Author: Jo'Siris
Pairing: S/J
Rating: T
Category: Humour
Summary: Title says it all!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All characters in this fic belong to MGM, Double secret productions and Gecko productions.
This is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to endure, and getting harder by the minute. I am trying to remind myself that I'm here to pee. That Sam is only helping me, and the fact her hand is wrapped around my flaccid shaft is not meant to be arousing. I am trying to think of something safe, baseball. Hockey…Carter in my hockey jersey…No, shit.
"Um, Sir?" Does she have to slide those delicate fingers quite so tantalisingly down my flesh?
This is getting harder by the minute…literally.
"I can't go…" Squeeze. Do. Not. Squeeze.
"Can I help?" Could she help? Oh, God, yes! "Do you want me to call Janet?" Two of them? So not going there. And yet…
"No, Carter. Just gimme a minute." And stop…and ooh fingernail, that's…wait a minute. "Carter, are you giggling?"
"Who me, Sir?" Giggle. "No, Sir. I am just trying to…give you a hand."
"Carter, for cryin' out loud. You're not helping here."
"You may not have wanted my help, Sir. But 'someone' is definitely pleased to see me."
Carter torture, the Goa'uld wouldn't know what hit them if she tried this with them. Icky. Not going there either.
"You are having way to much amusement at my expense, Carter." And if you just move your hand to…ooooh yeah, baby.
" I'm sorry, Sir. Maybe Janet could give you something to help relieve the pressure?"
Snort. 'Oh no, Carter, it's ME who could give you something and it would definitely relieve the pressure.' "Quit hassling me and I might be able to go. You can't pee to order, ya know!"
If only I hadn't broken both of my arms. If only I had let Janet put the damn bag in instead of insisting I could manage with a little help. Now I don't need to pee; now I need to…
Evil Carter. She knows exactly what she's doing. And hey if she was ordered to help take care of my needs then we aren't really breaking the regs. 'Hmm Major, be a dear and go and help relieve the Colonel. Use any necessary means.'
Yeah sure ye betcha!
"Tell me again why YOU are doing this? Where are Teal'c and Daniel?" This would NOT happen with the guys. My 'friend' doesn't find them nearly as interesting.
"They have gone out with other SG teams. I could go and get a nurse if that would help any?"
"No!" No, I'll just go back to my bed and play wigwam with the sheets until my sadistic brain decides to let the image of your hand on my cock slip from my every waking thought in the near future.
"I don't need to go now, Carter. I'm going back to bed. You can go back to whatever it was you were doing." Before you gave me a hard-on the size of Texas.
Do NOT slide the hand down there…ooh...no… Bad Carter. "You know me, Sir. If I start something I see it through to the end. You might not know if you are 'coming' or 'going' but I think I might be able to help you make up your mind!"
Did she? Was she? "Carter, I don't think…"
Oooh, another hand, and hello to you too. Oh, just there and…Oh that feels good…
"Carter, stop, we shouldn't be…"
NO! I didn't mean stop…Aah that's better. "I mean this is…above and beyond the call of duty and…" Do that again and I am gonna…
Whoops! Too late. 10 CC's of O'Neill's finest for the Doctor.
"Think you can pee now, Sir?"
Sigh. "Oh, I think I so, Carter. Thank you." Thank you for the giving me the best hand job in…
"You're welcome, Sir. Anytime." Mind how you zip up…phew.
Hang on, anytime? Woohoo, she likes you little buddy…down boy!
Perhaps these broken arms aren't so bad after all.
End.