The UsThem Complex Chapter 1: Impermeable, a naruto fanfic

The Us-Them Complex, Chapter One

Pairings: NarutoSai

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Notes:

I think Naruto is straight.

I'm just putting that out there.

But, you know, shit happens during life.

It's impossible to say what your sexuality was until you're on your death bed, when you can think about what you've done, who you've done it with, and what you were glad to did.

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I hate my boss.

He's a complete and total jackass, and he holds all of my screw-ups over my head.

I'm watching the bastard right now. We got stopped on the way home by some of his female fans, and they look like they're in middle school. He's a professional, though, so when the girls flagged him down he showed them a great deal of courtesy.

They're standing outside a café right now, and I'm watching the bastard pull off his polite-smiling act as he signs autographs for the girls. He even hugs each one before going, and one of them kisses him on the cheek and her friends giggle. They take a few pictures of him and he waves goodbye to them.

He walks over to me and I glare at him from my spot on the bench outside the café. "Hello, Naruto," he says.

I stand up and brush off the back of my pants. "Finished?" I ask him.

He smiles at me, an award-winning smile, one that gets him a lots of jobs and probably a lot of love—and I would NEVER want to hear about it—and he says, "Sure, let's go home."

I grudgingly pick up the bag of stuff he bought on this errands run and I follow him back to his apartment.

My name is Uzumaki Naruto, and I am the personal assistant of one of the most popular actors in the country.

I don't know his real name, but I know he goes by Sai.

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I guess things wouldn't have been so damn bad if Sai didn't constantly remind me that he was better than me in every way possible.

Take his looks, for instance. Being the idol that he was, he was incredibly attractive, with a feminine face, silkly black hair, and pretty black eyes. He dressed well, too, and he'd always been interested in what the latest designers were turning out.

Sai's apartment was a four-bedroom, though he slept in the master bedroom and the other three bedrooms were jokes compared to it. The damn thing was just gorgeous, and it was something that I could never have afforded. Hell, I could have worked my whole life and only rented the place out for five-to-sixth months, and he didn't even really care about it. I often found myself cleaning his place up, just because I couldn't stand to see how he wastes it.

At time I thought, 'Maybe he's tricking me'.

Sai was a smug bastard, that's for sure. I'd have kicked his ass if he didn't pay me so much to follow him around all day.

He unlocked the door to his apartment, and I found myself wondering if I'd be going back to my place later that night or if he'd keep me there so late that I'd have to sleep over. That shit started a long time ago, and at that time I occupied one of his previously unused bedrooms. He'd even bought me a lot of clothing, because he couldn't stand for his assistant to dress like a normal person. I found myself wearing black at least six out of every seven days of the week.

I set his bag down on the couch and I left it for him to deal with. He'd already gone to his bedroom, though, probably to change into the fourth outfit for the day, and I knew that it was black because that's all he wore.

I asked him if he was a closet gothic once. He told me that black made him look slimmer.

Yeah, like he needed it.

He joined me again and, lo and behold, he was wearing something new. It was a skintight shirt and pants that time.

Why didn't he save it for the cameras? Or do some people really like to dress like that in their own homes? No one was there to see it, and I certainly didn't appreciate it.

Granted, if Sai was a chick something like that would've TOTALY had me checking her out.

I turned on the TV and there was something about his new movie on the news. I changed the channel because I didn't want him to hear anyone else tell him how great he was. His ego was big enough and I sure as hell wasn't about to feed it.

He wandered into the kitchen and I heard him open the fridge. "Give me a beer, will you?" I shouted at him.

I really, really hated him.

I hated him some more when he handed me an apple martini.

The bastard just smiled at me. "Try it."

I glared at him, but I didn't want to push. I knew there was beer in the fridge, but I also knew that Sai loved to screw with me. I knew that there was a possibility that it wasn't even an apple martini. Hell, I wouldn't have put it past him to drug me, take my clothes off, and hang me upside-down from his balcony naked.

I drank it, though, and I made a face, exaggerating when I said, "It's sour!"

He smiled back at me. "Well, I'll make you a different one next time."

I set it down, afraid of being seen with it, and I watched him drink milk…no, it's a White Russian. He loved girly drinks, and it's because of him that I'd been exposed to that crap.

Sai took the remote from me, and his fingers brushed mine. I was once again disturbed by how soft his skin was, softer than anyone's should have been, and I shuddered when he changed the channel.

That's what pissed me off the most about him. He didn't even have to try to screw with me; it was just a gift of his.

There was a fashion show on TV, and I heard a familiar name. Sai set down the remote and curled into a ball on the couch as he took another sip of his White Russian.

"I really love his dresses," Sai said. "Too bad he doesn't make men's clothes."

I heard the familiar name again and I sat upright. "Holy shit…"

Sai turned his attention to me. "You know the Nara line? I didn't think you liked clothes, Naruto."

I glared at him. "I know that guy…Nara, Nara Shikamaru." They hadn't shown a picture of the guy yet but I didn't think it was a common name. Besides, I'd heard from Chouji that Shikamaru went to art school after the first year of college, and that he started to work for a fashion design firm. The dresses the models on TV were wearing looked like any other dress I'd seen, and I didn't really care for fashion, but…

"I went to high school with Shikamaru," I told him. He looked surprised, and then smiled at me. "So, can you get in touch with him for me?"

"Well, we're not really friends anymore…"

Sai turned back to the TV. "Why not?" He smiled, and it was the smile of his that I liked the least. It was his creepy, I'm-about-to-make-you-very-uncomfortable smile. "Did you fall for the same girl in school?"

I scoffed and turned back to the TV. More dresses. Why were there so many dresses? "Hardly. The girl I liked liked another guy, but we didn't fight over her. And Shikamaru liked a girl from another school."

I saw him out of the corner of my eye, and he was facing me again, interested. "Have you seen any of them recently?"

I shook my head. "No, but…" I suddenly remembered something I'd needed to ask him about. "My high school reunion is in two weeks, so I wanted to have off so I could catch up with everyone."

"No." he said firmly. His response took a few seconds to register, and when it did I stood up and faced him. His black eyes followed me and a little smile lit up his face.

"Why not?" I asked.

"I need you here," he said.

I glared at him. "Look, you shithead, you don't have anything planned for the next month, so all you're going to do until the Deathnote movie audition is run me around and make me buy shit for you, and watch TV, and--"

"And work out," he said. "I'm getting a pudge."

I stared at him in frustration, and then I threw my hands up in the air. "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"No."

There were many times when Sai almost drove me to violence. He didn't understand why certain things were important to me, like seeing old friends, or not going to some of his parties, or that I needed a hell of a lot more sleep than he did. I glared at him and his smile widened, and he was happy because I'd gotten pissed off and I wanted to kill him for it.

No matter what, though, my paycheck came from him, so I couldn't kill him, even if I found a good way to hide the body. Not to mention the fact that everyone in Japan would have known if the bastard went missing.

I sat down on the couch and forced myself to calm down. "Why not?" I growled at him. I didn't know how to get it through to him that this reunion was important to me.

He watched the models walk down the catwalk again, and said, "You can only go if I can come with you."

I let that sink in. It wouldn't be so bad…and DAMN IT, I was going to see Sakura and Sasuke again! Hell, if I didn't see them then, I knew that I might have never have been given the chance again.

"Fine," I said, trying my hardest to show him that I HATED his guts as I turned back to the TV. "But don't embarrass me or anything."

"Embarrass you?"

"Yeah," I said, turning to him. I didn't even know if he was listening, and I could see his eyes flick back and forth between the different models on the screen. "If you embarrass me, I'll quit."

He pouted a little. "Sure, Naruto, I'll be on my best behavior."

The damn liar.

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I went to a public high school in Konoha, Japan, population 10000. Not really big, and nothing interesting came form there until my graduating class.

My best friends turned out really well. Sakura became a doctor at the most prestigious hospital in the country. Sasuke became an actor, and he'd actually shortened his name like my god-damned boss; he'd become known as Sasuke, no Uchiha or anything. They both made a shitload more money than me, and they didn't have to deal with Sai.

Shikamaru, surprisingly, became a famous fashion designer, or so I'd realized from that fashion show. As for Ino, well, she became a model. I personally thought that there were only two model-like things about Ino: her waistline and her attitude. I'd e-mailed Chouji back and forth a few times, just because he was such a nice guy and you tend to realize those things when you're out of school and no one cares who the fat kid was anymore. He'd gotten a hold of his dad's restaurant, and he'd married to Ino. I was not invited to the wedding, for some reason, and when Chouji and Ino realized they'd forgotten me they sent me a tape of the wedding and told me to come eat at Chouji's restaurant whenever for free.

I guessed it was better than sitting at a stupid wedding.

There was this girl who graduated from my class, Hinata, who was from a famous family of martial artists. I'd heard that she won some award or other, I didn't know much about that kind of thing, and she'd become a stunt choreographer. Once again, her job was way cooler than mine, her paycheck could've eaten my paycheck, and she had not yet worked with Sai. The bastard probably couldn't have done any of the shit she'd show him anyway.

One of Hinata's friends did some shady stuff. Shino went to work for his dad, and no one knew what he did for a living, but he made a ton of money so it was probably nothing good. Hinata's other friend, Kiba (well he was Shino's friend too) became a police officer. That would've kind of sucked for him if he hadn't become a detective somewhere along the line, and his name had found it way into the paper and onto the news a few times.

As for myself…well…after college (and my major was Radio, Television, and Film, thank you very much) I hit a low point. I couldn't get a job, and Sasuke, who had just hit it big as an actor, getting his first role in a high-budget movie, offered me a position as his personal assistant. It was hell at first, learning all the shit I needed to keep up with, but it was okay because we were buddies and he would just give me however much money I needed. I didn't like that, though, because I didn't want to live life in his passenger seat, so I said Sayonara to that. He and Sakura both offered me money, because they knew I needed it…even when Sakura was just a poor intern, she broke down in tears over the phone once because I refused to take money from her.

I felt like shit after that, but she needed the money more than I did.

So after I quit being Sasuke's personal assistant, I saw an ad in the paper asking for…a personal assistant. Not much information was given, but I went in for the interview anyway.

I should have known something was up when the guy interviewing me wouldn't tell me the name of the potential employer. I needed the money, though, so I went along with it.

I got a call the next day telling me that I got the job. I don't know how or why Sai picked me; I'd only held a few jobs before then, I had a crappy, easy major, a bad credit history, and I went to the interview wearing jeans.

But sometimes, I thought that God was trying to get back at me for things I'd done in the past. Working for Sai was punishment enough to last me ten lifetimes of misdeeds.

Really. I hated his fucking guts.

The day of the reunion approached, and Sai woke me up that morning (he'd kept me there all night, the jackass) by opening my door, sneaking in, and tickling me.

When I woke up I accidentally kicked him in the side. He laughed at me and fell back, smiling his big stupid grin. I don't know where he got that smile, the smile of his that looks the most real, his childish smile.

Despite the kick to his side, Sai didn't get the 'don't do that' hint I was sending his way and he came in for another attack, deciding that he'd found something worth doing to me.

I, of course, tackled him to the floor and held him there. I weighed more than Sai, though he was about three centimeters taller than I was. My build was stronger than his; after all, Sai only worked out to keep himself in shape. He didn't have any of the fighting experience or athletic training that I got from high school.

With my hands pinning his wrists on either side of his head, I lowered my face and glared at him so hard that it hurts my facial muscles. "Sai," I growled. He looked like he was enjoying it, so I kept talking to prevent him from making any insinuations based on our position.

"Don't. Ever. Do. That."

He grinned up at me. I was right; he was enjoying it. Nothing got through to Sai, at least nothing I could do without becoming a criminal, but I had to try to get through to him.

"Why not?" he asked, his doll-face blank except for that smile. The skin under my hands was soft, so soft that I knew that I could've bruised him if I held him down too long. I decided to keep my message short.

"If you do that again, I'll bash your head in with a baseball bat."

"No, you won't."

I glared at him. Of course I wouldn't! Damn it! "I'll fantasize about it, though. I really will," I said, and I knew it sounded weak. Sai leaned his head back like he was getting ready to be under me for a while.

"I'll do something weird to you to wake you up, then," I said. I could've actually done that. I hadn't thought of anything, but I could've probably improvised rather easily.

Sai's smile fell from his face, and he just watched me for a moment. I thought that something may have really sunk in this time, though I didn't know what it was that I'd said that got through his thick skull.

I shoved myself off of Sai, and he pulled himself off the floor, dusting of his clothes. "Oh, I have to change again already…"

"Do it in your own room!" I shouted at him as I threw him out of the room he's letting me use. He laughed again, and I could imagine him smiling at me through the door.

Sai was weird. He'd say the most cryptic things sometimes, leaving me to try to figure out what was happening. Sometimes, he'd do something weird, something that didn't really seem like it would be worth seeing me pissed off, and things that might've made me hurt him or hate him. Nothing stopped him.

It was because of that, that I was afraid of what he'd do at the reunion. He often maked jokes about me…jokes that bordered on sexual harassment, the fag…and I really, really didn't want him to pull that shit at the reunion.

My old classmates already had enough reason to look down on me.

I packed my bags and I met him in the living room. He looked wonderful, as usual, wearing all black, and a pair of sunglasses that were worth more than my life. I had wizened up over the years and I now keep a good deal of clothes at Sai's place. I was glad, because I didn't want to look like Sai's shadow any longer than I had to.

He looked me over, and I rolled my eyes. I don't like his teasing.

"You don't have much imagination," he said, eyeing my jeans and sweater. He may have thought I looked crappy, but I thought he looked like a fag, so it all evened out.

I just shrugged. "I'm sick of wearing black, is all," I said. He held up two plane tickets. "Call a cab, please," Sai told me before picking up his own elegant black suitcase and walking out the door.

"Yeah, yeah," I said, pulling out the trusted cell phone I couldn't have lived without and calling the taxi service on my speed-dial.

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We booked a hotel room together in Konoha. Now, Sai and I both knew that he could damn well have afforded two rooms…he could've probably rented out the whole damned hotel if he wanted to, but when I tried to ask for two rooms he stopped me and walked up to the counter.

"We'd like to share a room with two beds, please," he said in his annoying soft voice. The woman working behind the counter just STARED at him and I rolled my eyes. I'd seen that shit a hundred times, and it got old.

Truth be told, I couldn't have picked Sai out of a line-up before he'd hired me. I'd never really cared about idols or actors before, not until Sasuke made it big.

I stared at him in shock. "Why one room?"

His pretty lips formed a smile, and he said into my ear, "It's been years since I've shared a room with anyone, and I miss it."

I glared at him and pulled away, trying to clean all the Sai-ness out of my ear. The receptionist stared at us and I shook my head as if to say, 'no, we're not screwing each other'.

Sai smiled at her. "I'll give you an autograph as soon as you give us that room."

She laughed, and I glared at Sai. He knew how to be so damn CHARMING, when he wanted to be, and it made me sick because I knew he was actually an asshole. "Right away," she said, ringing him in. She gave us each a key, and I hid my key quickly so that no paparazzi would show up and take a picture of 'Sai and his blonde lover' checking into a hotel together.

Sai signed an autograph for her, and even hugged her over the counter, milking the moment. Other people in the lobby stared at him, and I knew they could all see right through me. I was transparent when I stood next to Sai.

I dragged him to our room, holding back everything I wanted to say to him, trying to not remind him that he had enough money to pay for another room, when he tripped in the hallway and fell.

Fuck.

I knelt next to him, my anger gone. "Are you okay?" I asked him.

I really was concerned, because Sai DID let shit happen to him and he usually didn't put up a fight. I guess he was like that because he always wailed on other people, like he was trying to balance himself out.

Sai pulled himself up onto his hands and knees and I saw that his sunglasses had fallen from his face. "I'm alright. Just not so fast; I don't want to get any bruises."

I found his sunglasses and handed them to him, and he tucked them into the neckline of his shirt. Every motion was smooth and elegant, and when the sunglasses were in placed they weighed his shirt down just the right amount. I'd noticed that he knew how to do things in the most annoying ways, that he could try to be cute or elegant or charming, but whenever I saw him do that it just pissed me off. I hauled him to his feet and took his suitcase from him out of guilt.

Sai took a quick shower in our room and I realized that I'd have to shower after him, meaning that when I showered there would be Sai germs everywhere, waiting to get into my body to infect me with weirdness. I shuddered as he turned off the shower water.

"Naruto?" he asked from the bathroom.

I sat up at flipped him the bird through the wall. "What?"

"We don't seem to have any towels."

I rolled my eyes. "You're kidding me!"

"…do you want to see?"

I threw a pillow at the bathroom door. "No, I don't want to see you naked. I'll go get some more towels." I paused at the door. "Check before you get in the shower next time!" I shouted as I left.

I was actually thankful for the brief excursion because it allowed me to get away from Sai for a few minutes. I'd spent most of my life looking after him, and I'd gotten sick of him.

I managed to find some towels on a cart in a hallway and I walked back to our hotel room. When I opened the door, I was shocked to find him sitting naked and wet on his bed as he watched TV.

Panic set in and I threw the stack of towels at him. I'd never seen Sai naked before, and I'd never wanted to. He really hadn't been honest when he'd said he was getting pudgy. This is something that I hadn't needed to know.

"Dude!" I shouted at him. I hadn't used that word since college. "What the fuck?!?"

He wrapped a towel around his waist and turned his attention back to the TV. "Quiet, they're showing the Nara line again." Sai said with that perfectly blank look on his face, acting like I was the crazy one.

I stared at him before going to take my own shower. I didn't want to keep the Sai germs waiting.

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The reunion was held in the school gym.

Yes, I went to THAT kind of high school, ladies and gentlemen.

One of the first people I recognized was my old homeroom teacher Iruka. I played pranks on him for years, and I confessed my guilt on graduation day. He chased me around the auditorium, but he didn't catch me!

Iruka waved me over to him and hugged me. Sai followed me, silent and interested, and I'd really wished he'd fuck off. Iruka was talking to Ino and Chouji before I got there, and Chouji patted me on the shoulder.

"How are things, Naruto?" he asked. Before I had time to answer, Ino covered her mouth with her hands and her eyes widened and I knew what was about to happen.

Chouji noticed Sai, too, but he wasn't a girl. He was NORMAL.

Ino jumped up and down. "You're Sai!" she shouted, pointing to my employer.

Sai nodded. "It's nice to meet you. I'm a friend of Naruto's, and he was kind enough to invite me to his reunion."

Now, I never came off as gay, so that doesn't have the effect Sai expected. Rather, Ino ignored everything he'd just said and hugged him instead, still jumping up and down.

"Okay," I told her, trying to calm her down. "It's not that big a deal, Ino…"

Sai had everyone's attention, though, like I'd known he would.

I heard the distinct sound of heels, and I turned around to see Sakura. She looked hot, as usual, and she was wearing a pink dress.

Sakura hugged me and I hugged back, glad that she hadn't seen Sai before she'd seen me. "Hi, Naruto," she said as we pull apart. "I'm glad you came!"

She was definitely older; the hospital must have done that to her. Her face was smooth but her eyes looked tired, and the contempt she once had for me had disappeared, replaced with a mature amity.

I grinned at her, excited that I could see the girl I used to be in love with, and I rubbed the back of my head as I laughed. "Of course I did! I couldn't miss seeing you and Sasuke!"

"Sasuke?" Sai asked from behind me. He walked around, and I guessed that he'd freed himself from Ino because she wasn't around his neck anymore, and he asked me, "You know THE Sasuke?" He looked interested again, and it's not the kind of feigned interest he always projected when he chatted up fans or associates.

Sakura's green eyes widened when she saw him, and she smiled as she looked from one of us to the other. "You're Sai, aren't you?" she asked. She was BLUSHING.

Granted, Sai was hot, at least by girls' standards. I tried to brush this off.

I nodded at Sakura. "Yeah, we're kind of friends or something."

Sakura nodded back. She didn't like making scenes, and she cares a lot about her image, but I KNEW that she was as close to hugging Sai as I was to beating him to death. "That's good to hear," she said, holding out her hand. "I'm Haruno Sakura."

Sai took her hand, and he kissed it, the bastard, before saying, "I go by Sai."

Sakura blushed when he kisses her hand, but she pulled away from him. "Shake it, will you?" she asked. He smiled and complied.

I knew by then that her fangirl giddiness was building up. Sai did that to the best of people, and Sakura fit into that category, so I wasn't surprised to see her leave soon, saying something about calling Sasuke. This hit me hard, and I realized that they may have gotten together.

I mean, Sasuke came out and all, but she was Sakura. How could he have passed that up?

Sai put his arm around my shoulders and steered me back to Iruka, Chouji, and Ino. Ino has collected herself, though she still kept sneaking looks at Sai. I was glad she didn't have a camera right then.

Iruka cleared his throat. "Well, Naruto, it's good to see you're here." He turned to Sai, and spoke to him like any guy would: normally. "Naruto used to be a real troublemaker in class," he said with his usual wide grin on his face.

"Oh really?" Sai's lips curled into another smile that made me want to punch his lights out. "I can imagine it." He remembered his manners, and held out a hand for Iruka to shake. "My name is Sai, by the way, and you are…?"

Iruka shook his hand. "Umino Iruka, homeroom teacher." He motioned to Chouji and Ino. "These two are Akimichi Ino and Chouji."

Sai shook Chouji's hand, and, of course, kissed Ino's. He did this with every girl he met, and their reactions were always the same.

And Ino was MARRIED. If Chouji hadn't been lying to me, they were doing great together.

While Iruka was giving the introduction I should have given but didn't want to, I looked around and I saw Sasuke standing at the door of the gym. Sakura was talking to him and they were walking in my direction.

"Sasuke!" I shouted, jumping up and down and waving at him like an idiot. I knew how I looked, but it was worth it to see Sakura and Sasuke smile at me like old times.

He and Sakura walked over and I noticed that Sai had stopped talking to Ino and Chouji and he'd started staring at Sasuke. Sasuke recognized him, and I jumped in.

"Sai, this is Sasuke, my old best friend." I said. "And Sasuke, this is--"

"I know who he is," Sasuke said with a smirk. "Sai."

Sai smiled at him. "Wow, I thought I was going to meet you someday, but I didn't know it would be here."

To my surprise, Sasuke glared at him. "What are you doing with Uzumaki?"

Together, these two had drawn the attention of the whole gym. If I had been a hot chick, this would've totally been like a scene in a movie I'd seen once: the girl's old boyfriend finds her with a new, abusive boyfriend, and he fights for her.

When watched that movie I rooted for Sasuke.

But this was just embarrassing.

Sai glared back, and I knew that he'd seen all the people who were watching him because he suddenly grabbed Sasuke's face and kissed him hard on the lips. Sakura stared, and I knew I was staring, and everyone from my old class was staring. Sasuke stared at Sai, and both of them started smiling and I had no idea as to what the FUCK was going on.

Sai and Sasuke pulled away from each other laughing, and Sasuke put an arm over Sai's shoulder as he turned to me. "This guy's funny! Where'd you find him?"

The tension in the room disappeared and I was disappointed, not to mention disturbed.

"Uh…I work for him now."

Sasuke's eyes widened and he looked at Sai again. Sai smiled back. "Naruto is my assistant."

"Really?" Sasuke asked. He looked at me and I shrugged.

Sasuke removed his arm from Sai's shoulder. "So, ready for that audition?"

Sai smiled back. "You're looking to play L too, aren't you?"

I was almost lost, but I thought they were probably talking about the Deathnote audition.

"Sure am," Sasuke said. He turned back to Sakura. "I'm going to go wash out my mouth, and then do you want to walk around together?"

Sakura nodded. "Like old times?"

"Yeah." He turned back to me and whispered, "Get free for a while so we can talk to you." Sasuke left with that, and I honestly hoped he was going to wash his mouth out. Sasuke's gay, but kissing Sai is a whole different level of weirdness.

Hell, Sai didn't even have a soul.

I realized that we were alone, or rather that the three buffers called Iruka, Chouji, and Ino had left me to deal with Sai on my own, and he said, "Go get me some coffee."

"What?" I asked, glaring at him. He smiled. "I'm still paying you, Naruto."

I grumbled as I went to get him some damn coffee.

Sakura and Sasuke found me stirring sugar into his coffee. They each stood on either side of me, and I realized that they'd begun whatever it was that they'd wanted to do.

Back in high school, I was the guts of the operation. They were both the brains, and they were able to gain up on me back then because of it. I'd started to have a strong feeling of deja-vu.

"Naruto," Sakura said quietly.

"What?" I barked as I stirred in the sixth sugar packet.

Sasuke frowned at me. "What are you doing with Sai?"

I sighed. "Working for him, shit like that. You know, he gives me money, I do stuff for him…" I decided that two more ought to have done the trick.

Right after number eight, Sai found me at the coffee bar and I handed him his coffee. Sakura and Sasuke were still asking me ambiguous questions, and I was just waiting for them to start asking me which one of us was the catcher and how many kittens we had when Sai took a sip of the coffee and made a face. "Naruto, you know this isn't--"

He was about to tell me that there wasn't not enough sugar, but Sasuke suddenly pulled me away and Sakura followed us.

"Look," I said, pulling away from him. "I'm. Not. Screwing. Sai." I stared at both of them, waiting for that to sink in, and they stared back. Sakura laughed first.

"Um, I wasn't asking about that, but…how did you two meet?" she asked. "I mean, it's really…interesting…that you're working for someone like that. And you never told me either!"

Sasuke raised his eyebrows. HE had been asking about that, I knew he for sure. He let Sakura take the lead, though, probably saving the weirder questions for later.

"Why does it matter?" I hissed at both of them.

"Well," Sasuke said. "He's SAI, and--"

It seemed as though Sai had finished adding sugar to his coffee, because he walked over to me. "Naruto, when you make my coffee it should--"

Sasuke continued, whispering in my ear, trying to keep this interrogation a secret from Sai. "You just don't normally meet people like Sai, so how did you--"

In hindsight, if I had turned to Sai immediately and ignored Sasuke, instead of ignoring Sai and listening to Sasuke, the next few minutes of my life may have been very different.

As Sasuke tried to talk to me, and as Sakura waited, wanting to hear my story, Sai took a sip of coffee, turned my head, and spat coffee into my mouth.

Granted, it looked like a kiss, but it FELT like coffee, and I pushed him away immediately. Coffee spilled down both of our chins and necks, fading easily into the black of his shirt (which was probably still ruined, at least by his standards) and staining my orange shirt.

Sai smiled at me as he wiped coffee from his face with a napkin. "Naruto, THAT's how sweet I like my coffee," he said.

I stared at him. There are sometimes when I'm not sure if Sai if sneaky or just batshit insane, and this was definitely one of those times.

Sakura and Sasuke should have been staring at him, too, but they and everyone else who cared were staring at ME, Uzumaki Naruto, the guy who didn't do a damn thing.

I hate my boss, I really do.

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Notes:

Deathnote is a manga, an awesome manga which I have yet to read more than a few pages of. There are two main characters; one is L, a genius detective. His hair is black, by the way, so if you scuffed up Sai or Sasuke the right way they'd look like different versions of him. Deathnote has also been turned into a movie, though I don't think it's been released yet. I figured that two hot young actors could compete for the spot as L.