Sorry I havn't uploaded more chapters on Warriors: Shadow and Light anytime soon. I'm working on chapter 3...or 4...whichever one it is. But THIS story came to me at 2 AM in the morning when I was on the phone with my friend Kayti, she was talking about smokers and how she hated the government and stuff like that. It was funny, so I wrote THIS. Basicly this story is Jak's opinions about Haven City's smokers and traffic accidents. I read it to Kayti that day after I wrote it, she was laughing her ass off. But yeah, Read and Reiew

JakLover

.Jak's Opinions on Traffic Accidents in Haven City.

Hello people, as all my friends know, I've saved this planet more than just a few times, I'm a hero, yes. So I'm living up to one of my attributes and going to complain...about Haven City. Heres an example of a problem Haven has come acrossed...'THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOKING.'...Now, speaking strictly for myself, I find nothing wrong with the phrase 'NO SMOKING'. It's simple, it's direct, it's firm. No smoking! Any questions? Fine.

But 'Thank You For Not Smoking'. First of all, it's weak. And second, for Mar's sake, why are you thanking them? It's as if you think they're doing you a favor by not giving you emphysema. Personally, ifI were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like,

"Smoke if you wish. But if you do, be prepared for the following series of events: First, we will confinscate your cigarette and extinguish it somewhere on the surface of your skin. We will then run your nicotine-stained fingers through a paper shredder and throw them into the street, where rabid dogs will swallow and then regurgitate them into the sewers, so that infected rats can further soil them before they're flushed out to sea with the rest of the city's filth. After such time, we will systematically seek out your friends and loved ones and destroy their lives."

Wouldn't you like to see a sign like that? I'll bet a lot of smokers would think twice about lighting up near a sign like that. You have to be direct. Thank you for not smoking in simply embarrassing. Personally, I think all of this upgraded, feel-good langauge is a further sign of Haven's increasing uncertainty about itself... Now onto another topic:

TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS:

Never Hang Around

I don't often write about my own experiences; it's not my style. But I had a recent incident ona Zoomer that I'd like to tell you about, And before I begin, there are a couple things you ought to know about me: I drive kind of recklessly, I take alot of chances, I never maintain my Zoomers. I don't believe in the traffic laws. And so, because of these practices, I tend to have what a picky person would probably refer to as alot of accidents.

And wouldn't you know last week I hit a yakkow.

Or, possibly, I ran over a very large man wearing a yakkowskin coat. I'm not sure, really, because I didn't stop. That's another rule of mine: I never stop when I have a accident. Do you? No. You can't. Who has time? Not me.

If I hit something, or run something over, I keep moving! Especially if I've injured someone. I refuse to involve myself in other's people's injuries. I'm not a doctor, I've had no medical training; I'm just another guy, out, driving around looking for a little fun! And I can't be stopping for everything!.

Listen, folks. Let's be logical about it. Lets say you wereflying in your Zoomer and you stop at the scene of an accident, all you do is add to the confusion. These people you ran over have enough troubles of their own without you stopping and making things worse.

Think about it - they've just been involved in a major traffic accident! Thelast thing they need is for you to stop, get out of your Zoomer, go over to the wreckage and start bothering them with stupid questions: "Are you hurt?"

Well, of course they're hurt. Look at all the blood! You just hit them with a ton and a half of steel- of course they're hurt! Leave these people alone. Havn't you done enough? For once in your life do a decent thing - don't get involved. Look at it this way, it's none of your business in the first place; the whole thing took placeoutside your zoomer. Legally speaking, these people were not even on your property at the time you ran them over. They were standing in the street; that's city property. You aren't responsible! If they don't like it, let 'em sue Baron Praxis!...And besides, the whole thing is over now; it happenedback there, behind you! For Mar's sake, stop living in the past. Do yourself a favor, count your blessings, be glad it wasn't you. As it is, there's probably a substantial dent in your fender. So be satisfied, my friend, you got off easy. And I'll give you a truely practical reasonnot to stop. If youdo stop, sooner or later the KG are going to show up. Is that what you want? To waste evenmore of your time, standing around with a bunch of worthless civil servants, filling out forms, answering a lot of foolish questions...lying to the authorities. And one more thing: Didn't anyone ELSE see this accident? Are you the only one who can provide information? Surely the people who you ran over caught a glimpse of it at the last moment. So, letthem tell police what happened. They certainly had a better view of it than you did...Theres just no sense in having two conflicting stories floating around about the same dumb-ass traffic accident. Things are bad enough: People are dead, families have been destroyed, it's time to GET MOVING! Chances are you're late for dinner as it is...

Now, folks. There are two sides to this. Helping people by leaving them alone when they're injured is one thing, that's my altruistic side; people need to be self-reliant, and I want to do what I can to foster that. But it's to often hard for me to drive away from a nice fiery accident scene, because I have a self-indulgent side, and that needs to be honored too.

And so, on the other hand, if I'm out flying, enjoying a lovely day, and Isee a traffic accident-one I'm not involved in-I stop immediately! I wanna get a good look at what's goin' on. I enjoy that sort of thing. If people are injured, I wanna take a look! I am like a fly drawn to a Bug-Zapper light.

Of course, the KG don't like that. They say you're rubbernecking and blocking traffic, I tell em':

"Never mind that rubberneckin' shit, I wanna take a look!"

My Philosophy: I'm never too busy that I can't stop to enjoy someone else's suffering. I'm looking for a little entertainment. To me, traffic accidents are more than one form of entertainment.

You want to hear my dream accident? Two KG Cruisers full of gaurds and a chicken truck gettin' hit by a circus train in front of the bazzar. ENTERTAINMENT! I'm lookin' for an antique lamp stickin' out of a Gaurd's ass. If I'm gonna take the time to stop, I expect a couple of fuckin' laughs.

And if the traffic situation is such that I can't quite see what's going on-can't get a good enough look-I'm not the least bit shy about asking the KG to bring the bodies over a little closer to the Zoomer.

"Pardon me, Officer. Would you guys mind dragging that twisted-looking chap over here a little closer to the Zoomer? My girlfriend has never seen anyone shaped quite like that. Look at that, Hun! Those are his testicles hanging from the rearview mirror. Thank you, Officer, that will be all now, you can throw him back into the pile. We'll be moving along."

And off we go, out into the City looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed zoomer loaded with elven cadavers will explode in front of the Stadium.

One can only dream and hope.

(pauses and waits for readers reaction) Umm...yeah..Did you like it? The was my full-fledged attempt at humor. I hope it was funny. I'm not going to add to this...but then again...Maybe I will...Woooo, you'll never know now!. Wooohooo!

R&R

Luv Ya'll

JakLover