A/N: Part Two, obviously. This was technically completed over a week ago, but I wasn't too happy with it. I've been re-working it some, and I'm still not entirely pleased with it, but this is as good as it's going to get, I think. It's not as good as Solacium, in my opinion, but it's readable. Er, I hope. Standard warnings from the first chapter still apply. Beware the OOC, etc etc.
This fic is also posted on soera.l ivejournal.c om. Take out the spaces in the address to get to the journal, which also contains more of my fiction. You might also want to have a look at this new doujin circle I'm in: poco-a-poco.d eviantart.c om. We don't have FF VII art up yet, but it's on the way!
Enjoy!
Endymion
Part Two: Tiro
13/04
0715
I am not in the habit of keeping diaries, but this journal is the product of a suggestion made to me a while ago by Cloud. He seems to have noticed my rather perturbed state of mind lately, and suggested that writing things out might help me set my own thoughts in order. I find myself rather uncertain as to how this will help me, exactly, but I agreed to at least try it.
However, perhaps some background information is in order, before I explain anything else. I write this not only to help myself think things through, but also so that in the event of my death, those close to me might understand a little more about me. This, therefore, is for Zack and Cloud. I do not desire death, but it is a real possibility in my line of work.
We are in Nibelheim now, running a standard inspection on the mako reactor here in the mountains. There have been rather too many instances of reactors failing recently, and ShinRa has decided to step up inspections. The failed reactors have led to quite a number of problems, both on the Plate and in the Slums, and discontent is growing amongst the people. It is for that reason that President ShinRa decided to send me personally to inspect this reactor; as a sign to the people that ShinRa does indeed take its job seriously.
The platoon has been here three days now, and it was yesterday that Zack and I went up to the mako reactor. A local girl named Tifa accompanied us as a guide. She was competent, thankfully, and we reached the reactor earlier than expected. The checks also went well, although we will have to run a few more later today.
But I found myself with extra time on my hands, and while Zack was running the last checks on the reactor's X-243 system, I decided to have a look around the place to see if there were any visible leaks anywhere. There have been reports of monsters in the region which could very possibly have been created by mutation via mako contamination.
I knew that Doctor Hojo had conducted some mako-related experiments in the region in the past, and therefore theorised that any leaks could possibly be due to his enthusiasm in obtaining fresh mako. I know better than most what lengths he will go to in order to obtain fresh samples of mako. I know too, what he does with it.
In any case, I went to the old ShinRa mansion in Nibelheim. It has long since been abandoned, but I hoped to find old records of what experiments had been carried out here in the past. In the belief that no one save those I choose will ever see this, I will state here now that I would not put it past Doctor Hojo to have deliberately created the monsters that reportedly terrorise the region now. The locals claim that the mountains are no longer safe; a cause for worry, since they depend on the mountain passes for their supplies and trade.
I did find some things of great interest in the mansion. Doctor Hojo's personal notes, in fact, far more than I ever thought I would discover. They detail a great number of experiments, not all of them ethical. I had not the time to read through them in great detail, but I believe I saw some notes on human experimentation. I believe this may have been the precursor to what is now an accepted field of study – mako-based enhancement. I am, however, fairly sure that at the time, such study was illegal.
I plan on returning today and making a more thorough examination of his notes, in order to determine exactly what he was doing. For now, however, Zack is here and waiting for me to leave. I will further elaborate on what I have found once I am sure of my facts.
-Sephiroth
--
13/04
2050
It would be a grave mistake to assume that the only reason I have been somewhat unsettled of late is because of what I have found at the mansion. Cloud, if ever you read this – your mother is a formidable woman. I cannot claim to understand her, but I think I can somewhat understand now, how you could have grown up the way you have. And yet, at the same time, I feel as if I am treading a minefield whenever I speak to her.
No doubt if you are reading this, Zack, you will want to tell Cloud. Please do refrain from doing so.
But leaving aside that topic, let me write now on what I found today. I asked Zack to take care of most of the checks today, personally running only a brief scan of the Alpha system. It reported no problems with the pipes, so if there is a leak, that is not where the problem lies.
I believe I may have worried Zack a little with the way I disappeared immediately after I had checked the Alpha system. If I did, I must apologise. I proceeded to the basement of the ShinRa mansion to continue my personal investigation into Doctor Hojo's old records.
Unfortunately, Doctor Hojo does not appear to have been much for order. Time has also taken its toll, so I find myself faced with the unenviable task of sorting through all the notes. I have already removed the notes that are beyond salvage, for some have been quite thoroughly destroyed by water and insects. The remainder I have secured in the basement. Tomorrow, I will attempt to sort through them and at least place them in chronological order. If nothing else, Doctor Hojo does at least note the dates of all his experiments, so the only thing that stands in the way of a quick sorting is the sheer volume of notes.
There were a fair number of old tapes as well, undoubtedly made during experiments when he had his hands – literally – full. I must see if I can procure a tape recorder before going back up tomorrow. If I cannot, I will simply sort through the handwritten notes and see if there is anything that bears further investigation. In that event, I will find a way to bring the tapes back to Midgar to study them. There is a risk involved with that, of course. Doctor Hojo always seems to know what I am up to while in ShinRa. He regards me as a prize specimen, I feel. It is not a sensation I enjoy, but it is something I must take into account.
-Sephiroth
--
14/04
2130
Today, for the first time in a long while, I found myself having a pleasant meal with people I could consider family. I have missed these meals with Zack and Cloud, far more than I think even they know. They provide me with a kind of normalcy that is sorely lacking in my life. I do not believe that President Shinra wants me to be normal; I believe he wants me to always be extraordinary, to stand out from the crowd, the perfect figurehead, and thus have I been groomed. But I find myself craving these moments in which I can be human, and I find myself grateful for the company of these two men.
We dined with Cloud's mother. Again, the minefield, but I think I made a good impression on her. At the very least, she refrained from throwing sharp things at me, which has to be a good sign.
I had little luck today with sorting through Doctor Hojo's notes. I was barely down in the basement for half an hour or so when someone rapped at the door. As it turned out, Zack had discovered some anomalies during what ought to have been a routine check. We made a search of the premises, but none of the storage facilities seem to have any visible defects. Tomorrow we will have to run a more thorough check. As I write this, Zack is prepping the equipment we will need for tomorrow.
I admit here to feeling somewhat uneasy about what lies ahead. Perhaps it is merely because these are Doctor Hojo's notes that I am looking through, because this is where he conducted some of his experiments. Whatever the reason, I find myself loathe to return tomorrow.
-Sephiroth
--
14/04
2240
Cloud has just been in here asking me what Zack and I will be doing tomorrow. I refrained from providing too many details, but the lad is quick enough on the uptake to almost immediately realise we discovered something wrong with the reactor. Or maybe I should be working on hiding my emotions more; perhaps I'm slipping.
We spoke for well over an hour (not all about work, thankfully) and he has only just left after we realised the time. The imp had the gall to apologise for making me lose my beauty sleep and then running off before I could deliver retribution.
Somehow, he has successfully managed to lighten my mood. I no longer quite fear the coming day.
-Sephiroth
--
15/04
1300
As it turns out, we have been stranded here in Nibelheim today. The rain does not appear to be letting up, and the storm is violent enough that the pathway up to the reactor will be all but impassable. One of the locals, Zangan, assures us that the rain will continue for at least another day. We have also been duly cautioned that landslides are a real possibility, even after the rains stop.
So here we sit in enforced lassitude. Or I do, at any rate. Zack seems to have meandered down to the bar. No doubt he's thanking his lucky stars that he is bunking here in the inn, as opposed to being out in the field. We have had to bring in the soldiers and tents because of the severity of the storm, and it is a positive madhouse downstairs in the pub area. Some of the villagers have offered to put up the soldiers for the night in their homes. I am merely thankful that we brought only a small group here.
A note here, for posterity's sake – we have with us only a small group, consisting of two Soldiers Second Class, their five trainees, and some few gendarmerie. Zack and I are in charge of this motley crew, who were chosen mainly because the majority of them are either used to mountain regions, or have experience dealing with mako. And of course, Cloud is with us as well, as Zack's trainee.
I find myself rather craving some of the wonderful food provided here, but at the same time, I do not wish to face the crowd. Perhaps all Doctor Hojo's grooming has done is to cause me to withdraw into myself. The great leader he envisioned would rather sit alone in his room, a fact I am sure would cause him great consternation. I find I do not much care though – and someone is knocking at my door. A moment.
A moment has in fact been a few hours, and tumultuous ones at that. More and more these days, I suspect Cloud of… there is no elegant way of phrasing this. It seems almost as if he is flirting with me. Perhaps I am reading too deeply into some of his words and actions, and perhaps I am rather too greatly influenced by my own desires, but nonetheless – there is that suspicion of mine.
And that is all it shall remain.
This has turned out to be more of a personal journal than the record-book of Doctor Hojo's notes that I originally intended for it to be. But no matter; this writing is cathartic in a sense. Perhaps this is part of the reason why Cloud always enjoyed writing home. It helps that he had someone so wise to write to, of course. It helps that he had anyone at all to write to. I can make no such claim and so I write to myself.
There is something vaguely pathetic about that.
-Sephiroth
--
15/04
1806:15
I am literally counting down the seconds. Will this rain never cease? If anything, it seems to have intensified. I do not think I am made for extended periods of inactivity. At least when I had paperwork to do I had something to think about, even if I couldn't be physically active.
Where is Cloud when I need him?
No knock at the door. I suppose I cannot expect him to be psychic all the time. I have been reduced to polishing Masamune to pass the time. I am greatly attached to this sword of mine, unwieldy great hunk of metal though it may be – but not to the extent of spending an entire day on it!
And yet, I know what will happen if I go downstairs. The inevitable hush, the stares and mutters. Disdain, awe, there is little difference between the two. I would rather boredom over inflicting that upon myself voluntarily.
I find myself wondering what exactly Doctor Hojo's notes contain. I know that he moved to Midgar only a few years after my birth, and he has often enough told me that he has been grooming me since birth, upon President Shinra's orders. Is it possible then, that I was born here in Nibelheim? Indeed, that there may be records of my birth, lost somewhere within his notes on his experiments? That, more than anything else, may be what drives me to search through all his notes.
If a person knows only their mother's name, does not know their father and is loved by none, does that person exist?
-Sephiroth
--
16/04
0200
I am crying.
It has been so long since I have done anything of the sort. I had almost forgotten what it was like.
I am crying now because of a dream I had. It sounds so infantile when I put it like that, and yet I cannot help myself.
The tears have more or less stopped now. I am alternately watching the clock and writing. There is not much to do now, and I cannot seem to get back to sleep.
I have never had a dream of this ilk before. Nightmares, of course, I know what people call them. But can it be a nightmare when it is something that could easily happen in real life? Perhaps it still is a nightmare even then, just a bad dream, right up until the moment it comes true and then it's just cruel reality and I cannot cry.
Is that why I am crying now?
I do not want to put Cloud in any sort of danger. But is that not what he signed up for when he joined the military? Who am I to try and protect him? I have no claim.
None, but I long for one.
-Sephiroth
--
16/04
0800
Still the rain.
I have not been to sleep since I last wrote. The sandman seems not to favour me this day.
I am my usual self now, or so I would hope. In a few moments, I think I shall head down to breakfast, which is served considerably later than what I am used to. I have waited even longer to let the masses clear out into the bar. Hopefully, when I go down, the dining area will be rather much emptier.
If not, a few well-placed glares should ensure at least a little privacy for my breakfast. Perhaps I can coax Zack into sitting with me a while.
-Sephiroth
--
16/04
2130
Some of the people here infuriate me. I knew that Cloud was not popular here, but I never expected such a degree of loathing as what I witnessed today.
That night in Midgar… I was on my way back to my quarters after a particularly gruelling session with Doctor Hojo. I was in quite some pain, and was almost upon the young man before I realised he was there. It was sheer instinct that made me hide my presence – I had no desire to speak to anyone.
He inadvertently revealed far more to me that night than I suppose he would ever have wanted to. I knew he was not well-liked at home, but after a time, I think I started chalking it up to his own inherent lack of self-esteem. It amazes me how he can constantly put himself and his skills down; how he himself is constantly amazed when he improves. He does not realise how skilled he is and most certainly does not realise how important he is to me.
Cloud is… a kind of precious gift, I think. I cannot be completely forsaken by the gods after all, if they have conspired to bring him into my life. He (despite what he might think) is intelligent, quick-witted and strong, physically and mentally. He seems to be lacking only in the emotional department, but that is something I cannot criticise him for without being a hypocrite.
In any case, coming here has opened my eyes to the fact that people can in fact not like him. I always knew it was possible, of course, especially after that incident, but it never fully registered with me. He always seemed resigned after that incident happened, but I did not think it was because he was used to it.
This time around, at least, they stopped short of physical violence. Cloud informed me that it was probably because of Zack's presence, rather than them actually thinking he could be on Soldier Third Class level. The general consensus amongst his greatest detractors, he says, is that he slept his way to his current position, and if that were the case, don't I think that he'd have asked to be Soldier First Class instead? I do not see how he can make a joke of this, but I suppose each person deals with such trials in different ways.
I personally would like to acquaint those brutes with Masamune. I shall, however, refrain, since Zack has been prohibited from going anywhere near them armed after he offered. I wish there was some way I could help along a few injuries without being personally involved. I know that Cloud is well-liked in his bunk, and the Soldiers Third Class have already begun to warm up to him. I think I must refrain from involving them, however. How then can I extract an appropriate revenge without it being known?
-Sephiroth
--
17/04
1900
Gloating is such an ugly thing to do, which explains why I waited till I gained the relative privacy of my room to do so.
The deed has been done, and it did not even require my interference. Those same boors who were insulting Cloud yesterday made the mistake of doing so once more – this time, within earshot of the two Soldiers Second Class we brought with us.
Needless to say, the latter two did not take well to their insulting Cloud, who has apparently become the baby of the Soldiers. Cloud's certainly the youngest Soldier by far, but we didn't think that would lead to just about all the Soldiers treating him like a younger brother. But with such treatment comes an inherent protectiveness, and therefore those young prats certainly received a rather harsh, painful lesson in manners.
Cloud had to pull Andrews and Michelson off them. I'm rather pleased with what happened. Naturally, the families of the louts complained, but I pointed out that there were a fair number of witnesses who agreed that the Soldiers were merely defending one of their own. That seemed to nip any more protests in the bud, but I nonetheless assured them that disciplinary action would be taken.
"Regardless of the outright hostility demonstrated towards one of our Soldiers, ShinRa does not allow its Soldiers to take matters into their own hands. Soldiers are expected to conduct themselves in a manner befitting their rank, and these two have flouted that. They will be punished appropriately, but I would like to request that you reign in those here who would attempt to hurt any of my men. Should the matter persist, I will be forced to step in personally," I believe is what I said. I do think the families got the point – and I may or may not have looked a little cold as I said that.
I believe Andrews and Michelson are a little alarmed at the prospect of what I will do to them. I have no intention of telling them that I'm not going to do anything at all. Let them stew for a while. I meant what I said, and Soldiers do have to live up to their image. While I am pleased that they took the initiative in defending Cloud's honour, I will not let their indiscretion while on duty slide.
So I suppose I will stop short of giving them a few days off, and instead, simply refrain from taking disciplinary action against them. But do you know – this saga and this anger I've felt towards those savages, have just about taken my mind off Doctor Hojo. It's the first time I've thought about him in two days. Remarkable, considering he is generally always in the back of my mind. Perhaps I am starting to break away from his hold?
-Sephiroth
--
17/04
2200
As the soldiers would say, I've jinxed myself. I find myself now thinking of Doctor Hojo, and how he raised me. As far as I can remember, Doctor Hojo has always been there, telling me that I will become the perfect Soldier. I remember the daily doses of injections and the pain they caused.
Even now, as I write this, I can see the needle-marks on my arm. If someone were to see me now, I am sure they would think I was addicted to drugs of some sort. My veins have been permanently disfigured by the sheer number of injections I have been subject to. The mako does not allow for injuries, and so I suffer no pain now. But I can still see the veins and the sickly shade of green they have been stained, standing stark on white skin.
I do not like looking at my arms. Zack has commented more than a few times on my propensity for long-sleeved shirts and coats, even on a hot day, even in our quarters. I will not tell him this one thing, though. I need some semblance of privacy, or I shall go mad.
Doctor Hojo certainly never gave me any. Everything about me was available for study. I should be thankful, I suppose, that he never viewed me in anything more than a purely scientific light. But I always hated the way he stripped me bare literally and figuratively. I always hated the way he needed to know every little thing I experienced. I hated the way he raised me to think nothing but the best of all of ShinRa, the way he always told me that I was nothing more than an excellent tool.
He told me once that my mother didn't know I existed. President ShinRa was there then, and he agreed, commenting idly that Jenova would not have wanted me to exist. Doctor Hojo laughed in that cruel fashion of his, and I am certain I missed something in that short byplay. But I played the good little puppet and kept my mouth shut even when the mako was burning in my veins.
I was told later on that Jenova was the name of my mother, but not to bother looking her up, for I would find no records. They were right. I wonder, though. Was my mother someone from the Slums? Perhaps someone who grew up on the streets? That would explain the lack of records. Am I the son of a prostitute, taken in because some cruel soul at ShinRa saw some invisible potential in me to become a good puppet?
I feel like a puppet controlling puppets. Is there such a thing as a puppet puppet-master? My poor Soldiers; if only they knew how I am told to view them.
I will not teach Cloud these things. I will teach him to value his men's lives. I will teach him to create strategies that protect his men and his city. I will teach him that people cannot be sacrificed easily, no matter what Shinra might say. And I will teach him to have the strength to back up these beliefs.
I would like to see my mother some day, and ask her why she abandoned me. Everything that Doctor Hojo has said leads me to believe she is still alive, and willingly gave me into ShinRa's ownership. I envy Cloud's relationship with his mother; they obviously care for each other and their love is quite apparent.
I wonder what it would have been like for me, growing up with the love of a mother? I used to want a mother with every fibre of my being. The vague, faceless creature of my dreams would be kind and good and gentle to me. But now… I do not think I could love my mother, after seeing how Cloud's mother treats him. I would be too resentful of what I have lost.
But can you lose something you never had? Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I would resent her for what she chose not to give to me.
Regardless of my feelings towards my mother, I now find myself wondering about my own origins. I cannot remember any life outside of ShinRa. I do know that Doctor Hojo mentioned someone named Gast on a few occasions, and not with any degree of fondness. Perhaps, rather than searching for Jenova, I should search for this Gast. If Doctor Hojo did not like him, it was probably because Gast knew something that he'd rather was kept private. Doctor Hojo is not the kind of person who cares what another thinks of him, and would not express such distaste for another without some similar reason.
When I return to Midgar, I shall search for any records of this mysterious Gast, then. Perhaps I will be able to uncover some of the mysteries surrounding my birth.
And as a note – the rain has become milder, and Zangan (who as it turns out is Tifa's martial arts teacher) says that the rain will stop fully by tomorrow. He is the local expert on the clime here, apparently, and the villagers all say we can trust his predictions. Zangan did add that the way up to the reactor is likely to be far more treacherous now. He also suggested that we leave Tifa behind this time around, since we were more or less familiar with the route.
I suppose he doesn't want to leave his prize pupil in a freak landslide, whereas it would be no skin of his back if Zack and I were to die. I don't think he's too fond of Soldiers, or ShinRa in general. I can't say I blame him.
-Sephiroth
--
18/04
2030
I am far too tempted to simply barricade myself in that room there and refuse to come out again until I understand exactly what Doctor Hojo was doing. I might have done so today, was more than willing to. The only reason I didn't was because it was Cloud on the other side of the door, pleading for me to come out and go back home.
How ironic that he calls it home, despite all this place has done to him. I asked him about it after dinner, and he replied that his home was where the people he cared about were. And so, he said, he had two homes; here in Nibelheim and one in Midgar, though the two seemed to have merged for now. That is an only slightly paraphrased quote, and the memory of the look on his face when he said that is burned into my head.
I think I worried Zack. I ought to apologise. He bothered to go down to the village to fetch Cloud. I don't even recall hearing him at the door.
I want to cry again. I've done it. I cried just two nights ago. The proof is here in this book. But I can't cry now, no matter how hard I try and bring myself to. I don't think I can feel anything now; I'm too confused. I expect I'll be furious later, when I have processed this.
Why would he do such a thing?
-Sephiroth
--
19/04
0015
I cannot sleep. What I discovered is imprinted in my brain, blazing far too brightly for me to sleep. They are words I do not think I will ever forget.
To pass the time, I shall reproduce some of what I discovered here, in the hopes of explaining my current state. I quote directly from the notes I found:
"Subject L has undergone severe weight loss, perhaps due to the phenomenal growth of the foetus. In two weeks it has reached the size that a normal baby would take a month to achieve.
Carrying the test is proving to be a strain on Subject L. She has been placed under intense surveillance and is being monitored for any changes – I am keeping an eye particularly on her heart rate and blood pressure. At this point in time, I do not foresee any complications, but as Subject L nears the end of her term, problems may arise with the foetus. If Subject L's life is placed in danger, I will be forced to kill the foetus."
I suspected upon reading that much, that that particular record was not kept by Doctor Hojo. True enough, the signature at the end of the report was that of one Professor Gast. And so the elusive Gast makes another appearance. At some point, I believe he abandoned this experiment with Subject L, at which moment Doctor Hojo took over.
The problem is that I think that the foetus in question is me. The Jenova Project was mentioned a few times. I do not believe it a coincidence that this project shares a name with my mother.
Further reading seemed to confirm the idea, though I have found nothing concrete as of yet. I must return there as soon as possible tomorrow, and continue my research. Zack tells me that there is something infinitely strange with the readings he's getting from the storage facilities, but there is no time to be bothered with that myself. I must simply trust that he can handle it on his own.
-Sephiroth
--
19/04
0350
I am leaving now. I simply cannot wait any longer. The desire to know the truth is burning at me; the knowledge that I might, here, find out something to do with my origin. I hesitate now to say that I was born, because I do not believe my creation to be something so simple. I want to find out exactly what manner of creature I am.
I have a tape recorder with me, to play back the undamaged tapes I've found. I will take this journal with me today as well, and record as faithfully as possible my findings. Perhaps chronicling them here will help me sort them out better.
-Sephiroth
--
19/04
1300
I struck him.
Without holding back in the slightest, I backhanded him across the face. There is already a huge bruise on his cheek, and we have no Materia on us for me to heal him.
What kind of monster have I turned into? Am I so focused on finding out what I am that I have turned into someone who could strike him?
He does not seem to care. I threw him halfway across my room, slammed him into the wall hard enough for the picture on it to fall off. And he simply got up after a moment, smiled at me dazedly, and repeated that he was coming with me.
I would say that he was insane, except that I know I am the insane one now.
-Sephiroth
--
How you can bother with dates and times I don't know. Is that your way of trying to force some semblance of order on your life? Or normality, maybe?
I don't hate you, Sephiroth; quite the contrary. I'm not exactly great with saying things like this in real life, you know that. I'm awkward and I say things I didn't plan on saying, and forget half of what I wanted to. Being social has never been my greatest skill, but this isn't about me.
You were upset by something, I know that much. Zack and I could tell you were furious about something or other, and I figured it was something that you'd found in that room. You scared Zack out of his mind, you know. He told me that he was banging on the door for a full hour and you never acknowledged him once. He acted calm when he came down to get me, so as not to worry anyone. But it took me almost as long as he did to get your attention, and then all you said was for us to leave. It was half an hour more before you came out of the room, and you looked so terrifyingly furious then.
We're worried for you, Sephiroth, hard as it may be for you to believe that. Maybe you don't want people to worry about you; maybe that's a liability with your position. But I think it's nice to have someone care about you, don't you? It's nice to be fussed over once in a while.
Evidently I make up for my lack of conversation skills by rambling too much on paper. Hope I get this done before you get back here and see what I'm doing, anyway. Oh, don't worry – I didn't read anything you wrote here, except the entry just before this. It was a bit hard to miss that, since it was open to that page and lying here on the table. Come to think of it, did you do that deliberately? Sometimes I think you have as hard a time with words as I do. Saying them out loud, at any rate, seems to be beyond me most of the time.
Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that it was obvious that whatever upset you, you found in this room. It was equally obvious to me that you wouldn't be able to get any sort of rest, and that you'd probably try to leave before Zack got up. I wasn't expecting you to leave so very early, but at least I caught you in time. I didn't want you to have to face this alone again. I don't know about you, but it makes me feel better to have someone I like with me when I'm going through something hard.
Well, I hope you like me, at any rate. I know I care about you.
I must say, given what we've found so far, I can sort of understand why you reacted the way you did. But you know, in your last entry there? You wrote that you're focused on finding out "what" you are. You're not a "what," Sephiroth. You're a "who." Whatever the experiments they conducted on you, you're still a person. You're still you, in your own right. You have human emotions, even if your body's been programmed to surpass human limits.
Maybe I'm reading too much into that, but I always thought that bothered you. Being constantly better than everyone at everything, I mean. Does it? Oh, you don't have to answer that if you don't want to. I'm not sure how you would, at any rate, unless you want to keep swapping this journal back and forth. And if you didn't, in fact, mean for me to find this, I'm sorry. But do take what I'm writing here into account, okay?
See, to put it nice and plain and simple? I care about you a great deal, more than just about anyone else. You asked me something earlier, right? "If a person knows only their mother's name, does not know their father and is loved by none, does that person exist?" I don't know, but it isn't applicable to you anyway, since the last part doesn't fit. Get that through your thick skull, General sir, or I will do it for you.
Cloud
--
"-ink you could – oh, I think it's on now."
"And it only took a few hours."
"Oh, be quiet. This thing's newer than any model I've seen before. And anyway you're the one who refused to use it and made me figure it out."
"Shall we proceed with the notes then?"
"You're just ignoring what I said – oh, never mind. How formal is this? Any format you want to stick to or anything?"
"Perhaps a slightly more informal way of looking at this might help. I… feel that perhaps I am taking this more seriously than I ought to?"
"Was that a question or a statement?"
"I'm not entirely sure."
"Statement, then. Er, you are, rather. I mean, I know you want to find out where you came from. But, I don't know… isn't finding out where you're going more important than that? There's that quote, uh, "Forget your past to create your future," or something like that."
"You made that up on the spot, didn't you?"
"No, really! I read it somewhere. Of course, I'm paraphrasing it a bit, but you get the idea."
"Indeed. So what have we found here then?"
"That there's something called the Jenova Project which you were apparently the subject of."
"Headed first by one Professor Gast and later taken over by Doctor Hojo."
"He's scary. Scared me the very first time I saw him."
"Did he?"
"Yeah, and all he was doing was walking down a corridor. I couldn't stand him at all. Ask mother, I know I wrote about it to her."
"I would rather refrain from having any conversations with your mother, Cloud."
"Why, what's wrong with her?"
"Nothing is wrong with her."
"Then… oh, forget it. So the idea behind this project, as far as we can tell from these crazy notes, was to inject Jenova cells into a foetus, right? And that foetus would absorb the cells and grow into… well, you, essentially. So what's this Jenova thing exactly? You were researching that, right?"
"As far as I can tell, Professor Gast believes it to be one of the Cetra. I read that much yesterday. I noticed a few hours ago, though, that he says it's only conjecture. He only mentioned it once; it would have been easy to miss, especially in the mood I was in yesterday. She intimidates me."
"Who, what? Wait, my mother?
"… Why on earth would my mother intimidate you?"
"Don't ask."
"But I'm curious now! You can't do this to me, you prat."
"Did you just call me a prat?"
"Well. Yes. Uh. Sorry?"
"Find another word to insult me with, Cloud. I think I referred to those animals who insulted you as prats once. I'd rather not be lumped in with them."
"But you just called them animals. And wait, when did you call them prats?"
"In the journal. I was trying to find as many words to describe them as I could."
"Oh, do tell."
"Well, I cannot remember off-hand what I've used. But I could say that they're brutes, prats, boors, louts, thugs, hooligans, oafs and many other such flattering terms. Stop laughing, Cloud."
"Yes, sir! You've just made my day, you know that?"
"After what I –"
"Don't even complete that sentence. I told you it's not your fault."
"Cloud…"
"… Oh. Sorry! I didn't realise I was so close. Er. Where were we?"
"The Jenova Project. Gast believed Jenova to be one of the Cetra. Cloud, you're blushing."
"Well, give me a few minutes and I'll stop. Shut it and pass me those notes."
"… You're still blushing."
"You're impossible."
"I do try."
"Um, Sephiroth?"
"Just trying to see better. You're hogging the notes a bit."
"Randomly, you know, your hair's really soft."
"It's always been that way. Maybe it's the mako."
"Oh yeah, I can see that. Advertisements plastered all over town – "Silky smooth in just one treatment! Even General Sephiroth uses it! Come get your mako shampoo today!" And they'd have a blown-up poster of you with suds in your hair and half-naked."
"I didn't need that mental image, Cloud."
"You'd rather I described the mako soap ad? They'd have you completely naked in that one."
"Assuming I didn't cut their heads off."
"Well, there is that. Rather efficient deterrent to taking a good photo, I suppose. And even if you did, the photographers would be too busy drooling to actually take photos."
"Cloud."
"Right, work. This says here that Jenova's believed to have certain powers that enabled her to communicate with the Lifestream – oh, and now we know why ShinRa's involved."
"We do indeed."
"Anything that involves the Lifestream they just go ahead and –"
"You should probably stop there, Cloud."
"Sorry."
"Don't apologise to me, of all people. Look at this part."
"Oh… they were trying to create another Cetra. I guess that's what you are then?"
"Assuming Jenova is a Cetra."
"Okay, we really need to find out what a Cetra is in the first place."
"This must be why they told me my mother's name was Jenova, I suppose."
"Is that what they said?"
"Mm. It's all I knew of her. Except she's not really a "her," is she?"
"I don't know if it's a she, he or it, but Gast refers to Jenova as female a few times. Might as well stick to that. You know, it says here that Jenova was kept in storage somewhere in this mako reactor. If they didn't move it –"
"Might explain the strange readings that Zack's been getting from Sector S2. That's where excess mako is generally stored."
"She might be there."
"Let her stay there. I don't have any need for such a mother."
"Mm, don't move now, I was just getting comfortable."
"I'm not a pillow, Cloud."
"You're comfortable enough. Just let me borrow your shoulder."
"Tired?"
"A little."
"You shouldn't have come with me."
"Let's not get into this again."
"As you wish. Thank you, Cloud. Wait, is that thing still on?"
"I think it is. Hey, I have proof of you being nice now! On tape! And I – ack, Sephiroth, where're you – no, don't you dare erase tha–"
--
19/04
2000
I must admit to a rather interesting day today. I transcribed our tape as best as I could, and stuck to the original speech despite everything. I feel rather more light-hearted now than I have been in a long time. Cloud is either a very good or a very bad influence on me. I'm leaning towards the former.
I could easily love him, I think.
-Sephiroth
--
20/04
2030
Cloud offered once more to help me with my personal research, but I decided that I have neglected Zack quite enough. I helped him with his checks today, and he's explained the anomalies he's found to me. I was able to see Jenova today, when we entered the storage facilities. There's a huge plaque on this one canister with her name on it. It's funny how little I feel now, thinking of her. I used to want a mother so badly, but I find myself not even thinking of her as one.
We've rectified the anomalies, at any rate. There are only two more checks to be run, and then we'll technically be able to leave. I might have them stay here a day more, perhaps. I need the vacation, as much as I hate abusing my power. And I don't particularly want to see Doctor Hojo again. I expect the first thing he'll do is give me a mako injection. I wonder if those injections were designed to prolong the effects of what he did to me before. It's a possibility, I suppose.
I did apologise to Zack, and he's assured me that I wasn't at fault. Everyone seems insistent on that. Even Mrs Strife didn't think it was my fault. Earlier, I went down and apologised to her for striking Cloud – I don't think he told her who'd hit him. She looked surprised that it was me; maybe she'd expected one of those braggarts from before to have gotten in a lucky strike or something. Heaven knows they'd stand no chance in a fair fight, or even a dirty fight.
All she asked me was if I'd apologised to Cloud. I told her that I had, and that he rather wanted me to shut up about it, at which she laughed and said that Cloud was just that kind of person. He knew when an apology was warranted, but once he got it, he didn't want to dwell on it. I suppose I have noticed that about him, when others apologised to him for various things; I've just never been the one to apologise before. And certainly never for violence directed towards him.
I still feel guilty about what I did, but I cannot think of any ways to make amends. Mrs Strife assures me that there is no need to, but I would still like to do something for him. Perhaps a gift of some sort, when we get back to Midgar. I thought I had better control of myself; evidently I don't.
Despite everything, I suppose Cloud and I must do more research tomorrow. I'm curious as to what this "Cetra" that was mentioned is.
-Sephiroth
--
"So we're doing this again, evidently, despite the last time not being very coherent."
"It was fun enough. It's on now, by the way."
"So I gathered. Would you like to begin this then?"
"If you insist, sir. We should probably sum up what we've found out about the Cetra today, right? And mother's making beef stew for dinner, so let's not be late."
"If you insist, sir. The Ce –"
"Now you're just throwing my words back at me."
"Not at all."
"You know how weird it is for you to call me sir?"
"I should take it that you've never thought of that then?"
"Sephiroth, there isn't any position higher than yours."
"I didn't mean in the military, Cloud."
"What – you know what, we're not going there. The Cetra, as far as we can tell, are people who used to live a couple of thousand years ago. They adhered to a particular lifestyle and were particularly attuned to the Lifestream and were able to guide its flow in some instances. Um, they went extinct some two thousand years back because of uh, a "calamity from the skies," whatever that is. It says here that the humans betrayed the Cetra by not offering aid. And um, evidently ShinRa has some sort of interest in the Cetra. Not surprising, since they're supposed to be able to control the Lifestream, and ShinRa's obviously concerned with the use of the Lifestream. Uh, I think… mm… that's it, is it?"
"I believe you've about summed it up, sir."
"Sephiroth!"
"Yes?"
"You're impossible!"
"So you've told me. You were rambling, you know."
"Shut up."
"And now you're blushing."
"Are you just listing what I'm doing for the tape recorder?"
"For posterity's sake, of course."
"You are cruel to me, Sephiroth."
"Oh no, the sad eyes are cheating!"
"You don't care about me, do you?"
"That… is not fair. A male your age should not be able to pull off that look, dammit."
"Uh, Sephiroth? Cloud?"
"Zack! Hi!"
"Am I… interrupting anything?"
"A brilliantly detailed analysis of the Cetra and me getting the upper-hand over Sephiroth, but nothing much else."
"You forgot that other thing, sir.'"
"Shut it, Sephiroth."
"Yes, sir."
"You know, I don't think I'm even gonna ask. I've finished the checks, Sephiroth. Now we know what's back there, I've managed to compensate for all the anomalies. Everything's running fine. Well, except for those things back in storage. Damn, those were freaky."
"What were they like?"
"Let's just say I didn't sleep well last night, yeah?"
"That bad?"
"He's exaggerating."
"Oh! Nice to see you've finally found each other!"
"What are you talking about, Zack?"
"Er, in case you hadn't noticed, Sephiroth? You're holding Cloud's hand… okay, so now you're not. You really ought to, y'know."
"Out, Zack."
"Heh. See you later, kid!"
"Out!"
"What… was he talking about?"
"Nothing of importance."
"It was."
"Not at all. Would you gather up those notes? I think we're done here for today."
"I'll find out sooner or later, you know."
"Later rather than sooner, then. Shut off that tape, will you?"
"You only do this so you can play back our conversations when you're bored, right?"
"Ah, so you've seen through me, have you?"
--
"Cloud is not here now, so perhaps I will be able to get more done than we usually do. We discovered yesterday that the humans of two thousand years ago betrayed the Cetra and abandoned them to their fate, allowing them to be destroyed by the "calamity from the skies." It is rather unclear at the moment as to what this calamity refers to. It appears that most, if not all of the Cetra, were killed by this incident.
"I suppose as one of these supposed Cetra, I should be rather resentful about the humans abandoning my race. Since Cloud is one of said humans, however, I find I cannot. It is rather alarming how my world seems to revolve arou –"
"I brought lunch! Oh, back to the tape recorder, are we?"
"Y-es."
"You okay? Did I actually manage to startle you?"
"Think what you will, Cloud."
"If you insist! Found out anything?"
"Not much new. I think the old me wouldn't have handled just this much well."
"As opposed to the new you, who…?"
"Has you by his side."
"… Ah."
"I don't think I'd be as stable now if I didn't know you, Cloud. And that's saying something, considering my current state."
"Not very stable?"
"Not entirely, no. You seem to alleviate some of that, though."
"Some of what?"
"Longing? I'm not sure."
"We seem to be having awfully serious conversations lately."
"Maybe we're just awfully serious people."
"Zack won't hang out with us anymore then."
"And yet he still does. There must be hope for us yet."
"Or trauma. This is Zack we're talking about."
"Cloud? I have a bit of an odd request."
"Go ahead and request. I'm allowed to turn you down, right?"
"Of course. Would you hold me?"
"Well, that is odd, yes. But not something I'm inclined to turn down. This okay?"
"It's fine."
"You've never had anyone do this, right?"
"Be physically close to me? Show any sort of affection? No. Or not before the first time you hugged me, at any rate."
"I really don't like Doctor Hojo."
"President Shinra was the one who ordered him to keep me isolated."
"Doctor Hojo was the one who carried it out. I bet he was only too happy to. Shinra's – no wait, I shouldn't be saying this."
"Cloud."
"Hm?"
"Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"Let's amend that to, "thank you, but don't mess up the hair.""
"Fussy. Your hair's so soft."
"We've been through this, mako shampoo ads and all."
"Well, if my hair mysteriously starts getting softer after I get my first injections, we'll know for sure."
"I wish you didn't have to. It's not a pleasant experience, especially if you're sensitive."
"The prelim exams said I am. I'm not exactly looking forward to them."
"If there was some way to get Doctor Hojo out –"
"Sephiroth."
"I ought to stop there, then."
"Not that I don't agree."
"Want to explore this mansion a little more, Cloud?"
"Well, that came out of nowhere."
"I'm tired of just sitting here all the time. And I'm sick of reading about the Cetra and about Jenova and about me, except I'm Specimen S on these papers."
"That part's rather annoying, yes. I think they only mentioned you by name once."
"That I've come across, anyway. Up for some exploration?"
"That would involve moving."
"And untangling your fingers from my hair, yes."
"Mother said you apologised to her."
"… Ah."
"You need to let it go, Seraph."
"Seraph?"
"It fits you. Unless you'd rather I call you Angel, which is what next comes to mind."
"Seraph is fine."
"I thought it would be. Don't try and change the topic. You need to let go of it. Zack managed to find a Healing Materia anyway, so I'm fine now."
"That's not the point."
"So then what is?"
"That I hit you!"
"You were frustrated and scared and angry! I can understand why you did it. You shouldn't have, but the important thing is that you apologised immediately, that you helped me up and put some cream on for me and everything. It'd only have been wrong if you'd liked hitting me, or if you'd kept on with it. But you realised it was wrong straight away, and that makes it okay."
"No. No, it doesn't. It can't possibly be okay that I hurt you, Cloud."
"Why not? I'm not hurt anymore. I'm tougher than that, Sephiroth."
"Any harder and you'd have had a concussion!"
"Why are you so worried about me? Don't you think I can take care of myself? Or what, you think I'm just a weakling?"
"Of course you're not, but I can't help worrying about someone I love!"
"… You finally said it."
"… I didn't intend to."
"Well, don't you dare take it back."
"Cloud, I –"
"Is that tape recorder still on?"
"… Shit!"
--
22/04
2100
I feel utterly humiliated, and yet oddly exhilarated. I didn't even realise at the time that Cloud was wonderfully manipulating me into admitting I love him. He ought to become a politician; perhaps he can replace President Shinra one day. That would be a good day for all of us.
Cloud told me that he was informing his mother. I dread her reaction. And yet, stepping back, it is almost amusing how terrified the great General Sephiroth is at the thought of meeting an elderly woman.
Zack is busy laughing at me because I told him that. He's been forced to sit in the corner of the room while I write this, but that doesn't stop him smirking at me.
Earlier, I transcribed our conversation, despite still being rather embarrassed by it. I'm certainly going to be keeping a copy in my quarters; of the tape and transcript. If nothing else, it proves I'm fully capable of human emotions. It proves I'm human, and it proves I love Cloud and that he loves me, which is a better balm to my wounded pride than anything else.
Cloud did kiss me once before we left the mansion. I'm rather looking forward to the next time, and sincerely hoping he's never practised on anyone else before. I'd like not to be the inexperienced one in this – but it involves feelings, so of course I am. I shall simply have to muddle along somehow. It's a rather delightful feeling, not knowing what's going to come next. And knowing it's Cloud that this is happening with just makes it all the sweeter.
Zack informs me I'm smiling to myself. No matter. I'm happy enough to let some emotion spill out, I suppose. I'll have to get myself under control before we return to Midgar – which happens tomorrow. I'd have liked to stay longer, but I can't justify any more delays.
Now, I will excuse myself so that I can go kick my errant second-in-command.
-Sephiroth
--
23/04
1730
And a last extra note here, because I must. Mrs Strife accosted me early this morning and dragged me off to a quiet corner, where she proceeded to inform me that nothing could make her happier, as long as I treat her son with grave respect and provide him with the love he clearly deserves and use protection. At which, I'll confess, I gaped rather ungracefully at her; I hadn't even thought that far. I knew there was a reason she struck me as a formidable person.
It seems she's unofficially adopted me into the family. If there's anyone I could ever have for a mother – she would be that person. It's nice to have a mother at last, and even better to have Cloud.
-Sephiroth
-tsuzuku
Constructive criticism is very much desired. It's supremely hard to get into Sephiroth's mind, he's such a… seme. The only thing that enabled me to was the fact that he's an angsty seme. I'm not entirely looking forward to the next part, it'll be even harder to write. Meh.