Author's Note: This was written after I heard two elderly gentlemen in line at the supermarket saying that "prisons nowadays were no harder on the occupants than tea and biscuits". In this parody I completely make fun of Azkaban, Dementors, Death Eaters and the name "John Smith". I also make fun of Shipping Wars. I'm not intentionally insulting anyone though… or maybe I'm intentionally insulting everyone. Huh.
THE TEA PARTY OF AZKABAN - (Or "The Secret to Efficient and Diabolical Soul Destruction…")
Starring:
Dolohov, Antonin - (Tony)
Lestrange, Bellatrix Black - (Bella)
Lestrange, Rudolphus - (Lestrange One)
Lestrange, Rabastan - (Lestrange Two)
Rookwood, Augustus - (Rookwood)
Smith, John - (John Smith)
And also - Dementor 1, Dementor 2, and Dementor 3 (as themselves)
In the Honeymoon Cell:
Bella: Tra la la, hmm hmm hmm, fa la la… OH! My! Is that the time? Darling? Darling! We must hurry! We'll be late for the Tea! (pause) OI! Yoohoo! Lestrange Number One or Two, wake up!
Lestrange One: (wakening up) DON'T WARN THE HATCHLINGS!
Bella: (snigger)
Lestrange One: Wha…?
Bella: Don't warn the Hatchlings?
Lestrange One: (embarrassed) Bella, you knew I had chicken-fear when you married me…
Bella: Yes Dear. Now come along Lestrange Number One or Two, we're going to be late.
Lestrange One: Oh heavens is that the… wait a minute… What do you mean "Lestrange Number One or Two"? We're married! Shouldn't you at least be able to tell which is which, woman!
Bella: (shrug) Nobody really can darling. And nobody really cares anyway. You see I'm the only scary member of our family. You and your brother just come across as rather… well… incompetent, really. So no one cares.
Lestrange One: (Splutter)
Bella: Now do hurry up! We're going to be late and I haven't a thing to wear!
Lestrange One: (grumble, grumble) Just because she was the Dark Lord's favourite… stupid wife… always scarier than me… silly lunatic person with her stupid heavy eyelids… thinks she's so great…
Bella: Lestrange!
Lestrange One: Oh, what is it you puffed-up old bat?
Bella: What should I wear? What should I wear!
Lestrange One: (dryly) You're in prison Bella. Might I suggest wearing your Prison robes?
Bella: Well yes of course! But which colour? And which cut? And which fabric! Oh I'm just so confused!
Lestrange One: For going on thirty years now…
Bella: I mean I love blue! I do! But there are so many variances that's it's just impossible to decide. And the purple looks fabulous but then someone else always wears purple and we both end up looking like fools. And what about cut? Is short sleeved too casual? Would they be offended? What if I look too formal? Oh and what about the black one with the cut in the hem? I looks wonderful, sure, but is it a bit too revealing would you say? Oh! And then there's fabric-
Lestrange One: JUST PICK ONE YOU STUPID WENCH!
(pause)
Bella: (sniffle) There's no need to be so irritable Lestrange One…
Lestrange One: Look I'm sorry it's just… Hey… you remembered that I'm Lestrange One?
Bella: (nods)
Lestrange One: Oh honey, I'm sorry I upset you. Here, why don't you wear the purple and I'll kill anyone else who wears it this afternoon, hmm?
Bella: (weepy) Don't be silly Lestrange One… Our wands are in getting cleaned, we couldn't possibly…
Lestrange One: I'll stab them to death with a desert fork. Hmm?
Bella: You… You'd do that for me? But those are your favourite velvet robes… wouldn't they get messy?
Lestrange One: I suppose they might. But I can send them down to the prison laundry, can't I? I can make do with the cotton until then.
Bella: You'd really do that for me?
Lestrange One: Of course Mon Chere! I'd do anything for you! Now come on… get yourself cleaned up and then we can go to tea, hmm?
Bella: Oh! Lestrange One! What would I do without you? (hug)
- - -
In the sports-package-having Cell:
Tony: Oh hurry up Rookwood! I don't care if the Cannons are looking like they might actually win a game! We're going to be late!
Rookwood: But Tony! It looks like they're going to catch the snitch soon!
Tony: You've been saying that for three days.
Rookwood: Well yes but I really mean it now!
Tony: Bloody Hell… we had to get the cell with the Sports Package, didn't we… Look! Rookwood! If you don't hurry up I'm going without you. And I'm telling Dementor 2 what you said about her Ginger Loaf!
Rookwood: (gasp) You wouldn't! You know I was only joking!
Tony: Oh I would. (evil cackle)
Rookwood: (blank stare) Tony. You've got life imprisonment. Why are you still practising your evil cackles? It's not like you'll ever get to use them.
Tony: I might escape. You never know. And it's nice to be prepared for these things.
Rookwood: But you're preparing for something that's Never Going To Happen.
Tony: (glare) Rookwood, do you remember that one night fifteen years ago when you came over to my house? And you saw me hunched over a lot of papers, making plans?
Rookwood: (uncomfortable) Yeah… vaguely…
Tony: And do you remember, you asked me what I was doing? And I told you, didn't I tell you? I told you that I was making plans for what to do if our Lord Voldemort lost a game of Survival-Of-The-Fittest with an Infant who hadn't even been properly toilet trained yet. And you said "Don't be ridiculous Tony, you're planning for things that will never happen. Now why don't you come down the pub?" Do you remember?
Rookwood: Er… perhaps…
Tony: RIGHT! And look what happened there! If it weren't for you and your Never-going-to-happen-ish-ness, then we'd be sunning ourselves on a beach right now! But NOOOOOOOO… So don't you tell me what not to plan for Rookwood! If it were down to you then we'd escape and I'd be forced to brush up on my cackling skills on the job! And what if I messed up, huh? What if my voice broke or something while I tried to cackle? Would you have some little Muggle making fun of my cackling abilities as I tortured them to death? Would you?
Rookwood: No Tony. Of course not. Look mate, forget I said anything. Lets go to tea and you can cackle all you want there, all right?
Tony: (huffily) No. I don't want to go anymore.
Rookwood: Oh come on Tony! You wanted to go a minute ago!
Tony: I'm not in the mood.
Rookwood: But Tony… think of the others. It's your turn to bring the Bunt Cake! You know how the Dementors love your Bundt Cake. And Bellatrix! Think of Bellatrix. Without you there, who's she going to patronise? Hmm? Would you really do that to her?
Tony: (sigh) I suppose not. No. But don't think this means I forgive you!
Rookwood: Oh of course not…
- - -
In the Dementors Secret Club House:
Dementor 2: Are not!
Dementor 3: Are too!
Dementor 2: Are not!
Dementor 3: Are too!
Dementor 2: Are not!
Dementor 3: Are too!
Dementor 2: Are not!
Dementor 1: What's going on!
Dementor 3: She's being stoopid!
Dementor 2: Am not!
Dementor 3: Are too!
Dementor 2: Am not!
Dementor 1: Girls! Calm down! Now tell me what is all this about?
Dementor 2: She says that Ron and Hermione are made for each other, when it's totally obvious that Harry and Hermione are a better match!
Dementor 3: Oh don't be silly! Harry and Hermione are just friends!
Dementor 2: Are not! Harry's the hero and Hermione's the heroine, the hero and the heroine ALWAYS end up together. It's like… gravity, or something. It's just the way of the world.
Dementor 3: But Hermione and Ron have pent up sexual tension! And they bicker!
Dementor 2: They bicker? That's your pitch? They bicker and so they're meant to be together? What the hell kind of messed up, bizarro-world Dragon Dung is that? "They bicker." Honestly. Little old ladies bicker too, it doesn't mean that every little old lady on the face of the Earth is involved in some great big, lesbian love circle does it?
Dementor 3: …
Dementor 1: …
Dementor 2: (panicked) Wait… does it?
Dementor 3: Well… no. I don't suppose it does.
Dementor 1: But wouldn't it be sort of cool if it did?
Dementor 2: …
Dementor 3: …
Dementor 1: Oh come on! Everyone always talks about the Illuminati and Masons and stuff like that. All these 'secret societies' that control the world. All I'm saying is that it would be pretty awesome if the real controllers of the Universe were a bunch of little old lesbian ladies who were part of this like… Dianic cult with drinking and songs and crochet hats. Wouldn't it be cool?
Dementor 2: …
Dementor 3: Actually that would be pretty cool…
Dementor 2: You're both nuts. And Harry and Hermione are meant for each other!
Dementors 1 and 3: Are not!
Dementor 2: Are so!
Dementors 1 and 3: Are not!
Dementor 2: Are so!
Dementors 1 and 3: Are not!
Dementor 2: Are so!
Dementors 1 and 3: Are not!
Dementor 2: Are so!
- - -
In the Desolate and Upsetting Cell:
Lestrange Two: (sigh)
John Smith: …
Lestrange Two: (more obvious sigh)
John Smith: …
Lestrange Two: (Sigh!)
John Smith: …
Lestrange Two: (SIGH damn it!)
John Smith: Look, would you just shut up and exhale like a normal person?
Lestrange Two: …
John Smith: Thank you.
Lestrange Two: But… don't you want to know why I'm sighing?
John Smith: Nope.
Lestrange Two: You don't?
John Smith: No.
Lestrange Two: You're not even a little curious?
John Smith: Not even vaguely.
Lestrange Two: You must wonder a bit?
John Smith: I don't.
Lestrange Two: Oh come on, you must be ever-so-slightly interested.
John Smith: Nuh-uh.
Lestrange Two: What if I cried? Would you be curious if I cried?
John Smith: No. I'd be irritated. Then again I suppose that ship sailed when you started sighing.
Lestrange Two: Hey! You know what I just realised?
John Smith: No. Nor do I care.
Lestrange Two: I've never seen you before!
John Smith: (blank stare)…… (slow clapping)
Lestrange Two: So… who are you?
John Smith: Plot device.
Lestrange Two: Plot device?
John Smith: And possibly an Author Surrogate. It's not entirely clear at this point. But you probably wouldn't understand anyway since you're incompetent and not even pretty enough to get a bird. So, yeah. Author Surrogate.
Lestrange Two: Author Surrogate?
John Smith: What are you? A frigging echo?
Lestrange Two: Echo?
John Smith: Oh for the love of…
Lestrange Two: So… what's your name?
John Smith: John Smith.
Lestrange Two: That was the best the author could come up with?
John Smith: (shrug) She's not that bright.
Lestrange Two: So… you're here to be the voice of the author?
John Smith: No, I'm here because you needed a cellmate and she was too bloody lazy to go onto the HP Lexicon and find one for you. Plus, she figured is squealing fan-girls were allowed to have Author Surrogates then so was she. So here I am.
Lestrange Two: Oh… So… you'll be staying then?
John Smith: Hey, I'm not thrilled about it either.
Lestrange Two: Huh… Okay. So…
John Smith: …
Lestrange Two: (sigh)
John Smith: (facepalm)
- - -
Back In the Dementors Secret Club House:
Dementor 2: So you're saying that you both wholeheartedly support the brightest witch of the generation getting together with some carrot-topped idiot who can't even relax his way through some Devil's Snare?
Dementors 1 and 3: (scary face) THAT ONLY HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE! IN THE BOOKS RON GOT TO BE FUNNY AND -somewhat- INTELLIGENT! I SMITE YOU AND YOUR MOVIE-CANON!
Dementor 2: … Oh yeah. Forgot about that. But anyway, the fact remains that you want the great, glorious Hermione Granger to end up with-
Dementor 3: A brave, loyal, totally wonderful Weasley? DAMN STRAIGHT! Right Dementor 1?
Dementor 1: Well… actually…
Dementor 3: Actually what?
Dementor 2: What is it?
Dementor 1: Actually… I prefer Draco/Hermione.
Dementor 2: (gasp!)
Dementor 3: (faint!)
Dementor 1: (small voice) Well I do…
Dementor 2: Eeeeevil. Eeeeevil. Draco/Hermione shipper. Clearly deranged. EEEEEVIL!
Dementor 1: Well duh. We're Dementors you twit.
Dementor 2: … oh yeah.
Dementor 1: Look go wake her up. We can talk about this later. We have guests coming after all.
Dementor 2: Hmmf. You're the one who made her faint in the first place.
- - -
In the Desolate and Upsetting Cell… again:
Lestrange Two: I'm not saying that you should ask me why I'm sighing or I'll kill you, I'm just explaining to you that it's been known to happen in the past. It's why the Dark Lord recruited me actually, he saw me cursing a girl who wouldn't go out with me.
John Smith: Well that's what you get if you insist upon trying to date in the sighted community with a mug like yours, isn't it?
Lestrange Two: Are you going to ask me why I'm sighing or not?
John Smith: Doesn't it bother you that you're clamouring for attention from someone you don't even know?
Lestrange Two: You'd think so wouldn't you? But actually I'm quite comfortable with it. You are you going to ask me? Huh huh are you? Huh huh huh? Are you, are you, huh?
John Smith: Kill me. Kill me now.
Lestrange One: What was that? We killing something?
Lestrange Two: No! We're not killing anything! Well not yet anyway. Now go away!
Lestrange One: But I definitely heard something about killing…
Lestrange Two: No killing! Get out! We're trying to have a conversation here!
Lestrange One: Aww…
John Smith: It's all right mate, you couldn't kill me anyway. I'm the Author Surrogate.
Lestrange One: Oh. Well that's all right then I suppose. But if you ever change occupations and you need someone to kill you…?
John Smith: I'll give you a call, yes.
Lestrange One: Excellent! (grin) Anyway, Lestrange Number Two, you'd better hurry up if you want to get to the tea party on time!
Lestrange Two: OH MY GIDDY AUNT! I completely forgot! Quick John Smith! You must run, skip and jump with me so that we can reach the tea party on time!
John Smith: I don't run. Nor do I jump or skip, and I certainly don't do all three at once.
Lestranges One and Two: But the Tea Party!
John Smith: You are aware that this is a prison, right? And that you're supposed to be bad guys?
Lestrange One: Oh we are.
Lestrange Two: (nods) Very bad, bad, nasty guys. Evil even.
Lestrange One: We were Death Eaters you see. It's a terribly gruelling career but with a lot of rewards… sometimes Narcissa would give us mints… JUST A SPING-DINGING MINUTE!
Lestrange Two: (whispering) Sping-dinging?
Lestrange One: (whispering also) Yes, Sping-dinging!
John Smith: Oy vey. My brain hurts.
Lestrange One: You're not a Death Eater.
John Smith: Yeah. And? There are other reasons a person can be sent to Azkaban you know.
Lestrange Two: Well then why are you here?
Lestrange One: Yes, why are you here?
John Smith: It's a long story.
Lestrange One: Oh do tell us! We love stories!
Lestrange Two: Ooh yes! A story! Spifforific!
John Smith: (horrified look)
Lestrange One: Forgive him. He makes up upsetting words when he's excited.
John Smith: Er… right. If I tell you will you shut up?
Lestrange Two: Absoleriney!
John Smith: (cringes) (takes deep breath) When I was eighteen years old I was forced, through a series of deeply unlikely events, to become involved with a group of Vampires in Romania. This led to my participation in many dangerous and downright thrilling activities on my part. Until one day the vampires I was travelling with, who had previously been quite docile, began planning an attack on a family of witches. I was assured that the witches in question would be causing grievous harm to the local muggle population and were better off dead. Still having my doubts, I went to meet this family a few days before the attack was scheduled to take place. There, I fell madly in love with the family's seventeen year old daughter and she with me.
Lestranges One and Two: Aww!
John Smith: Do shut up.
Lestranges One and Two: …
John Smith: Anyway, I warned the family and they fled to a safe location. I waited in the family home and when the vampires came I slaughtered them all. Without the proper legislation for vampire slaughtering, might I add. This got me my first official warning. Many years… oh all right, two weeks later Gilderoy Lockhart came to meet me and steal my story. He performed a memory charm on me and wrote the book "Voyages with Vampires" based on my story. When the girl I had fallen in love with returned, I could not recognise her. Heart-broken, she fled and I have never seen her again. A few months ago the memory charm placed on my began to crumble and, since I just so happened to be in London at the time, I took the opportunity to exact my revenge upon Lockhart, only to find that someone had already punished him in a far more poetic and amusing manner than I could ever come up with. I was sentenced to six months in Azkaban for my attack and here I am. Waiting until the day of my escape when I can begin the quest for my true love, and hope to God she hasn't married a studly-looking-milkman in the mean time.
Lestrange One: … Like, whoa.
Lestrange Two: … Like, double whoa.
John Smith: Yes. Quite. Now sod off.
Lestrange One: Wait a mo! You have all that back-story and yet the best name the author could come up for you was "John Smith"?
Lestrange Two: Yeah, what's up with that?
John Smith: Look her "talent" fluctuates. I try not to question it and neither should you. Just get out of here will you?
Lestrange Two: Why did you use air quotes when you said talent?
John Smith: The author fears that calling what she does talent would be an insult to the talented community, and hopes that by pointing this out on her own talented individuals will not hunt her down with pointy sticks.
Talented Community: Aww… We wanted a lynching…
Lestrange One: Nice.
John Smith: Isn't it though?
Lestrange Two: Well, all the same I feel you should come with us to the Tea Party and retell that story to the amusement and titillation of our comrades.
John Smith: Tough. Go away.
- - -
Little Tearoom of Horrors:
Bella: Oh I completely agree Tony, one cannot let their cackling skills slip. Personally I've been working on this condescending baby voice that makes the whole world want to smash my face in with a scalding hot griddle. It goes like this-
Dementor 1: Honestly! Is it really so hard for you two plebeians to wrap your head around the fact that I enjoy entertaining the notion of Draco and Hermione…
Dementors 2 and 3: Wrong, wrong, so very, very, wrong.
Dementor 1: It is not!
Bella: Er… what's this about?
Rookwood: Yes! You'd better have a good explanation, as Bella was about to show us her baby voice!
Dementor 1: Oh all right, we'll tell you. We were just discussing who Hermione Granger should end up with.
All: … Who?
Dementor 2: Well you see it's like this - Our colleagues are posted around Hogwarts and have been sending us back information about the goings on there. We have become obsessed with knowing who the right guy for Hermione Granger is.
Tony: And Hermione Granger is….?
Dementors 1, 2 and 3: Harry Potter's best friend.
Death Eaters: ARGH! HARRY POTTER! HARRY POTTER! ARGH!
Dementors 1 and 2: What?
Dementor 3: I think it's the fact that we said the H-word… er… words.
Dementor 2: What? Hermione Granger?
Dementor 1: No idiot, Harry Pot-
Death Eaters: ARGH! HARRY POTTER! HARRY POTTER! ARGH!
Dementor 1: Yeah. That.
Bella: (weeps and shakes with rage) Well that's it, my whole afternoon is ruined. Not even Bundt Cake can save this horrible, horrible afternoon!
Tony: (pouts) But I thought you loved my Bundt Cake!
Rookwood: Tony mate, don't take it personally. Besides you couldn't have been too shocked. After all, the author doesn't even know what Bundt Cake is, she just likes the word.
Tony: True. Very true.
Bella: Excuse me, does no one care that my afternoon's been ruined!
Tony: …
Rookwood: …
Dementor 1: …
Dementor 2: …
Dementor 3: …
Bella: (glare) Right! That's it! Where's my whipped husband?
Tony: Wasn't he going to get his brother? The one that sounds like a former Islamic State?
Rookwood: Rabastan?
Tony: Aye him.
Author: (pointed cough)
Tony: Er… I mean, Lestrange Two.
Author: (auspicious smile)
Bella: HUSBAND! HUSBAND! GET BACK HERE HUSBAND! I'M HAVING A SNIT! GET BACK HERE!
Lestrange One: Fear not my love! I have come to save the day! I have with me, this afternoon a bound and gagged storyteller who will regale us all with his tale of woe! And maybe after that we can have some Bundt Cake and discuss business!
All: (applause)
John Smith: Mm Hmm Hmmm hmmf mm mmhmm hmmfs! Mm mmm hmmhmmf mm hmm hmmm hmm! Mm HMMFHMM HMMMFHMMA!
Lestrange Two: Bro? I may have detected a problem with the bound and gagged storyteller idea.
Lestrange One: (grin) It's okay. I know how to convince him. Snookums?
Bella: Hmm?
Lestrange One: Did you bring the brass knuckles?
- - -
Thirty Minutes and a lot of pummelling Later in the Little Tearoom of Horrors:
John Smith: Waiting till the day of my escape… (coughs blood) when I can begin the quest for my true love.
All: Aww…
Rookwood: So can you tell us more about this girl?
Tony: Yeah, what was she like?
John Smith: I can't tell you.
Lestrange One: (raises fists)
John Smith: No, no! Seriously! I can't tell you! The author's becoming increasingly enamoured with my character and is considering telling my story in it's entirety at a later date! I can't say anything! THINK OF THE SPOILERS!
Lestrange Two: He's got a point.
Dementor 1: It'd completely destroy the narrative.
All: (murmur in agreement)
Bella: Oh all right. Well then. I suppose it's time for Bundt Cake and business discussions.
Lestrange One: Wait! Before we begin! Is anyone wearing purple?
Bella: I am.
Lestrange One: Well yes, I know you are but I meant anyone else.
Rookwood: Not that I can see.
Lestrange One: Good.
Dementor 2: Why?
Lestrange One: Because I promised Bella that if they were then I'd kill them.
All: (silence)
Lestrange One: What?
Tony: Your relationship with your wife isn't like other people's is it?
Dementor 2: Right! To business! Now before we begin, everyone will be helping themselves to tea and cakes from here on out. I personally recommend the PUMPKIN PIE.
Dementors 1 and 3: (glare at poorly disguised attempt at Ship promotion)
Dementor 2: Also, if anyone has any questions they should ask them now rather than interrupting later.
John Smith: Yeah I have a few questions.
Dementor 2: Ask away.
John Smith: Why are we having a Tea Party in a prison?
Tony: What? Prisoners aren't entitled to tea? That's cold man. That's really cold.
Dementor 1: I think that our prosaically named new member is referring to the common misconception that Azkaban is a terrible, terrible place and that Dementors are some sort of Malevolent Soul-Sucking Fiends.
Dementor 3: Oh how quaint!
John Smith: Er… misconception?
Rookwood: You mean you didn't read the pamphlet at initiation?
John Smith: Initiation?
Tony: You weren't Initiated?
John Smith: Evidently not.
Lestrange One: How can this be? I thought everyone was Initiated upon arrival?
Dementors 1, 2 and 3: (whistle innocently)
Bella: Dementors? Why wasn't The-One-With-The-Boring-Name Initiated?
Dementor 3: Heh heh heh… well… you see… the thing is…
Dementor 2: There was only one of him you see…
Dementor 1: And we were sort of on High Alert what with Black's departure and all…
Dementor 3: And he was only going to be here for six months anyway.
Dementor 1: So we sort of…
Dementor 2: In a way… kind of…
Dementor 3: (mumbles) Forgot.
All: Quelle Horreur!
John Smith: What the hell is going on?
Rookwood: Well Johnny-Boy -
John Smith: Johnny Boy?
Rookwood: Yeah I'm trying it out. You see the thing is that Azkaban… well it's not what you think. I mean I know it's painted to be this awful, upsetting, soul-destroying place but it's not.
John Smith: It's not?
Tony: No. See, we like to pretend it is and make people really scared of the place, but really it's pretty cosy.
John Smith: It is? Why? Wouldn't it make more sense to have a horrible prison?
Dementor 1: Oh no. Absolutely not. Do you have any idea the lawsuits we'd be open for if we did half the things they say we do? Do you know what the going rate for a soul is these days? I mean sure, in time of yore you could afford to suck one here and there. But nowadays people are a lot more aware of their souls. We have to fill in tallies and everything. There are monthly soul-checks by Ministry officials. We can't get one to save ourselves!
Dementor 2: We're practically starving, it's true. Completely losing it.
Dementor 3: It's madness! MADNESS! I mean in this time of It-girls with ratty dogs in handbags and Big-Macs shows, it's not like anyone's USING their souls anymore!
Dementor 1: I miss soul sucking…
Dementor 3: The feel of it trickling down your throat, filling you completely… making all your woes disappear…
Dementor 2: Oh yeah, that's the stuff.
Dementors 1, 2 and 3: (wistful sigh)
Everyone else: (!)
Lestrange Two: Er… anyway… moving right along.
Bella: Yeah, the point is that Azkaban really isn't as bad as people think it is. But when they're leaving they pass through that big silvery gate you saw when you came in and all the happy memories of the place are wiped from their minds. They're left thinking it was horrible.
John Smith: But they all come out of here looking unfed with a haunted look about them. How do you explain that?
Dementor 3: Simple. For three weeks before we let them out we put them on Atkins and make them old reruns of the Waltons on a continuous, never-ending loop.
Dementor 2: Can you imagine it? No sleep. No carbs. Just lots and lots of meat and continual "Goodnight Mary-Ellen" "Goodnight Jim-bob"…
John Smith: (shudder)
Dementor 2: Exactly. It's enough to give anyone a haunted look.
John Smith: Right… okay. So may I ask another question?
Lestrange Two: Go ahead.
John Smith: I thought Dementors were supposed to wear black?
Dementors 1, 2 and 3: Rubbish!
Bella: You see, Humdrum-Name-Having-One, Dementors are tied to this place.
Tony: And in the case of those one's you saw outside in the terracotta pots, that's literal.
Bella: Quite. And so when they leave Azkaban, they get a little testy. They can't sleep, they can't eat and they're usually being forced to do truly pitiable things. Not to mention that the poor dears always catch a hot.
John Smith: A what?
Dementor 1: A hot. It's like the Dementor equivalent of a cold.
John Smith: You've got to be kidding me, right?
Dementor 3: Look you little cretin, you think your species is the only one who suffers illness. Bloody humans… always thinking they're so great… Why do you think we wear the cloaks? Hmm?
John Smith: Well lets face it ladies, you aren't exactly lookers…
Dementors 1, 2 and 3: (gasp!)
Humans: (snigger)
John Smith: And anyway, do you mean the pink silk things you're wearing now or the big ominous black ones?
Dementor 3: For future reference, pitiful little human, these are our indoor cloaks while the black ones are our travel cloaks.
Tony: What do you wear on a date?
Dementor 2: Nothing but a smile, baby!
Humans: (!)
Lestrange One: So… um… moving on… from that… interesting mental image…
Lestrange Two: Yes.
Tony: Please.
Rookwood: I didn't think it was that bad a mental image… WHAT!
Dementors 1, 2 and 3: (wink at Rookwood)
Rookwood: (blushes)
Bella: (whispering) Lestrange One? Would you keep him away from me? He's scary.
Lestrange One: Yes dear.
Lestrange Two: How about me? Will you keep him away from me?
Lestrange One: Shut up and fight your own battles.
Lestrange Two: Aww man.
Lestrange One: Right, so anyway, back to business.
John Smith: Business? There's Business now? What, is there a souvenir shop next-door or something?
Bella: Shut it Smith.
Dementor 1: Business is basically our Public Relations. We have to work hard to make sure that everyone is still afraid of us and thinks of us as an inescapable fortress.
John Smith: But it's not inescapable. Sirius Black escaped it, didn't he?
Dementors 1, 2 and 3: (glare)
Tony: Yep. And unfortunately the search to recapture him has taken away our best PR Dementor.
Dementor 1: Now we're stuck with the PR job.
Dementor 3: Fortunately, Black's Mug-Shot was pretty intimidating.
Bella: Yeah. His was that only Mug-Shot that had someone screaming in it anyway.
John Smith: Why was he screaming?
Lestrange One: That was the week Toni Basil released "Mickey". Trust me, everyone was screaming by the end of it.
All: (shudder)
John Smith: So why did Sirius Black want to escape?
Bella: Simple. He had business elsewhere.
John Smith: I HAVE BUSINESS ELSEWHERE! Didn't you hear about the quest? Hello!
Bella: Yes, yes. But you'll be out soon enough anyway.
Dementor 1: Besides, whilst we try to make people's stay here as comfortable as possible, if you try to leave we're ordered to kill you on sight.
John Smith: (!)
Bella: The only way that they'd be allowed to let us go is if there was some sort of Mass Break Out.
Lestrange One: Yeah. At least nine of us would have to leave at once before they'd be allowed to let us go.
Lestrange Two: And what are the chances of that?
All: (snigger)
John Smith: And on the day the phrase 'Pitifully Obvious Foreshadowing' was redefined, we all stood in awe and watched.
Dementor 2: What was that?
John Smith: (sulkily) Nothing.
Rookwood: So we're done then?
Dementor 1: Yes.
Dementor 2: I'd say so.
Dementor 3: HOLD ON! I've got a question for y'all!
Bella: "y'all" ? We're on an island in the middle of the North Sea and we're all British. Who the ruddy hell are you "Y'all"-ing?
Dementor 2: We've been watching American TV shows.
John Smith: Besides, at least their phrases make some sort of sense. "Ruddy" is a type of duck. Unless of course you were accusing them of having a sanguine complexion which is rather unlikely since they're ashen grey.
Bella: I could've sworn I told you to shut it.
John Smith: You're a very violent person, has anyone ever mentioned that?
Bella: RIGHT! That's it! One more word out of you and I'll take my hand off your face!
John Smith: In all honesty, that doesn't worry me. It's the connecting with it at high-velocity that- OW! (mutters) Bitch.
Bella: (smugly) Ha. Now you've been humiliated. You may never get your own spin-off now!
John Smith: Shows what you know.
Dementors 1, 2 and 3: EXCUSE US!
Humans: What?
Dementor 3: I was asking you a question.
Bella: Oh. Right.
Dementor 3: Now. We Dementors have been discussing who Hermione Granger should end with, as some of you know.
Lestrange Two: Actually all of us know, we were listening outside and making fun of you all.
Dementor 1: Excellent. So who should it be for our Heroine?
Tony: Personally, I think we should hear each individual pitch.
Dementor 2: Pardon?
Tony: You know. You each tell who you think should be with Hermes and why.
Dementors 1, 2 and 3: HERMIONE!
Tony: Yeah, her.
Dementor 3: All right. So who wants to go first?
Dementor 2: I will. I think Hermione is meant for Harry.
All: Why?
Dementor 2: Because she's beautiful, talented and intelligent.
John Smith: Er… actually in the books she's a somewhat pretty know-it-all with unmanageable hair and a nervous disposition.
Dementor 2: Shut it! She's clearly the Heroine and as such she should clearly end up with the Hero.
John Smith: That's your only reason?
Dementor 2: No. There are others but since you lot haven't actually seen the pair in question then they'd sort of be lost on you all and so I'm going with the simplest argument.
John Smith: Oh.
All: (polite applause) Next?
Dementor 1: I'll go. I think she belongs with Draco Malfoy.
Bella: Narcissa's son? I see. And is she of good birth?
Dementor 1: Well her parents are dentists so I imagine they managed to get into a nice enough hospital.. OH! You mean is she pureblood? No. She's Muggleborn.
Death Eaters: DIE MUDBLOOD SCUM! MUGGLE FILTH! INSULT TO OUR-
John Smith: She's not here you morons.
Death Eaters: Oh. That's all right then.
Bella: You would insult my bloodline by suggesting that my nephew shack up with a Muggleborn?
Dementor 1: Yep. Can't you see the glorious pathos of the entire situation?
Bella: Only if pathos is Ancient Greek for 'idiotic storyline'.
John Smith: Personally, I feel that the 'opposites attract' relationships are always interesting and entertaining to read, though they tend to arouse suspicions that both participants are less than intelligent if you want my opinion.
All: … (silence)…
John Smith: Which apparently you didn't.
Dementor 3: Which brings us to MY favoured ship. Ron and Hermione. They're both Harry Potter's best friends, they're both intelligent, albeit in different ways, and they bicker all the time thereby showing pent up emotional and sexual frustrations.
John Smith: Er… how old are these children?
Dementor 3: Well if this is being written… er, I mean, if this meeting is taking place shortly after Sirius Black's escape then they'd all be thirteen.
John Smith: How much pent up sexual frustration can a thirteen year old really have?
Bella: That's nothing mate. According to a recently released family tree of mine, my dad had me when he was like twelve.
Dementor 1: Look! Do you want to discuss Hermione Granger romantic life or do you want to discuss the sexual energies of thirteen year olds? Hmm?
All: …
John Smith: Can I just go back to my cell and rot for six months?
Dementors 1, 2 and 3: NO!
John Smith: (sigh) I think I preferred this place when it was a soul-destroying hell-hole.
Rookwood: Oh don't say things like that… just wait until Charades night! That'll change your mind!
John Smith: (facepalm)
Dementor 1: So who thinks Draco and Hermione are made for each other?
Rookwood: (raises hand)
Lestrange Two: (raises hand also) (receives odd looks) What! I'm a sucker for tortured romances all right?
Rookwood: I just love the idea that those two crazy kids might make it work… (sniffle)
Dementor 2: Okaaaaaay… and who thinks Harry and Hermione are made for each other?
Bella: (raises hand)
Lestrange One: (raises hand also) (is surprised when no one even bothers to look to him for an explanation and just looks at his wife)
Bella: That horrid little piece of Dark-Lord-Slaying Filth DESERVES to be with a Mudblood! Muhahaha! Muhahahah! Muhahaha-
John Smith: Knock it off you little Drama Queen.
Lestrange One: Does no one want to know MY reasoning?
All: …
Lestrange Two: (smirk) Apparently not. Nyah!
Dementor 3: And who thinks Ron and Hermione?
Tony: (raises hand)
John Smith: (raises hand wearily)
Lestrange One: Hey John Smith! Since you're the Author Surrogate, does this mean that the Author ships Ron and Hermione?
John Smith: Oh you poor, hubristic fool, do you really think any of this has any meaning by this point?
Dementors 1, 2 and 3: WOWEE! It's a three-way tie! How unexpectedly politically correct of the author!
John Smith: Damn right it's unexpected, have you read the rest of this? The only politically correct thing she's done so far is say "Elderly Gentlemen" at the start rather than "Old guys with turkey necks and wooden teeth"…
…
Oh. See? Now that's gone too.
Dementor 2: Hmm. How tragic.
Dementor 3: Yes indeedy.
Dementor 1: Quite.
Dementor 2: Like OMG! The OC is on! Hurry! Hurry!
Death Eaters: Oh no! We've missed the start!
Dementors 2 and 3: Quick! Fetch the diet cokes!
John Smith: Good Lord, somebody shoot me!
Author's Other Note: If you've made it this far with your brain intact, kudos to you. Actually no one cares about kudos. HERE! Have a cookie. Fresh from the oven too… My other writings are a lot saner than this, I assure you. But I'm basically running on exhaustion and Red Bull here and these are the consequences.
Reviews are my heroin so please feel free to feed my addiction.