A/N: Oh, the end, the end... but I'm glad that I've finally pushed myself to get back on my fanfiction account and finish uploading the story. I might write a sequel, only after the 5th movie comes out. July seems so far away...

Chapter 5 : The Third Task, the Loss of Love, and Dumbledore on Drugs (a.k.a. the longest chapter of a parody story in all existence!)

Summer skipped through Hogwarts. Finding herself in the dungeons, she looked around confused.

"You! You're one of Lucius'… whores."

Summer blinked, "Well… we prefer being called courtesans, but yes."

Snape glared at her. "What are you doing down here?"

"I'm going for a nice leisurely walk in the fresh air," she said sarcastically. She was about to leave when she suddenly stopped, "Hey. You're a teacher." At Snape's nod she continued, "There's a dead guy in the forest." She resumed her skipping and left the dungeons.

Lucius walks into the Quidditch Stadium which is now being used for the Third Task.

"So… whatever happened to Ludo Bagman?" Angel asked.

"Who?" everyone asked.

"Never mind…" she muttered. The Hogwarts Band, a newly created group that consists of the rivals of the Hogwarts Chorus, begins to play. Angel groans. "Great…"

The four Champions come into the stadium.

"Earlier, we were insane enough to let the crazy ex-Auror, who is possibly a Death Eater in disguise, place the Triwizard Cup inside the maze! He could have easily turned it into a portkey and the first person who touches it will be teleported to a graveyard in the middle of no where to be killed by Voldemort! Just kidding!" said Dumbledore. "Now, Mr. Diggory and Mr. Potter will go in first so they can have time to work out their differences and make-out before the Bulgarian idiot and the French slut join in the game!" He turns to the Champions, "I'm supposed to give you a little speech, but as you can tell from what I've just said, I'm high as a- well, something that's really high. If my brain wasn't so impaired I could have come up with a good analogy- and I would have realized that it might just be a bad thing that Moody was so eager to put the Cup inside the maze."

Moody giggles high-pitched and girlishly.

"So, you're, like, a Death Eater," said Summer as she looked at the Dark Mark on Snape's arm. "Wow."

"Yeah, but be quiet. That plot twist isn't revealed to all the students until the end of the sixth book," said Snape.

"Ah… What do you do?" Summer asked excitedly.

"I kill Dumbledore," Snape responded.

Summer looks thoughtful as she sees an image of Dumbledore falling to the ground dead. "Interesting… So… what's going on now?" she asked.

"The four Champions go into the maze to try to get to the Triwizard Cup first."

"Does it really make sense to call it a Triwizard tournament if there are four champions?" Summer asked.

"Well-… I suppose not," said Snape.

"So… what's going on again?" Summer asked.

Snape sighs.

Draco appears between them, "MY WOMAN!!"

Lucius comes up behind them, "Draco, Draco, don't be possessive. If Snape wants to pay for Summer, then he can," he said.

Draco death-glared at his father. "MINE!!!!"

Lucius sighed, "Well… I have to go hang out in a graveyard now."

Harry and Cedric have been teleported to a graveyard. "Hmm… well, this seems oddly like Dumbledore's impaired joking," said Cedric.

"Yeah," said Harry.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Cedric dies.

Wormtail does some spooky dark magic to make Voldemort a new body. Voldemort-the-fetus turns into Voldemort-the-scary-looking-guy-with-an-amazing-forked-tongue-and-wonderfully-red-eyes. "Welcome my friends- er, screw that, I hate you all, you're just my followers. None of you tried to find me, I had to live in the back of fuckin' Quirrell's head!" He glares at all the Death Eaters, "Not even Lucius came to look for me."

"Well, you see, my lord-" Lucius began.

"Unless you-" he pauses to think of a random far-fetched story, "-became a pimp and are currently in the possession of a large group of whores, you have no excuse."

"Well, actually, I did," said Lucius.

"Oh really? You'll be my favorite again if you give me one of them," said Voldemort.

"What about me, milord?!" Wormtail asked.

"Ah, yes, well you did… er, help, I suppose," said Voldemort. He waves his hand and gives Wormtail a silver hand. He turns back to Lucius, "So, about that girl…"

"HEEEEEEEEELLOOOOOOO! You're supposed to be trying to kill me! Didn't you even read the script?!" Harry asked angrily.

"Well… I just wanted to try improvising…" Voldemort said quietly.

"Yeah?! Well, you suck at life! You couldn't even kill me when I was only one year old!"

"GRRRRRR!" Voldemort stormed over to Harry and put his hand on Harry's head.

Harry yelled in pain.

Voldemort yelled for the hell of it.

They went back and forth.

Voldemort laughed triumphantly, "Try insulting me now!" He waved his wand and the statue let Harry go. "Now, come on. I wanna duel you," he said eagerly.

"…Why…?"

"Don't question me, Harry! Now bow."

Harry didn't move.

"I said 'bow'!" Voldemort yelled and he magically made Harry bow.

"Pwned!" Lucius said happily.

Voldemort ignored him, "Now, I'm supposed to go on about how your mother was a dirty whore, but I find it all rather boring…"

"AVADA KEDAVRA/EXPELLIARMUS!"

Shapes came out of the end of Voldemort's wand. James Potter looked at Harry for a while. He lets out a deep breath that he didn't need to hold in the first place since he was dead. "Thank god, you look like me," said James. "I never was sure if-"

"What?" Harry asked curiously.

"Nothing!" said James quickly.

"Harry!" Cedric's ghost said.

"Cedric!"

"Take my body back, will you? Take my body back to my father," said Cedric, "and uh… try not to turn into a necrophiliac."

"What? Don't use big words. I'm the 'boy-who-lived' not the 'boy-who-read-the-dictionary'!" said Harry.

"This all sweet and everything," Lily said after gagging, "but you have to let go now!"

The connection broke and Harry and dead!Cedric were teleported back to the arena.

Lucius appeared in the stands again.

"How is your graveyard?" Angel asked.

"Good, and yours?" Lucius asked.

"What?"

"OOOOOH! I thought we were sharing mindless small-talk," said Lucius.

Angel sighed, "For Merlin's sake! Anyway, Draco seems close to harming Snape," she said.

"Voldemort has returned," said Lucius.

"What?!"

"OOOOOH! I thought we were sharing random facts," said Lucius.

"You're an idiot."

Harry reappeared in the arena with Cedric's body. Cheering and triumphant music began. Dumbledore tried to pry Harry off of Cedric's body.

"No! No! My love!" Harry clings to Cedric.

"What happened?" Dumbledore asked.

"Voldemort killed him!" said Harry.

"I though Voldemort was just a fetus," said Dumbledore.

"Well, now he's a scary looking man with an amazing forked tongue and wonderfully red eyes- uh… I don't know why I just said that…" said Harry.

"Yes, well, now I'm going to trust your safety to the man who turns students into ferrets," said Dumbledore pushing Harry over to Moody.

"Are you ok, Harry?" Moody asked.

"Uh…"

"So, what happened in that graveyard?" Moody asked.

"I didn't say that I was in a graveyard…" said Harry.

Moody took out a tape recorder, "Well, yes you did." He pressed play and Harry's voice said, '…I was in a graveyard…'

"Oh! Well then," said Harry. "Voldemort came back and stuff and he almost killed -" he stopped suddenly, "Wait! You just recorded me when I said, 'I didn't say that I was in a graveyard'."

"No I didn't," said Moody.

"Well, if you're sure," said Harry.

Moody nodded, "Now continue with telling me about the scary looking man with an amazing forked tongue and wonderfully red eyes."

"How did you know what he looked like?" Harry asked.

"Uh… internet?"

"Ok!"

The door was blasted open and Dumbledore and Snape rushed in. Snape gave Moody Veritaserum. Dumbledore asked some rather boring questions before Moody turned into - GASP - Barty Crouch Jr.

"Can't say I didn't expect it," said Dumbledore with a shrug. He and Harry left.

Snape pointed his wand an inch or so to the left of Crouch Jr.'s mouth. Crouch Jr. darted out his tongue towards the wand. Snape, terrified by the actions of Crouch Jr., ran out of the room and back to wherever Lucius and his whores were.

Dumbledore stood in front of the students. "Today… we acknowledge a really terrible loss. Cedric Diggory was one of those Hufflepuff-types. He was killed by Voldemort. Unfortunately, no one important is going to believe that Voldemort is actually back for another year," said Dumbledore. "I can say so many things about Cedric, but… ah hell, I can't think of anything."

"Ooh! Ooh!" Summer eagerly raised her hand.

"Yes?" Dumbledore asked sounding annoyed.

Summer squealed happily, got up, and ran over to the front. "Cedric Diggory was a lovely boy. Though, unfortunately he was a Hufflepuff… and not to mention, gay also! I mean, there was this time in Hogsmeade, at the Three Broomsticks, I saw them walk in. Of course I couldn't watch them all that well because Draco was practically on top of me and-" she stopped as Dumbledore pushed her back to her seat.

"Right! Anyway…!"

Lucius stood with Angel and Summer. They watched as Ron said a tearful good-bye to a scared looking Viktor Krum. Hermione seethed. Harry stood of to the side looking depressed.

"He'll get over Cedric soon enough," said Angel with a shrug.

Summer nodded. She had Lucius' pimp hat on her head.

Lucius took his hat and placed it on his head before slipping an arm around each of their waists. "Come, girls, it's time for us to go," he said. "Besides Voldemort would like to meet you."

"I'm with Draco!" Summer said quickly. "Voldemort is SO not taking me as his whore."

Angel glared at her, "I hate you…"

Ron wiped his eyes and sniffled, "Do you think we'll ever have a freaking normal year at Hogwarts?"

"Ronald, we have magic," Hermione said annoyed, "that was a normal year for us…" She sighed, "Everything's going to change now, isn't it?"

"Yes," said Harry.

Angel appeared next to them, "For god's sake Harry! That question was the movie's tagline and you respond with, 'Yes'?! Are you an idiot?!"

"Well…" Harry began.

"That was a rhetorical question!!!!"