Disclaimer: I would like to blame someone else for this . . . nonjon is a handy target.
X-Ray Specs
Harry walked down to the great hall and sat at the Gryffindor table, ignoring the stares at his attire. Grabbing a roll of bread he began to eat, racking his mind for a way to wake up from this strange dream he was having.
The collected students of Hogwarts stared in shock as the Boy-Who-Lived, walked into the Great Hall wearing a pair of green spandex pants, a pink cape, a blue turban, and a large purple cod piece. How did this strange event come to take place? Well it all started when . . .
"What are those?" Hermione asked staring at the odd glasses on the eccentric young Ravenclaw's face.
"They're a pair of x-ray specs that father found for sale in the back of a muggle magazine. The add said that they could be used to look through a person's clothing, but for some reason they wouldn't do that when they came." Luna replied, not mentioning that she had solved that problem with a couple of spells.
"Luna," Hermione said in a superior tone. "Those things . . . never mind."
"Ok," Luna said. She was going to ask Hermione where she got that underwear, black lace really suited the other girl."
"Hey guys," Harry greeted the group as he walked into the compartment. "How was everyone's summer."
"Oh my." Luna's eyes widened in shock and she began to drool, "it's almost as big as my arm."
"Say what now?" Harry looked at the odd girl oddly.
Luna's eyes glazed and she started emitting strange giggles . . . but since it was Luna, no one gave the incident any further thought.
The group got to the school and the sorting was no different then it was in any other year except for the fact that Luna insisted on sitting across from Harry. Some remarked at how odd it was that the girl focused on the patch of table directly to Harry's front, others thought it strange that she didn't eat or blink, and still others thought her constant giggles were not something that could come from a well adjusted human. The rest just explained that it was just Luna and no one gave the matter any further thought.
The days began to pass and the school's male population was starting to worry that there was some strange virus that was affecting the female population. It started slow, the girls began traveling in packs. They would talk about something in whispers and then hush up whenever Harry or any other boy got close enough to hear. Their eyes began to glaze and they began giggling and people began getting concerned that this was some new trick by the Dark Lord.
"May I have a moment of your time Mr. Potter?" The school nurse took Harry aside and fixed him with a stern glare.
"Um . . . sure," Harry agreed. "Is this because I haven't spent any time in the hospital wing this year?"
"No Mr. Potter, this is about something else." The Healer replied, "I don't know why you did it but I have to tell you that casting enlargement charms on parts of your body is not healthy."
"Enlargement charms?" Harry asked in confusion, "what enlargement charms?"
"You know very well what I'm talking about," the nurse replied.
"Um," Harry looked down to inspect himself. "No?"
"Very well then, we'll do this the hard way . . . this might hurt a bit." The nurse pulled out her wand and began the complex counter charm, "nothing happened."
"Um . . . no?" Harry inspected himself again, "was there a point to all this?"
"Nothing happened?" The nurse was going into shock.
"I'll just be going then." Harry was sad to see that his favorite nurse had gone insane, but there was no way that he was going to stick around to see what she was going to do next.
The news of the results of Harry's 'test' spread through the school like wild fire, and the effect was as explosive as a stick of dynamite.
"Hey Harry," Hermione said with a sultry grin as she approached her oldest friend. "Wanna go find somewhere secluded to . . . study?"
"Um . . . that's ok," Harry said quickly. "I've got . . . something . . . else . . . to . . . do?"
"Pity," the girl said as her eyes undressed him. "Maybe later."
"Right then," Harry backed away and then broke into a run as soon as he was out of sight.
"Hi Harry." Ginny came across Harry's latest hiding place. "You look cold . . . why don't we warm things up?"
"I like being cold," Harry replied nervously. "Bye."
"Damn," Ginny said as she watched Harry run away.
Harry ran through the school searching for a place to hide.
"Hello Harry," Luna called out in greeting.
"Luna," Harry said in relief. She wasn't crazy like the other girls . . .ok so she was crazy, but not in the same way as the other girls were.
"Would you like to have sex?" Luna asked with a grin.
"Why don't we postpone that," Harry shouted over his shoulder as he fled in terror.
"Oh poo . . .I guess I was too subtile," Luna said in frustration.
Harry spent several minutes hiding in one of the empty classrooms before the solution came to him . . .Dobby, Dobby would help him. Good old Dobby, he'd know a place Harry could hide.
"Dobby," Harry called out quietly.
"Yes Harry Potter sir?" Dobby asked with a grin.
"Do you know a place where I can hide from the girls?"
"Yes Harry Potter sir," Dobby said with an enthusiastic nod. "Dobby knows."
"Could you show me?" Harry asked hopefully.
"Dobby could," Dobby agreed taking Harry by the hand. "Come this way Harry Potter sir."
Dobby led Harry through a blinding array of passages until finally the reached a room with a large circular rotating bed and a mirror on the ceiling.
"Thanks Dobby, I owe you one." Harry said with a relieved sigh.
"No you don't Harry Potter sir," Dobby disagreed. "Bye Harry Potter sir."
Dobby popped out and reappeared in front of a large group of girls.
"Well?" Hermione demanded.
"Dobby put him there," Dobby agreed. "Now where is Dobby's payment?"
"Two dozen pairs of silk socks," Luna said as she handed over a large briefcase. "You remembered to stock to place with replenishing and energy potions?"
"Dobby did all that and more," the little house elf said quickly.
"Thank you Dobby," the girls cheered.
"Before we go," Hermione said. "I heard you say that you could help Harry . . . I thought House elves couldn't lie?"
"Dobby said that he could," the house elf agreed. "Dobby never said that he would."
"That satisfies my curiosity," Hermione shouted as she led the pack of ravenous girls to Harry's hidden location. "Thanks again Dobby."
Three days later, Harry came to an inescapable conclusion. "This must all be a dream," the boy mused to himself. "No way this could happen in real life. And if this is a dream . . . then I can do whatever I want."
And so we come back to the beginning of our tale, Harry began dressing in odd clothes because what the hell . . . it was a dream, he could do whatever he wanted. No one ever corrected his notion due to their extreme fear of what Harry's pack of girls would do to them and they all lived happily ever after . . . until Voldemort attacked.
"Die everyone," the Dark Lord called out his unoriginal line.
"You again?" Harry said in exasperation, "well why don't I just take care of you."
"Take care of me?" Voldemort asked in astonishment.
"Yeah," Harry agreed. "This is a dream, so I can do anything I want." With that, Harry shot fire out of his mouth and burned the dark lord alive. "That was fun . . . let's do it again." Harry called out, and so with a snap of his fingers the dark lord was resurrected. "This time . . . ice." Harry waved his hand and the dark lord was frozen alive, a stray gust of wind send the poor man crashing into the ground and the dark lord shattered into a thousand pieces. Harry spent the next four and a half hours killing and resurrecting the dark lord in front of the shocked mass of Hogwarts' students and staff. After the first two hours, the Aurors showed up and began cheering. The reporters were next and the Minister was last. All watched in shock as the 'boy-who-lived-to-torture-voldemort' tortured Voldemort.
"Well . . . that was fun for a while, but it's gotten old." Harry said with a yawn, "I think I'll get back to my new room . . . later everyone."
Harry's act changed the world, no more did people have to fear Voldemort . . .now they had to fear Harry. It was the wizarding world after all and they all feared anyone with more power, that is a fanfic thing isn't it? Anyway . . . as I was saying, they feared Harry but they were also all cowards (another fanfiction thing) so they didn't do anything about it. And they all lived happily ever after . . . until Harry realised it wasn't all a dream but by then it was too late.
And now you know, the rest of the story.
AN: I've had this idea for long time, finally got around to writing it after being inspired by the works of another author . . . which one you ask? Read the disclaimer.
Edit: Fangalla Marie and Eppy the House Elf are responsible for the idea of making Harry a tripod, couldn't remember where I got that idea. I need more sleep.