Intro: Donna & Jackie are sitting on the Forman's front porch. It's very cold. They are

both shivering.

Jackie: I can't believe my top came off! In front of the entire bar!

Donna: I know. It was pretty embarrassing.

Jackie: Well, yeah. But more importantly, I just can't believe I wasn't mobbed! It's one

thing to see Jackie Burkhart fully clothed. But topless? That's got to hurt all of the ugo's

feelings.

Donna: (sarcastically) Wow, I never thought of it like that. We could have been part of a

real bar brawl! (rolls eyes)

(Jackie nods in agreement)

Donna: You know, Jackie. As appalled as I was to see you drunk and acting like a

complete moron in front of a lot of people, I'm kind of glad that you were so gung-ho

about getting out there and being your own person.

Jackie: Yeah. And when I meet the perfect guy, then I'll REALLY be my own person.

Donna: But that's just it. You don't need a guy to tell you who you are. You need to

look deep within yourself to find the real Jackie.

Jackie: I know the real Jackie! She's cute, fun loving, perky, and hates every guy who

has ever cheated on her!

Donna: What?

Jackie: Did I mention that she's cute?

Donna: Well, that's not exactly what I, (pause) whatever. Man it's cold. (Looks up) Is...is it

sleeting?

(Camera pans out to see Red standing above them spraying them with ice chips from a

blender).

Red: Get off my damn porch!

(They leave. Red laughs to himself).

Red: Damn freeloaders.

(Off screen) Kitty: Red! Where's my Margarita?

Red: Oh, cripes.

Opening credits start.

Act I:

Scene 1: Forman basement. Samantha is doing her laundry while wearing really, short

shorts. Kelso and Fez stare at her behind the couch. Hyde is in his room.

Fez: (whispering to Kelso) Ooh, Kelso look. When she bends over you can actually see

her butt cheeks. (Pause) Her sweet, round, milky-white butt cheeks! (He moves closer

to try and grab them).

Kelso: (grabs Fez by the arms). Damn Fez! What are you doing? That's our friend's

wife. It's not like Hyde would do that to us.

Fez: Didn't he steal Jackie from you?

Kelso: Huh, good point. Game on! (He moves towards Samantha)

Fez: (grabs Kelso's arm) Wait, me first!

Kelso: Hey, until Hyde sleeps with Big Rhonda or breaks Caroline out of the mental

ward, you're stuck in Not-Gettn'-Any-Land.

Fez: Candy Land?

Kelso: Not for you pal. (Moves in on Samantha by the dryer) So, Samantha, it's a well-

known fact that once you dive into the Kelso love pool

Samantha: (cutting him off) You drown?

Kelso: No.

Samantha: You get stomach cramps?

Kelso: No. (getting frustrated)

Samantha: You get a girl pregnant and leave her in Chicago?

Kelso: No!

Fez: No, actually she's right.

Kelso: Hey! (To Fez) Which side are you on anyway?

Fez: Not yours you cruel bastard! I will get some! Oh yes, I will get some. Now, good

day.

Kelso: But Fez

Fez: I said good day!

(Kelso leaves)

Samantha: Wow. Hyde was right about him. He will hit on anything that moves! (Not

realizing what she just said)

Fez: Yes, it's very sad. Unlike me, who will only hit on hot blonde whores in short

shorts. Now, let's talk.

Hyde: (comes from his room) Fez, stop hitting on my stripper, girlfriend, girl, uh,

whatever! Just don't do it in front of me!

Samantha: Oh baby. You really do care for me! (She grabs the side of his cheek).

Hyde: (Uncomfortable) Uh, whatever. I'm out of here.

Samantha: Will you be home for dinner? I was planning on wearing that naughty stewardess outfit again to recapture the 1st time we met!

Hyde: Yeah, well I'm going to be out all night. I got this thing with this guy and then

we're going to do some stuff.

Samantha: (With a ditzy expression) Sounds like fun!

(Hyde just stares at her then leaves)

Fez: (To Samantha) Now, where were we. Uh yes. I believe you were going to serve

me my complimentary beverage. (Big smile) Plenty of ice please. (Winks at her)

(Samantha gives him a weird look then carries the laundry basket into Hyde's room).

Fez: Friendly skies my ass!

Scene 2: Red's sweeping the garage. Bob comes from his house.

Bob: Hey there! Hi there! Ho

Red: (cutting him off) Bob! Can't you greet a man like a REAL man?

Bob: What do you mean, Red?

Red: You know, like "Hey guy." Or, "What the hell are you doing here?" See?

Bob: Huh, ok but I think that my way has a lot more pizzazz! (Puts his hands wide open by his

face).

Red: (whispering to himself) That's the problem.

Bob: Anyway, I was wondering if you and Kitty could come over tonight. I have a

really big surprise and I wanted to share it with you both!

Red: Why would you think I would want to share anything with you?

Bob: Please Red? It would mean a lot to me. I might cry if you say no.

Red: Oh geez. Fine. But if you start singing, I'm out of there!

Bob: Thanks Red! Just come by the house around 7:30. Oh, and bring a camera.

Midgey took ours when she left. I think she thought it was a viewfinder from our trip to

Disney World.

Red: (rolls his eyes) Bye Bob. (Bob leaves)

Kitty: (comes out from the kitchen) What was that all about?

Red: Oh, Bob wants us to go over there tonight. He has some sort of surprise.

Unless, (getting excited) there's something else we need to do tonight? Is there?

Something?

Kitty: No. I think this sounds real exciting! Ooh, l wonder what the surprise is! I feel

like Sherlock Holmes trying to solve a case.

Fade to fantasy sequence: The setting is an old mansion lit only by candlelight. Kitty is

dressed like Sherlock Holmes and is observing the bookcase in the corner with a

magnifying glass. Kelso is dressed up as Watson (Sherlock's assistant) and Fez is a hunched over and wearing

a robe.

Kitty (Sherlock): Hmm. I wonder where the mystery lies. Maybe behind one of these

books?

Kelso (Watson): Or maybe, one of these books sets off a secret passageway.

Kitty (Sherlock): Good point Watson.

Fez (Hunchback): I'll grab one of the books for you master.

Kelso (offset to Fez): Fez? What are you doing? Who are you supposed to be?

Fez (offset to Kelso): I'm Igor. Dr. Frankenstein's loyal assistant. Duh!

Kelso (offset to Fez): But we're doing Sherlock not Frankenstein!

Fez (offset to Kelso): But I'm Igor!

Kelso (offset to Fez): But Fez,

Fez (offset to Kelso): I said Igor!

Kitty (to both): Oh will you two just can it already!

Kelso (Watson): Sorry sir. I mean ma'am. Igor, take one of the books.

Fez (Igor): (eerie sounding) Yes, master.

(He takes a book and the bookcase moves slightly to reveal an open passageway with

Bob standing their naked with a sponge and shower cap on).

Bob: Hey there folks!

Fez (Igor): Ai! Wrong book. (He puts the book back and closes the door).

Kitty (Sherlock): Oh you two are the worst helpers I have ever seen!

Kelso (Watson): (yelling) Hey! There's no need to be mean! I solve all of your

mysteries for you anyway!

Kitty (Sherlock): Oh yeah? Then how is that I can see the killer right now behind you

and he's ready to attack you! (A butler appears behind Kelso with a knife).

Kelso (Watson): Whatever. There's no way I'm going to turn around because I know

you're just messing with me.

Fez (Igor): (notices the butler) Uh, Watson? You might want to turn around.

Kelso (Watson): (ignoring Fez) Besides, I'm too good looking to kill. I mean, who's

going to populate the world with beautiful people when I'm gone!

(Just then, the Butler moves in to attack. Fez jumps in to help. All we see are shadows

and a struggle. Camera pans out to Kitty).

Kitty (Sherlock): It's elementary my dear Watson.

Fantasy ends. Kitty and Red are still in the driveway. Red looks bored.

Red: That's the dumbest thing I ever...(sees Kitty getting upset) I mean, good story

honey.

Kitty: Thank you. (Turns to leave then faces Red again). By the way, have you seen my

glasses? I've been looking all over for them.

Red: (rolling his eyes as he sees them on her head) No I haven't. But being that you're

Sherlock, I know you will find them soon! (Smiles at her while she leaves then shakes

his head).

Act II:

Scene 3: Grooves Record Store. The place has a couple of customers and Leo is behind

the register. Hyde walks in.

Leo: Hey man. Thank God you're here. We have a slight problem.

Hyde: Man Leo, what is it? I'm not in a good mood.

Leo: Well, the money holder thingy isn't spitting out the paper thingy with the purple

writing all over it anymore.

Hyde: (looking confused) What?

Leo: You know man. The money holder thingy.

Hyde: You mean the cash register?

Leo: Whoa! It's like you can read my mind, man.

Hyde: -sigh- Let me go check it out.

Leo: Good idea man.

Hyde: (observing the cash register) Leo man, where is the roll of paper that the receipts

are printed on?

Leo: Didn't I already tell you? It's not working man. Geez, you need to listen more. A

good boss would listen to his employees. I used to listen to you at the Fotohut man. I

can't remember anything you said but I listened.

Hyde: No Leo. It's gone. Where did this entire roll of paper go?

(Just then, the back room door opens and a cloud of smoke comes out. A gangly looking

hippie walks out).

Hippie: Hey man. Got anything to eat in here?

Hyde: (looking angry) Leo, I thought I told you no parties back there. That's where I go

to party!

Leo: Hey I didn't even know he was here, man. I was more concerned with the money

holder thing

Hyde: (cutting him off) Cash register! It's a cash register!

Leo: Hey man. You seem stressed. You know what I like to do when I'm stressed?

Cut to: Circle in the back room. Cloud of smoke lingers around them. Hyde, Leo and

the Hippie.

Hyde: You know Leo, you were right. I do feel better. Thanks man.

Leo: No problem. I've always enjoyed this when I'm stressed. But make sure you do it

in moderation, man. You don't want to end up like this guy. (Points to the hippie sitting

next to him).

Hippie: He's right. I used to be a straight A student. But now, I just live in my parents'

basement. Sad huh?

Hyde: Yeah well, I'm moving out of the basement I'm in.

Leo: Really man? Well that's cool. You're like (pause) like (pause) uh, that's cool man.

Hippie: Hey Leo, where do you keep your Cheez Doodles?

Leo: (To hippie) In the cabinet above my sink. (To Hyde) So listen man, why don't you

come live with me? I got room in my apartment for you and your wife.

Hippie: Dude, you're married?

Hyde: No! Well, sort of. Thanks for the offer man but I got to get out on my own.

Leo: Suit yourself man. Hey, can just your wife live with me instead?

(Camera pans around to see Hyde looking strangely at Leo. Then, camera pans to show

the Hippie eating a bag of Cheez Doodles).

Leo: Whoa man! How did you get into my apartment?

Scene 4:

(The Pinciotti kitchen. Donna and Jackie are sitting at the table drinking cokes while Bob

is running around trying to make sure everything is perfect for the evening).

Jackie: So, what do you think the surprise is going to be?

Donna: Not sure. I thought it might have been that dancing monkey that was at my 16th

birthday party. But then I realized, my Dad had a falling out with him over a banana

crème pie.

Jackie: Maybe it's Eric.

Donna: Don't be silly Jackie. Eric and I are over and believe me, my Dad was ok with

that.

Jackie: Oh big deal. So he's in Africa? So he left you at the altar? At least you got to go through the

motions of planning a wedding. At this rate, I'll never get married!

Donna: Jackie, you're only 18! Besides, marriage isn't everything. God, I miss Eric.

Jackie: I know. After all of that pleading with you, you still wanted to stay with Eric.

And for the record, Ew! But, I knew he must have been the real deal. I know in my heart

that you guys will get back together one day.

Donna: Wow, Jackie. Are you actually being sincere?

Jackie: Yeah, I guess. That always happens to me when I'm at a low point in my life.

Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and start insulting you again.

Donna: (sarcastically) One can only hope.

Bob: (Comes into the kitchen rambling) How does this tie look? Does it look ok? Does

this shirt match? How are my shoes? Are they ok?

Donna: Dad! What's wrong with you?

(Doorbell rings)

Bob: Oh my God. The surprise is here!

(They all walk into the living room. Bob opens the door to reveal Red & Kitty. Kitty is

holding a casserole dish).

Red: Bob, for heaven's sake! Let us in. There's some crazy nut job out there that just

groped Kitty!

Kitty: Actually, it wasn't all that bad. He did have very strong hands! (Kitty's signature laugh)

Red: Kitty! Snap out of it.

Bob: Oh my God. That must be him!

Donna: Who?

Bob: My brother. Your Uncle Carmine from Hoboken!

Carmine: (at the door) Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! (In thick NY accent)

Red: Oh geez!

Fade out.

Tag: Kelso and Fez are still in the old mansion dressed as Watson & Igor. They're both

eating ice pops.

Kelso (Watson): Thanks for beating up (pause) I mean, helping me beat up that butler Igor.

Fez (Igor): Anything for you master.

Kelso (Watson): Hey, how do we get out of here?

Fez (Igor): Well, we could try the secret passageway again. This time, I'll make sure it's

Bob free.

Kelso (Watson): Good! No need to see that again!

(Fez moves the book and the passageway opens up again and it's empty).

Kelso (Watson): Great! Let's go.

(As they start to walk towards the passageway, Leo jumps out and scares them into a

panic and they drop their ice pops and run the other way!)

Leo: Nobody's going to steal my Cheez Doodles this time! (He grabs some out of his bag and eats them).

Fade out.