sunlight meant blistering heat. Where he could lock himself in his room or his office and work, and just be…

…alone. Always alone. Temari and Kankuro did their best, but Gaara knew better than to let even them get too close. He didn't know why he even agreed to this stupid plan. Sheer curiosity, probably.

"Well what about her?" Kankuro said, pointing out one of the prospects in the park. "Pink haired girl over there. Don't we know her?"

"Sakura," Temari said. "And no. She's co-president of the Committee For Getting Into Uchiha Sasuke's Pants."

"Oh, right. Well, how about the blonde girl with the ponytail that she's arguing with?"

"Ino, I think her name was." Temari said. "Also has a thing for Sasuke."

"Every girl in this village has a thing for that guy," Kankuro grumbled. "If they like them powerful and broody, they should go for Gaara too."

"You don't know anything about girls," Temari said. "Hmm, let's see… well what about her? The short-ish girl… dark blue hair, really pale eyes? What was her name? Hyuuga something…"

"No way," Kankuro said. "Too shy. One look at Gaara's I'm-Going-To-Kill-You Glare and she'd probably just piss herself."

"I do not have an I'm-Going-To-Kill-You Glare," Gaara said.

"Do too," Kankuro said. "You give Temari and I that glare about fifteen times a day. We're already up to nine." He took a sip of his drink, then pointed. "But how about the girl she's walking with? The brunette. Pretty enough, don't you think?"

Temari gave him an odd look. "Kankuro, that's a boy."

Gaara looked over at the boy in question. Pretty, as Kankuro had said. One of those geniuses Konoha was famous for. Hyuuga Neji, that was it. One of the rookies from the Chuunin Exams. Gaara didn't really remember much more about him than that, but apparently right now they were simply judging candidates by physical appeal. And physically, Neji was somewhat appealing. His long hair looked soft, and his eyes- while peculiarly pale- had a strange captivating intensity to them. Of everyone they'd looked at all day, he was the first option with any possibility.

"Why not him?" Gaara asked.

His siblings blinked at him. "Maybe you didn't hear me," Temari said slowly. "That's a boy."

"I'm aware of that," Gaara said. "Why are we focused on girls, anyway? Girls are so weird."

"On behalf of my gender, girls are not weird," Temari stated with dignity. "But hell, if the Kazekage wants a boy, then who are we to say he can't?"

"So, we've chosen a target," Gaara said. "Now what?"

"Now," Temari proclaimed, "comes the fun part."