The Four and a Half Doctors Part Three

Notes: Last part. And I know you're all devastated.

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Susan looked up from her magazine as the wheeze of ancient engines filled the control room.

"Mr Chesterton! Miss Wright! They're here!" she called, getting up and rapping smartly on one of the bedroom doors. A little scuffling noise came from inside along with quite a lot of giggling. Then Ian and Barbara shuffled out, both looking rather rumpled and giving each other sheepish glances.

"Whatever have you been doing?" asked Susan in alarm. "Is that blood on your collar Mr Chesterton?"

Ian fingered his collar. "Er…why yes, I think it is. Barbara, would you help me get cleaned up?"

"Of course," she said quickly. They were just making their way to the medical room when people started to come out of the TARDIS by the console.

"Never mind," said Ian, rubbing the lipstick off by himself. Susan pretended not to notice.

"Stop shoving me young man!" snapped the Third Doctor as he was rudely pushed out of the TARDIS, swiftly followed by Ten.

"Serves you right for breaking my mug," he said snidely. He looked around, grinning. "This brings back memories. Hello Susan."

"Hello," she said, stepping forwards to shake his hand. "What number are you?"

"Ten," he announced proudly.

"Good gracious!" she said. "Of course, you already know Mr Chesterton and Miss Wright."

"Yes, hello again Chesterfield," he teased, shaking Ian's hand. "Ahh lipstick on your collar again old chap? You two certainly keep yourselves busy."

"'Lo everyone," said Nine, giving them all a wave. "Rose, this is Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton and Barbara Wright."

"How do you do?" said Barbara, offering her hand politely and smiling at Rose.

"I'm…fine, thanks," said Rose, feeling a little awkward.

"Where's Mr Cricket? Bringing up the rear as usual," said Ten playfully.

"Oh yes, do poke fun," said Five good naturedly but rolling his eyes all the same. "Good to see you all again. Now, Susan, what seems to be the problem?"

"I simply don't know," said Susan, going with him towards the console. "Grandfather was fine tuning the control that opens the door so it would open more smoothly. Then he just vanished!"

"Well it can't possibly be the door control…" said Three, using the sonic screwdriver successfully to open one of the panels.

"Grandfather?" whispered Rose to Ten as Nine got stuck in, ripping out all sorts of cables, much to the distress of the others.

"Ah. Yes, well," he said nervously, blushing. "You remember how I said that I'd…danced?"

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And speaking of dancing…

Four looked around desperately as he too was forced onto the stage by a crowd of middle aged women who seemed to think his voice was incredibly sexy. Which was fine, but now he was expected to get up with the others to do some ridiculous Earth dance.

"I blame you four for this," hissed Two as the music started in a blast of trumpets.

"How were we supposed to know it was Ladies' Night?" demanded Eight.

"We could have left three hours ago, but you lot insisted on staying and getting Six intoxicated!" Four said, wrestling his scarf away from a large woman who he'd found out earlier was called Frida Balls.

"Hello ladiessss!" slurred Six, whipping off his jacket and throwing it to the crowd.

"Dance fools, dance!" yelled Frida, throwing it right back. It hit Six in the face and he toppled over, giggling quietly to himself.

"What is this dance anyway?" asked Four in a sort of desperation.

"Just follow me," said Seven, leading them into a series of strange actions as the chorus began. God only knows why he knew them in the first place.

"What on Gallifrey is a YMCA?" Two asked over the screaming. Eight was laughing by this time and dancing along, finding the situation hilarious. Four looked around desperately for an escape route.

"Even the sonic screwdriver won't get me out of this one," he mumbled pathetically before being pounced on again by women.

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While Rose discovered just how much dancing the Doctor had done and Ian and Barbara crept away to do God knows what, the other Doctors and Susan seemed to be completely demolishing the TARDIS console and rebuilding it from scratch. Five was sat cross legged on the floor covered in cables looking immensely happy, while Nine had his head stuck underneath on of the panels. Three and Susan were trying to mend something that looked terribly complicated, and the First Doctor, who was looking down on them all from the scanner, kept throwing out random criticism and insults.

"Why on Gallifrey has no one tried the dimensional stabiliser yet?" he shouted crossly. "It's getting rather cold here and I keep getting attacked by very large courgettes."

"Oh keep your hair on, we haven't even found the dimensional stabiliser yet," said Nine, his voice muffled from inside the console. "How the heck did I ever manage to fly this thing? The layout's completely insane!"

"Well it was about to be turned into scrap metal when I stole it, but it was obvious it still worked so I…recycled it," said One defensively.

"Yeah I remember," said Nine. "And I'm beginning to think there was a reason it was going to be turned into environmentally friendly pencils."

"I have one of those!" said Five brightly, who was cheerfully wrestling with all the wires.

"This isn't the dimensional stabiliser either," said Three after much deliberation, fitting the gadget him and Susan had been looking at back into place. "Well that's one component down."

"Only about half a million to go then," said Ten, pulling out his own sonic screwdriver.

"Is this it?" asked Five, scrambling free of the cables and pointing to a little red button inside the panel that Nine had opened.

"Don't touch that!" yelled both One and Susan before there was a little 'pfft' noise and the TARDIS was plunged into darkness.

"Um…sorry?" said Five's voice from inside the gloom. He suddenly let out a cry of pain. "OK, who kicked me?"

"I'll fetch a torch," said Susan. The rest of them vaguely made out her silhouette in the dim light given off by the central column as she walked away carefully, her hands stretched out in front of her.

There was a buzzing noise and Ten's face was suddenly illuminated by a blue light. "Shift over you, let's have a look at that button," he said, pushing Five aside.

"So this is my future hmm? Well I am very worried in that case, very worried indeed!" said One's infuriated voice.

"Oh great. So we can't see him, but we can still hear him? Nice work Blondie," said Ten, still searching for the dimensional stabiliser in the meagre light given off by his sonic screwdriver.

"Yes and I can still hear you, thank you very much!" was One's retort.

"I don't believe it!" said Five. "Can one of you two shine a sonic screwdriver this way for a moment? I think I've found the problem." Ten obliged and Five held up two cables to the light. "Yes! This is supposed to be one cable, but see? It's frayed and snapped. That's why--"

"Give it here, I'll fix it," said Nine, flicking the settings on his own screwdriver.

"I could reverse the polarity of the neutron flow if you like," offered Three.

"No thanks, I want to keep my face," said Nine, his jaw clenched in concentration as the two ends of the wire began to knit back together. Job done, he grinned in delight. "There we are!"

There was a low hum and the lights came back on. They all stood around, blinking slightly.

"That wasn't part of the dimensional stabiliser after all, was it?" said Three, sounding very tired.

"We were still looking for the dimensional stabiliser? I thought we just needed the lights back on," said Five, looking puzzled. "The button wasn't working, so I thought--"

Ten walked back over to Rose as another argument began, the First Doctor shouting something about vegetables. "Sorry about all this," he said apologetically.

"Well. Now I know you're all insane," she said, shrugging delicately.

"Oh yes. I'm not a special case or anything," he said, grinning. "And just so you know, I think the others prefer 'eccentric'."

"Check," said Rose.

"This must be a bit boring for you," he said.

"Boring? It's hilarious in here, watching you all argue amongst yourselves. Anyway, how can I be bored with you?" she said sweetly. "And now of course it's quadruple the fun."

"Sometimes, I don't think I deserve you Miss Tyler," he said, putting his arm around her shoulders.

"You fixed the lights!" said Susan, coming back into the control room. "You won't be needing this then," she added, putting a torch on top of the console, and as it happened, on top of the dimensional stabiliser.

Suddenly there was a loud groaning noise. Susan's eyes grew very wide and she clutched the Third Doctor's sleeve in fright. There was a flash and a puff of smoke, and One appeared on the control room floor, his arms around a very large courgette.

"Finally," he said, thrusting the vegetable at Five, who caught it, toppled over and promptly vanished.

"Rose," said Nine, stretching out his hand. Rose made a grab for it but he had already disappeared with the others, returned to his own time.

"As for you young man," said One, rounding on Ten. "You and your assistant have far outstayed your welcome."

"Right, yes, better be going anyway," said Ten briskly. "Come on Rose."

"Coming," she said, looking at the spot where Nine had just been. She sighed wistfully. "I'd just got used to having you around again," she mumbled.

She felt a hand on her arm. "Come on young lady. Chin up," said One kindly, escorting her back to the TARDIS. "It's time you stopped wanting what you can't have, and started appreciating what you have already."

She smiled at him, and for a moment saw her old Doctor smiling back at her. "Thanks," she said. "Bye Susan."

"Goodbye Rose," Susan replied warmly. "Do visit again sometime."

"Yeah, why not?" she said, grinning as she stepped into her Doctor's TARDIS.

Susan and her grandfather watched it dematerialise. Then the Doctor rubbed his hands together.

"Now then Susan, where were we?" he said, reaching for the console again. Susan stopped him quickly.

"Why don't you check that it's all working properly first Grandfather?" she suggested.

"Quite right, quite right," he said. "Why don't you go and find your teachers while I finish off here?"

"Yes alright," said Susan, walking in the complete opposite direction to that which Ian and Barbara had gone. She definitely did not want to walk in on anything that she would need to recall in therapy later.

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"And now you shall do a special dance for Frida, yes?" said Frida, grabbing the Fourth Doctor's collar.

"Please no," he murmured, before disappearing neatly, leaving Frida grasping at thin air. She drooped sadly but was quickly swept into a conga line and passed another drink. And with the magic of alcohol, all was forgotten.

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"There you are! I was beginning to get worried," said Sarah Jane, walking into the library. "I couldn't find you anywhere! Whatever have you been doing Doctor?"

"Oh Sarah," gasped the Fourth Doctor in relief, putting his head in his hands. "Never again. Never again."

"Are you alright?" she asked, taking in his rather crumpled clothes and tired face.

"I will be fine," he said, embracing her tightly. "Thank God! Thank God!"

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"Doctor! Where on Earth did you get to?" cried Peri as the Sixth Doctor appeared in the middle of the control room. He giggled and slumped against the console.

"Peri, you know I've always loved you," he slurred.

"Are you drunk?" she said, aghast.

He paused, thinking. "Does it bother you?" he asked.

Peri smiled wickedly. "Not really, no."

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"Oof!" said Five as he landed hard on his bedroom floor, the courgette on top of him.

"Doctor? Are you alright in there? You've overslept," said Tegan as she pushed the door open.

"Good morning Tegan," said the Doctor, wheezing a little from the weight of the courgette.

Tegan stared at him for a moment. "Oh Doctor," she said, shaking her head as she observed the strange scene set out before her. "You and your hobbies."

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And that is that! I hope you have enjoyed my excuse for a fic, and don't forget to leave a review when you're done!