UNDYING PIE
There is no SANE explanation to the title, really. It was adapted from my story Undying Storm, but only because it was an AeriSeph fic, and so is this... Kind of... Ha! And also... Aeris makes alot of pies and cookies... Well, enjoy a very random and practically pointless story! Ciao!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own FF. Live with it.
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CHAPTER ONE - THE CRAZY FIRST CHAPTER!
Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh... There's nothing like a nice Friday evening... Unless of course you live next door to Aeris and Sephiroth, that is.
"AERIS!" Sephiroth yelled from upstairs, seeing as how his wife was DOWNSTAIRS and he couldn't be bothered to go... Down... The stairs.
"I'M CLEANING THE OVEN!" Aeris shouted back. "IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME, COME DOWN HERE!"
"NO! I'M TOO BUSY TO LEAVE MY EVIL LAYER!"
Just so you know, Sephiroth's evil layer is actually one of the bedrooms. Their house has four. Why, when they only need one? Well, they need an unused master bedroom, one each for themselves, and one for the evil layer! We'll go into detail of their personal problems a bit later on.
Anyway, Aeris eventually gave up, and just went upstairs, still wearing the grease-covered apron and gloves, and went into the 'evil layer', ignoring the KEEP OUT signs.
"Okay, you malevolent psychopath!" She excalimed. "I'M HERE! WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Oh, good." Sephiroth said, looking out of the window through his telescope. "Could you do me a favour and sign those divorce papers on the desk over there?"
Aeris began to grind her teeth.
"Just... Wait... A few... Minutes..."
Then she left, and returned a few minutes later with a... CHAINSAW! No, just kidding... She returned with... A PEN!
DUN-DUN-DDDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
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And then Cloud awoke with a loud scream.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
He woke up on the counter of the 7th Heaven, where he had fallen asleep.
"Oh, good morning Cloud." Tifa said, cleaning the counter around him. "Why did you wake up in such a... Uhh... Loud manner?"
"OH MY GOD! TIFA! I had the most AWFUL dream! I dreamt that Aeris and Sephiroth were married, and then-- Hey... Wait a minute... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SHE WAS SIGNING DIVORCE PAPERS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I WIN! HAHAHAHA!"
Tifa just... Sweatdropped.
"Cloud. Aeris and Sephiroth ARE married. It's almost the entire point of this story."
"W-W-W-WHHHHHHHAAAATTTTTTTTTTT? HOW LONG WAS I ASLEEP?" Cloud excalimed, shaking her. "TELL ME!"
"About 2 months. I lost alot of service seeing as you were on the counter, but, oh well... What're you gonna do?"
"Are you... Kidding?"
"No."
Suddenly, Cloud's heart was broken. Literally. And he fell back onto the counter and turned pale and cold.
"Oh my God!" Tifa shouted, and she tried to call an ambulance, but the 7th Heaven was in the Slums and ambulances can't get down there and then it was too late because Cloud was DEAD!
DUN-DUN-DDDDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
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And then Sephiroth awoke with a loud scream.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
He woke up on... Uhh... The lawn of a house! In fact, it was the same house that was introduced first of all in this story!
"Oh, good morning!" Aeris said cheerfully, waving a set of keys infront of his face. "Got the keys!"
"Where'd you find them?" He asked.
"In my purse..." She replied.
"YOU MEAN WE STAYED OUT HERE ALL NIGHT, AND THEY TURNED OUT TO BE IN YOUR PURSE ALL ALONG?"
"Yeah, duh, that's what I said!"
Then, Aeris unlocked the door, and then put the keys back in her purse, before pulling their suitcases towards the door. They had just come back from their Honeymoon, but they don't actually have any stuff, so the suitcases are pretty much... Empty. Where did they go? They went to SPIRA, of course! And what can you get in Spira? Nothing. That's what. Anyway, after that, they went inside. I know that after you come home when you're married, the guy's supposed to carry the girl through the door, but those two aren't into that sorta stuff, so they just walked in. With the empty suitcases.
"Wow. This place is cool." Aeris said, because they had only just bought the house before they got married.
Before that, they were living at Elmyra's house, and she had just kidnapped Marlene and was trying to raise her to be an Aeris clone, so they decided they would live together. Elmyra almost INSTANTLY disallowed it, but then Aeris was like 'SCREW YOU, YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM!', and then she threw a(n empty) vase across the front room and went ahead and bought the house. How did she buy the house? The magic of ArcBus Loans! You don't even have to pay the money back! HA! (Terms and Conditions apply, only applicable to those requiring money for story plots). So, that was when Elmyra did practically EVERYTHING to stop them from living together! She treid to make it look like Sephiroth had cheated on Aeris, but Aeris saw right through that because, ahem, he just... WOULDN'T do that! She tried it the other way around, but who would else would Aeris like? CLOUD? HAHAHA! Don't make me laugh! So, she tried... Well, there weren't any other things she could really do. So, she decided, that... Well, actually, this was the part when they actually got married, and halfway through the ceremony, Elmyra just suddenly thought 'Fuck this. Once this is over, I'm killing myself.' And, so, she gave the very Aeris-like Marlene back to Barrett, and then threw herself off a cliff. Actually, she asked Barrett if, as a punishment for kidnapping Marlene, he would shoot her and then let her fall. But Barrett would NEVER agree to do something like that! NEHVEHR! So, instead, he saved her life. But she wasn't pleased. Not at all. Anyway, as for Aeris, she was probably thinking 'I married an evil maniac and my Mom tried to kill herself. What a great day this is...', sarcastically. But actually, she was thinking 'I MARRIED AN EVIL MANIAC AND MY MOM TRIED TO KILL HERSELF! WHAT A GREAT DAY THIS IS!' in, you know, actual terms. And then they went to Spira, and now here they are!
Okay, so the kind people at the ArcBus Estate Agency (They're not like other estate agents. They're fair. In fact, they're... FAIRER than fair!) had already fully furnished the house. And it was, like, THE BEST HOUSE EVER! It had EVERYTHING! (Except a pool). That's right! EVERYTHING! (Except a pool). Actually, it doesn't have everything, but it's still a pretty cool house. But very complicated, so I can't really describe it better than that. It was even on the Top Plate of Midgar! YAY!
So, there they were... In that... Nice house... Peacefully... Standing... There...
...Yes...
...Until...
...Sephiroth took a step forward, and it was like... A MILLIMETER!
"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Aeris yelled, before pinning him to the floor.
"WHAT?" He excalimed.
"What was the agreement?" She asked.
"...You get first choice of the bedrooms..."
"That's right! So, if you're alright checking out everything down here, I'm going to go upstairs."
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So, Aeris went upstairs, and then... Sephiroth just shook his head and left the suitcases in the middle of the floor in the (very large) hall, to go look at the rest of the ground floor. And, that's our cue to go upstairs to see what Aeris was doing up there. She had found a large bedroom. Except it was very... Childish... It had pink and purple wallpaper and... A single bed... CHILD sized. She liked the colours, but she wanted to see the rest of the rooms. So, she walked out of that room, and went into the next. It was definatly very... Red... And it had a bunk bed... Her first impressions were 'Uh... Too... Red.' So she walked out. And she went into the final room along the row of them, and that had white and yellow stuff in it, and a cot in the middle of the room! AAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! She liked that room, but not for herself, so she went into the last bedroom, on the other side of the stairs, and it was... The master room... With a double bed in it... She liked the room, but thought 'Okay... I liked the pink room better'. So, she settled for the first one. Yay!
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And that's our cue to go downstairs to see what Sephiroth was doing down there. Absolutely nothing. Why? Hell, I don't know. Actually, he... Yeah, you've guessed it, was looking for the basement. Yes, you've also guessed IT. He was looking for the basement so he could turn it into his EVIL LAYER! But, unfortunatly, there was no way to the basement. So, he decided to go UPSTAIRS and see if there was a way to get into the attic.
"Well, I've chosen my room." Aeris said, standing outside her door. "Though, I don't know WHAT the crazy designers were thinking when they decorated this place! Tsk, tsk, tsk!"
Then, she went into her room to... You know... Do whatever Aeris does in her spare time. Probably... Taking away all the fluffy stuff, for a start. And that left Sephiroth with the HORRIFYING task of looking at all the other rooms, seeing as there wasn't a way into the attic. So, he went into the red one, and he was all like 'Right... Better look at the others'. So, he went into the white and yellow one! AAAAAAWWWWWWWWW! Except, he was like '... O.o OMGZORZ!' So, he LEFT that one and went into the master bedroom, to which he just though 'Oookkaaayyy... I'm guessing Aeris took the best one.' And he just decided to use the red one as both his evil layer AND his bedroom.
Why aren't they sharing the master bedroom, you ask? Well, it would... Just... Never happen! Well, I wouldn't say... NEVER. It's not like they're Vincent and Yuffie in an ArcBus story. Now THAT would NEVER happen. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW! No, in fact, they're Aeris and Sephiroth in an ArcBus story. And that means crazy weird plotlines! HAHAHA!
So, that was the plan. Everything seemed to be... Okay... But, then, one day, two months later...
... AHEM!
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TWO MONTHS LATER...
SOOOOOOOOOO... Basically, Aeris was in the kitchen, and for some reason, she was making a pie. A cherry pie, to be precise.
"Aeris?" Sephiroth asked. "What are you doing?"
"I'm making a pie." She replied. "A cherry pie, to be precise."
He raised an eyebrow. She had been acting very... Weird... Lately.
"Are you okay?" He asked in a concerned voice.
"Yes." She replied hastily. "I'm fine."
"...Alright..." He said, trailing off, obviously knowing that she WASN'T alright.
He went back to his 'evil layer', trying to ignore the weirdness, and got out a telescope to look out of the window and into the Shinra building with. One of the good points about his evil layer was that it had a PERFECT view of the Shinra building. Most people wouldn't have liked that, but this meant that Sephiroth could plot his crazy revenge scheme on them! Hwahaha! But little did he know, there were people spying on him, too!
Let me give you ANOTHER part of this plot. Sephiroth has stalkers; Three teenage girls, who are driven by their love of Final Fantasy VII, and also their love of... Sephiroth! Go figure... They're practically the Prince Yuki Fan Club from Fruits Basket, but the Sephiroth equivilant. They work for Shinra, but only now so they can watch their DARLING through the WINDOWS! And by the way, they are the ONLY people in Shinra that know Sephiroth lives there. They are also aware of Aeris. They treat her like Tohru. IT'S TRUE!
The first member is the President. She's like that really TALL girl with the really LONG hair and really LONG socks from the Yuki FC, who I forget the name of. Well, actually, she is. Just with a little ajustment. Her name is... Maryland-Susanne. She was born in Maryland, USA, so her parents decided to name her after that state! Her name is shortened to Mary-Sue.
The second member is like Motoko Minegawa, or whatever you call that Yuki FC girl with bunches that almost got killed by Hana. She is called Olivia-Caroline, another double-barrelled name. Since it's double-barreled like Mary-Sue, her name was shortened to initials - OC.
The third member is like that one who wore the frog hat when the Yuki FC went to Hana's house. Megumi never learnt her name, so she wasn't cursed. Her name is Francesca Girdle, but everyone just calls her Fan Girl.
OMG! What a COINCIDENCE! Mary-Sue, OC and Fan Girl! HAHAHAHAHA! No, it's not a coincidence. It's called creativity.
"What's happening, President?" OC asked, as Mary-Sue looked through the binoculars.
"He's... Being... Stunning... As usual..." Mary-Sue replied.
Then, all three went all... Floaty... With stars and flowers and SHOJO SPARKLES! And big gleaming eyes, and... HALLUCINATIONS! But suddenly, that creepy Fruits Basket theme came on. The one that ALWAYS comes on whenever the President is talking about her angst-ridden love for Yuki, and how Tohru is RUINING everything.
"But... I pains me how he could marry that worthless Aeris girl... Everytime I see her... I just want to... AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
She leant over backwards, and to stop her from falling, the other two held her up.
"So, what's our plan, President?" Fan Girl asked.
"Hmm... Well, we could think of a plan now and carry it out quickly and unprofessionally, or we could appear in the next chapter with a good plan that actually had a chance of working...!" Mary-Sue replied proudly.
"I think next chapter!" OC said.
"ME TOO!" Fan Girl said.
"Then it's settled! Let's--"
"Uh... Pardon me, ladies?" Reno asked in a British accent (Classin ArcBus joke. See FFVII: What Really Happened for details), walking over to them. "Are you going to actually DO something?"
And, suddenly... Mary-Sue thought of a BRILLIANT idea.
"Hey, uh, Reno?" She asked. "Could you do us a little favour? It's for work!"
"...Does it involve bloodshed?" Reno asked, slightly intruiged.
"It will eventually!"
"BRAVO! So, what do you want me to do?"
Then, Mary-Sue brought on an EVIL LAUGH! As did OC! And then Fan Girl! And Reno just... Stared... At them... Should I end this chapter now? Maybe...
BASS IT!
Phew... BASS IT! Indicates the end of a chapter, okay? Right-o.
Uh... Any questions? Improvements? Explanations? That's what reviews are there for! QUESTIONS! Oh my gosh! I LOVE QUESTIONS! FAQ! WOO! No, I really do! I love to answer questions, so if you have any, please don't be shy! I want friends! Though... This is probably another failure of a fic... It's not really going anywhere... You know... Yet.
OKAY! Bai-Bai!