Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or settings. It all belongs to DC.
Summary: Story Five in my "The One I Desire" series. Slash Paring (Dick and Roy) A camping trip. Two tents. Wally, Donna and Garth are in one. Guess who's in the other? So far, we've looked at things from mostly Roy's point of view. This time, we find out what Dick is feeling. .
WARNING: Slash... no sex.
Thank you to those who have read and taken the time to review the other stories in this series. Most of you have reviewed anonymously, so I haven't been able to reply. I want you to know that I appreciate your encouragement.
If you are interested in reading the first stories in the series, you will find them at fanfiction net and on my homepage which is listed in my profile.
All the Right Reasons
Part Two
Donna lit the fire to start some breakfast as dawn arrived. She was surprised that Dick hadn't surfaced. He was usually the first one up and the last to bed.
The young woman detected soft voices from Roy and Dick's tent. Then… "Roy, let go of me!" Donna smiled as Dick shot out of the tent like a jackrabbit.
"Lover's spat?" Garth asked, emerging from his tent.
Dick was shaking his head with disgust. Roy appeared rubbing his stomach and yawning contentedly.
"That's the last time I share a tent with you after you've eaten baked beans," Dick growled.
"Old hold him under the blankets attack," Roy chuckled, winking at Garth. "Is Wally…?"
Garth smiled and nodded. That was all the encouragement Roy needed and he tip-toed into the silent tent.
Dick glanced at Donna. "Next time, I sleep with you," he stated, happily.
Roy darted back out of the tent a few seconds later, rushed across to Donna and Dick, and dropped down onto the ground near the fire.
Wally's muffled voice rose from behind the canvas. "What the hell? Oh man. A skunk has crawled in here and died!"
The speedster emerged, sleep still clinging to him. Wally's narrowed eyes swept the group -- starting at Dick who was grinning, missing Donna… she wouldn't. His gaze fell on Garth who was chuckling and finally stopped on Roy who was looking like innocence personified. "You are so childish, Roy."
Breakfast started where the night before finished -- with jokes and general banter.
"So, how did you two sleep?" Wally asked.
"Dick couldn't keep his hands off me."
"You wish," Grayson chuckled. He still looked a little pale, but had assured his companions that he was feeling better.
"What I want to know is who slept in the middle?" Roy asked, bouncing his eyebrows at Donna.
"We should probably head off in the next hour," Dick murmured.
"Do we have to?" Garth asked. "Wally and I wanted to climb up to that ledge we saw yesterday. Roy?"
"Yeah, I'll be in that. Dick? Donna?"
"Not for me. I don't really want to push myself too much today. You'd have to carry me out of here."
"That wouldn't be a problem, you know," Donna stated, sipping her coffee.
"Yeah, but I'm a male chauvinist and don't like the thought of a woman doing the carrying."
Donna snorted. "Then why did I have to carry all of the tents?"
Dick grinned. "Because you're the strongest."
"And don't you boys forget it."
"Okay, so it's just us," Wally confirmed. "Come on, you two. Last one there is a monkey's uncle."
"Yeah, right, twinkle toes."
"What about you two?" Roy asked.
"I'll take the breakfast dishes down and wash them in the river and Muscles here, can pack up the tents," Dick suggested.
"Keep it up, Boy Wonder," Donna scolded.
Roy lingered. He had really wanted a chance to speak to Dick to find out where they stood, but Wally and Garth's bellowing sent him jogging after them. Somehow he'd make some excuse and then circle back to the river so he and Dick could have a few moments in private.
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Dick dumped the dishes beside the bank and began to rinse them. His mind refused to settle. In the last few days, his life had been turned upside down. He just couldn't work any of it out. Logic, which had always served him so well, was failing in this instance.
Donna wandered down to the river, seeking out her friend. "You're very quiet this morning." The closer Dick got to having to return to the reality of his life, the quieter and more reserved he became. It was the same every time they got together like this, but this morning, Donna sensed there was more.
"Is it wrong to want the world to just swallow you?" he whispered as she stopped beside him.
"No," Donna replied, a little surprised by the statement. "I feel that way sometimes… then again, it has actually happened to me. It isn't as much fun as you'd think." She took his hand and led him to a grassed area on the bank, sitting and pulling him down to join her. "So, what's her name?
"Huh?"
"Come on. You and I have been there for each other through a marriage, an almost marriage, a divorce and some rather serious relationships. I can recognise the signs, Dick. Who is she?"
"Who is she?" Dick repeated with some dark amusement. "You don't know how wrong you've got that."
Donna studied him and then a soft, knowing smile creased her lips. "Oh. So, you know how he feels?"
Dick turned to Donna, his eyebrows drawing down. "Huh?"
"Don't play dumb with me, Dick Grayson. I've known of Roy's feelings for you for years."
"Oh." He shrugged uncomfortably, crossed his legs, picked up a leaf and began to finger it. "I suppose they all know."
"No, just me." He seemed annoyed. "Hey, it's me," she pointed out, shoving him playfully. When he didn't respond, Donna sighed. "Dick, I found out by accident. Roy would never say anything that would embarrass you. He loves you too much for that. He'd never belittle his own feelings for you by telling anyone, either. Roy Harper may play the fool when it suits him, but when it comes to the people dear to him, he is one of the most responsible guys I know. Kinda sounds funny saying that about Speedy, doesn't it?" she giggled, trying to ease the tension. When the attempt failed, she looped her arm through his. "Does it make you uncomfortable?"
"No. It never has," he marvelled, focused on the leaf. "He's just Roy. He always has been. He goes out of his way to make sure that it doesn't affect us."
"So do you."
"I guess. How did you find out?"
"Harper and I had a rather serious relationship, remember?"
Dick smirked. "I never did understand that."
Donna slapped him. "Careful, Boy Wonder or I'll knock you into next week." She drew her knees up and hugged them. "Roy and I enjoyed what we had. It wasn't any great love affair, but it was nice to have someone. We both felt the same way. At one point, Roy felt we were getting serious and so he told me."
"He told you." Dick shook his head.
"He told me that he was in love with someone he could never have." He'd wanted her to know that while he loved her, he also loved someone else. "I had assumed he meant a married woman or something… not that I think that that would stop the Casanova of spandex. Actually, it was sweet. Roy is a lot of things, but he doesn't use people. He wanted to be honest and up front with the way he felt. I had no idea it was you, though. And then, a few years ago, you were suffering from insomnia and we got together at the Tower to help you relax."
"You guys treat me like a child. I know what you do, you know. Setting it up with movies and things."
"Well excuse us for caring," Donna snapped.
"I didn't mean to sound ungrateful. Sorry." He sighed loudly, his shoulders slumping. "I'm just uptight."
She smiled with great affection. "I know. And I didn't mean to snap. We called in Roy that night because we'd failed the night before. You always seem to relax when he's around."
Dick's brow furrowed. "Really?"
Donna nodded. "Really." She could see his mind ticking over. Was he really so totally unaware of the effect Roy had on him, she wondered. "You fell asleep in the chair leaning against him… well, he attempted to lay you down and you ended up lying against him. I realize now that it was no accident."
Dick smirked. "Roy's never one to pass up an opportunity."
"He refused to move because he didn't want to disturb you and so the rest of us went to bed. I got up in the night with blankets to cover the two of you and that's when I realized." That single image of the two of them like that had opened the possibility. "The way he'd held you earlier. The way he'd been looking at you. It all fell into place. You were the one. The person he could never have."
"Does he know that you know?"
Donna shook her head. "No. So, why the sudden problem with it? Did he try something last night?" She dismissed that immediately. "Is he putting pressure on you?"
"No. No, nothing like that. Roy's really understanding. He always has been." Dick tossed the leaf into the water and then stared up at the sky, watching an eagle fly free. God, he wished that could be him.
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Roy had made his excuses and headed down the track toward the river. Ahead, he could hear indistinct voices. "Damn." Donna was with Dick. For some reason, Roy slowed his stride and carefully placed each foot to reduce the sound of the crackling leaves under foot. He picked up Donna's voice…"Is he putting pressure on you?"
Roy froze. They weren't talking about what he thought they were talking about, were they? Surely not. Dick wouldn't say anything, would he? Then again, Dick and Donna had a very open relationship. Soundlessly, Roy moved closer, his friends coming into view through the trees, their backs to him.
"No, No nothing like that," Roy heard Dick respond. "Roy's really understanding. He always has been."
Harper stopped, suddenly feeling self-conscious. Did he interrupt, and let them know he was there? Did he turn and leave and give Donna and Dick the privacy they deserved? Or did he stay and find out just what Dick was thinking and feeling?
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Donna eyed Dick carefully. "Sweety, do you feel something for him?"
Dick drew in a deep breath. "I don't know." It wasn't an easy admission, but it was honest.
"Dick?"
He turned and studied her face. "I'm talking about having feelings for another man. Doesn't that sound bizarre to you? It feels bizarre."
"No, honey. Not bizarre. Love is love. The incredible thing about love is that you don't actually get a choice. It just happens. There's no rhyme or reason to who you find yourself in love with. So, when did you start to feel differently about him?"
"I'm not sure that I do," he admitted. Dick shook his head and cursed. "It's all such a mess."
"Tell me about it and maybe I can help."
"Thanks, but I think it might be better if…"
"… you sort things out on your own? Hosh posh. There isn't any such thing as 'on your own' with us, you should know that by now."
Dick turned back to her. On one hand, he desperately wanted to tell someone. On the other…."It's a long story."
"I've got the time." When he failed to answer, she began to rub his arm. "Come on, Dick. You need to talk to someone. I'm about the best you're going to get."
"You're amazing," he whispered.
"Flattery will get you everywhere, now start talking."
Dick seemed to be considering her request and with a shrug he began to try and explain. "It started with Poison Ivy injecting me with that poison, but it was a bit more than that. She also injected me with some of her so-called 'love juice.'"
Instantly, Donna understood. She'd heard of Poison Ivy's recent spate of injecting helpless victims with pheromones. "She didn't… oh, God, no, Dick!"
"No, no," he reassured her quickly. "Robin, Batgirl and I captured her before anything like that, but I had to find somewhere to sleep it off."
"Somewhere safe," she commented.
Dick nodded. "Roy was close and…" No. Roy was a whole city away. There were a dozen other people I could have gone to. Why did I make the trip all the way to Roy's place?
"Close?" Donna questioned. "You went all the way over to him because…"
"I don't know." I could have gone to Vic's place. Even Kory's. Hell, Jim Gordon would have given me a bed to sleep it off. They were all closer. I could have depended on any of them. He blinked in an attempt to turn off the internal monologue. "I just ended up at Roy's. One thing led to another and…" He was frowning so severely that the grimace made Donna smile with sympathy. "Then the Gargoyle stuck his nose in things. Now with the drugs and him maybe having messed with my head…"
"You aren't sure what's real and what isn't?"
He nodded, relieved that she appeared to understand. Donna placed her hand on his cheek. "It's okay to be confused, Dick. That's normal."
"Normal? There's nothing normal about this."
Donna couldn't help being amused. Feeling like the ground had been ripped out from under you was more than normal when falling in love. If Dick had never felt that, then he'd never truly 'fallen' for anyone. "I'm going to give you the same advice someone I respect gave me when I fell in love with Terry. You have to take a chance."
Dick's face twisted. "I told you that."
"That's what I meant." She smiled easily and dropped her hand.
"Yeah, but look how that turned out?"
"I don't regret my time with Terry. Besides, there's a difference. Terry and I started as strangers and once the passion died, we were left as strangers. You and Roy are best friends. Roy's a hothead and in so many ways he's irresponsible and even childish, but he loves you, Dick. And I'm talking about the sort of love that has prevented him from committing to anyone else. To have the unrestrained and complete love of another person like that is a rare gift." She tipped her head onto his shoulder and whispered, "I'm jealous that no one has ever loved me like that."
"I love you," Dick stated, gently, pulling her into his lap.
She kissed his cheek. "I know, but we both know it isn't like that for us."
"But is it like that for me and Roy?" Dick reflected, his face screwing up. Just saying it sounded ridiculous. Me and Roy? For the past few days, that was the phrase that had been repeating in his mind. What if the curious stirrings he felt were nothing more than the drug, or the after effects of the drug? Or just curiosity? Or confusing the brotherhood he felt with Roy for more than it was? Or did he want to return Roy's love for Roy's sake? Last night, he'd felt nothing and he and Roy had been lying up against each other for most of the night. Then again, when you love someone, do you feel 'that way' all of the time?
"I honestly don't know."
"Then you have to take a chance to find out, honey."
"It isn't that easy. I wish it was." Donna let her head rest against his strong chest and he put his arms around her, verbalizing his thoughts in a stilted manner. "I know how he feels about me. When he first told me…" He'd been stunned. It was the last thing in the world he'd expected. Roy was in love with him! He didn't return that love, which was the worst feeling in the world for both of them. It should have forced them apart. Rather, if anything, it had made them closer. "I know what it's like to love someone and not to have them feel the same way. I don't want to start something and then shut the door in his face once I realize it's all a mistake." Barbara had done that to him. The on-again off-again thing they had had going when he was younger had twisted him in knots… hurt like hell, too. He couldn't do that to Roy. Couldn't… wouldn't.
"Once you realize?" Donna asked, quietly. "Sounds like you've already decided that it's a mistake."
Dick grimaced. "I guess I hope it's all just a mistake. I'm not gay, Donna… at least, I never have been before," he smirked, amused by the statement. "Is gay something you are born or something you become? I don't get it. I've been in love with Barbara all my life. To suddenly feel something for Roy… it's all wrong." There had to be an explanation. Dick had learned through experience that people did things for reasons, even if they weren't aware what the reasons were. What was the reason for this? It had to be the drug. If that was the case, then it would wear off… and where would that leave Roy?
"I'd cut off my own arm before hurting him. Roy's had so much shit in his life. I don't want to add to it. He's finally got everything straightened out. There's no way I'm going to mess that up because of Poison Ivy or the Gargoyle. I need to wait until I know how I feel… and I don't yet. I just…" He sighed. He was going in circles. What was it that he was trying to say? "There's so much to take into consideration. Our friendship. Our working relationship. Lian. Batman."
Donna wrinkled her nose and snorted.
"I know, I know. I shouldn't worry about all of those things, but I do. They're important and not just to me, but to all of the people who depend on both Roy and I."
Donna sat up and shook her head. "Just for one moment, stop being logical and responsible, Dick. And just once in your life, don't worry about how your actions are going to affect others. What about you? What about how you feel? We aren't talking about whether or not you should have salad or hamburgers for lunch. We're talking about a chance at happiness. Real love only comes around once… maybe twice in a life time if you are really, really lucky. You can't turn your back on this without knowing if this is your chance. "
"But love takes two, Donna. I know that he loves me, but I don't know if I love him in that way."
"Sweetie, you have to take a chance."
"At his expense?" Dick's brow furrowed. "I can't do that, Donna. I can't toy with his feelings just because I'm trying to work out how I feel." That was what Barbara had done to him. "I… " Dick suddenly turned at the sound of someone approaching. "Roy?"
Donna patted Dick's shoulder, rose, nodded to Roy and then strode off to give them some privacy.
"How much of that did you hear?" Grayson asked.
"A good bit of it." Roy walked around Dick, stared at him for a few moments and then sat down cross-legged facing his friend. "I appreciate what you said, about wanting to be certain so I don't get hurt. You're special, Dick. Shit, that sounds sappy, doesn't it?"
Dick smirked at him. "Yeah, it does."
Roy grinned. "Sorry. I'm not usually sappy." Both became quiet, each waiting for the other to speak. "Dick, Donna's right. Stop being logical and responsible and stop worrying about me. I'm a big boy and I can handle this."
Dick shook his head with short sharp motions. "I can't be certain what I feel yet. There's a very good chance… a very high probability that the drug is responsible for what I'm feeling. You understand that, don't you?" He searched Roy's face for evidence of that fact. "I could wake up tomorrow and whatever 'this' is could be gone."
So there definitely was a 'this', Roy noted with relief. "I'm willing to accept that."
"Willing to accept that anything we may share could be a lie?" Dick asked, genuinely puzzled.
"Not a lie." Roy's eyes swept the tight line of Dick's jaw and then the furrowed and troubled brow. Grayson was thinking too much again. Harper moved across to sit next to Dick and stared out over the river. For a long time the two men sat being serenaded by the sounds of nature. "Come back to my place tonight."
"Your place?" Dick's head snapped around to Roy, his face flooded with shock. "Are you asking…
"… for sex? No. That's not what I'm asking." Harper had become serious.
Dick eyed him carefully, unsure of what Roy had in mind.
"Can I kiss you?"
"What?" Dick was startled by the question.
"Can I kiss you?" The first time it had sounded like a casual inquiry. This time it was sensual. Roy grabbed Dick's eyes and held them. He wasn't going to let Dick back out of this without making sure he'd done everything possible to show him what they could have.
Grayson felt himself drawn and then exposed as Roy looked directly into his soul. Logic fought valiantly, but the only thing he could find to say was…"The others may…"
"Does that matter?"
"Yes," Dick admitted with difficulty. Yes, it did matter.
Roy nodded his understanding. "Okay. But come to my place tonight." Still, Dick looked uncomfortable and wary. Roy reached out his hand and laid it palm up on the ground near Dick. Grayson looked down, scrutinizing it and trying to work out the purpose. What was Roy trying to say? For several moments, Dick hesitated and then placed his hand in Roy's. Harper closed his fingers and Dick applied the slightest amount of pressure in return. It was the ultimate symbol of trust for Dick. A clasped hand… an acrobat's life-line.
"Do you trust me?" Roy asked.
Dick searched Roy's face. "Yes," he whispered. He trusted Roy with his life. Again, there was a strange stirring within Dick that he didn't understand and couldn't explain.
"Come over tonight." Roy moved forward. He paused, giving Dick the opportunity to move or say stop. When Grayson remained still, Roy leaned toward him. Very gently, he kissed Dick. It wasn't long or deep. When he pulled back, Dick's eyes were closed and Roy grinned. Dick may not be sure what he was feeling, but Roy was certain. He knew that it was just a matter of getting passed Dick's mind. "Come over tonight."
Dick opened his eyes, his cheeks reddening. He cleared his throat as he climbed above the mixed messages. "I don't know if that's a good idea."
Roy titled his head to the side, squeezed Dick's hand and grinned. "Come over tonight. I'll keep my clothes on. I give you my word."
Dick's bottom lip rolled in and hit bit down on it.
"Stop thinking, Robbie. If you keep 'thinking', we don't have a chance and I think we do… have a chance, that is."
"Can you honestly tell me that you think that this is right?" Dick asked, frowning. "That this can work?" They weren't rhetorical questions. He was actually interested in Roy's thoughts.
"The answer to both is the same. Come over tonight and let me show you."
Dick drew in a deep breath and released it slowly. Roy could tell that he was weighing it up -- sifting though all of the logical filters he always sorted things through.
"If you think about it long and hard enough, you'll find an excuse not to, Dick," Roy whispered.
"Maybe that's what I'm doing. Looking for an excuse," Dick admitted, gazing out over the river. Did that mean he didn't want it, or was he afraid that he did? Dick simply didn't know.
"I'm not pushing. We do this at your pace, but…" Roy squeezed Dick's hand and Grayson turned back to him. "… come over tonight." He was smiling, his green eyes flashing.
Dick sighed. He blinked once… twice and then, in a very soft voice he breathed, "Okay." Grayson withdrew his hand and added, "On one condition."
Roy raised his eyebrows suspiciously.
Dick smirked. "You be true to your word and keep all of your clothes on."
Roy winked and his eyebrows bounced up and down several times.
"Roy," Dick growled on a rising inflection. "Every stitch stays on.
"Deal." Roy bent forward again, this time leaning against Dick as he kissed him. Dick still wasn't actively participating. He was passive, holding his emotions in check for all the right reasons, Roy knew. Dick was so responsible that it was maddening, but Roy was determined to show him how to let go. Harper's right hand cupped the back of Grayson's neck while his left danced around his friend's back. His strong fingers connected with the pressure point he'd pinpointed a few days earlier. Dick's body responded instantly. His back straightened, accompanied by a rushed intake of breath. Grayson forced Harper away with both hands, his eyes snapping open.
Roy blinked with surprise. Dick had actually started to swoon… drowning in the moment as all that he was suppressing had almost overrun him. At the very last minute, Dick had clawed back restraint.
Harper smiled. This afternoon, Grayson had won the battle for self-control, but Roy felt surer than ever that his friend would inevitably lose the war. This… them… it was right. Dick may not know that yet, but it was. "I'll keep my clothes on, but I won't stop you taking all of yours off if the mood takes you," Roy offered with a dazzling smile.
Dick snorted and his voice broke as his breathing settled. "I can't see that happening, Speedy." He and Roy stared at each other. "Not yet," he whispered. His face clouded in what could only be an apology. "Maybe… probably not at all. About, tonight…" He was already trying to back out -- for all the right reasons.
"I understand, Robbie. I really do."
Roy Harper understood it all from beginning to end. He knew that Dick was fighting with a tenacity that had earned him the respect of both allies and enemies alike. He also knew that despite his best efforts, Grayson was losing the battle against himself. After having overhead Dick's and Donna's conversation, Roy now understood the key reason why Dick was fighting in the first place. While Grayson was definitely uncertain, was concerned about how others would react and even felt the entire situation was bizarre, he was mostly afraid for Roy. In his own stupid, pigheaded, exasperating yet totally selfless way, he was attempting to protect his best friend. He was worried about, and for Roy. What else could someone want from their lover than to know that they were being put first?
Sappy it may be, but it didn't change the truth Roy felt. Dick was special. "Come over tonight. Just you and me spending some time together. Pizza and beer," Roy stood and pulled Dick to his feet. "What do you say?"
It was some time before Dick answered. Once again, the proposal was being analysed. "Pizza and beer sounds great," Dick agreed with a smile.
Roy retuned the smile and determination flashed through his veins. Tonight, he would carefully and gently guide Dick toward letting go and losing control for all the right reasons.
Thank you for reading
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