Rinoa Bash Fest, a final fantasy viii fanfic

A/N: Why didn't I think of this sooner! This is EASILY my best idea ever! Anyone who knows me knows that I omni-loathe Rinoa Heartily of final Fantasy 8. She single-handedly ruined what promised to be a great storyline for FF8 by adding in what has to be the most god-awful piece-of-crap love story that I've ever seen. Don't get me wrong. If you know me, you know that I enjoy a good romance. Keywords: a GOOD romance. Not this "Oh my gawd he's HAWT! I'm gonna bear seven children for him!" love at first-sight crap we were all subjected to in this otherwise great game. Squall was too awesome a character (my favorite FF main hero) to be stuck with a twit like Rinoa. And another thing! She…

Whoa, I gotta calm down. Talking about her outside of parody makes me ill. Ahem.

This fic is a tribute to everyone in the world who ever wished that there was a "We Hate Rinoa" society. In addition to poking fun at Rinoa (…poking? Mo' like stabbing with a big, rusty, semi-dull butcher knife…that has some strange meat-based virus on it), I'll see if I can't get a few stabs (Hehe…) in on some of the other parts of FF8 that irked me. Enjoy!

Note: It's been a long time since I've played through FF8 again so I don't remember many of the place names, plot points, or proper event placements so I hope you'll forgive me for that. This is, after all, a parody.

Big bold-faced disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 8. Square Enix does. Yeah. Thank you for saving Squall's dignity by putting in an awesome game series like Kingdom Hearts (which also belongs to Square Enix)

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Rinoa Bash Fest

Two lovers… one struggles for establishment in society… the other struggles against it. When their paths cross one starry evening, their lives are forever changed…

Poor Squall. He never saw it coming…

"Bah," mumbled Squall to himself. "Why did I ever let them talk me into coming to this lame dance?" He reached up to the collar of his suit and tried to pull down on it. "And this suit is too tight. This definitely isn't my scene. I think I'm gonna go back to my room and- hey, wait a minute…" He squinted his eyes as a certain someone caught his eye. "Who is that?"

There she was… Rinoa Heartily. Her fine, shimmering yellow dress helped to accentuate her natural beauty. The slit up the side of her dress showed off her smooth, slim legs, allowing her to exude both an aura of class and sexiness. Her hair, long, dark, and straight, flowed gently down her slender shoulders. Her eyes, dark and beautiful, showed both great sensitivity and overall kindness. If he hadn't known any better, Squall would've sworn that she was an angel.

Noticing his gaze upon her, Rinoa smiled and walked over to him. Wasting no time, she took his hand and dragged him to the middle of the dance floor. Surprised by this most recent turn of events, Squall did the best he could to stay in-step with Rinoa's moves, hoping only to not embarrass her too much.

Breaking the silence, Squall said, "Well… I certainly didn't expect this. Who might you be?"

She closed her eyes and smiled again. "Hi! I'm Rinoa Heartily! What's your name?"

"Squall. Squall Leonhart."

She giggled. "What a cute name!"

"Cute?" thought Squall to himself. He shook his head. "Ah well, she's kinda cute. I suppose I can tolerate it for now."

She looked up at him. "Having a good time?" she asked.

"Mmm, I suppose," he said with a small grin. As if the temperature of the room suddenly dropped, Squall felt a great shiver run down his spine. "Whoa," he said in mid-shiver.

"Hmm? What's wrong?" asked Rinoa.

He shrugged. "Not sure. I just felt really cold all of a sudden. It kinda made me feel like…"

"Like what?"

"…well… like something bad is gonna happen soon."

"Really?" She tilted her head. "Why do you think that?"

He shrugged again. "I'm not sure. Ah well, I'm probably just being silly."

The song they had danced to the past couple of minutes had finally come to an end as did their dance. Rinoa pulled away from her dance partner, winked, and disappeared back into the crowd.

Squall paused and shivered again. "Huh… wonder what that was all about."

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A few days later on the Timber Train…

"Are we there yet?" asked Zell impatiently.

Squall slapped his own face and shook his head. "You dope. We just got on the damn train and you're already asking that? We haven't even met the leader of the resistance yet!"

Selphie pointed and laughed at her companion. "Ha ha! He called you a dope!"

Squall shook his head and knocked on the door of the room everyone was supposed to meet in. "Come on in," said a voice from within.

Opening the door, Squall walked in and was surprised when he realized who in fact was the leader of the resistance: Rinoa, the young woman he had danced with at the party. Cocking an eyebrow, Squall asked, "Well well, what have we here?"

Rinoa smiled warmly and waved to him. "Squall! I never thought you'd be one of the representatives from SeeD! How have you been?"

"Uh, fine I suppose," replied Squall. "Umm… pardon me, but don't we have a meeting to start?"

She nodded. "Mmm, but not everyone is here yet. The meeting is set to start in a few minutes. Until then, would you care to chat for a bit?"

Squall brought a hand to his chin, thought for a moment, then nodded. "Eh, sure, why not?" He then grinned and thought to himself. "Cool. This'll give me a chance to get to know her better, heh…"

30 seconds later…

"Oh my god!" yelled Squall within his mind. "It hasn't even been a minute yet and I already hate this chick! What the hell have I gotten myself into? I'm going to be sooo glad when this stupid mission is over. Maybe then I'll never have to see her again."

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Sadly for Squall, this was only the beginning of Squall's torment. A few days later…

"Damnit," grumbled Squall. "Whose bright idea was it to let that woman tag along with us?"

"What woman?" asked Zell. "You mean Rinoa?"

Squall sighed. Every time he heard that name, it felt as if a small part of his soul was forever taken away from him. "Yes Zell. I mean Rinoa." He shuddered.

"Hmm…" Zell thought for a moment then snapped his fingers. "Oh yeah! I think it was Selphie's! Uh… can't remember the reason why, but-"

Squall waved his hand. "Doesn't matter why. I was just curious." At this time, he took out a small notebook and scribbled something on it.

Note to self: Push Selphie off a cliff the next time a chance presents itself.

Satisfied, Squall tucked the notebook back into the inner pocket of his jacket. "There. I feel a little better now."

"Eeek!" yelled Rinoa. "Monsters!"

"Monsters!" yelled Zell. Zell pumped his fists and posed. "C'mon Squall! We gotta go help the girls out!"

"Eh…" Squall shook his hand from side-to-side. "I'm sure they can take care of themselves. I, uh… believe in them… or something."

"Yeah but-" Zell was cut off when something caught his eye. "Wait a minute! They're going past the girls and headin' straight for us!"

Squall sighed. "They're doing this on purpose." He drew his gun-blade, ready to fight. "C'mon Zell, let's go."

Random Battle!

Zell and Squall performed their pre-battle poses and prepared themselves for the fight to come. Just as Squall was about to issue his first command, Rinoa came to his side, bouncing from side-to-side as she did. "I'm here to help Squall!"

"Wee…" grumbled Squall. "Well, I guess I better get this party started. Lesse here…"

A list of commands appeared out of thin air in front of and he started to read them to himself. "Hmm… Fight, Magic, GF, Item… let's go with 'Fight'. Always was my favorite command." Another list of commands appeared in front of him. "Now who to hit… Wendigo, Funguar A, Funguar B, Squall, Rinoa, Ze-… 'Rinoa'?" He grinned. Making sure none of his 'friends' were looking, he selected 'Rinoa' and re-confirmed his selection. Just as he had selected, he walked over to the unsuspecting Rinoa, swung his gun-blade, and connected with her unarmored body. Much to his delight, he not only timed the firing of his bullet perfectly but he also scored a critical hit as well. As such, he dealt enough damage to the frail fighter to bring her down to zero hit points, effectively taking her out of the fight.

Squall sighed happily. It felt as if a great weight was lifted off of his shoulders. "Ah… I feel MUCH better now."

"Squall!" yelled Zell in utter horror. "What have you done?"

Squall began to sweat lightly, unsure of how to explain this. "Uh, um… my finger slipped."

"Your finger slipped?" asked Zell. "But what about the perfectly timed bullet firing?"

"Err, umm, y'see…" Zell had him now. If it really was an accident, it was highly unlikely that he'd be so clumsy to screw up, not once, but twice in a row. "You know, there's a funny story behind that, uh, hehe…"

Before Squall could say anymore, fortune smiled upon him when the Wendigo came up and slammed Zell to the ground, instantly eliminating Squall's need for a rebuttal. He smiled. "Well, that solves that problem. After recovering from a hit like that, there's no way he'll remember what we were talking about." He turned his attention back to the fallen Rinoa and sighed happily. "I'm having a good day." He had spoken too soon.

As soon as he finished that sentence, Rinoa's faithful dog Angelo came to its master's rescue, a phoenix down hanging from its mouth. Upon reaching Rinoa, Angelo dropped the phoenix down on her, instantly bringing her back to life.

Rinoa awakened with a start and shook her head. "Oh my… what happened to me?"

Angelo sat down next to Rinoa and stared at Squall, its tail wagging and tongue hanging lazily out of its mouth.

Squall snorted. "Stupid mutt."

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A few days later in the city of Deling…

"Is everything ready?" asked Squall.

Irvine nodded. "Mmm. Zell and the ladies are in position and I've got the rifle." He proudly showed off the specially-made firearm. "Everything's set."

"Good," said Squall. He turned to the main plaza and watched as the ever-growing crowd cheered for the coming sorceress. "Now we just have to wait. Stay loose, okay?"

Irvine nodded, tipped his hat downward, and leaned against the wall. "Will-do."

Never one for being lazy with preparations, to keep himself occupied, Squall pulled a small pair of binoculars from inside his jacket and began to scan the area surrounding the plaza. Everything seemed to be going well. No guards were situated around the outer perimeter of the plaza, meaning their chances of being detected were next to zero.

That was, until SHE showed up…

"Oh no… not now…" groaned Squall.

Along the east edge of the plaza, Rinoa could be seen scaling some boxes. There was little doubt in Squall's mind that she was heading in his direction. She had been a little more than upset with the fact that she was being left behind for the mission (naturally, Squall had insisted on her being left behind permanently, but that's another story). She had insisted on helping out her 'Hot Stud-Muffin Squall', no matter what it took, and here she was, doing everything she could to reach them.

He lowered his binoculars and slipped them back into his jacket. "Irvine, your rifle, please."

Irvine looked up. "Hmm? Okay." Picking up the rifle with his right hand, he tossed it over to Squall who promptly caught it. "What's up?"

Without looking back, Squall raised the rifle and tried to steady his aim toward Rinoa. "Uhh… I think I see a Galbadian soldier coming over here. I'm gonna take him out before he has a chance to get over here."

"Wait Squall…"

Squall paused, fearful that Irvine didn't believe him. "What?"

Irvine whispered a few words and threw two fingers toward the gun. It glowed briefly before originally turning back to its original color. "I cast Silence on the rifle. That should keep us from attracting any unwanted attention."

"Whew," said Squall to himself. He turned back to Irvine briefly and nodded. "Thanks. I'm glad you thought of that."

Irvine nodded back and went back to his relaxed position.

Rinoa dead in his sights, Squall wasted no time in pulling the trigger.

Meanwhile…

"That silly Squall!" said Rinoa happily as she scaled yet another ledge. "Wanting me to stay behind because he's afraid I'll get hurt. What a sensitive guy!"

Whistling a happy tune, she prepared to scale another ledge when the unexpected (for her) happened: a bullet struck her in the shoulder, instantly sending her sprawling to the ground. Fearing that she had been found, she crawled as quickly as she could to the nearest shelter. It was there that she whimpered and complained about her injury.

"Medic!" she yelled. "Oh my brave Squall, save me!"

Back at Squall and Irvine's vantage point…

"Did you get him?" asked Irvine.

Knowing that he had not delivered a fatal injury to Rinoa, Squall did his best to hide his frustration as he turned back to Irvine and handed him the rifle. "Yeah, I got him. Piece of cake."

Irvine nodded and took the gun. "Cool. Good job." With that, he flipped his hat back down and went back to relaxing.

Mumbling to himself, Squall took his binoculars and looked where Rinoa had fallen. Although he couldn't see her anymore, he could see a trail of blood that looked as if it led to a shelter of some sort. "Well, at least I hurt her pretty good."

No sooner did he say that then Rinoa's faithful dog Angelo came to her rescue. Carrying what looked like a potion in its mouth, it ran into the shelter, no doubt to try and heal her.

Frustrated even further, Squall tossed his binoculars over the edge of their vantage point and folded his arms. "Stupid mutt."

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A few days later in D-District Prison…

"This is impossible!" yelled Zell over the loud barking of gunfire not far from where he, Squall, Selphie, and Quistis were crouching. "We're never gonna get out of here if those guys across the way keep shooting at us!"

Squall nodded in agreement. "They're blocking the only exit out of here." He held up his gunblade. "I could try shooting them with this but a gunblade is no match for the accuracy or fire rate of the rifles those goons are toting."

Quistis huffed. "What are we supposed to do then, oh fearless leader?"

Ignoring her mocking comments, he answered by simply saying, "We wait."

She rolled her eyes. "Great plan."

What else could be done? They believed that they needed a miracle if they were going to get out of this prison alive. They ended settling for a guy in a cowboy get-up with a gun.

The guards that had been shooting Squall's group dropped dead as the sound of an obviously high-caliber rifle rang through the air. Peeking over their 'bunker' Squall saw Irvine walking down the stairs close to where the guards had been. The light of day shone brightly behind him, giving the image of some great crusader of ages past.

Squall through up his arms in victory. "Yes! Am I ever glad to see you!"

Midway down the stairs, Irvine looked in Squall's group's direction, tipped his hat, and started walking again.

Much to his and Squall's dismay, Irvine's flash of cockiness didn't last long, for at the top of the stairs, Rinoa could be heard yelling, "Squall! Squall, my sweet little stud-muffin! I'm here to save you!" Wasting no time in getting to what she saw as her true love, she completely bowled over Irvine, sending him tumbling down the rest of the stairs. At the bottom, she stood on his fallen body and jumped up and down, hoping to get Squall's attention. "Yoo-hoo! Squall!"

Squall slowly sank behind his 'bunker' in disgust. "Ugh. Hey Zell, do you remember how to get back to the torture chamber they were holding me in?"

Zell nodded. "Yeah, but why?"

Squall sighed. "I think I liked it better up there."

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Less than an hour later at the fork in the road outside of D-District Prison…

"A fork in the road!" complained Selphie. "Where are we supposed to go now?"

Squall placed a hand on his chin and thought for a moment. "Hmm… lemme see… ah, I know. I'll consult my guide." He turned away, keeping his back to his companions. From the inside of his coat (he sure does have a lot of room in there, doesn't he?), he pulled out a rather large book with the words "Final Fantasy 8 Strategy Guide" on the front cover. Flipping through the pages, he eventually found the section that involved this particular fork.

"Hmm…" he muttered to himself. "Seems that the left road leads to a Missile Facility that we need to take out for one reason or another while the other road leads back to Balamb." He scanned the page a while longer before something caught his eye. "What's this? 'Warning: When selecting the three party members that will go to the Missile Facility, be sure to pick the three members you care the least about, for when their mission is done, they will-"

Squall looked up and smiled wickedly. "Heh… three birds with one stone. This is my lucky day." Slipping the guide back into his jacket, he cleared his throat and turned back around. "Ahem. Rinoa! Quistis! Selphie! I have a very important mission for you."

Without giving the other women a chance to speak, Rinoa immediately saluted. "Yes sir mister stud-muffin! What can we do for you?"

He pointed down the left road and at the Missile Facility. "You see that building over there? It's a Galbadian Missile Facility. With everything that's been going on lately, there's little doubt in my mind that they're going to make use of those missile within. I need you three to go there and stop that from happening. Rinoa, you're in charge, okay?"

Star-studded hearts appeared in Rinoa's eyes as she heard this. "M-me? You want me to be in charge?" Squealing in delight, she ran over to Squall and threw her arms around him. "I promise I won't let you down!"

Squall grinned as he tried to hold back some vomit. "Oh I'm not worried about that. I know you three will do just fine." He was about to turn back to his vehicle when he realized that he had forgotten one thing. "Oh yeah, and don't forget to take Angelo with you!"

Rinoa giggled as she and the other girls and Angelo hopped in the other vehicle. "Don't worry! I'd never leave Angelo behind! Wish us luck!" With that, their vehicle took off down the road.

Squall heaved a great sigh of relief as they watched the women disappear into the distance. He looked to Zell, then Irvine. "Boys… I think it's going to be a good day."

Less than an hour later…

Squall's crew's vehicle came to a stop just outside of Balamb, all three men ready to put an end to whatever was threatening the Garden. Shortly after stepping out of the vehicle, a loud, almost deafening explosion could be heard from very far away.

Startled by the explosion, Zell hit the ground and yelled, "What the hell was that!"

Squall only smiled. "I don't know what it was, but I do know one thing."

"What's that?" asked Irvine.

Squall began walking away from the vehicle and toward the Garden. "I feel a whole lot better now than I did before."

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A few days later at Fisherman's Horizon…

Squall's gunblade ripped through yet another one of Galbadia's war machines as the intense fighting continued on. "What the hell is going on here?" he wondered aloud. "I knew this was going to be a bad day, but man, this is just plain nuts."

"A bad day, huh?" said Irvine from behind him before he nailed two more soldiers with his rifle. "Don't worry about it so much. I'm sure it's nothing that a little bit of violence can't fix."

Zell wound back his fist and sent it flying into the gut of the soldier closest to him. The impact was enough to completely take the soldier out of the fight when he tumbled over the edge and into the water. "Yeah Squall, lighten up a bit. Besides, I'm sure the worst has already passed us. What else could go wrong?"

Squall nodded without confidence. "Yeah, I suppose you're right, but still…" He shook his head. "This is ridiculous. I'll worry about it later."

A few minutes later…

Planting his gunblade into the ground, Squall leaned his weary body upon it as a means of support. "Whew. I'm glad that's over. That wore me out." With his free hand, he gripped his stomach as if it were in great pain. "Ugh… I feel really sick all of a sudden."

Irvine glances at him. "Sick? Why?"

Squall shook his head. "Dunno. Wish I knew why." Shortly afterward, a great shiver ran down his spine. "I'm shivering? When was the last time I did th-… oh no… it can't be…"

"Squall! Is that you Squall!" yelled an uncomfortably familiar voice from behind him.

All of the men turned around, two of the three happy to see what they did. Not too far away, Quistis, Selphie, and Rinoa waved at their male companions.

"Selphie!" yelled Irvine.

"Quistis!" yelled Zell.

Squall sighed. "Rinoa…"

From behind Rinoa, Angelo appeared and barked. "Arf!"

"…and her little dog too. God I hate that mutt."

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A few days later in Balamb Garden, as the party prepares to head toward Esthar via Fisherman's Horizon…

"How's she doing?" Zell asked the nurse.

She shook her head. "We still can't determine why Rinoa is in a coma. She's in perfect physical condition aside from a few blade and gunshot scars here and there on her body."

At the mention of this, Squall's eyes wandered about the room suspiciously.

The nurse continued. "Furthermore, for some reason, her IV tube keeps getting cut and the life support machine is constantly being unplugged.

Again, Squall's eyes wandered about the room suspiciously.

It was then that Quistis decided to speak up. "This makes things difficult. We have to get to Esthar but we have to bring Rinoa with us. As such, we're going to get there by foot… and Squall…" She pointed at the young warrior. "You're going to carry her on your back."

Squall nearly vomited. "Ugh! Why?"

"Because you're supposed to."

"Says who!"

From a nearby table, Quistis picked up what looked like a rather large booklet with the word 'Script' written across the front of it and flipped through its pages. Finding the spot she wanted, she handed it to Squall, allowing him to read what she had flipped to.

He quickly scanned the text of the booklet, looking for what Quistis was talking about. A moment later, he looked up with utter disgust on his face. "Horse sh-"

A few minutes later on the tracks to Isthar…

"This sucks," complained Squall. "Why do I gotta drag Rinoa's sorry butt around like this? The others could have at least waited for me. Hmph." He shook his head and continued walking. "Man, you're a lot heavier than you look," he said to the comatose Rinoa. "I need a break."

He dropped Rinoa gracelessly from his back and stretched his limbs. It was then that he had released what he had done: he had dropped Rinoa to the ground without so much as trying to cushion her fall. A wicked thought crossed his mind then. "Heh… the script may say that I have to carry her down the tracks, but that doesn't mean I can't have fun while I'm doing it."

Whistling happily, Squall slung Rinoa across his right shoulder and began to walk again. About every minute or so, he would drop Rinoa like a rock and stretch out. Every time he did, he would mockingly say "Oops," with a sly smile on his face. Doing this, his trip to Esthar became far more enjoyable.

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A few days later in the escape pod leaving Lunar Base…

Irvine shook his head from the safety of his harness in the escape pod. "This can't be happening. Everything that could've gone wrong at Lunar Base did go wrong. Adel is going to be revived and Rinoa's going to die alone and afraid in space. This can't possibly get any worse." To his right, Squall could be heard chuckling to himself. "Huh? What's gotten into him? The stress must've finally caught up to him."

Squall just couldn't hide his overwhelming joy. Even Adel's revival couldn't dim this moment for him. There was absolutely no way that Rinoa could survive this situation. She was dead for sure this time and there was no way her stupid dog could save her. Once Adel was taken care of, he could truly live in peace and happiness. "I've done it!" he said to himself. "I've finally won! Woo-hoo!"

As he was busy celebrating with himself, the locks on Squall's harness were un-done and Squall could feel himself being pulled out of his alcove. "Huh? What's going on here?"

Meanwhile, on the other side of the tv screen…

A young man sat alone in the cold, damp basement of his mother's house, the armpit areas of his "I love Rinoa!" t-shirt stained with the grime of several days without bathing. Seeing Squall's negative thought balloons, he knew he had to act and act quickly if he was going to save his beloved Rinoa.

"Oh no you don't Mr. Leonhart! You're going to save Rinoa and you're going to like, nay, love it!" he squeaked. Moving his callused fingers with great expertise, he did his best to force Squall to do his bidding via his custom-made Rinoa Heartily PS1 controller.

On the tv screen, another thought balloon popped up: "Why are you doing this to me?"

The young man giggled (yes… giggled). "Because I refuse to let my true love Rinoa Heartily die, and since I can't be there to save here, you'll just have to do it for me!"

Another message: "What have I done to deserve this!"

The young man giggled again as he popped a handful of extra salty potato chips into his mouth. "You were born!" he yelled as he moved Squall over to Ellone.

On the other side of the screen…

"No! Damnit! Why!" cried Squall as he neared Ellone. Struggled as he did, he could not resist the overwhelming power of 'The Gamer' and his mighty 'Controller'. "I can't allow myself to be dominated like this!"

Mustering every last ounce of strength in his body, he pulled himself away from the now confused Ellone and toward the escape latch of the pod. "I'd rather die in space than have to rescue her!" he cried to himself in his mind and to 'The Gamer'.

At that moment, Squall could've sworn he heard maniacal laughter as he was once again pulled towards Ellone. This was it. There was no escape now. He had lost.

Against his will, his features became twisted with concern. "Hey Ellone, I need to save Rinoa…"

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A day later at the Lunatic Pandora…

"Who the hell are you?" asked Squall.

The great sorceress smiled as she held Rinoa captive. "I am the sorceress Adel."

Irvine took a step back in disbelief. "You're Adel!" He paused. "You're a lot uglier than I thought."

She waved Rinoa at him. "Silence mere human. Once I absorb all of Rinoa's energy, I'll be unstoppable!" she then waved Rinoa at the entire party. "And there's nothing any of you can do to stop me!"

Fight!

"Hahaha!" cackled Adel. "You wouldn't dare strike me as long as your friend is shielding me!"

Squall grinned as he loaded fresh cartridges into his gunblade. "Lady, you obviously don't know me very well." Spinning the cylinder, he popped it back into place, took aim at the sorceress, fired once.

Moving quickly, Adel placed Rinoa in the way of the bullet, allowing it to strike the young woman in the thigh. "Ha! What did I just tell you? You'll kill your friend if you keep this up."

Squall looked down so he could hide the look of joy on his face. "Gee lady, I think you've figured me out." Taking aim again, he fired another bullet. Again, Adel threw Rinoa in the way and the bullet struck her in the forearm.

"What are you doing Squall!" asked Selphie frantically. "You're gonna kill Rinoa!"

Squall sighed. "Relax, she'll live. She's been through a lot worse than this. Besides, uh…" He thought for a moment and grinned. "If we don't stop Adel now, she's going to kill Rinoa anyway, so what choice do we have?" Forcing the biggest fake show of concern ever in the history of mankind, he forced a few tears from his eyes as he said, "We have to do this for Rinoa! After all, she would want us to do everything in our power to stop Adel!"

Quistis was beside herself in disbelief. "Squall, that… that sounds so noble. You're right. She would want us to stop Adel."

Zell nodded. "Yeah. We need to stop Adel… for Rinoa."

Squall laughed madly in his mind while keeping the fake concern act up. "Then follow me my friends. We will kill Rinoa, I mean, uh… Adel… yeah." A short pause followed. "Everyone! Prepare your Guardian Forces!"

Everyone nodded and stepped forward, presenting their personal Guardian Forces as they did so.

"Shiva!" yelled Quistis.

"Siren!" yelled Selphie.

"Ifrit!" yelled Zell.

"Alexander!" yelled Irvine.

"Bahamut!" yelled Squall.

Adel almost shrank when they saw the resolve on their faces. Regardless of Rinoa's safety, they really were going to waste her. "Y-you can't be serious!" she cried.

Even above the noise of summoning the Guardian Forces, Adel could hear Squall saw quietly, "Good riddance to two pieces of bad rubbish." Waving a free hand in the air, Squall gave the command to fire and with it came a dazzling display of arcane power that completely leveled not only Adel but also, to Squall's delight, Rinoa.

When the smoke cleared, Adel was nowhere to be found and Rinoa was lying on the ground in a charred and smoking heap. Everyone save for Squall fell to their knees and wept for their departed friend.

"Oh Rinoa…" said Quistis.

"No…" said Selphie.

"Why…" said Zell.

Irvine tipped his hat downward in a show of respect. "Poor girl."

Squall jumped up and down in victory and made no effort to hide his joy. "Woo-hoo! We beat Rinoa!"

"Err… don't you mean Adel?" asked Irvine.

Squall paused. "Uh, yeah, of course, umm… yay… we beat Adel." He clapped mockingly twice. "Well, it looks like our work here is done. Now all we have to do is-"

"Arf!"

"…oh no," said Squall unbelievingly. "It can't be!"

As if on cue, Angelo appeared out of seemingly nowhere with a large bag hanging out of its mouth. Upon reaching its master, it opened the bag and poured the contents on Rinoa. From the bag fell seemingly every recovery item under the sun from a potion to a phoenix pinion. Just as she always seemed to do in the past, Rinoa rose from her grave unscathed as if nothing had ever happened to her.

"You're alive!" cried everyone but Squall as they rose to their feet.

Rinoa waved to everyone and fixed her loving eyes on Squall. "You saved me Squall! Thank you so much!"

Squall fell to his knees and began to sob. "Why! WHY!"

"Arf!" barked Angelo.

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Nearly a week later after the defeat of Ultimecia…

Rinoa and Squall walked through a vast field of flowers hand-in-hand. To Rinoa, there was no greater joy in the world than to be with her stud-muffin. Her dreams of late had been filled of visions of a happy future with a wonderful home and seven children. To Squall, there was no worse hell in the world. A victim of 'The Script', he knew he'd be damned to an eternal union with Rinoa that would result in a shared home and seven children produced between them. To make things worse, he knew he'd be stuck with her damned dog as well.

"Squall?" asked Rinoa dreamily.

Squall wiped away a few of his pain-induced tears. "W-what?"

"Do you love me?"

He sighed hopelessly. "I don't have a choice, do I?"

She giggled. "Silly Squall." She let go of his hands and began to prance in the flowers in front of him. "La la la! Come on Angelo! Let's go play for a minute! My cutie-pie Squall looks a little tired."

"Arf!" barked Angelo as it went to join it's master

Squall fell down into the flowers and shook his head. "I feel so hopeless now. Why do I have to go through this? I save the world and this is the thanks I get." He sighed again. "What am I supposed to do now…"

"Wark!"

"Wark?" asked Squall. "That sounds like a chocobo."

Upon saying this, a chocobo galloped happily past a giggling Rinoa and barking Angelo. "A chocobo!" she cried. "How cute!"

Her back turned, she never had a chance to notice the wild stampede of chocobos that not only took her out but Angelo as well. Squall looked on in utter disbelief and amazement as they were crushed for with them went the eternal damnation that he had been condemned with. When the stampede passed, Squall neither moved nor spoke, afraid that this was just too good to be true. Moments passed like hours as he waited and yet neither Angelo or Rinoa moved. He smiled and jumped in complete joy. "It's over!" he cried. "My torment is over! There really is such a thing as a happy ending." Happy beyond words, Squall plucked a few flowers from the fertile earth and skipped away happily. "La la la!"

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Alternate ending #1:

The distance between himself and Rinoa and Angelo grew more and more as she pranced away. At one point, she turned around and looked at Squall. "Hey Squall?"

"What?" asked Squall in disgust.

She scratched her head. "Call me crazy-"

"I've called you worse, believe me," muttered Squall.

"…but I think I hear a train whistle."

As soon as she said this, a thirty car train complete with engine and caboose fell from the sky and crushed the unsuspecting Rinoa and Angelo under its massive weight. Startled by this unexpected development, Squall ran over to where the train had crashed into the ground. Seemingly unperturbed by the fact that a train just fell from the sky, Squall's only concern was the fate of Rinoa and Angelo. He searched for nearly thirty minutes before he come to the joyous conclusion that he was finally rid of Rinoa and her stupid dog.

He walked to the engine and patted the rusted iron twice. "Y'know… I think I've taken a sudden interest in trains. Trains rule."

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Alternate ending #2:

He did nothing but mope for the entire half-hour that Rinoa decided to prance around with Angelo. Satisfied with herself, she went back over to the weeping Squall and brought him back to his feet. Up and about once again, Squall allowed himself to be dragged around again. Not wanting to be left behind, Angelo quickly rejoined the couple at Rinoa's left side.

"So… what do ya wanna do now Squall?" asked Rinoa.

"Die," replied Squall.

She giggled. "You're so funny. I bet you- whoa!"

Rinoa never saw the gigantic hell-pit that she fell into before it was too late and with her fell her faithful hound. Luckily for Squall, he had been just two inches to the right of the hell-pit. Unbelieving, he looked down the pit and witnessed Rinoa and Angelo fall into the sun-hot ocean of lava below.

Squall paused and looked at the field of flowers around him then back at the hell-pit. He repeated this process several times before finally shrugging his shoulders. "Who'da thunkit?" he asked no one in particular as he walked away.

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Alternate ending #3:

Rinoa hummed happily as she twirled around in the flowers, Angelo hopping around her all the while. At one point, Angelo wandered away without Rinoa noticing. Something must have caught it attention, but at the moment, Squall didn't give a crap one way or the other.

Eventually, Rinoa took notice of Angelo's absence and looked around for him. "Angelo? Where are you Angelo?"

And then, the unexpected happened (bet you never saw that comin', huh?)

In style similar to that of Sephiroth, Seifer fell from the sky and drove his gunblade through the back of Rinoa. She never had a chance to say anything else before she fell to the ground, gunblade in her back.

Squall stood up abruptly, unsure of what to think.

Seifer pointed at Squall. "I felt bad about the fact the she was stuck with you, so I came here to set things right."

Squall nodded in approval but froze in terror when he realized that he had forgotten something. "Wait a minute! Where's Angelo? It's going to-"

Seifer held up a hand and then pointed over to Fujin and Raijin who were tending to a grill. "Look over there," he commanded.

Fujin flipped a piece of meat with a spatula as she looked at Squall. "COOK."

Raijin nodded happily as he patted his stomach. "Dog tastes like chicken, ya know?"

Squall smiled genuinely for the first time in what seemed like years. "That's just too awesome for words." He then looked at Seifer. "Best friends forever!"

They slapped a high-five and went over to the grill to grab some food.

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Yay! So ends easily my longest one-shot ever! As you can tell, I passionately despise Rinoa Heartily, easily the worst RPG character ever. So what did everyone think? I hoped all of my fellow Rinoa haters out there liked it as well as anyone else that was just looking for something fun to read. Oh, and to anyone who leaves a review, could you please let me know which of the four endings you liked the best. Thank you so much for reading this and I hoped you had as much fun reading this as I had writing it.