Alright, here's my on-crack AU fic. All the characters are at college together. And yes, yes, I know that Mulder went to Oxford and this college is not Oxford– that's why it's AU. Also, sadly, I own nothing. In the entire world. Including David Duchovny. I cry myself to sleep at night.

Anyway, this first chapter is just introducing everyone and getting relationships set up. No actual plot yet, I don't think.

Fox Mulder sunk down in his seat in the back of the classroom. This is going to be a long four years, he thought, taking in the scene before him. It was his first day of college– Yale– and he was already feeling alone. And bored. The classes that his parents were forcing him to take this year were not making him excited. For instance, this class he was in now– Anatomy– was one that he could see himself sleeping through. Every single day.

His interest perked up a bit as a trio of boys came into the room, bickering, and sat down next to him. One was very tall with long blonde hair and glasses. The second was dressed in a suit and tie, looking uncomfortable but fierce as he argued with the third boy, an intensely short individual wearing glasses.

"No, Frohike, I just don't think that that is a logical explanation for the admissions policy of colleges in America! It isn't plausible at all!"

"I'm telling you, Byers, the government makes sure that alien abductees go to the best colleges– they want to keep track of them, they want to make sure that they choose jobs that the government can easily track. High profile jobs!" the short boy responded, leaning forward over his desk.

"He has a point, Byers," the blonde boy added, nodding sagely.

"Oh, come on, Langly!" Byers exclaimed. "Don't tell me that you're agreeing with this idiot as well!"

At the mention of alien abductions, Mulder had leaned forward, eager to pick up on the conversation. Now he decided to add in his thoughts. "Excuse me," he said. "Did I hear you say 'alien abductees'?"

The three turned towards him, each face holding an expression of fierce defensiveness. "What if I did?" said Frohike.

"Er...nothing. I'm just...intrigued. You...um...you believe in that kind of stuff, do you?" Mulder asked.

Byers looked as though he was about to deny it, then changed his mind and nodded tentatively. Langly looked more sure of himself when he said, "Yeah," and Frohike looked positively violent when he said, "Of course! How else would you explain the election of some of these politicians? Alien involvement!"

Mulder bit back a laugh and held out a hand instead. "I'm Fox Mulder."

The three other men gave him incredulous looks. "Fox?" asked Langly. "Are you serious?"

Mulder shrugged. "It doesn't really bother me. Everyone calls me Mulder anyway."

"Well," said Byers, "I'm John Byers. This is Langly, and the short twit is Frohike. We run an online newspaper– we're the Lone Gunmen."

Frohike looked as though he were about to comment, but then his eyes slid to the door. "Hello," he said. "Hottie alert!"

Mulder automatically turned to look where Frohike was pointing. Two women had just entered together. The redhead was laughing at something that the brunette had just said, and Mulder felt his heart do something funny in his chest. She was, without a doubt, the most attractive woman he'd ever seen. He wished that he was a bit more outgoing– there was in the world he wanted more at that moment than to have the courage to go over and introduce himself.

So when another guy, a tall blue-eyed man walked over to the two and introduced himself, Mulder felt like growling. He watched as the man stuck out his hand to shake with first the red-head, then the brunette. He gestured to the desks, and the three climbed the stairs, growing closer and closer to where Mulder was sitting with the three Gunmen.

Mulder almost jumped for joy when the redhead sat down in the seat in front of him. The brunette took the desk next to her, and the guy took the chair behind her, next to Mulder.

The redhead turned and looked at Mulder– who promptly found himself drowning in largest, bluest eyes that he had ever seen. He felt himself robbed of speech– his throat was dry and his palms were damp. He hadn't felt like this since tenth grade.

"Hello," she said. "I'm Dana Scully."

Mulder cleared his throat. "Fox Mulder." He stuck out his hand, which Dana Scully shook. When she let go, she gestured to her left.

"This is my friend Monica Reyes," she said. "We were in high school together. And this is..." she trailed off, looking at the man sitting behind Reyes. "I'm sorry, what was your name again?"

Inside, Mulder rejoiced. She can't remember his name! She doesn't care enough!

The man gave a smile and was about to supply the elusive name when Dana's friend cut in. "It's John Dougett!" she exclaimed. "God, Dana! You just met the man a minute ago!"

"It's alright," said the man in a thick New York accent. "I don't think I'll be able to remember any one else's name today either."

"Well, hello there," came a voice from over Mulder's shoulder. Mulder felt his heart sink as he saw Frohike sliding over to Dana. "Mulder, you've been in this room for ten minutes, and you've already met the hottest chick in all of Yale. How do you do? I'm Frohike."

Dana raised her eyebrow and Mulder smiled. "Er...Dana Scully."

Frohike looked as though he were about to say something entirely inappropriate, so Mulder was relieved beyond the infinite of thought when the professor walked into the room. The class quieted down and Frohike slunk back to his seat.

"Good day, class," the professor said, extinguishing a cigarette in the ash tray resting on his desk. "I'm Professor Carlson. Please take out a notepad and a pen. Welcome to Yale."

Yes. So, there's the first chapter, hope you enjoyed it, please review, etc, etc. Also, pray for plot, please, 'cuz I'm not sure what the hell kind of plot my twisted mind can come up with. Who knows...