First SasuNaru ever, first Dark! fic, really trying here! Being a Mistress of Comedy, it's hard to write sad stuff… Even if my taste actually favors sad, dramatic, deadly and uselessly depressing things, I can't write them. Imagine them, narrate them (out loud) but not write.
Even so, I am very happy you guys chose to read this, and hope you enjoy. I wanted to put a lemon, but it wouldn't fit with the atmosphere…u.u,
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never was. Could be if I had the money to buy, or even a time machine that could send me to the past and make me own all the Naruto-bishies, but isn't. Oh I could cry…
IMPORTANT:
'dudidudiduuuu' thought
"dudidudiduuuu" speech
NOTE: I don't wanna write this in the end: Naruto whispers/croaks (unless told otherwise) throughout the fic, and I hope you guys are smart enough to know the change of tone of voice other wise
Selbstmord Versuch (1)
Naruto was sitting in his bathroom, under the running water of the shower.
There was a dagger in one hand, and a kunai in the other. Not a really big difference between the two weapons when it came to ending one's life. And an even littler difference when it came to ending Naruto's life, or Kyuubi's life. Yes, Kyuubi. That's what he was, what he is, what he was —no— is seen as through the eyes of the villagers. The insults, the beatings, the glares, all that has been drilled into him for nearly over sixteen years, he started to believe their harsh words. After all, hadn't he been the one to have failed to bring Sasuke back? Wasn't he the one to nearly have failed the second time?
Yes, Sasuke was back. Naruto brought him back months ago. They –no– Sasuke came back bruised and bleeding, Naruto was just there. Bruised and bleeding as well, sure, but who cares? He heals fast anyway. No, he wasn't what mattered. Sasuke was what mattered; he was injured, he had to be healed. He wasn't abnormal, he was normal, he was an Uchiha for heaven's sake! The Uchiha clan was one of the most powerful clans in existence, they were special, they were important. While he was taken to the hospital for emergency treatment, Naruto was left behind, there, at the gates, standing under the rain. He didn't know how long he stood there, alone, in the rain, drenched to the bone. Long enough to catch pneumonia, he was sure, but that wouldn't happen, would it? After all, Kyuubi healed all his wounds…
Yes, everyone now knew that he had the cursed creature within him. They all knew that when he was angry, Kyuubi would lend him chakra. They all knew that his wounds were healed by him. They all knew that he had no one. They all knew that the Akatsuki used to be after him (that was before Sasuke killed his brother; the others were killed by the Konoha ANBU). They all knew that he dreamt of being Hokage. They all knew he was loud and a prankster.
But no one knew he was hurting.
No one knew that attitude was a façade. No one knew that he used reverse psychology. No one knew he cried himself to sleep every night. No one knew Kyuubi tore the wounds open again once they were within the four walls of his 'home'. No one knew that Kyuubi healed him, letting him fell all the pain ten times worse. No one knew what he had been through every time he had met Akatsuki during his training with Jiraiya. No one knew that he had lost his dream of becoming Hokage a long, long time ago. No one knew how painful it was to have no one. They all had some friends after all…
No one knew that his first (and failed) attempt of suicide was at the tender age of seven. He was at Iruka-sensei's house doing the chores to pay for the damage he did while pranking him. As he was doing the laundry he saw the chemicals (the one used to protect the machine from the calc and stuff; no idea what's it called), and an idea hit him; he took out the bottle and drank half of the contents. He was found shortly after by Iruka, lying on the floor, writhing, twitching, moaning in pain, with the half empty bottle slowly leaking on the floor. It didn't take long for him to heal because of Kyuubi, and he never hated Kyuubi more than then. Iruka and the rest blamed it on his young age and pranking nature, and knew nothing of his true intentions; they couldn't, not when Naruto so cleverly put up another display of fake happiness and stupidity.
Nor did anyone know of the second, third, fourth time… it was amazing how many times he challenged fate, how many times he escaped certain death.
And now? Now, he was sitting under the running water, nude, contemplating which blade he should use to slit open his veins, or should he even bother to filthy the floor when he could just simply drown. Either way, no one would check up on him; no one cared, and no one but the Hokage and his landlord knew where he lived anyways…
Drowning is downright painful, and he has had his share of pain already. Not to mention it took forever to die in that way. Slitting his wrists wouldn't really work, as Kyuubi would heal him, but…
What if he left the knife in the wrist? Through the bone? Wouldn't that work…?
…
"I could try…"
Naruto took out a rope he placed beside the shampoo, and binded the two blades together. Just to make sure. Just to be safe… Just to make sure he won't miss…
He ignored the cries in his head, he ignored his conscious, Kyuubi's cries, his tears, the erratic beating of his nervous heart, everything. He just wanted everything to end…
"Just to end…."
Taking the last few breaths of air he was sure he'll ever take again, he stretched out one arm, raised the other, aimed for the wrist and…
Sasuke walked towards where he just found out was Naruto's place. He only just realized that he never bothered to know anything about the other boy. He didn't even know when the kid's birthday was, or why the only element he mentioned about himself was nothing but raamen instead of introducing himself on their first day with Kakashi. Now he felt like a stupid duck (regardless of his hairdo).
He noticed, when he woke up in the hospital, that Naruto wasn't there, that no one bothered to mention his name, to even look up of he was okay. It pissed him off that he was the one to be greeted warmly when it was obviously Naruto they had to thank, not him. Managing to "convince" the doctors to let him out, he decided to pay his friend a visit. No, it wasn't because he was worried sick about his crush, no, it was just to check on his lo—friend. Then he realized…
…that he didn't even know where he lived. He had no damn idea where he lived.
Fuck.
He should know where his… infatuation lived. He should. He had to know everything about his Dobe. That's the reason he knew what underwear he wore. Usually, not all the time, okay?
It took him quite some time to convince Shizune to give him the address (Hokage was stone-drunk, sleeping too deeply on a pile of very comfortable looking paper work to be woken), and even more time to find the guts to so much as head in that direction.
Lost in his thoughts, he didn't even realize he was in front of the door until he bumped his forehead on it. Blinking slightly, he raised enough courage to knock on the large piece of wood.
"No answer…"
He tried again, but it was in vain. He then tried the door knob, which, surprisingly was…
"Open… Why--?"
Carefully going inside, Sasuke called for Naruto. Quietly the first time, a little louder the second, his voice rising with every call.
Still getting no answer after the ump-teenth time, he slowly looked around… a small apartment, poorly kept, cracks on the walls, on the door, on the windows, on the furniture… he was surprised this dump was even intact…
Going farther, he noticed that the bathroom door was slightly open, a faint light and steam coming through it. That the electricity worked seemed like a wonder. Not to mention the water… how did those get here…?
"Naruto..?" he called out softly, reaching for the door.
Opening it slightly, he stuck his head in only to see…
"NARUTO!"
Naruto's head shot up, his hand missing the wrist, the blades colliding with the floor, leaving a crack on it. Sasuke was at the door… What was he doing here? Why the hell was he here? What did he want now?
"Sasuke…"
"NARUTO! What the hell do you think you're doing!"
"Sasuke…" a horrifyingly soft voice "look what you did…I missed… and now the landlord will have a fit because of the crack… I can't even afford to repair it… look what you did…"
"Na-Naruto… what… what…"
Sasuke was speechless. This couldn't be Naruto… Naruto was happy… He was always happy, he always smiled, even if they were usually fake, Naruto never gave up, he never…
And yet he was there, on the floor, crying, weeping, about to kill himself, talking nonsense, nude, under the boiling, hot, steaming water…
Hot water!
Sasuke hurriedly took the shorter boy out of the shower as soon as the thought went through his head. He noticed the burns on the body, the skinny and bony body, he noticed how they refused to heal, he noticed how Naruto didn't stop mumbling, he noticed how the tears didn't stop flowing, he noticed…
He noticed that the Naruto he knew wasn't who he thought he was.
He gently settled the blonde boy on the bed, his arms still wound tight around him. The slight sobbing didn't stop, the shivering increased, the tears flowed out faster.
Naruto looked so lost, his eyes were dim, glossy, his lips, his pink wet lips were still mumbling, hadn't stopped mumbling, his one hand still clutching the roped-up blades tightly, so tightly his knuckles were white, his whole body didn't stop twitching…
Sasuke was at loss. He didn't know what to do. So he just held on firmly, the smaller young man securely in his arms, rocking gently, whispering sweet nothings into his ears, trying to calm him down.
He apparently could, as Naruto slowly did calm down. It took quite some time, though, as Naruto was still in his own little world of despair. As the sobbing calmed down, so did the slight rocking. There was only a light ragged breathing to be heard.
"Sa… Sas--uke… wha…?"
"Naruto, are you all right?"
"I'm f-fine… why… are you here…? Am I dead? Is this hell? Why does hell look like my room? Why are you in hell? Why do you look like Sasuke? Are you my demon? Will you torture me like Sasuke did?"
Sasuke was at loss for words again for the… he didn't know how many times he was struck speechless anymore… He looked down into blue eyes, speaking softly.
"No, I am no demon; you aren't dead, nor are you in hell."
He slowly reached out a hand to stroke a scarred cheek when Naruto flinched away, and struggling weakly, futilely against the strong hold around him.
"Let me… Let me g-go… I don't… don't wanna…" Naruto whimpered pitifully.
Sasuke shushed him tenderly, rocking again slowly to calm the distraught boy.
"Naruto… Naruto, calm down, I'm not going to hurt you, okay? Breathe, deep and slowly, just breathe… hush…"
Naruto sobbed raggedly "Sasu... Sa… Why? Why are you here? Why did you stop me…?"
Sasuke just stared at him. He then lowered them on the bed, trying as he could to get into a comfortable position (A/N: mind out of the gutter, you twerps! Out of the gutter! Out! Now!), spooning the younger against him.
He drew in a few awkward breaths before answering.
"I came… because I was worried…"
"Worried? You can't be worried… No one has ever been worried… not about me… not…a demon… alone… I am alone…"
"I was worried... I am worried… You're not alone, I'm here… Ssh I'm here…"
Sasuke gathered Naruto in his arms, carried him to the bed. The sheets were all over the place. They had brown patches every where, some were still lightly red and damp. Doesn't look like it was in the wash for a long time…
'This is not good' Sasuke thought 'I should bring him at my place…'
Sasuke reluctantly took the filthy sheets, covered Naruto in them, and carried him to his own apartment. Once there, Sasuke hurried to wash Naruto; he put him in a warm water filled tub, and while Naruto just sat in there, he undressed and settled himself behind him. It was to make sure he could clean Naruto without having to struggle to get a good hold of him, although he doubted Naruto would or even could struggle at the moment at all, and also so he could just hold him. Just, hold him so he could feel him.
After a long and gentle rub, Sasuke carried Naruto out into the bedroom. He put him under the sheets, tucking him in properly. He then sat on the mattress, leaning on his arm.
'What have they reduced you to?' thought Sasuke as he ran his fingers through a dozing Naruto's hair. He caressed the tresses for a long time, often brushing against the forehead, lightly fingering the cheeks, tracing lips and nose. 'How could they have done such horrible things to you?'
"Sasuke…?"
"…?" Sasuke looked up at the sound of his name. He caught the stare of two eyes, two blue, empty yet desperate eyes.
"Sasuke… Sasuke come here." Soft fingers trailed down his cheek, up to his brow and down his nose. The same fingers traveled behind his ears, tugging lightly, coaxing. 'Come here…'
Encouraged by the touch, Sasuke leaned closer; he was uncomfortable, his body twisted half way around sitting on the edge of the bed, but he didn't mind; Naruto was there, he called for him, he needed him, wanted him. It could be seen in his eyes. Half empty, desperate eyes that cried out for help and attention.
Soft lips met, not kissing, merely touching. A feather light touch.
"Why?" A good question that went both ways.
Why did you try to end everything?
Why did you come?
Why didn't you say anything?
Why do you care?
Why so little confidence?
Why did you bring me here?
Why do you care about knowing all of that?
Why are you so gentle?
Why are you touching?
Why do you tempt?
Why do you care?
So many whys thrown back and forth, in a whispered conversation, so many answers that neither went so far as to look for, although they were just beyond their noses.
The joined lips skimmed across each other shyly, offering and taking unsure kisses. Sasuke was afraid of scaring Naruto if he rushed a bit, Naruto was afraid that this was all a fake.
"Is this all a play?"
"No…" No I'm serious, very serious… I would never play with you… not like this…
Naruto started to set tears free, and sobbed quietly.
"Naruto… Naruto, should I stop?"
"No… nngh… do-don't leave… don't stop… please don't…" don't humiliate me after this, don't abandon me, don't mock me, don't leave me…
"I won't…" I won't leave you, I won't hurt you, I won't abandon you…
They spent the night in each other's arms, whispering and sobbing. Soon their tears dried out, yet their breathing remained hacked. They lay just there, arms wrapped around each other, legs tangled, throughout the night.
The next morning, none of them appeared at the training grounds. Haruno stood there, on the bridge, wondering why neither of them appeared; she silently thought of her visit last night…
Haurno stopped in front of the door, a bag of medicine given by the Hokage in her hands. As the door opened, she threw the bag inside, and ran off as fast as she could. She couldn't stand being there; she couldn't look into his eyes. She couldn't… she felt guilty not being there for him earlier, when he returned with Sasuke in his arms.
She didn't notice how hurt Naruto looked when she turned her back to him.
Sakura made her mind up; she would pay Naruto a visit, but now she would do it properly.
Sakura arrived at the door, knocking softly. Receiving no answer, and over powered by her worry for Naruto, she jumped onto the tree in from if his bed room window. There she saw… A grin spread on her face. No one was there. She guessed who arrived here the night before after her.
Sasuke.
She took a small pink flower out of her patch and put it on the window sill; a cheery blossom. Hoping that her little action would be understood, she left and went home.
Later that afternoon, Sasuke and Naruto returned to his apartment to gather his possessions to move into the large mansion. They found the little blossom at the sill, and Naruto spilt tears once more. Not out of sadness, but gratitude.
Thank you. Thank you for supporting.
-.- okay, I know none of this makes sense, but I really wanted to get this out of my system. This was originally an answer to a challenge of an Author on Affnet, but I gave up and wrote it for myself. If it sounds like none sense, then it means that I actually wrote something that I myself understand. CosI completely forgot what the plot was... I mean, 6 months (and more) of trying to write something sad, and... well...so much for taking time to make something okay...
R+R would be very much appreciated! CX
(1) Selbstmord Versuch: Suicide tryout. (gr)