Let it go
Spoilers: 3.18 Bait (Set directly after the episode)
Disclaimer: Don't own anything, not being paid.
Rating: T
A/N: Huge thanks to Cha Oseye Tempest Thrain and Kate98 for betaing. Set directly after Bait.

Somewhere into his fifth slice of pizza, Tony felt his heart begin to pound. He paused for a second, before taking another bite and chewing slowly, trying to ignore the fact that the pizza now tasted like cardboard and stuck in his throat. He laughed when the others laughed at some joke that Abby had made, before putting the slice of pizza down.

"Excuse me, ladies, Probie," he said with an exaggerated air of importance. "Nature calls."

"We really didn't need to know that, Tony," Ziva said, as he got up.

"What you don't want to hold my hand...or something else?" He waggled his eyebrows suggestively, wiped his suddenly damp hands on his pants, and moved around his desk.

"In your dreams, Tony."

He walked away with a forced swagger, which he kept up until he was in the corridor that led to the bathrooms. He was breathing fast, sweating, but also felt chilled, and his dinner was threatening a return appearance. He rushed the last several yards, didn't even attempt to close the cubicle door, before he threw up into the toilet bowl. He felt his legs give out under him, and he unceremoniously hit the floor, making sure to keep his head over the bowl. His vision grew spotty for a few moments, before returning to normal.

Logically, he knew it was a delayed reaction from the events of the day. He'd had reactions like this in the past. He could have ordered that kid killed. All the other kids in the classroom could have been killed. Hell, depending on what was in the bomb, any time he had been in the corridor outside the room, he, or any of the sniper team, could have been killed.

Gibbs could have been killed.

He couldn't deal with someone else dying. He was still finding it hard enough to deal with Kate's death. Or not deal, as he usually did. When he said that Gibbs knew the boy's mother was dead, because Agent Caitlin Todd was dead, it had hurt more than he'd expected. It was still an open wound.

The seconds when he'd been making the decision - whether to take the shot or not - had seemed to stretch into eternity. He went through every scenario, every outcome he could think of that was possible, and some that were improbable, before going with his gut feeling. The kid was just a kid. He didn't want to hurt anybody; whatever had pushed him into doing it, and it did turn out that he had been pushed, he really didn't want to be there. The kid was just as scared as the agents were.

After he had made the decision, he allowed one brief moment of 'what if I'm wrong?' before resolutely pushing those thoughts to the back of his mind. The problem being, that they now came crashing back down on him. In technicolour. He'd seen enough in his time as a cop and at NCIS to easily fill in what the scene could look like. If the bomb had gone off, if they had shot the kid… dead bodies everywhere, blood staining the tables and chairs, the room in ruins. His gut instinct could have been wrong. How could he have lived with himself if it was?

It felt like he had nothing left to throw up, but he kept on retching, feeling himself starting to drift away. The hand on his shoulder felt like it was ten feet behind him, the voice saying his name felt like it was in another room. He drifted, the black spots filled his vision, and he was lying on the floor, his feet resting on the toilet seat. A hand gently slapped his face, and the same voice as before was calling his name.

"Boss?" he said weakly, suddenly realising what he had been doing and the smell that pervaded the air. It triggered his gagging reflex again and Gibbs quickly flushed the toilet, before lifting him up to lean over it again. His head spun and he retched into the bowl, noting that only bile was coming up.

"It's okay, DiNozzo. Just let it out."

The softly spoken words brought a sob up out of his throat and he started shaking more than he had been.

"Just let it go."

A hand rubbed gently at his back and he let it all go.