Chapter 8: Liberal Smugness out the Wazoo!

(AKA: Oscars Night)

(Mann's Chinese Theatre, really, really late, with a really big crowd)

(General Rage's limo pulls up and both he and Blackfire step out)

GR: Welcome to the Oscars Blackfire.

Blackfire: Tell me, are all these people here to take my picture alongside you?

GR: Yes that's the whole point of the Red carpet, to make celebrities feel like gods!

Blackfire: I like this.

GR: Hey look its Tom Cruise!

Cruise: Psychology is psuedo-science. Join my cult.

GR: Watch this Blackfire, Hey Tom! (Cruise looks over at GR) Hail XENU!

(Cruise goes up to him)

Cruise: Why would you do that? You're a jerk.

GR: Scientology ain't even a real religion dude.

Cruise: You're a jerk!

GR: I can live with that. Blackfire do you care if I'm a jerk?

Blackfire: Of course not sweetie.

GR: At least if I ever make her pregnant, I'll "be" the actual father!

Cruise: If you don't like my religion and follow it, you can go F--k yourself!

GR: All hail Xenu!

Blackfire: Xenu bless America!

(Tom Cruise's head explodes)

Katie Holmes: I'm free! (Runs away from bodyguards)

GR: We are so sued.

(Starfire & Robin's limo arrives)

Starfire: Oh Robin is this night not glourious!

Robin: At least my condition healed up. OW! Random Muscle cramp! (Falls face down on carpet) I'm okay!

(After Star helps him up, that annoying lady with all the botox on her comes up to them)

Botox lady: Oh my god. Star and Robin, such a chance seeing you here. So what are you guys wearing.

Starfire: I am wearing traditional Tamaranian formal dress wear. For these occasions are the only times they are apporiate to wear.

Robin: I'm wearing a tux. I hate it. It's itchy.

Botox lady: Oh well it suits you fine to me. He He Ha. So what do you think of the nominees?

Starfire: In truth me and my friends have not seen any of these movies.

Robin: I don't think anyone did.

Botox lady: Kinda like my career. He He Ha. I used host saturday night live.

Robin: Hey, your microphone isn't plugged in. And you don't even have a camera crew. Are you even on tv?

Botox lady: In my mind (Trudges off sobbing)

(Cyborg arrives with several hot babes because no one can decide whether Jynx or bumblebee or Sarasim should nab him and we don't wanna pick sides.)

Cyborg: I'm getting some tonitght!

Girls: No you aren't.

(Cyborg feels disapointed)

(BB and Rae arrive in a super stretch limo)

BB: I make this outfit work.

Raven: It's a tux Beastboy.

BB: Yeah, and a super cool one I saw when I watched the Godfather. You're black dress suits you.

Raven: Anything else and I would have refused to come.

That Goth kid from 'Sisters' who likes showtunes: Hey Rae! Rae! Remember me! Do you like showtunes! Remember!

BB: Do you know that guy?

Raven: He's just some random kid that no one knows or cares about. He was really only in one episode and we never spoke again. The fact he likes showtunes really screwed his chances. He does these kinda things hoping to get my attention. It's rather sad.

(Security officers pull Goth out of crowd and onto the street where he moans about how much his life sucks until a car runs him over. He lives though, no one cares though.)

(Starfire sees Blackfire with GR)

Starfire: Sister! It is glourious to see you! How has your years in exile treated you?

Blackfire: Oh shut up okay.

GR: Now, now Black honey, what did I tell you about dissing my actors?

Blackfire: You told me it wasn't allowed. But she freaking deserves it! I mean everyone likes her but they all hate me! Just because I took over Tamaran and ruled it with an iron fist for a few days! It's not fair! (Starts to sob)

GR: Aw, don't get upset now! Who is my sex kitten?

Blackfire: I am.

GR: Who is your General?

Blackfire: You are.

GR: Who loves you?

Blackfire: You do.

GR: That's right.(GR and Blackfire have hot makeout session on the Red Carpet, GR pulls away for two seconds to scream at the Titans) Don't stand there gawking, like you've never seen a person make out before! (Continues kissing Blackfire)

BB: Okay I'm going inside and away from this.

Raven: Me too

Cyborg: Me three.

Robin: Me Fourth.

Starfire: Why does Friend Rage smother my sister like that? (Robin explains the situation into her ear) They did the 'what' in the 'where' now?

(Later inside the Oscar award ceremony)

George Clooney: I accept this oscar for everyone here. You know we're a little ahead of the curve here in Hollywood. We talked about aids before most people in country. We pretty much led the whole civil rights movement and we've always stood up to big government before anyone else did. (Farts and quickly bends down to smell it) Anyway its great that at least some one honours us here in super smart Hollywood, unlike the rest of trashy backwards America. I mean we're pretty brave to put out such controversial movies that weren't seen only because America is too ignorant and backward to actually care about the message. Us here in Hollywood are much more progressive. (Farts again and bends down to smell it) So here's to Hollwood and me, George Clooney, sexiest man alive! (Huge fart that results in everyone holding their nose whilst George Clooney takes it all in. George Clooney steps off the stage)

Raven: Well that was shameless self promotion.

Robin: Can't breathe! Too much smug self gratificated gas! (GR puts gas mask over Robin's face) Thanks man.

GR: Don't mention it.

Oscar host: And now, political Parodist, General Rage will show his spoofs on the nominees tonight. Can Rage please come up here. Oh there he is.

(Walking music rings up as GR and Blackfire get on stage)

GR: Well folks I never thought I'd see the day when I get to look down upon you are. Oh I see Tom Cruise got his back together. HAIL XENU! (Cruise's head explodes again) Anyway, these Parodies, like the films they are based on, have never been watched before. We did them way before we got the invite to this show, but we thought we should share them with you just to see how'd you like them.

Blackfire: Our first Parody is the Oscar award winner for best actor, Syrianna.

GR: The Oscar that our dear friend George "smells his own farts" Clooney.

(George Clooney bends over to smell his farts)

Blackfire: The man likes himself too much.

GR: I know, its sickening.

Raven: (To BB) Almost as sickening as their relationship.

BB: Its really hard to top a celeberity's smuggness, but Rage and Blackfire come close.

GR: So enjoy the first parody! Roll it!

(Screen behind them displays the classic number countdown till picture start that no one uses anymore.)

(Billy Numerous swipes his card at the Gas Station terminal.)

Machine: Your name matches, Terrorist watch list.

Billy: Huh? What's it talking about?

(Two Sladebots come up from behind and place Billy in a burlap sack and drag him off. Billy wakes up in a dark room tied to a chair. Robin is nearby smoking a cigarette with a lighter in hand. He kneels down to Billy's level)

Robin: Is it safe?

Billy: Huh?

Robin: Is it safe?

Billy: What do you mean?

Robin: Is. It. Safe?

Billy: Look I have no idea what you're talking about.

Robin: (puts arm around Billy's shoulder) Is it safe?

Billy: I'm just a guy who was pumping gas.

Robin: (Puts head on Billy's chest) Is it safe?

Billy: I don't get it!

Robin: (Grabs Billy's cheeks) IS IT SAFE!

Billy: Yeah! Yeah! Its safe.

Robin: (Releases him) Teach him.

(Mammoth punches Billy for several hours)

(Later Billy is all bloodied)

Robin: I am a patient man!

Billy: Call the Hive Academy, they'll tell you who I am.

Robin: Ho ho, your friends can't save you now. Make no mistake, you will die here, Gonchavez Del Montecristo!

Billy: Who?

(Mammoth continues to punch him, while up front BB serves Newfu burger to everyone)

BB: So you wanted a number 1 right?

(Billy's screaming heard in the back)

Customer: What was that?

BB: Oh we like to have our meat fresh you know, its probably just a cow.

Customer: Sounded like a guy.

BB: Oh pay no attention, its better live your life in blissful ignorance. Is this place a front for a torture chamber? We don't know and I don't care! As long as I get paid and you get food.

Customer: Okay, just get me soda with that then.

(Later Billy is woken up with water splashing all over him. After his vision adjusts he sees Brother Blood in front of him)

Billy: Head master!

(Bro. Blood nods to Robin who pulls out a gun and points it to Billy's head)

Billy: NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOO!

(Gun goes off and reveals a bang flag, Billy is confused, back of dark set opens to reveal a big party hall)

Host: Congratulations Billy Numerous! You just participated in the darkest parody ever!

(Dancing girls throw confetti everywhere and people shout darkest parody over and over again)

Billy: I hate you guys.

(Screen goes blank and we're back to the main oscar stage)

GR: Wow, that was black comedy out the wazoo.

Blackfire: I liked the tension build up at the end.

GR: Yeah, that was super cool.

Blackfire: Anyway, the Oscar award winner for best picture "Crash" is up next.

GR: Its not exactly the same though.

(Screen goes back on)

(Big couch in the Titans Tower where all the Black Characters of the TT series are having a LAN party and playing "Burnout" for the XBOX)

Cyborg: (Rams See-More into wall) I wrecked you sucka!

See-More: Cheap! That was cheap!

Hotspot: Yeah, eat it that Herald! I killed you and your aunt and your uncle and you mother and your whole family!

Herald: Oh yeah! PAYBACK! (Intiates crashbreaker)

Hotspot: Dude no fair! You can't do that!

Herald: I just did bitch!

(Herald and Hotspot start fighting each other)

Cyborg: Aw man See-More I wreck you again! While you in mid air! Thats killer!

See-More: I'll get you! You know I will! Just turn around this curve and (Smacks into bus) Damnit!

Cyborg: HA! You suck hard at this!

(Hotspot and Herald's Cars get wrecked by Bumblebee as she speeds down the track.)

Hotspot: See what you did you idiot!

Herald: ME? You just naturally suck!

(Hotspot grabs Herald's controller and smacks him across the head with it)

Hotspot: Who sucks now!

Cyborg: See-More give it up you can't kick my ass!

See-More: Oh yeah, well how about this then! (Smack another car right into Cy and causes him to crash)

Cyborg: Aw man! That's just weak dude!

(Hotspot, Herald, See-More and Cyborg all lined up perfectly for the finish line when Bee hits one of them off course causing a chain reaction that makes them all crash into each other and a bus and several trucks! Bee wins race)

Bumblebee: Aw yeah! Give it up for the black girl! Eat my dust suckas.

See-More: You made me lose!

Cyobrg: ME? You weren't watching the road!

Hotspot: No fair! I had the most takedowns!

Herald: You had the most crashes idiot!

Hotspot: F--- you ass hole!

Val Yor: I just don't like black people.

(Everyone pulls out their gats and guns Val Yor down. Screen turns off)

GR: Well that was freaky huh?

Blackfire: Sounds just like the losers on Xbox live to me.

GR: I wasn't interested in the movie, so I made my own. There weren't enough crashes in the original. But he had the same basic themes, sorta.

Blackfire: The winner of the best Actress oscar is next. "The Constant Gardner!"

GR: Roll it!

(Screen turns back on)

(Opening scene shows the majestic plains of Africa, which is interuppted the patch of farm land that looks like it's growing tulips, carrots and tomatoes. BB is watering the plant)

BB: Ah, yeah this is the life.

(Raven walks up to him)

Raven: Your garden is beautiful Beastboy. How do you get it like that?

BB: Oh I use the dead bodies of victims of genocide as fertilizer.

(Raven just looks at him wide eyed and the film ends)

Ray Fiennes: I forgive you, for not seeing this film. I pardon you.

GR: We we're going to parody the movie "The New World."

Blackfire: But it was just a picture of a tree for several hours. Because plots get in the way of the art.

GR: So we did something else instead.

Blackfire: Here's a short parody of "Munich"

(Kick ass action scene follows on screen as Speedy, Robin, Beastboy, Cyborg and Red X start acting out a bunch of extremely cool gun battles with Arabic terrorists)

Robin: That's for the Olymipic Eleven!

BB: Eat lead!

Cyborg: Booya!

Red X: Explosion time! (Blows up terrorist)

Speedy: Taste my arrows! Say hi to Allah!

(Gun battles stop)

Robin: I feel so conflcted. Did we do the right thing?

BB: I don't know. But I didn't enjoy it.

Cyborg: It had to be done. But I feel as if we lost our humanity.

Speedy: Why is this world so violent and cruel.

Red X: Guys. Snap out of it, they were terrorists and they weren't asking themselves the same questions after they killed the athletes. They don't care, they're sadistic asses.

Robin: Oh, nevermind then.

BB: Yeah, lets get Pizza.

Cyborg: Yeah I'm hungry.

Speedy: Yeah, that took a lot out of me.

(Film ends)

GR: Now that film wasn't so bad. But it still was stupid sometimes.

Blackfire: Here's the Capote parody.

(Screen goes back on but all it shows is several scenes from the original with the song from "Team America" 'Everyone has Aids' playing in the background.)

GR: We are so gonna get flamed for this!

Blackfire: We apologize for that, it was wrong and shameful.

GR: I blame Val Yor! Get him! (Several crazy liberal chase Val Yor from the building) Whoa, close one there honey.

Blackfire: Got that right. Here's Memoirs of Geisha, aka the porno film that made it to the Oscars!

(This part of the film is censored, please scroll down several sections)

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-We're serious, it would push the rating up

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GR: Whoa that was some hot sexy Japanese Magna action. It makes me want to do things to Blackfire when we get back to my room.

Blackfire: Try out the last position first, it looked sweet.

GR: Yeah, it did didn't it?

Blackfire: And now the final Film, Brokeback Mountain!

GR: Which is basically one big joke in its self, but who cares. Roll the film!

(Screen opening shows Aqualad and Speedy in cowboy attire on a mountain ridge)

Aqualad: Nice view huh?

Speedy: Yep.

Aqualad: Makes you want to love people huh?

Speedy: I guess.

Aqualad: Makes you want to accept certain feelings for certain people.

Speedy: Huh?

Aqualad: Makes you wantg to tell people real big secrets about their closed lives huh?

Speedy: Dude, what the F---?

Aqualad: I'm sorry I just need someone to...

Speedy: Dude get away from me!

Aqualad: But...

Speedy: You're a sick little bastard! I'm not attracted to you! No one is! Raven only got all heart eyed because the producers made OOC for that episode! Get the F--- away from me!

Aqualad: You don't care about my feelings! (Runs off sobbing and hides in the Titan's East Closet)

Speedy: God I wish he knew how to quit me.

BB: I wish I knew how to quit you Tofu bar.

Cyborg: I wish I knew how to quit you T-Car.

Robin: I wish I knew how to quit you investigative obessesion for finding where Slade is.

Control Freak: I wish I knew how to quit you TV.

Kid Flash: I wish I knew how to quit you slow moving way of life.

Billy Numerous: I wish I knew how to quit you Billy.

See-More: I wish I knew how to quit you obvious stereotypical token black guy additude.

Mammoth: I wish I knew how to quit you unhealty eating habits.

Gizmo: I wish I knew how to quit you cruddy two year old computer.

Kyd Wykkyd: (Says nothing but secretly wishes he knew how to quit being mute)

Slade: I wish I knew how to quit you strange pedophilliac personality.

Mousieur Mallah: I wish I knew how to quit you master.

The Brain: Me as well Mallah.

Speedy: What the F---?

Reporter: We have news that Aqualad has locked himself in the closet and refuses to come out. Here with more is R. Kelley.

R. Kelley: I was just standing here,

and then Aqualad locked himself in the closet.

I asked why Aqualad locked himself in the closet!

But nobody has no answers.

So I pull out my gun!

(Everyone runs away)

Someone better tell me why Aqualad's in the closet or I'm gonna shoot someone!

(Bumblebee knocks on Aqualad's closet door)

Bumblebee: Aqualad, its me Bee.

AL: Hey Bee.

Bee: Aqua, you need to come out of the closet.

AL: I'm not in the closet.

Bee: Yes you are Aqua. Everyone here just wants you to come out and stop hiding from the fact that you are in the closet.

AL: But I'm not in the closet.

Bee: I'm not going to think differently of you Aqua, Aquaman is going to think differently of you, Daulphin isn't going to think differently of you. So what if Speedy called you unattractive, it doesn't mean anything. Just come out of the Closet.

AL: But I'm not in here.

Bee: Then how am I talking to you Aqua? How am I talking to you?

(Later...)

Aquaman: Hey Garth, its me Aquaman.

Aqualad: Oh, hey man.

Aquaman: Listen man, you need to come out of the closet. You just can't stay in there forever you know.

Aqualad: Sure I can.

Aquaman: I wanted to do the same thing when they changed my outfit to that shirtless, golden mullet guy with a hook for a hand. But it isn't going to change anything that's already happened. Just come out of the closet and we can talk about this.

Aqualad: I don't wanna.

Aquaman: Then can you at least let me come with you?

Aqualad: No tricks?

Aquaman: No tricks.

Aqualad: Okay.

(Aqualad opens door and Aquaman enters)

(Later...)

Reporter: We have reports that both Aquaman and Aqualad are in the closet and are refusing to come out! Here with more is R. Kelley.

R. Kelley: Well I was just standing here, Aqualad locked himself in the closet.

Now Aquaman has locked himself in the closet too.

Please Aquaman and Aqualad come outta the closet!

I'm Calm my self down now... and pull out my gun!

(Everyone runs away again)

Reporter: Not the gun again!

R. Kelley: (Grabs innocent woman) Aquaman and Aqualad better get out of the closet or else I'm gonna cap this bitch!

(Later, back at the closet)

R. Kelley: Well I've been asked to come up here and get you outta the closet.

Man this some crazy s--t why won't you just come outta the closet and they said...

Aquaman & Aqualad: We aren't coming out of the closet, so you can just go away.

R. Kelley: But everyone wants out the closet.

Aquaman & Aqualad: That doesn't matter cause we're gonna stay.

R. Kelley: Now I'm starting to get angry, so I pull out my gun!

(Everyone in the hallway runs away)

R. Kelley: You have the count of three to open this closet door!

One! I'm gonna shoot you both!

Two! I'm gonna cap a bitch!

Three...

(Closet door opens and R. Kelley steps inside caustiously. Closet door closes behind him)

R. Kelley: Now I'm in the closet. Now I'm in the closet too! Oh yeah.

(Later Aqualad, Aquaman and R. Kelley come outta the closet. Aqualad confronts Speedy)

Speedy: So you over the fact that your poor sidekick and annoying pretty boy everyone thinks is gay?

Aqualad: Yeah I guess I am.

Speedy: Good, I'm gonna leave you to yourself now. This whole movie at least makes gays seem normal though, instead of the naked crazies seen on "Gay Pride day." Still there really is no audience for it, except actual gay people and everyone knows how small a market they are.

(Screen goes blank)

GR: Well that took awhile longer then the others.

Blackfire: I still don't understand why people would think this movie would get a bigger audience other then gay people.

GR: We're not doing "Good Night and Good Luck" at all because Dan Rather pretty much screwed up the whole honesty thing for CBS. Trying to sell it off as a network with integrity is impossible now.

Dan Rather: I'm Dan Rather and I approved this message. Sorta, kinda, not really.

GR: Anyway, onto our closing statement. You people in Hollywood are all smug little pricks! You call these movies controversial? Hell, maybe 40 years ago! But now people are more accepting of blacks, aids, gays, women, nature and practically everything you idiots keep pushing! You're the norm! You're as much the norm as the conservatives now! No one saw these fiilms because no one wanted to! You know why? Because they were boring! We keep hearing you idiots whine and complain about society and the way things are run so much it gets so boring! You want controversial, try a British film about gay people that was done in Britian when Homosexuality was illegal! Now putting out that film took guts! That took balls! Brokeback Mountain... ITS A JOKE! A big fat running joke! You know how many 'I wish I knew how to quit you' jokes there are? Millions! America has accepted homosexuality as norm, so they don't care! And Syrianna, what proof do you have of abuse in Gutanamo? A bunch of F---s from a UN human rights council that has half of its members coming from dictatorships like Cuba and China and Saudi Arabia? Does the words "Sudan Genocide" ring a bell? How come the great and powerful UN hasn't done anything? Because they're all busy body lazy ass F---s who don't do anything! You liberals aren't controversial! You're smug! You're all smug little asses who think that they're the only ones in the world who are right! Well you know what f--- you! (Holds up middle finger) The only people who are controversial are people like me who attack both sides of the political debate! So the rest of you wannabes can go f--- ya selves!

Blackfire: Oh, General. Your firey temper and off the handle speech giving additude, turns me on. Take me now!

(Blackfire and GR begin to roll around on the stage floor kissing)

GR: You may want to leave now!

(Everyone runs from their seats to the nearest exit)

Robin: Well this was an eventful evening.

Starfire: Yes friend Robin. And rather provocative as well.

Raven: Thank god this is over.

Cyborg: I just hope we can forget some things from this night.

BB: You can say that again. RUN AWAY!

(The Titans escape with the corneas attached as Blackfire and General Rage continue to make out)

Epilogue

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Robin has recovered fully from his Steroid accident and is now returning to his obssesive state of hunting bad guys. Star has reinstituted his threapy sessions.So basically everything is back to normal between them.

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Cyborg got several offers from "Pimp my Ride" on MTV after they saw his parodying acting. So far he has pimped several awesome rides and is now going into the "Pimping Car" bussiness. He still fights bad guy though

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Starfire got a part in a action film called "Kill Andy" where she uses a magic sword of revenge to seek revenge against those whno wronged her and get her revenge against them at last. Shes gotten many proposals of marriage but she has turned them all down because she is too in love with Robin.

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Raven finally got to do her poetry readings and has kept her BB Shrine a total secret from everyone.

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Beastboy is still clueless.

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Val Yor was found dead in a ditch the following morning after the Oscar. He was murdered with a peace symbol sign.

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DW. Griffith and Tom Laughlin are still pussies

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Tom Cruise is dead, Katie Holmes is still free, Scientologists still deny Psychology could have helped Cruise stop being so crazy.

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Hollywood is still full of smug pricks. George Clooney died from taking too big a whiff of one of his farts.

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Slade won't stop calling General Rage to complete the "Turner Diaries" Parody. His whereabouts are unknown.

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General Rage and Blackfire moved to the Bahamas. Where Blackfire and him continue their lustful yet still rather disturbing relationship that is primarily based on having sex. Niether one minds though and it is apparent that they both love each other like a normal couple would. They plan on raising their first child and calling him Sargeant Pain. But they say they will continue to have sex anyway, thanks to the magic of the pill. General Rage wishes to take a brake from the movie bussiness for now... until he can find more movies to parody and exploit. Possibly Harry Potter or any number of his favourite action movies. BB has already signed on for whatever part Rage has planned for him in the hopes he gets the lead role again. Rage isn't promising anything to him. In the meantime we expect him to be working on other projects besides parodies.

We do hope you have enjoyed these parodies as much as we enjoyed making them and we do wish that you look forward to more stories in the future. Until then, keep rereading this story until the jokes stop making you laugh. Which happens inevitably with everything. Now go outside and play.