Fear is how I Fall

Chapter one-The Diary

Hermione lay her head in her hands. How did it ever come to this? Why did it have to end this way... couldn't she just rewrite everything... Go back, change things- go back to the simple way things used to be… but she was involved. She couldn't forget...

It had all started a few weeks ago... it's amazing how something so powerful could come about in just a few short weeks...

In the beginning

Everyone had expected Hermione to be perfect all the time- like some sort of dog show winner that the teachers could show off as they pleased. No one knew the pressure they put on her. Getting 9 out of 10 was a failure... and when she got an 8...

Once, after charms was over, Hermione looked at the score on her latest test. Everyone else had looked at their exams right at the moment they got it, but Hermione didn't want to share hers, not this time. Slowly she had been putting off her assignments, and she had gotten behind in almost every class. She unfolded the paper, and she sucked in a sharp breath of air while her heart plummeted into the bottom of her stomach. 65. That was the lowest score she had ever had on... anything.

Harry and Ron were absentmindedly talking about quidditch when Ron turned to see her face. The pain in her eyes was obvious, and they were filling fast with tears. "Hermione? Are you- alright?"

Hermione tried hurriedly to choke down her tears, and tried to put on the happy face she wore so no one would suspect anything.

"Uh- um, yeah... I'm fine," she said before dashing down the hallway to the girls' dormitories.

"What's wrong with her?" asked Harry.

"I don't know," he replied nonchalantly. "She probably only got a 98 this time..." he said, rolling his eyes carelessly.

Hermione ran up to the dormitory and flung herself upon her bed, thankful that everyone else had already gone to lunch. She buried her face in her pillow and screamed as loud as she could. The pain was too much for her to bear... It wasn't anyone's fault, she reminded herself. No one could have noticed. They wouldn't know how my life is... I can't blame anyone except myself.

She crawled off the bed and flipped open her trunk. She pulled out a small, leather-bound book. Her journal- one that she made sure didn't write back.

Dear Diary-

It's happening. I knew it would- and sooner or later I'll be getting an owl from Mum and Dad. They'll want the test... and if I send it they'll make me come home for the Easter holidays. I know they will. Every time I ever wanted to talk about my family with Harry, or even Ron- they looked down their noses at me, like nothing could even compare with what Harry went through. But sometimes... I can't help but think... that having no parents would be easier than this... I mean, Harry's parents weren't there to love him, but mine chose to not love me. I know I probably sound like an insignificant teenager rambling on about how horrible my life is. But how can I pretend anymore? I've been the perfect student for six years, and when my mother saw me at Christmas... her words stung me worse than ever. I've never wanted to be the ideal student. Nor have I ever cared about looks. But ever since Christmas her words have repeated in my mind everytime I think about myself. 'Why can't you do better?' 'You're gaining weight, Hermione.' 'I hate your attitude.' 'I hate you.' 'I regret having you.' 'And you never even try to make me happy.' But I do try. I've tried and worked so hard- not for me, for them, for her- just so they wouldn't lock me in my room... I would much rather be in Harry's position. Maybe it is hard to know that there were people who cared, and there wasn't any way you could ever seen them. Maybe it's harder knowing that the people who were supposed to love you never cared in the first place. I don't know... Maybe I'm just an idiot like they say...

Hermione

The bell rang and Hermione piled all of her books into her bag and ran off to potions. There goes my lunch hour, she thought. I'll be better off without it anyway... Then maybe Mum won't call me fat...

When she got to the classroom she realized she was late. There was only one seat left, and surprisingly, Malfoy was sitting alone- not with the Slytherin slut of the week. Snape made a sharp movement for her to sit down next to Malfoy. She sighed and sat down amidst all the snickers coming from the Slytherins. Malfoy rolled his eyes and scooted his chair away, and Hermione was only willing to do the same.

Potions passed by with no explosions for once (Neville was in the hospital wing), and as the bell rang for them to leave, Hermione grabbed her bag and it split. An estrangled cry fell from her lips. So many things had happened to her today, and now her bag had to fall apart in front of Malfoy… She choked back tears as she hurried to pick up her things. Malfoy discreetly leaned over to pick something up off the floor.

"What's this, Granger?" He said with a sneer. Hermione looked up and her eyes widened.

"Don't... give it back... please, Malfoy," she pleaded.

He casually flipped through her treasured book. "A diary, eh? Might be something for me to hold on to…" he tossed the worn book into his bag and shot her a sinister smile before strutting out of the room.

Hermione's chest tightened. All of the things that had happened to her lately were in that diary. All of her darkest fears, her deepest emotions... they were all in there. Malfoy would be able to play her any way he wanted. She fell onto the floor from her chair and banged her head against the side of the desk. Life was getting so damn hard. She balled her small hand into a tight fist as a single tear slowly escaped out of her sharp brown eyes.

Snape suddenly strode into the room. "Miss Granger! What are you still doing here? 10 points from Gryffindor and if you aren't out of here in 30 seconds I shall see the headmaster about your excessive insolence!"

Hermione hastily gathered her things and dashed out of the room and headed onto Herbology. She was going to be late again. She was almost all of the way out of the school when she stopped and turned back, running to the common room. She had so much frustration pent up inside her. If it didn't find it's way out she would burst out crying or something in the middle of dissecting a Revarthacuto Plant. That had already happened in the middle of transfigurations once. People probably thought that she had been so upset because her pillow didn't turn into a proper cat.

Geez, was she THAT concerned with the stupid cat? No.

Hermione ran into the common room and dashed up the stairs two at a time to the girls' dormitory. She crept open the door and was surprised to see someone else sitting in the middle of the floor, crying. Hermione walked forward to see that the girl was Parvati Patil. "Parvati? What-?"

Parvati turned sharply and gasped as she saw Hermione standing in the doorway. "Don't you come any closer!" she said, her voice sharp, yet quavering. Hermione saw that she was shaking all over.

"What's wrong, Parvati? You can tell me."

"No- just- leave me alone!"

Hermione caught a glimpse of what was in Parvati's hand. A razor. "What are you doing?" she asked, motioning at the razor.

Parvati glanced down, and her eyes glossed over. "I might as well tell you. It's not like you'd tell anyone. At least- not until they find me."

"Were you going to..."

"Kill myself?" Parvati chuckled. "Right again, as always..."

"Why?"

"I'm tired. I can't live anymore like this."

"What happened to you?"

"Well, for one thing, no one's ever known me... do you think anyone really cares about what Parvati Patil does? I'm a constant shadow in everyone else's life. Second, my boyfriend broke up with me."

"Those don't seem like valid reasons to kill yourself." Hermione slowly moved closer to her, and put a hand on her shoulder.

"You don't know the rest... My boyfriend- he went to Beauxbatons- broke up with me this morning. The last owl I sent told him that- that I- was... pregnant." She collapsed into Hermione's arms. "And there isn't anything I can do about it... there isn't a possible way to have a completely safe abortion. And I- I- I thought- I thought he-" Her voice cracked, and she began to shake with her sobs. Hermione nervously patted her head and eased the razor out of her hand.
"It hurts when they say they love you."

"I know."

"I wish we could have been better friends. You know, you're lucky. You've got the perfect life: perfect grades, great friends..." she sighed and stood up, then walked sulkily out the door.

Hermione stared blankly at her reflection in the mirror.

"God... she has no clue," Hermione said out loud. It was so easy for her to pretend like nothing was wrong, after all- she had done it for years in front of these people. They never suspected a thing... She scoffed. I'd be a damn good actress, she thought.

She stared intently at the razor she had taken from Parvati.

She put the razor up to the light and inspected it. It had been done before. It would only take a small cut... She wiped the razor off on her sleeve and turned it so the light bounced off.

Hermione gently held the razor up to the flaw free skin on her lower arm and pressed gently. She drew in a sharp breath of air as she saw the droplet of blood form on her skin and slide down to her wrist. All the tension she had been feeling released and she felt instantly calm. She took in a deep breath of air then tensed up. Her heart now pounded in her chest. What if someone saw? They would think I'm... shallow, for what they see... for what they know... She grabbed a piece of toilet paper from the washroom and wrapped it around the wound.

She looked at the blood seeping through the paper, and an amazing thought struck her…

I am in control. I did this.

But… people would see it. Eventually. They would think she was doing it for attention. They would think that since she was Harry's friend, she would be jealous for the extra attention.

People are stupid. They see what they can't figure out, and they assume.

She squeezed her eyes shut, and anger surged through her.

No one knows me.

No one.

Thank you for reading! This is all typed up on my computer, and again- this was written a long time ago, before the past few books... So. I'm rewriting all of it, and it shouldn't take long!

Reviews are very much appreciated!

Stevie