Part III

Present

The apartment was cold when I entered, the Chicago winter managing to creep in through ancient door and window frames cancelling out the little good work the heating systems may have done. However I barely felt it, I was chilled to the bone anyway, for entirely different reasons.

Closing my apartment door I didn't bother with the lights, and instead, after shedding my coat and bag, sat myself down on the couch, watching the pool of lights cross the floor as cars drove past my windowpane.

The numbness I'd felt in the emergency room still hadn't worn off, I barely remembered how I'd got here, which caused me to idly wonder whether I had been in a fit state to drive. The world seemed to be playing with the mute on, nothing made noise, or registered for longer than a moment in my mind before being cast aside for the next insignificant thought to take its place.

I'm not sure how I made it through the night, I know I never slept, never allowed my head to loll against the deep cotton cushions, or allowed my eyelids to fall. I never granted sleep to come, not wanting to end the day when I had last seen her, alive and dead.

I'm not sure I really understood the true nature of my feelings toward her until this moment, sat in the murky dark of my apartment illuminated only with the cruel orange of the street lamp stood to attention outside my window. It was now everything became clear, in the inky blackness of the night, that I did never, and could never think of life without her, the cheerful face in the ER when I needed to see it so, the smell of her hair, the dazzle of her smile, the smoothness of her voice. I don't now how I could have turned my back on it before, and now its gone, leaving me behind in a world I cannot comprehend without it.

I'd read somewhere, a long time ago, that a bond between two women could never be defined or explained by man, it was a sacred force, untouchable by those outside it, infallible. I remember thinking that it would be wonderful to experience a feeling of such, I never thought I truly would, and up until this afternoon didn't think I had.

Until it was lost.

Until it was no longer infallible.

Until she was gone.

I spent that night replaying in my mind every moment we had spent together, every encounter, every word, every experience

"I can't just be your friend Kerri…"

"I didn't want to wake you…"

"I can't believe you said that…"

I could see her lips as they formed every word, feel her cool breath on my cheek as she said them, hear her voice ringing around my mind. If I closed my eyes I felt as if I could simply reach out and touch her, lay my head on her shoulder as she sat beside me, turn and bury my face in her mass of curls, lose myself in her scent.

I spent that night dwelling on her, grieving for her without shedding a tear, recalibrating me life to run without her, missing her. Gradually the darkness of the night faded into the warm light of morning, I continued to sit where I was, faintly aware of a birdcall in the distance, signalling the new dawn, welcoming a world without Kim, I blocked out its song, refused to accept the new day and instead crumpled into exhausted sleep.

Terrible dreams haunted me while I laid out on my couch, images, morsels of our time together ran around in my mind, teamed with another image, a reoccurring one, one I couldn't get rid of no matter how I tried. The image of her laid out in front of me, the blue tint of her skin a startling contrast to the bright red of her blood pouring from a violent wound in her chest, one that couldn't be healed.

And like that bullet hole, our love lay open and bare, never to be knitted together, left gaping, painful, unfixable.

Slowly in my dream the heart within that helpless figure, unconscious, unbreathing, a personification of our love, creased itself it its final beat, and from my vantage point above the gurney I watched as she died before me, again and again and again.

The shrill call of the telephone finally pulled me from the loop of my nightmare, I woke with a start, not fully comprehending where I was, why I was there, what was happening. On automatic pilot I reached across the arm of the couch and picked up the telephone, placing it to my ear before I remembered, and my heart split itself in two once again

"Kerry? Kerry is that you?" A thick Croatian accent called at me down the phone, pulling me from my own pain, back into the pain of reality.

"Yes" I sighed slowly, surprised I still possessed the ability of speech "Yes, its me"

"Kerry, where are you? We were worried"

"What…what do you mean" My head was still filled with the numbness of pain, I shook it gently to try and clear the thick mist of my mind

"Your shift began an hour ago" He paused, I didn't know what to say, "What is the matter Kerry? You left in such a hurry yesterday that Carter had to run the ER for a little while"

"Yes, yes, I know, I left him in charge"

"You did?" The shock in his voice was tangible

"Yes, yes I did. Look Luka, I'm not feeling so good right now, I think I'm going to need to take my shift off"

"Well, okay Kerry, I am sure we can find someone to cover for you, but…"

"Thank you Luka" I cut him off, rapidly putting the receiver down before he could cut back into the conversation. Left alone again, I fell back into a restless sleep.

The ER was a hive of activity, walking up the corridor I had to dodge to get out the way of nurses, running for equipment, a doctor roughly pushed past me, heading the same way I was, but in more of a hurry, as far as I knew I'd never seen the man before but somehow he was recognisable. Racking my brain I pictured his face as it looked up at me from a stack of paper work, glad to see my presence.

Shaking my head I moved on, towards reception.

It was a familiar scene. Randi stood at the telephone, having a conversation with the person on the other end around a wad of chewing gum, Carter was next to her, tapping away on one of the computers while having a hushed conversation with Abby at the same time, Luka appeared briefly, before picking up another chart and leaving once again.

Taking a quick glance at the patient board I realised the reason for the rushing around, we had multiple traumas in, the board was practically filled, and yet it seemed very unfamiliar, as if this wasn't the board I looked at everyday.

The numbness I had felt last time I had witnessed a scene such as this still prevailed, I had no idea what was going on around me, could barely put names to faces as they rushed past a body I felt I wasn't in control of.

Four seconds later it all became clear, as I walked through the Doctors' Lounge door and came face to face with myself.

"Kerry I've been looking for you" The world went on around me as I tried to digest the information, my voice spoke without my say-so, I had no control over what was happening, I was merely a witness

"Kim…" Kerry stood; or rather I stood, responding to my comment. My head was reeling; did she (did I?) just call me Kim?

"Kerry, can we talk?"

"Yeah, sure, um, yes sit down" She (I?) was flustered, confused, she stuttered slightly as she spoke, the meeting catching her by surprise. I (she?) did as I was told, sitting slowly on a chair opposite her, facing the refrigerator, and its familiar hum.

"Kerry, I've been meaning to talk to you for a while, I..." I paused, gathering my confidence "I wanted to see if I could make it right between us" I said it in a rush, obviously having rehearsed it many times before. Kerry (I?) was stunned, shock clear on her face

"You…what?" Her voice was gentle, quiet, disbelieving

"I've been feeling awful after the way I treated you before, I know this is hard for you and sticking up for me in front of someone like Romano is no easy task…" I laughed gently, hoping to lighten the situation, failing "I think I realised that although it wasn't the nicest thing you could have done for me at that time, you have many good reasons not to have spoken up, I mean its practically forgotten now in the department, I'm back at work and things seem to be almost how they were…" I trailed off, hoping for help, I got none "I suppose what I'm trying to say is I'm willing to forgive you… and I want you back Kerry"

There was silence. From my jumbled up position inside someone else's head, two sets of thoughts ran through my mind simultaneously. The first was fear, hope for her reaction, while the second was why I was there, witnessing this situation.

Kerry (I?) was astonished, dumbfounded, I watched as she opened her mouth to talk, but then closed it again without uttering a word.

"What do you say?" My voice was quiet, full of nerves. Finally Kerry let out a breathy laugh, a smile crossing her face

"Kim…I don't know what to say"

"Yes?" I responded playfully, I didn't have to see through my own eyes to see the beautiful smile on the face from which I was looking out, I could picture it in my mind, I'd seen it so many times before

"Yes…"

Like a cut scene in my mind the image of myself saying that perfect word was lost and another took its place. I was walking into an exam room in the ER, a doctor sat in the corner, if I'd had time I would have recognised him as the doctor from earlier, but like in the last scene I had no control over my body, and it moved before I could get a proper look. On the other side of the room stood a girl, leaning against her bed as she pulled on a pair of worn old sneakers, as I watched my body took me forwards toward her, and, as I spoke it, a single word caused the girl to look up into my face…

"Kasie?"

I woke with a start. Emerging into a warm, light, familiar room far form the feelings I had experienced in my dream.

Sitting up I realised I was still laid out on the couch, my head resting in a pool of sunlight, which had found its way through the open curtains.

My head was in a whirl, a thousand feelings had flashed through my mind when that unfamiliar girl looked into my eyes, hope, caring, fear, distress, pain and in that same moment I suddenly knew what had happened that day, how Kim had come to be laid out on a Trauma Room bed, bleeding heavily form the chest, her life slipping away.

I don't know how I knew it, I simply did, that what I had experienced was not simply a dream but a message. It was Kim telling me that all had been forgiven, and although we were now apart, we would always be together, in our dreams.

In our hearts.