Residue

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine.

Author's note: This was a giftfic written for an LJ fiction exchange. First time writing pure angstfic. Enjoy.
i.
Sometimes, when the moonlight lifted the dusty curtains and the wind spiraled dreamily through the veils of still summer heat, he would feel Sirius again. Remus would close his eyes at times like this, sometimes fluttering close, sometimes shutting tight, and lay perfectly still. He loved the way the breeze felt, still warm with memories of the sun as it butterfly-kissed his cheeks and skipped down his arms; it too, reminded him of Sirius, of the way Sirius' fingertips felt as they caressed his forearm, and the way Sirius' breath would drift on his cheeks. Sometimes, when Remus stood at the threshold to the land of dreams, he thought he could hear the low throaty murmur Sirius would make in his sleep. Sometimes, maybe in half-consciousness, he could even feel the other side of the bed shift and sink with a phantom weight.

ii.
Mornings were always hard, waking up was the worst. For the first few weeks Remus lived with these phantom essences, clinging on to every scent and caress and possibility. Keep still , he would remind himself, keep still. He knew that should he move, even slightly, the magic would be broken, and all traces of Sirius, mind manifested or not, would disappear. He wasn't ready for that, not yet.

iii.
Two months in and Remus could feel himself weakening. His senses had numbed themselves to all sensations except those faint ones that just might be Sirius. He kept track of time by acknowledging every time he opened his eyes. Otherwise, Remus preferred the hazy comfort, the periods of drowsiness in which he could forget, even for a second that Sirius was no longer there.

iv.
There was once, and only once, when he felt the wave of air wisp past his cheek and to his neck while remaining very, very still and was suddenly seized with an uncontrollable and desperate longing. He had shot out a hand to grasp at wherever it was that Sirius might've been, and had found only air. When he sat up, there was nothing; he even noticed that the breeze now began to chill. Then he had thrown himself back in bed with the all too white cover over his head. After he had finished gasping in a wheezing fashion, he had curled onto his side, steadying his breath. He closed his eyes after his wheezing subsided and laid his cheek against the mattress, seeking the warmth that seemed to radiate from the material. He had fallen asleep in that position, salt clinging to his lashes and fingers curling into the white linen, searching for the presence of Sirius through the sheets.

He kept his movements to a bare minimum after that, of course, and would keep very, very still. Once had been once too many, and Remus wasn't ready for that, not yet.

v.
Come back.

vi.
Remus sat up in bed and stared into the room. "Hey." He suddenly said, surprised at how clear and defined his voice was even after months of disuse. The curtains dangled lightly in response. It was, after all, an empty room.

vii.
Their limbs entwined perfectly, as if they were vines that had grown and bound tightly to each other.

It was perfect. Remus loved the minutes after, when Sirius' breathing slowed from a desperate pant down to little puffs of air, running steps to lazy strolls. He always tried to match his breathing to Sirius', inout in out, in, out. in. out. in.

out.

in.

out.

Remus always found himself out of breath when he tried this little game, often tripping over breaths and gasping for air irregularly. Sirius was a breath ahead of him, always just a little bit ahead of him. When Sirius could hear himself again he would look down at him with his slightly out of breath state and chuckle as he flipped Remus over.

viii.
The day Remus hauled himself to his feet, he went to the pet store.

The lady there was very nice. She had a delightful smile and very nice teeth. The teeth flashed as she asked him what he wanted. Perhaps a nice fish or two, she suggested and Remus chuckled.

No, not fish.

What then? She asked.

Dog, definitely dog.

Oh. She smiled –really, she had a nice smile— what kind of dog would you like?

Remus' smile was wider. A black one.

ix.
The puppy's eyes were like porcelain as he stopped chasing his tail long enough to bark happily at Remus.

"Come," Remus smiled and scooped the puppy into his arms, "I'm taking you home."

x.
For the first time in months, Remus was not alone. It was a playful puppy, tearing at the curtains and chewing old shoes. At night, it crawled into the crook of Remus' arms and fell asleep. Remus trailed his fingertips over the puppy's little back and rubbed the soft fur on its head.

Maybe I can keep you. He decided.

It was, after all, a very sweet puppy.

xi.
Remus woke in the morning feeling terribly alone. For the whole night, he had laid perfectly still and waited.

Sirius did not come.

The puppy, however, had nuzzled itself in his arms and slept peacefully. Remus had tried to match his breathing with the puppy's and had found it to be excruciatingly hard. It was a very small puppy, and breathed rapidly. Remus had felt lightheaded and saw neon silhouettes before he gave up.

He patted the puppy carefully as he fed him. The puppy skittered around his ankles when it finished, nipping and playing. Remus smiled and reached down, the puppy jumped readily into his arms, eager to be loved.

I'm sorry, Remus thought as he scratched the delicate fur under its chin. I'm sorry.

xii.
It was, after all, a very sweet puppy.

It still was a very sweet puppy, even as Remus took it back to the pet shop and even more so as he transferred it into the arms of the nice lady with the shining teeth.

No. He said simply, and was grateful the lady didn't ask any questions.

It was a sweet puppy.

But it wasn't Sirius.

xiii.
Remus sat up in bed and stared at the curtains. It still drifted nicely, but it was slightly torn at the corner.

"Hello," He pronounced clearly, and marveled at the way it sounded in the room.

"I'm afraid," he paused and cleared his throat, "I'm afraid that I'm never going to be able to replace you."

Remus stopped and thought about what he said. He ran his fingers through his hair once, then twice. Finally he roughly grabbed a handful as he hid his face in his arms.

Come back.

End.