The Chronicles of Quagmire
Part 3
When we left Quagmire a genie told him that he must kill Peter Griffin. Also we left off in a dramatic ending that included suspenseful music written by Bethoven.
Dun dun dun.
Quagmire: Look genie, I don't know if I can do this. I mean Peter is my best friend.
Genie: Name one thing that he's ever done for you. It has to be a good thing.
FLASHBACK:
Everyone is at Quagmire's 13th birthday.
Peter: Happy freakin' birthday , Quagmire.
Quagmire opens a giant present. The present is he opens is Pamela Anderson.
Quagmire: Gigity... gigity...gigity!
His hair grows an alfalfa.
BACK TO NORMAL LIFE
Quagmire: You see, Peter gave me good things before.
Genie: Okay then. Either you kill him or I kill you.
Quagmire: Alright, I'll kill him. But I'll need help from a proffesional.
He dials a number on his watch. Spider-Man comes down.
Quagmire: Hey you're not an assasin.
Spider-Man: So? I'm not even a superhero. I work at Publix.
Quagmire: Then who was doing all those deeds that everyone thought you did?
Spider-Man: Venom.
Quagmire: And all this time everyone thought he was the bad guy.
At Adam West's house.
Quagmire rings the doorbell.
Adam West opens it.
Adam: What can I do for you, Glenn?
Quagmire: Mayor West, I need the best assasin in the world.
Adam: Say no more, I'll call him for. All you have to do, is meet him by the bank tomorrow at 9:30 a.m. Is that all right?
Quagmire: Alllllllllllll right!
At the bank the next day.
Quagmire is pacing back and forth looking at his watch.
Quagmire: Where the hell is he?
Just then Stewie Griffin comes up.
Quagmire: Wait a minute, Stewie? You're the greatest assasin?
Stewie: Yes and if you question me again I'll put you on diaper detail and I promise I won't make it easy for you.
Quagmire: Stewie how can I repay you?
Stewie: Hmmmmm. Get me something from a prostitute.
Quagmire: No I tried that once. It didn't work.
FLASHBACK:
At the police auction.
Auctioneer: Welcome. We open up today's bidding with this pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks!
Auctioneer: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: ... forty five bucks.
Auctioneer: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: ...fifty bucks.
BACK IN NORMAL TIME
Stewie: Well then you don't have to repay me.
Outside the Griffin's house at night.
Quagmire: So Stewie how do you plan to kill Peter?
Stewie: Just hide behind the bushes.
Quagmire goes behind the bushes.
Stewie rings the doorbell. Peter comes out.
Peter: Are you a girl scout? 'Cause I don't want any drugs.
Stewie takes out a rocket launcher.
Stewie: Now is the winter of your discontent!
Stewie shoots Peter.
Stewie: Victory is mine!
Quagmire: Way to go Stewie. Here's 15 dollars.
Stewie: Thank you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.
Quamire: Well I guess I should go see the genie.
Out front of Publix. Spider-Man is carrying a lady's bags to her car.
Lady: Thanks Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: Everybody gets one.
He shoots some web and swings away.
Quagmire walks up to the genie.
Quagmire: All right genie, I killed Peter. Now why do you exist?
Genie: I have no clue.
Quagmire: You mean to tell me that I just killed my best friend for nothing?
Genie: Yeah pretty much.
Quagmire stands their mad.
Quagmire: I'm going to Dr. Phil.
He storms off.
Well that's the end. Hope you enjoyed the randomness of my mind. I'll be working on a new story called "Doomed".
Please review this story!