Superray: Hamlet

Have you ever noticed while reading Hamlet that the characters do and say some really weird things that make you just step back and go, "what?" Polonius, especially. That guy in the King of randomitudes.

I have studied Hamlet three times – three! – in the past five years. It's not a very interesting play, guys. Just because everyone dies at the end (not really!)…anyway, it was high time for Hamlet to look down the barrel of my Superray gun.

For anyone who doesn't know, my Superray gun is a gun that can shoot cast, crew, and whatever else into a movie script. It's mine, and mine alone. Grr.

Hence…

HAMLET

Written by silverjigsaw

Produced by upon the play by William Shakespeare

Bernardo: Hey, who's that?

Francisco: No, you tell me.

Bernardo: I'm the watchman, dude, now tell me who you are!

Francisco: Uh…your replacement?

Bernardo: Oh. Night then.

Horatio and Marcellus: enter

Francisco: Wait…who's THAT?

Horatio: Uh…friend.

Francisco: abandons his post

Bernardo: I'm scared. Horatio, are you scared?

Horatio: Nope. What, you scared by the phantom? The ghosty? You think he's going to reach out with his ghosty hands and grab you? Woooooooo!

Marcellus: He doesn't believe us.

Horatio: There's no such thing as ghosts.

Ghost: appears

Horatio: wets pants

Ghost: gestures

Horatio: What does it want?

Ghost: leaves

Horatio: Hey, wait a minute, he was all dressed up like a warrior King. Let's get Prince Hamlet to look at this dude.

Bernardo and Marcellus: Yeah, sure, that works.

King: quotes the Simpsons Yeah, I'm very sad about the old guy. It's all I can do to sit on his throne, wear his jewels, and score with his wife every night.

Laertes: I want to go back to school.

King: Yeah, sure, knock yourself out. You okay with that, Polonius?

Polonius: Yes, sir, I gave him my consent last night.

King: Consent? Night?

Polonius: Yes.

King: Oooookay. Anywho, Laertes, have fun.

Laertes: Sweet! French babes!

King: But anyway, Hamlet, you look mighty PO'd. Something up? You can talk to me, you know. We're family. Related, you know.

Hamlet: A little TOO related.

King: What? You still PO'd because of that whole marrying-your-mother-the-day-after-your-father's-funeral thing?

Queen: You can stop wearing black now, Hamlet. It's not common to wear black so shortly after a death.

Hamlet: Uh, yeah it is.

Queen: Why are you so sad?

Hamlet: Why do you THINK?

Queen: Please don't go back to Germany.

Hamlet: Fine.

Exit: Everyone important

Hamlet: My mother is such a slut.

Enter: Horatio, Bernardo, Marcellus

Hamlet: I mean, my mother is a wonderful woman! Hey, don't I know you from school or something?

Horatio: I was your roommate last year.

Hamlet: Oh. Horatio, right?

Horatio: Yes.

Hamlet: Cool. So why are you here?

Horatio: Your father's funeral.

Hamlet: Or my mother's marriage.

Horatio: What?

Hamlet: Nothing. I wish my father could have seen it though. He would've… and then…sometimes I do see him.

Horatio: You do? Where?

Hamlet: In my head. SO…what's up?

Horatio: Well, Get this. I'VE seen your father, out on the battlements. So I think you should stay up tonight and stand out in the freezing cold and wait to see the ghostly image of the father that was always disappointed in you.

Hamlet: Yeah, alright.

Laertes: So, Ophelia, don't sleep with Hamlet, okay?

Ophelia: Yeah, okay.

Polonius: So, Laertes, don't be stupid, okay?

Laertes: Yeah, okay.

Polonius: There's nothing wrong with this family at ALL.

Hamlet: It's cold.

Horatio: It's nippy.

Hamlet: It bites shrewdly.

Horatio: It…shit.

Hamlet: It's midnight, right?

Horatio: Not quite.

Marcellus: It just struck.

Hamlet: BURN. I WIN.

Horatio: What's that noise?

Hamlet: It's the sound of me BEATING YOUR ASS.

Horatio: No, seriously.

Hamlet: Oh, it's just the King and his drunken friends. Damn drunken Danes. Damn drunken danes dancing down Dunberry Downs-

Horatio: You're done.

Ghost: appears

Horatio: wets pants

Hamlet: Whoa! A ghost!

Ghost: gestures

Horatio: Looks like it wants you to go with him and YOU ALONE.

Marcellus: Hey, it looks nice. But don't go!

Horatio: No, no, don't go.

Hamlet: You're right. I think I will go.

Marcellus and Horatio: No! NO!

Hamlet: Hey, what could happen?

Ghost and Hamlet: Exit

Marcellus: Should we go after them?

Horatio: Nah.

Hamlet: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Ghost: Good God, my hour of torment is almost up.

Hamlet: Huh?

Ghost: Listen closely. Hamlet, I am your father.

Hamlet: No. No. That's not true. That's impossible.

Ghost: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

Hamlet: Noooo. Noooo.

Ghost: It's true. I'm confined to hell until SOMEONE can avenge my murder.

Hamlet: Murder? Do tell.

Ghost: I was napping one day when your Uncle Claudius , usurper of my throne and my bed, and incestuous, horrible bitch – good God, if you only knew what sort of horrors-

Hamlet: I get the idea. What did Claudius do?

Ghost: He poured poison in my ear.

Hamlet: Thaaaaat's not a snake bite. It's not even on the same part of the body.

Ghost: Yeah. So remember. Kill Claudius, spare your mother, and then I can get on with my afterlife.

Hamlet: By Grabthar's hammer, by the suns of Morvan, I shall not sleep until you are avenged.

Ghost: WTF? I'm going back to Hell now. Toodles.

Ghost: goes back to Hell

Horatio and Marcellus: now they enter

Horatio: So, he's gone. Yay!

Hamlet: I need you two to swear that you'll serve me and do my bidding.

Horatio and Marcellus: Uh…

Ghost: DO IT!

Horatio and Marcellus: We swear!

Hamlet: Yes! Now let's go kill the King!

Horatio: Wait, what?

Polonius: So, Reynaldo, here's some letters to take to France. Here's the keys to Laertes' dorm room in France. Oh, and here's some money, buy yourself a nice dress in France.

And keep a close eye on my son there, Reynaldo.

Reynaldo: You just said my name. I am SO dead now.

Polonius: That's not true. The only one guaranteed to die is Hamlet because Shakespeare named the whole play after him.

Reynaldo: Oh, you're SO dead.

Polonius: Shut up and go to Hell!

Reynaldo: I think you mean France.

Polonius: Whatever.

Reynaldo: exits

Ophelia: enters

Ophelia: Oh, Daddy, Daddy!

Polonius: Yes, tool, I mean daughter?

Ophelia: I was in my dressing room when Prince Hamlet comes in all half-dressed crazy-like and then he checked my temperature and then he shook his head and then he walked backwards out of the room and then I came straight here!

Polonius: Well, clearly he's in love with you! Let's go tell the King!

King: So, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, old friends of Hamlet, you know what I want. I want you to spy on Hamlet and tell me what he's up to. He's up to something. One doesn't dress in black after a death and not be up to something.

Queen: He loves you. He adores you. He talks about you all the time.

Rosencrantz: We are at your command.

King: Thank you, Guildenstern.

Guildenstern: I'm Guildenstern.

Queen: Thank you, Rosencrantz.

Rosencrantz: I'm Rosencrantz.

King: Now go spy on Hamlet, you easily disposable idiots!

Polonius: enters

Polonius: I've got good news and I've got bad news. Which do you want first?

King: Let's start with the bad news, and then end with the good news because everything should end happily ever after.

Queen: Not like this play will.

Polonius: Er…yes…anyhoodle, the new King of Norway has sent us word that he will not continue the war we've been having for the last ten years.

King: Convenient, especially since my dead not by my hands brother killed the old King of Norway in battle.

Queen: This is the bad news?

Polonius: Yes. Because the Prince Fortinbras of Norway is coming to kill us all to avenge his father's death.

King: That's not too common, is it?

Polonius: Why would you care? You haven't killed anybody.

King: Yes, of course. Let's go eat!

Queen: Then what is the good news?

Polonius: Oh, yeah. The good news is that Hamlet is absolutely insane because he's in love with my daughter!

Queen: Sweet! Two weddings in one month!

King: You're sure, right?

Polonius: Dead sure.

Queen: You are SO dead now.

Polonius: Will people stop SAYING that. Look, here comes Hamlet. Everyone go away so he won't suspect a thing.

Everyone Important: exits

Polonius: Oh, hello, Hamlet. Fancy meeting you here.

Hamlet: insults him in crazyese

Polonius: What?

Hamlet: insults his daughter in crazyese

Polonius: Oh, he's in love with Ophelia.

Hamlet: calls him a slut in crazyese

Polonius: Rrrrrriiight.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Enter

Polonius: Look there's Hamlet! You! Talk to him! Now! runs away

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Hi.

Hamlet: Well, don't you look like a set of homofratrisexual twins!

Rosencrantz: Uh…sure.

Hamlet: Who are you again?

Guildenstern: Friends.

Hamlet: I'm not really insane, you know.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Sure.

Hamlet: I mean, if I was crazy, I wouldn't think that you were just a spy sent by my Uncle.

Rosencrantz: Uh…

Guildenstern: HEY look at the time ready for some Players to enter and distract you?

Players: recite poetry

Hamlet: Sweet.

Polonius: So, Hammy, are you enjoying yourself with the courtly players?

Hamlet: Dead God, he's treating me like I'm two.

Polonius: You sweet little two-face you.

Everyone Important: Exits

Hamlet: So, like, you're going to do this play that's pretty much exactly like what my Uncle and Mother did to my Father.

Players: Yeah, okay.

Hamlet: Nice. I'm going to go talk to myself in this corner, mmkay?

Players: Long as you pay the bills.

Hamlet: Yeah, sure, bills. Man, do I suck as a person. I suck, suck, suck, suck spaghetti, which is weird because I'm Danish and shouldn't know how to eat spaghetti. I am a terrible son and I deserve to die because I haven't killed my Uncle yet and now he's in torment in Hell. If only I wasn't so smart that I wouldn't know that it's totally wrong to kill people. Well, not unless it's wrong. But it IS wrong, because I know he's dead. Wait…what if the ghost is lying? Wait! Of course! The players! They could do a play that's pretty much exactly like what my Uncle and Mother did to my Father! THE PLAY'S THE THING WHEREIN I'LL CATCH THE CONSCIENCE OF THE KING!

King: So, what'd Hamlet tell you?

Rosencrantz: He said he's not insane.

Queen: Anything else?

Guildenstern: No. Some Players showed up and you know how Hamlet is around Players!

Polonius: Well, if he's not insane, then he clearly must be in love with my tool, by which I mean daughter. So, daughter, you hold this book and stand here. King and Queen, you hide in that alcove, and I'll hide myself behind this curtain where no one can hurt me and nothing will ever happen to me. You two go have gay incest somewhere.

Rosencrantz: We're not related.

Guildenstern: We're not gay.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: giggle giggle run off

Hamlet: Enters

Ophelia: Hi.

Hamlet: insults her in crazyese

Ophelia: cries

Hamlet: insults her father in crazyese

Ophelia: cries

Hamlet: exits

Ophelia: Oh woe is me! I thought he loved me and now he hates me!

King: Yeah, he hates her and called her ugly.

Queen: I guess she'll just die an old maid. An ugly, ugly old maid.

Polonius: Clearly she's just not good enough for him.

Ophelia: cries

Act III Scene II

Hamlet: So, y'all got my changes to the script, right?

Players: Right.

Hamlet: LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

Enter: all

Polonius: I used to be an actor, you know. I played Julius Caesar once. I died spectacularly.

Hamlet: You are SO dead.

Polonius: WILL PEOPLE STOP SAYING THAT.

King: What's up, Hamlet?

Hamlet: MY ASS IN YOUR MURDEROUS CHAIR.

King: What?

Hamlet: Nothin'. Say, Ophelia, can I lie in your lap?

Ophelia: Whatno!

Hamlet: I mean my head in your lap.

Ophelia: Oh…sure……

Hamlet: leers

Ophelia: Uh…

Players: do the play mutely

Ophelia: WTF?

Hamlet: Shh. It's getting good…the play I mean of course

Player: Everybody keep it down, the show's really starting this time.

Hamlet: Yay!

Player King: I love you.

Player Queen: I love you more.

Player King: No, I love you more.

Player Queen: No, I love you more.

Player King: Well, now that we've established that, I'm going to take a nap with my ear perfectly poised for someone to pour some liquid into it, like poison that looks like beer BUT IT ISN'T. Just before I do, my love, tell me you'll never get married again.

Player Queen: Uh yeah sure look there's your brother gottagobye.

Player King: I love you.

Player Queen: YES I KNOW LET GO OF MY HAND.

Real King and Queen: sweatdrop

Hamlet: Say, Mother, what do you think of the play so far?

Real Queen: I think she's protesting too much. She should just go with the flow.

Hamlet: Uh-huh.

Real King: sweats

Player Usurper: pours beer into the Player King's ear

Real King: AAAAAGGGGHHHHH! STOP LOOKING AT ME! AGGGGHHH!

Exit: everyone except Hamlet and Horatio

Hamlet: YES! UP YOURS! I SO PROVED CLAUDIUS DID IT!

Horatio: That's great.

Hamlet: DID YOU SEE HIM?

Horatio: Yes.

Hamlet: MOST TRIUMPHANT!

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Enter

Hamlet: Bogus.

Guildenstern: You know, I wanted to ask you something.

Hamlet: Is the King drunk? Yes.

Guildenstern: Uh…no…

Hamlet: Look, who are you?

Rosencrantz: What, you don't remember us?

Hamlet: No.

Guildenstern: But…we're your friends from school…

Hamlet: Do you play the recorder?

Guildenstern: No.

Hamlet: Oh, come on. You're playing me.

Guildenstern: No.

Hamlet: I SAID, you're PLAYING me. If you play me, you can play anything. Even this recorder.

Guildenstern: I don't know how to play.

Hamlet: Oh, you're good. You're very good.

Guildenstern: Uh your beloved mother wants you in her room.

Hamlet: I can't deny my mother. We're not done.

King: So, Gertrude – that's your name, right?

Queen: Yes.

King: Sweet. Gertrude, you're going to talk to your son. Sons tell their mothers everything.

Queen and Polonius: exit

Rosencrantz: We're going to go back to our room.

Guildenstern: To hide from Hamlet.

Rosencrantz: Exactly.

Polonius: Wait, how did you get here before Hamlet?

Guildenstern: Uh…we're going to our room now.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: run away

King: Just before I leave, I'm going to try to pray.

King: tries to pray

Hamlet: Man! He's praying! Now I can't kill him!

King: cries

Polonius: So, I'm just going to hide behind this curtain where no one will see me and I won't get hurt.

Queen: Hamlet, come in

Hamlet: What's up, Mom?

Queen: Why are you being so mean to your father all the time?

Hamlet: Why are YOU being so mean to MY father all the time?

Queen: Whatwhat? I asked you first.

Hamlet: Look, here's this special locket around your neck that I'm going to grab so you're going to fear for your throat. Look, here's MY father. Wise and brilliant and not a little bit sexy. Here's your husband. He's cheap and a thief and a liar and a murderer and a bad cook. Why would you kill the first one off to be with the other?

Queen: WTF?

Hamlet: YOU INCESTOUS LITTLE WHORE!

Queen: AGGGGGHHHH get away from my throat!

Hamlet: I AM HAMLET PRINCE OF DENMARK YOU KILLED MY FATHER PREPARE TO DIE!

Ghost: enters

Hamlet: What are you doing here I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!

Queen: Uh…Hamlet? Who are you talking to?

Ghost: I said SPARE your mother, not KILL her.

Hamlet: OMG I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!

Queen: Haaamleeet?

Hamlet: What, you don't see him?

Queen: See who, Hamlet?

Ghost: exits

Hamlet: Well, he's gone now!

Queen: Rrriiiiight.

Hamlet: It's true! The Ghost of my father came to me a few nights ago and told me that Uncle Claudius killed him with untraceable poison and then he married you to take the throne that's rightfully mine and so now I have to avenge his death or else he'll never make it to heaven.

Polonius: sneezes

Hamlet: stabbity!

Polonius: I am SO dead now!

Hamlet: BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Queen: wets pants

Hamlet: drags Polonius from the room

Act IV Scene I

Queen: He's just crazy. Just absolutely insane. He killed Polonius!

King: Wow, nobody saw that coming. You two, go find out where he is.

Rosencrantz: So, Hamlet, where's Polonius?

Hamlet: I won't tell you BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Come catch me! Come catch me! BWAHAHAHAHA!

King: So where is Polonius, Hamlet?

Hamlet: Oh, he's eating.

King: Eating.

Hamlet: WITH THE WORMS.

Queen: Where is he?

Hamlet: In the middle of the front lobby. You can't miss him.

King: Yeah, you're going to England.

Hamlet: Yay!

Everyone but the King: Exits

King: To DIE! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Fortinbras: I'm still coming to invade, 'case y'all forgot about me.

Hamlet: Who are you again?

Fortinbras: Fortinbras, Prince of Norway.

Hamlet: Hamlet, Prince of Denmark.

Captain: Hamlet? Oh, I mean, dude who isn't going to die when we land in England?

Hamlet: No I'm not. I switched the name on the letter to say "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern" instead of "Hamlet."

Fortinbras: Wow, and it all fit?

Hamlet: Uh…yes.

Ophelia: sings in crazyese

Queen: Oh, please go away.

Ophelia: sings in crazyese

King: GO AWAY, TOOL.

Ophelia: Daddy didn't call me tool!

Ophelia: exits

King: You, random person that hangs around Hamlet, go follow her.

Horatio: exits

Laertes: runs in

Laertes: YOU KILLED MY FATHER I KEEL YOU!

King: I didn't kill your father.

Laertes: COWARD LIAR I KEEL YOU!

King: You keep saying that.

Laertes: You killed my father!

King: Uh-huh. I didn't kill your father. But I know who did, you easily manipulated not-Hamlet.

Ophelia: walks in like she works for the Ministry of Silly Walks

Laertes: OMG what happened to her?

Ophelia: What? I didn't brush my hair today. Here, Laertes, here's Rosemary and Pansies.

Laertes: For memory and love.

Ophelia: Here, fair Queen, fennel and columbine, for flattery and sluttery and rue and daisy for repentance and more sluttery, I would give you some violets, faithfulness, but they died when my father did. Toodles!

Horatio: What'd I miss?

Horatio: This letter from Hamlet says that he's been kidnapped by pirates off the shores of Lake Michigan and is being held in chains and unable to write. Huh? Oh, right, he's supposed to be Funny. Anywho, he's alive and been kidnapped by pirates who are nice enough to bring him back to Denmark for him. Back to the story!

King: Laertes, I'm going to read some of my wife's unopened mail.

Laertes: I don't see anything wrong with that.

King: "To Mother: I'm not dead and I'm coming back WITH A VENGEANCE." Well, that's not happiness.

Laertes: What do we do?

King: Well, clearly I'm going to have to take care of this myself! Laertes, you're going

to challenge Hamlet to a duel.

Laertes: And I kill him at this duel, right?

King: No! Then we poison him!

Laertes: BWAHAHAHAHA!

Queen: Ophelia killed herself!

King: That's nice, sweetheart! Now, Laertes, how good are you with a sword?

Laertes: cries

King: What a wimp.

First Clown: Ophelia is dead!

Second Clown: Let's throw a funeral!

Clowns: YAAAYYY!

First Clown: You, go get us some liquor!

Second Clown: I'm off!

Hamlet and Horatio: Enter

Hamlet: Wow, you're a really happy graveyard clown.

First Clown: Indeed. Check out this skull.

Hamlet: Wow! It's a skull of a clown I once knew!

First Clown: AAAAGGGGHHHH!

Hamlet: Man, what a good guy he was. How'd he die?

First Clown: By being beaten to death with a skull of someone he knew wearing black!

Hamlet: Wow. Strange death.

First Clown: Yeah. Hey, here comes the Royal Procession Party.

Hamlet: Let's hide behind this bush to find out who they're mourning for.

Royalty: Enter

Queen: NOOOOO! YOU WERE GOING TO MARRY HAMLET AND IT WAS GOING TO BE TWO WEDDINGS IN ONE MONTH! WAAAAHHH!

Laertes: I'm going to jump into the grave and hug her!

Mourners: EEWWWW!

Priest: Now, let's not be hasty.

Hamlet: NO! That's the ultimate sign of love and I love her more than you do!

Osric: Wait, aren't you dead?

Hamlet: I KEEL YOU!

Laertes: Uh…

Hamlet: Drawing out my sword!

Laertes: Uh…

King: SAY YOUR LINE DAMMIT!

Laertes: I challenge you to a duel!

Hamlet: Right!

King: Okay, Laertes, here's the deal. This sword is poisoned. The wine – poisoned. His shirt – poisoned. So you have no way of not winning. He's dying, and that's that.

Laertes: No way this could go wrong at ALL.

Everyone Else: Enters

Osric: Great to have you back, sire!

Hamlet: Who are you again?

Laertes: May the best man win.

Hamlet: Clearly ME.

Laertes: Yeah, sure. raises sword

King: Wait! Let's not forget! This wine is for you, Hamlet, Favorite Nephew-Son, when you get tired.

Hamlet: Uh…thanks… raises sword

King: Wait! Laertes, how's your sword?

Laertes: Rrrriiiight…it's too heavy…I think I'll exchange it for this HEAVILY POISONED KICK-ASS BROADSWORD.

Hamlet: I see nothing wrong with that.

King: FIGHT ALREADY.

Hamlet: kicks Laertes' ass

Queen: Yeah! Good job, Hamlet! Here, let me wipe the sweat off your brow in a clearly motherly fashion! Love you, baby doll!

Hamlet: Love you too, Mom.

Queen: I think I'll drink some of your wine!

King: No!

Queen: gulps it down

King: Ah, crap.

Laertes: Soo…Hamlet…we fighting or not?

Hamlet: kicks his ass some more

Queen: dies

Hamlet: stabbity

Laertes: dies

Hamlet: Wait! There's poison that is clearly not beer on his sword!

King: Uh…no there's not…

Hamlet: stabbity

King: No! I never got a chance to build a bypass!

Hamlet: pours wine down his throat

King: dies

Horatio: I'm thirsty from all this death-watching.

Hamlet: drinks the rest of the wine

Horatio: Nooo!

Hamlet: I'm going to die now!

Horatio: Nooo!

Hamlet: Remember me!

Horatio: Will do!

Hamlet: So this is what it's like to die!

Horatio: cries

Hamlet: Give my love to Fortinbras!

Horatio: Anything!

Hamlet: My heart is slowing down!

Horatio: DIE ALREADY.

Hamlet: I'm seriously going to be silent forever now!

Horatio: WE GET THE IDEA.

Hamlet: dies

Horatio: It was over so quick!

Fortinbras: I got here as quickly as I could! WTF?