Chapter 5 - The Grand Finale

Now in a normal proposal one might take their significant other to a nice place, get down on one knee, profess their everlasting love and then pop the question.

Key word being normal there.

After successfully scaring off Parkinson's new high society play boy – with his newly acquired skills he had learned in Auror training – Harry had her all to himself again.

He really should've just killed her, Azkaban would've been much more enjoyable.

But alas, he was not allowed to enjoy the profuse future prison would've provided. Instead he made an idiotic move that went something like this…

With that damn ring in his pocket, he left work early to meet her for dinner. Not that he planned to propose to her at dinner…he just carried that thing everywhere because he didn't have a clue as to how or when he would go through with this most unholy event…also known as his sanity desperately trying to fight against the deadly Parkinson virus that was running through his very being.

Turns out dinner wasn't going to be the time to propose anyway. They got into yet another argument. Something about how she needed to stop flaunting her barely there cleavage to every breathing, walking male, which ended up with her throwing her glass of water on him and walking out of the restaurant.

That was the fourth, maybe fifth time she had done that to him at a restaurant that now had to be added to the list of places they couldn't go to again.

Idiotically, he went after her instead of letting her flee off into the approaching night and turn down the wrong alley to get killed.

He caught up to her, not that she moved very fast to begin with, and grabbed her arm. She slapped him of course. And that was all Harry could take that night. He pulled the ring out of his pocket, waving it right in front of her face.

"See this Parkinson?"
"Maybe I would if you'd stop moving whatever it is."
He held it about and inch away from her nose. "Do you know how long I've been trying to propose to you?!" Her beady little eyes stared at the sparkling diamond in front of her. "But noooooo, you have to go and ruin every second of the day so I can't!" He threw his arms up exasperated. "So forget it! Not doing it! I'm done trying!"
He went to go put the ring back in his pocket, but Parkinson was now battling him for it. "Give me that damn ring, Potter!"
"Hell no!"
"Damn it! Give it to me before I have to hurt you!"
Harry laughed sardonically. "Over my dead body."
"So be it!"
"Didn't know you were into necrophilia too. Now I'm really glad I didn't propose to you."

She slapped him again, causing him to drop the unfortunate ring. She quickly retrieved it from the ground and put it on her finger, clearly pleased by its appearance. The poor ring deserved so much better.

"We're getting married, Potter. Now shut up and let's go home."
"I didn't propose to you!"
"Yes you did!"
"You're delusional!" She slapped him again. "Stop it!"
"You're such a whiny little bitch, Potter."
"And you're an evil whore, Parkinson."
"That will be Potter soon enough." She shuddered. "Pansy Potter. How horrible."
"I didn't propose to you!"
"Shut up. Don't make this any worse than it already is."
"Then don't marry me." He practically pleaded.
"You started this whole thing by buying this ring, now live with the consequences."
"Consequences?!"
"That's right. Grow a pair and follow through on something!"
"Fine!" Damn his masculine ego. Damn it straight to hell.
"Fine!" She always had to get the last word in.

How long did it take for people to find out he was making the worst decision of his life to date? Oh, not too terribly long since the 'proposal' took place out in the open with quite a few onlookers.

Ron tried to have him recommitted to St. Mungo's after asking him to be his best man. Hermione threatened to check Ron in after initially turning Harry down. Ron then threatened her back when she accepted Pansy's inquest of being not just a bride's maid, but the maid of honor. Pansy actually had people come to commit Ron after she found that out. Harry then had to go bail Ron out for the 'misunderstanding'.

Ron was not exactly pleased, nor was he.

"Parkinson! You can't just go around having my friends committed to an insane asylum just because they're trying to talk some sense into me!"
"Don't make me move this wedding date up." She said nonchalantly, while working on seating arrangements for the reception.

That shut him up really quick.

But that wedding date was quickly approaching and Parkinson got whinier by the minute. The only thing worse than her was his soon to be in-laws. Hell, they were even worse than Voldemort. They had a different hit out on him every week, and every week he had to explain to the Ministry how some guy he didn't know's serious injury was in self-defense.

Parkinson didn't seem to care. She was too busy making wedding preparations. If he was killed, she'd probably have him wheeled there and waiting at the alter on a gurney just because she had spent so much time on it.

He decided to make sure he would be immediately cremated after his death.

He also decided to make sure she wouldn't be getting any of his money in the event of his untimely death. In fact, decided to have her sign a prenuptial agreement on it in the highly likely event of their divorce.

That didn't go over so well.

"I'm not interested in your dead parents' inheritance money, Potter! I'll have some of my own soon enough. I'm sure one of my parents will drop dead from the wedding."
"You are one shameless bitch. I almost pity your parents." Yeah, except he was the one marrying her, so he pitied himself.
"Wow, Potter, how admirable of you."
"For you, Parkinson, I try my best." To really piss you off.

Alas, the sacrilegious day came all too quickly for everyone's liking.

Harry stood at the end of the isle, Ron by his side. He was telling him that it wasn't too late for him to back out of this, even as Parkinson was surely only moments away from walking down the isle herself. Harry looked miserably to all of the seated guests. Parkinson's parents had finally taken a seat in the front row after unsuccessfully trying to get her to back out herself.

He was willing to bet that ninety percent of the guests would raise their hand when asked if anyone had any objections to their joining in matrimony. He couldn't believe that everyone they had invited actually showed up. Most likely because they had to see it to believe it. Malfoy had even showed up looking confused and yet amused. He was probably just there to flaunt his trophy wife to Harry.

It worked. Harry wanted the trophy wife. Maybe he could talk Malfoy into switching. Parkinson once worshipping the ground he walked on, that had to count for something. But before Harry had the chance to ask, the procession began. He closed his eyes, pretending it was his own funeral procession where he got to go on to a Parkinson-free afterlife.

"Harry!" Ron whispered sharply. "I'll create some cover, run for the hills and don't look back."
Tempting…
"Harry go now, she's almost here!" Ron actually gave him a shove.
"Ron! I told you not to interfere!" Hermione hissed from her position on the opposite side.

A strange sort of strangled desperation cry came from Ron, but it fell on deaf ear. Parkinson had walked down the isle by herself, seeing as her father refused to lead her into such travesty. Now that she was standing next to him, her parents looked quite ill. Not to mention a good portion of the crowd. He looked at her and found her already staring at him.

"Alright, let's get this over with." She said impatiently.
He rolled his eyes, wanting to hex himself for actually thinking she didn't look too horrible today. "Such the romantic."
The minister looked at them uncertainly. "Uh, dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the joining of Harry Potter and Pansy Parkinson in holy matrimony."
Harry vomited in his mouth, forcing himself to swallow it back down. Ron was still prodding him in the back, encouraging him to flee the scene.

But just when all hope had been lost and seemingly nothing left to save him from his miserable fate of being Parkinson's bitch husband…

Loud apparation pops began sounding all over the field.

"Oh thank god." Harry said relieved at the sight transpiring before him. All hope was not lost yet! "Well it sure as hell took you long enough!" Harry shouted at Voldemort and his minions.
Voldemort smiled wickedly. "Why Harry, I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting. I thought dropping by now would be perfect timing."
"No!" Harry shouted. "What would have been perfect timing would have been years ago when this bitch first sunk her claws into me! Do you have any idea of the suffering I've gone through because of your dawdling?!"
Voldemort didn't respond. In fact he actually looked quite confused, as did his Death Eaters.
"Come on, I'll give you one free shot!" Harry yelled. "Go on, kill me!"
"Oh no you don't!" Parkinson said, slapping him across the face. "You are not getting out of marrying me!"
"Watch me!" Harry said excitedly, pulling out his wand. "Let's go Big V!"
Parkinson grabbed a fistful of his hair. "Don't you walk away from me!"
Harry slapped her hand away. "Sorry, Voldemort calls. He doesn't like waiting."
"On the contrary…" Voldemort said slyly. "I rather think you should get married first, then your wife can be a widow."
"No, no! Now is good. Let's battle now." Harry pleaded.
Voldemort had a sinister smile. He order all of his minions to take a seat, as did he. "Minister, proceed."
Harry whimpered, as did Ron.
"You think you're so smart, trying to go off and get yourself killed." Parkinson rolled her eyes.

Voldemort was taking such pleasure in his agony. That evil son of a bitch. Now Harry really wanted to kill him. But if he killed him, he'd be stuck alive with Parkinson. Death by Voldemort, live with Parkinson…Death by Voldemort, live with Parkinson…

Parkinson stomped on his foot. "Say yes, Potter!"
"Say no, Harry!" Ron said from behind.
"Will you shut it back there, Weasel?!" Parkinson was ready to throttle him.
"Damn it…" Harry muttered. "Fine, yes." Parkinson said the same.
"And if there is anyone who believes that these two should not be joined in matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace."
"No!"
"No."
"I object."
"So, do I."
"Me too."
"Silence!" Voldemort demanded. "I do not object. Now Proceed."
"I now pronounce you…" Oh no, here it comes… "Husband and wife." Oh the humanity! "You may kiss your bride."
"Do I have to?" Harry groaned. "Oow!" A stinging hex had been sent by Voldemort.
Harry sealed the deal.
"It is now my, uh, pleasure, to introduce to you Mr. and Mrs. Harry and Pansy Potter."

Parkinson immediately started complaining about her new last name. Harry decided that he could use her as a human shield if Voldemort sent the killing curse at him. After all, she had to be good for something. Voldemort was beyond pleased by his suffering and was laughing from his seat.

"Potter, will you just kill him and get it over with, he's annoying me." Parkinson, now Potter said.
"No, I was planning on letting him come to the reception, I'm sure he'd love the imported firewhiskey." Harry said sweetly.
"Potter!"
With a huff, Harry turned to Voldemort. "Ready to kill me now?"
"I suppose." Voldemort sighed. "This is going to be quite anti-climatic if you're not even going to put up a fight."
"Pretty much." Harry said dully.
"Alright, we'll duel like we did years ago." Voldemort seemed saddened by this turn of events.
"Damn it you are not going to kill my husband!" Parkin-Potter yelled at Voldemort. "You'll have to kill me first."

She just had to go ruin another death date for him. Consequently, Voldemort was obliging to Park-Potter's order and Harry intervened. That damn hero complex was really getting on his nerves.

To make a long story short, Voldemort ended up dead. Yes, very anti-climatic.

If it makes you feel better, Harry almost died too, but that bitch of a wife had the medics bring him back to life.

They've been married for just over two years now and still no one really quite knows why.

The truth of the matter is sanity took a permanent holiday, resigned, was stolen, murdered and buried in the middle of nowhere so it could never be found again.

That's right. He, Harry James Potter, has finally come to terms with reality. He is just one of the unfortunate people who lose their sanity over their lifespan, leading them to do completely uncharacteristic things. For he did not willingly choose to do the things he has done involving Pansy Parkinson, a rational Harry would have never, ever come close.

Loss of all sanity, reason and common sense. Yes, it's the perfectly plausible explanation for all of this.

It's better than actually acknowledging the truth…which he would be forced to off himself if he ever admitted to.

To clarify, he did not just admit to anything, especially willingly being with Pansy Parkinson.

You heard nothing.