No doubt my friends will say that I'm angsting again. Oh well, I merely write down what is in my head.
What he wanted to hear
"Do you ever have any regrets?" The question came to him abruptly, from some thought hidden deep in the recesses of his mind and Sirius looked towards him, silver eyes questioning. "I – I mean… do you ever have any regrets about… this?" Remus looked down so as to avoid the piercing gaze and vaguely gestured between them in what was more an insinuation than any actual clue to his meaning. "About our relationship?"
"No."
"Oh." Remus sighed, relieved. Sirius' answer had been calm and assured and he had sensed no lingering doubt in the other man's soft tones.
"Why? Do you think that there's something I should regret?" Looking up, Remus was confronted with the intense questioning in Sirius' eyes and he averted his eyes once more, ashamed of the doubt he felt in himself and not wanting the other man to see it. With his eyes staring blankly into the fire, Remus heard the subtle rustle of carpet beneath Sirius' knees as he shifted position, moving slowly towards him where he perched on the edge of the couch. Even so, he jumped with something akin to surprise when he felt the touch of Sirius' calloused fingertips on his chin as his face was turned around to meet the silver eyes. "Is there anything that you regret, Remus?"
He looked down. There were things that he regretted, awkward silences that could have been filled with love, times where the secrets he kept had made him stay silent when he wished to scream and shout. But those regrets were not for today. Those were the regrets of tomorrow.
"I…" he paused, unsure where to go from there, how much of himself to reveal. Even in front of Sirius, he was unable to completely let go of the tight restraint he had held over himself for as long as he could remember. "I regret that this has to be kept a secret, that we can only trust four of our friends with the knowledge of how close we really are. Four, Sirius! Out of how many?" The words ran freely now, rolling from his tongue as if they had sat there patiently for days, simply waiting for him to open his mouth and let them loose from the constraints of his mind.
"I regret that our relationship exists behind closed doors, in the dark. I hate that I have to watch others with you and pretend that I don't care. Sometimes I just want to jump up and shout out that you're mine, that no one else can have you!" Remus took a deep, calming breath and looked back up at the man that he had known intimately for well over a year, meeting Sirius' astonished gaze for the first time since he had started speaking, and he could not help but smile slightly at the irony of it all. "Don't you ever regret any of that?"
"No." Once again the answer was certain in its truthfulness. "I prefer our relationship just as it is." When Remus looked up at him sceptically, he held up a hand to silence him. "Those other people are just that. Others. Compared to you, they mean nothing to me. Merely an act that I put on to entertain the masses." Sirius leant forwards and kissed Remus softly on the lips, lingering for a moment as if reluctant to part from his warmth. "Now," he continued softly after they had parted. "Does that answer you question? I have absolutely no regrets about our relationship. None at all." Sirius held Remus' uncertain gaze for a few moments before laughing and kissing him again. "I love you, you daft sod. Is that what you wanted to hear?"
Remus smiled and launched himself onto Sirius, hugging him fiercely. "Yes. That's just what I wanted to hear."
"Do you ever have any regrets?" The question came to him abruptly, from some thought hidden deep in the recesses of his mind and Sirius looked towards him, silver eyes questioning. "I – I mean… do you ever have any regrets about… this?" Remus looked down so as to avoid the piercing gaze and vaguely gestured between them in what was more an insinuation than any actual clue to his meaning. "About our relationship?"
"Yes."