Title: It Cuts My Heart

Disclaimer: Gravitation does not belong to me. It belongs to the amazing manga-ka Murakami Maki!

Rating: probably the most mature. M, right?

Warnings: there are a lot of warnings considering the title says 'cuts' in it so my story has to do with cutting, definitely YAOI, mega depressing, and some abuse……beware for the fictitious-ness of everything I'm writing

Author's Note: I'm like a beginner at stories but that doesn't mean your comments can be lenient. Give me all you got and constructive criticism is a must!

first cut

"Come here, Shu-chan, "Yuki Uesugi, my lover, whispered.

I blushed and entered Yuki's bedroom.

I grinned like a Cheshire cat gallantly walking toward N-G Studios, where I work and rehearse for my band Bad Luck. My facial features instantly froze as soon as K, my recent manager aimed his metal gun against my forehead. I knew he wasn't going to kill me but the thought still lingers through my mind.

Hiro Nakano, my best mate and the guitarist in the band was currently lying back in the leather swivel chair with his legs propped up against the cold granite conference table.

"Hey Shuichi, what's gotcha so happy? Yuki played doctor on you?"

I bit my lip, failing to hide the grin on my face.

"Whatever, Shindou. Could we please just get to rehearsing right now," Suguru complained.

What a sob. Suguru Fujisaki was so BORING. How could he be younger than me?

CRASH. Some of our lyrics fell off while Yuki was still on the tip of my brain. Oh no……

"SHINDOU-SAN, COULD YOU PLEASE STOP DAYDREAMING AND GO REHEARSE. WE WON'T BE ABLE TO MAKE A CD WITH ALL THIS SLACKING. MAYBE IT'S MY FAULT….IM A BAD PERSON!"

And then there was Sakano-san, I think he's like the director or producer…no matter. He is super worrisome and volatile. He's crying while yelling at me….he kinda creeps me out but I feel guilty for not paying attention.

"I'm sorry Sakano-san. It's not your fault! It was my fault. I'm to blame."

My guilt was weighing down my heart and I suddenly burst into tears. Now we were both crying. I don't think I'm good enough for this band. All I could think about was Yuki. Maybe he could cheer me up.

I arrived home later than usual and I was super duper tired. Just the thought of Yuki a few feet away from me made my tired self vanish and made me harden.

"YUKI! I'm home," I yelled. Silence. No response.

"Yuki?"

How about if he was kidnapped? Maybe by an eccentric fan girl? I shuddered. It felt really cold without him and my heart felt like it was getting ripped and numb.

The blonde hottie appeared in the hall, taking out a pack of cigarettes. "Could you make a louder voice without the banshees?"

I was instantly filled with joy and relief that Yuki wasn't hurt or anything. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. But not before I glomped him and nuzzled his beautiful soft neck.

"Jeez, brat, trying to kill me?"

"Oh Yuki, I missed you so much! I thought a crazy fan girl might've kidnapped you," I cried. Tears were willing to come out for the second time of the day.

"You're such a baka."

Now they were spilling out like a water fountain. Yuki got up and straightened out his attire. I looked up with tears brimming. Was he going to pull me up?

No. He went back in his office. I am a baka.

The next day after rehearsal, I went home routinely. In some fashion, after I get sad or angry, sooner or later Yuki will apologize…..by fucking me. I think it's his way of saying he didn't mean it and I know how hard it was for him to show emotion.

We just made love. It was beautiful but sometimes I think that he could apologize…not so sexually. I hope with all my heart that he can someday break from his emotion-barrier…..

Anyways, we were going out to shop for some 'decent' clothes for me specially requested by my dear Yuki. It was strange because he usually doesn't go out with me. The several quick dates but he would never go shop for some clothes for me.

I wore some leather shorts and a red tang top. Then, I put on one leather glove with holes for every finger to go through. Disguise it with a baseball cap, put on some small black boots and VA-WALA.

Yuki looked so tantalizing in his almost see-through white t-shirt. And those pants made me droooooooool. He put on his black sunglasses covering up his gorgeous eyes as his disguise.

The store we went to was so…conservative. I was so disappointed. But, I'll to anything to please my Yuki.

I tried on some black pants while Yuki waited for me to finish up. The bad thing was that the pants would not close. I even inhaled until I think I couldn't breathe. How come these pants wouldn't close? Did I gain weight?

I looked at myself from the full length mirror. It did look like I had a lot of fat…

Then I tried the next pair. They didn't fit either nor were they comfortable.

By the third apparel of pants, I vowed to lose some weight.

"You look like a whale, Shu."

I turned around to find that Yuki was peering at me. Was he here the whole time?

"Hello…..earth to brat boy….whatever…let's go home. I'm tired of this shit. I need my ciggs."

When Yuki opened the door to the house, he went to his bedroom. Maybe he needed rest from all that waiting in the cloth store. Or maybe…he's tired of me. Was he disgusted with how I looked when I tried those pants?

I went to the kitchen to get some pocky. Stood on the stool and reached for the cabinet. I held on to the knob and paused. Wait. Didn't I say I was going to lose weight? Are pocky fattening?

I hoped they weren't. I needed to know.

I ran to Yuki's bedroom.

"Yuki?" He was like a lump of log. He didn't move an inch.

"Yuki?" He was stirring a little.

"Yu-"

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT, DAMN BRAT!"

Surprising was to say the least. His eyes were full of rage…and hatred. Was all that emotion directed toward me?

I was so shocked, I've almost forgot why I was in his room in the first place. Oh right. Pocky. What a baka I am.

"Um…Y-Yuki? I-Is p-p-pocky fattening?"

Yuki seemed distracted and said, "…Yea…you better stop stuffing your face with all that sugary crap or you might bring the Meiji company outta business. I'd probably wouldn't want you after that."

My mind froze. He wouldn't want me? Is it that he only likes it when I have a skinny figure? No wonder we haven't been having sex as much as before…..

I didn't even know I walked out of his room. Did he say something after that? Probably not. Now I'm a fat, unappealing baka.

Does he love me or my body?

R&R. This will hopefully speed up. Are you ready to check the second chapter second cut?