So I'm sorry for the incrediblly ungodly lateness of this chapter. I feel bad. Even though I have a new chapter up on it. So you all can be happy. hah. Not likely I bet. Anyway. I hope you enjoy it. Read and Review. Thanks for commenting the other chapters when I didn't have any inspiration. I just pulled myself outta the gutter and made this chapter. It's a little profound. But oh well. lol I hope it doesn't get deleted. My bad. lol.

-JakLover

But for all you people out there who have wondered what has happened to my beloved Crocodog, heres the story behind it all.

PUTTING THE CROCODOG OUT

It was nearly eleven-thirty, and I had just put the Crocodog out. But it hadn't been easy. He had burned more fiercely than I anticipated.

The poor thing had caught fire earlier in the evening when, in an effort to test his reflexes. I had thrown his favorite toy metalhead into the fireplace, and instinctively he raced after it.

"WHOOOOOOOM!!!" you might say.

At first, I let him burn awhile just to teach him a lesson, and to peel off a couple layers of the mud, mange and matted hair which seemed lately, sadly, to have robbed him of a step or two. But I must admit I was also quite fascinated by the many spectacular colors he began to glow with. Colors, no doubt, owed in part to the countless hours he spent killing time in the toxic dump next door. It was quite a show. In fact, I saw several pyrotechnic effects I dare to say have not been witnessed since the Baron's Palace exploded during the Bicentennial.

Then, as the canine conflagration began to burn itself out and I could see the clear, stark outline of his hairless body, he began to emit a dense cloud of smoke, along with some other gaseous substance which I can only describe as "dog steam". Acting quickly, I covered him with several cheap sweaters Keira had bought me that no longer fit and pounded him gently, although not without anger, for just over an hour, or until the smoke died down and he stopped his by then bothersome screeching.

At that point, energized, apparently, by a sudden burst of pain and fear, he leapt several feet into the air, went stiff and spead-eagled and began to spin violently, giving off an ominous low-fequency hum and circled the cieling fan in an elliptical orbit. He circled for the better part of an hour. Finally, exhausted, or, I thought, maybe dead, he suddently went limp, his orbit decayedand he smashed into an eighteenth-century breakfont, landing heavily on the floor. For three days he lay motionless. When finally he awoke, I opened a can of Bits O' Baron and fed him by hands.

I can tell you this: Althought he looked quite unusual, and smelled godawful, I was glad I could be there for him when he needed me.

GOOD CHEER

4 Years ago, two lovely girls in Spargus City were kind enough to perform this battle cheer for me, and in Daxter's radio station I used it as a interesting sign-off when I was replacing Daxter for a few days. In fact, I found it to be a big crowd pleaser at weddings, baptisms and first communions, as wll Here it is.

Chant it in good health:

Rat shit! Bat Shit!

Dirty ol' twat!

Sixty-nine assholes

Tied in a knot!

Hooray!

Lizard shit!

Fuck!

Let's go over that again, this time with a few comments:

Rat shit! Bat shit!

(How nice to begin with a reference to nature.)

Dirty ol' twat!

(A perfectly normal sprts reference, as far as I'm concerned.)

Sixty-nine assholes

Tied in a knot!

(No, I don't know what that means, either.)

Hooray!

(There's the cheer part.)

Lizard shit!

(Back to nature once again.)

Fuck!

(And we end on an uplifting note.)

Now here's the happy postscript: About ten years later, I met a guy named Errol who gave me the second verse to the cheer. I hope those Spargus girls will see this and accept it as my way of saying thanks:

Eat, bite, fuck, suck!

Nibble, gobble, chew!

Finger fuck! Hair pie!

Dick, cunt, screw!

Hooray!

Bat fuck!

Blow me!

Let's go over that again.

Eat, bite, fuck, suck!

(Once again, off to an excellent start.)

Nibble, gobble, chew!

(I notice verbs are more prominent this time.)

Finger fuck! Hair pie!

Dick, cunt, screw!

(More good sports references)

Hooray!

(Can't have a cheer without it.)

Bat fuck!

(Truly an interesting thought.)

Blow me!

(Once again, ending on an uplifting note.)

Cheers!

KEEPIN' IT REAL IN THE RING

Another area of speech that could benefit from a bit more realism would be those announcements that are made just before a boxing match in the Hip Hog Heaven Saloon:

"Ladies and gentlemen, the main event of the evening: twelve rounds of heavyweight boxing. In this corner, from Cornhole, Spargus, wighing two hundred pounds and wearing solid white trunks, an utter and complete loser who is wanted in six state for crimes against the animal kingdom. Considered a complete scumbag by his family, he once fucked his sister at a church picnic and forced her to walk home alone. Also, on at least four occasions he has taken out his dick at the circus and waved it at the trapeze lady. Here is, He-e-e-n-r-y-y Gonz-a-a-a-lez!"

"In the other corner, wearing a pair of lame, out-of-style zebra-skin shorts that he found on th street, from Sweatband, Haven, an unattractive and disturbed young man who, by court order, is not permitted to be alone for more than two minutes at a time. In and out of the finest sixteen Haven City mental institutions over the years, he is a dangerous sociopath who once killed a nun for blocking his view. He has been legally barred from more than fifteen hundred bars in the Haven City area, and recently, while visiting a supermarket, he forced a fat woman to blow him in the meat section. Here he is, Ma-a-a-tty Mu-u-u-urphy-y-y!"

The fighters move out to the center of the ring to have the boxing rules recited to them.

"All right, boys, you know the rules: No biting, scratching, clawing or tripping. No yanking dicks. No grabbing the other guy's testicles and snapping them up and down. No using a small screwdriver to punch holes in the other guy's neck during clinches. And if your gonna call the other guy's mother a diseased, two-dollar whore, please, in the interest of accuracy, use her full name.

JakLover: Hope you all liked it. Do comment, give me some ideas or something. My attention span is crappying out again.

More to come. But don't get your hopes up. Not anytime soon.

Luv Ya'll.