A/N: FINALLY! It has only taken me 10 years to post an update. Life got in the way, very epically, and this story got shelved for a while. If you are still following, kudos to you and thank you for your patience. If you are new to this story, I hope you like it and thank you for reading!

Thank you to CBScifijunky for allowing me to drag her back in to the depths of fanfiction and make sure I remain true to these characters! You are awesome

I am SUPER rusty when it comes to FF, hell it has been 10 years after all, so please go easy and have patience…read: be nice to this rusty ol' fic reader/writer ;-P

Updates will be slow but they will happen! I hate leaving things unfinished so come hell or high water I will get this story done and dusted for you!

Without much further ado I bring you the 11th instalment…

Chapter 11: Time to Forgive Yourself

Int: Buffy's bedroom

Faith sat perched on the edge of the bed, apprehensive, her muscles taut, ready to bolt; it was taking all of her willpower not to follow through on what her body was screaming at her to do. She was very aware that Buffy was still holding her hand; she had not let go after leading Faith back to the bed. Faith could feel the tingling where the blonde slayer made contact with her; it was a pleasant, warm feeling. Buffy was staring at Faith's hand, tracing her fingers gently over the knuckles that were still raw and bruised.

Faith watched Buffy trace her fingers along her wounded knuckles; evidence of the fight she had with Spike. She had beaten the vampire to within an inch of his life and her fists did not come away from that altercation unscathed. The silence between them was deafening. Faith took in the other Slayer's appearance. She looked tired, exhausted in fact. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, Faith's hand in her lap, her shoulders slightly hunched over. Her face was weary but there was no hostility or anger. This surprised Faith; she was sitting tensely, waiting for Buffy to strike out at her. She was used to that, had come to expect it. Images of the rooftop and that knife flashed before Faith. Sometimes I wish that you had succeeded in what you set out to do that night.

The silence became unbearable, Buffy had pulled Faith over to the bed to talk but now she looked as if talking was the last thing she wanted to do. Faith was wound tight like a bow but her demeanour softened towards the blonde. Buffy had been leading the potential slayers for many months now, damn, she had been leading the forces of good for years, ever since she was called as the slayer. God, I had one go at being in that role, at leading the slayers and look how well that ended. Faith's shoulders sagged a little; the pressure of taking on that role had been intense. How do you do it? Day in and day out? Faith glanced at Buffy; she felt for the blonde slayer, for the pressure she had had to endure over the years. How do you deal with the responsibility? She could understand a bit more where the blonde slayer was coming from, had been coming from all these years.

Faith sighed and ran her free hand through her hair, "I won't apologise for what I did to him…" She said softly, breaking the silence between them.

Buffy tilted her head slightly towards Faith, she opened her mouth to reply but Faith cut her off.

"Please let me finish, B."

Buffy continued to stare intensely at the brunette; she nodded slightly, waiting for Faith to continue.

"I wanted to kill him. I nearly did kill him!" Faith had her eyes shut, her brow furrowed as she relived the fight with Spike. She turned her attention back to Buffy, her expression deathly serious, "I wanted to annihilate him and make him suffer for what he did to you." She said softly, "But I could see in his eyes that he regretted his actions. He loves you, B. He would do anything for you. He would die for you." And so would I! Why have you never been able to see that. "I couldn't kill him because I know how much he means to you, even after what he did." Faith struggled to get the last words out, "I knew you would never forgive me…" she paused and glanced at the blonde Slayer, "…I couldn't bare the thought of pushing you away again." She said softly.

Faith was aware of increased pressure on her hand as Buffy stopped tracing the raw knuckles but squeezed. Faith placed her other hand over the top of Buffy's hands, encouraging her to ease the pressure a bit.

"I know what it feels like to have done such evil acts and to regret them. I know what it feels like to have hurt you so deeply and to regret those actions…" Faith paused; she was starting to feel uncomfortable under the intense gaze the blonde held. She pulled her hands free from Buffy's grip and stood up, desperate to break the eye contact, still fighting hard against the urge to bolt out of the room. She wavered a bit, her head still pounding from the concussion that bomb blast had given her. She reached out to steady herself on Buffy's dresser.

"Faith…" Buffy started to stand, concern for the other slayer in her voice.

Faith brushed it off, "It will pass, Slayer healing and all," she turned and flashed a smile at the blonde slayer. I do feel like I've been a bit of a punching bag these past few weeks, she mused, muttering under her breathe; And not just physically. The emotional toll of coming back to Sunnydale was weighing heavily on the brunette.

Faith continued to support herself by holding the dresser; drawing a deep breath she mustered all her courage to continue with the conversation.

"Don't get me wrong, B, Spike deserved everything I dealt to him. God, he nearly raped you…" Faith's voice broke when she said those words. Buffy was standing now; she started towards the dark Slayer, she could feel the emotion pouring off the brunette, but she stopped when Faith continued. Faith's gaze was directed to the floor, she couldn't bear to look Buffy in the eyes.

"But then I look back at everything that I have done to you, and when I had that knife to his throat, seconds away from ending his life, I realized that in spite of the monster he was, the monster I am…" Faith trailed off.

"You're not a monster, Faith." Buffy interjected.

Faith frowned and glanced at the blonde Slayer, "We both have one thing in common." She paused and looked up at Buffy, startled to see how the blonde had closed the gap between them. She could see unspilled tears in Buffy's eyes.

"Buffy," Faith intentionally used the blonde Slayers full name, "I…" she was cut off by Buffy crushing her lips against hers. She stumbled a bit against the dresser and was briefly unable to do anything but stand there in shock. Finally it dawned on her that Buffy, the woman she loved more than life itself, was kissing her. Faith regained her composure and gently cupped Buffy's face in her hands and she returned the kiss. They were both hungry for each other, the kiss became more frantic, they were both gasping for air, neither of them wanting to break this moment.

Finally Buffy broke away, she stepped back, panting, still staring at Faith. For a moment a feeling of terror passed through the brunette, she thought she had wrecked everything. Oh god, she's going to leave. She regrets what she just did. She hates me! How could someone like Buffy ever love trash like me.

"Buffy I'm…" the blonde slayer stepped forward quickly and placed a finger over Faith's lips, "Shhhh…" she said softly, "You talk too much, Faith." And she placed her lips over Faith's again, this time gently, less frantic. The tingles they both experienced from their slayer connection made them both weak at the knees. This time it was Faith who broke away first, she gripped the dresser firmly for support, panting, her head dropped, avoiding eye contact with Buffy. She had wanted this for so long but now she wasn't entirely sure how to deal.

"Hey." Buffy ducked her head a bit, trying to regain eye contact, "HEY!" she gently used her hand to raise Faith's head so that she was staring into Buffy's hazel eyes.

"I love you." Buffy whispered, staring long and hard into Faith's eyes. She saw the astonishment flit across Faith's face, confusion initially replaced by relief. Buffy stifled a laugh when Faith frowned at her; she always looked so cute and confused when she frowned.

"Why, Buffy?"

The blonde Slayer looked at Faith, a confused expression on her face, "What do you mean?".

"Why would you, how could you love me, god, the things I have done to you, to your friends…" Faith paused; she could feel herself coming close to losing it, every fibre of her being was telling her to bolt like she usually did.

"I don't deserve your love, I don't deserve forgiveness. I can't forgive myself, how can I expect you or anyone else to forgive me." Faith couldn't let herself believe that Buffy could actually love her.

Buffy let the brunette get it all off her chest; she could tell that Faith was barely holding it together.

Faith stood there staring at Buffy, tense, her instincts were screaming at her to run, god she wanted to run far away but she held it together. Something deep inside her made her realize that if she did run; if she left Buffy, again, then that would be it. She would never get another chance. The blonde had given her enough second chances. So she stayed, firmly rooted to the spot, squirming a little under Buffy's intense gaze. She returned the stare but her walls had come crashing down and she knew she just had to open up. It was now or never, now or she may as well just walk away and never see the blonde slayer again. At that moment Faith realized she couldn't bear to live without the other Slayer. With that realization she felt like a weight lifted off her shoulder, her heart ached with love for the blonde standing in front of her.

"Are you done?" Buffy asked; her gaze softened as she watched the myriad of emotions crossing Faith's face. Buffy could sense that Faith was not going to run, not this time. By now, usually, the walls were up and the brunette was either leaving or they were fighting or both.

"I…" Faith paused and she finally noticed that Buffy's gaze had softened, she was looking at the brunette with so much love, it almost choked Faith up.

"I don't know what I have done to deserve your love, Buffy." Faith started, "But that's what I was trying to tell you earlier." Faith broke into a smile "I love you, B."

"Yeah, I am sorry I cut you off." Buffy said, "I just, I felt that I had to say it first, not because I am competitive or anything," Buffy paused and laughed at Faith's rolling her eyes at her, "Ok, I am competitive, but, in all seriousness I just needed to know that I wasn't going to just be reacting to you because you said it first." Buffy looked deeply into the other slayers eyes, "I wanted you to know that I mean it." She took a step closer, "I also want you to know that you have redeemed yourself enough, so it is time to forgive yourself." She stared hard at the brunette, "I forgive you." And with that she kissed Faith again, years of emotion in that one kiss. Both slayers were crying when they finally broke apart and then Buffy engulfed Faith in a hug, holding her as if her life depended on it, as if she would never let the other Slayer go.