"What is going on out there?" Cordelia asked, her ear pressed to the door. "I can't hear anything?"

"Move, please." Greg said, trying to move out the door.

"Look I don't…"

"She's my cousin, if anything is wrong I have to know. Move!" Cordelia put her hands up stepping backwards. "Thank you, Cordelia."

"That was rude!" Cordelia muttered.

"Cordy, he's worried about her, we all are." Wesley said, looking over at the brooding Angel.

"Lizzy, where'd Xander go?" Greg said coming into the lobby.

"Buffy left a few minutes ago."

"Oh, did she say were she was headed?"

"She didn't say where, in fact she didn't say anything." Willow said.

"I'll go look for her."

"Greg, I… I'm sorry, if I'd know where she was I wouldn't have done this."

"I've nothing to forgive you. I would have done the same thing, if I'd known." Greg said walking out the door. "I would have done the same thing."

The streets were crowded, as she pushed through. She kept her head down. Pushing the door open, Buffy walked to a booth near the window. She sat looking out, missing the waitress' greeting at first.

"Ma'am, can I get you something." The young girl repeated.

"Coffee, coffee would be nice." Buffy told her, and the girl left.

"That there cemetery is always driving customers away." The girl said, returning with a cup of coffee. "Don't worry; nothing there can hurt you."

"I'm not sure about that." Buffy told the girl, "I like the view though. Puts life in focus doesn't it?"

"I guess."

"Mind if I join you?"

"Can I get you anything, sir?"

"No, thank you."

"I didn't think you'd come looking for me."

"Why?"

"The last time we spoke wasn't exactly our best conversation."

"You were stressed; worried about your problem and the body swap…"

"No, I mean before. When we talked about Dawn and Glory at Mom's funeral, I said a lot of things I probably shouldn't have. You were thinking like a Watcher, and I couldn't…can't. I'm more impulse that actual thought."

"Lizzy there was never a time I doubted you. You may be a Slayer but you do have Watcher genes, you know, you think more like one than you want to. You do think things through; you never could have lived without Dawn."

"I used to though. There were real Slayer years when I knew I was pushing Mom away and I made it through." Buffy said with a bitter laugh putting her coffee down. "I push people away, it's my thing."

"Not every is willing to get pushed away."

"Like who? Who hasn't left me, Greg?"

"You friends, Aunt Joyce, that boyfriend of yours that you used to talk so much about, the Grandparents, and me. I never left you, Lizzy."

"You went to England, left the country. My Mom and Dawn and the Gang they let me push them away. When I went all Slayer, they didn't notice. When I smiled through my tears, they never stopped to ask what was wrong. Giles has done things that I'm not sure I can forgive, I know that is part of being a Watcher but I hate it. I can't trust him like I used to."

"Well, what about your boyfriends?"

Buffy burst out laughing, "They all stick around. Angel went evil on me, then left. Riley, he couldn't take the Slayer-ness of me. I shut down, emotionally, sometimes when the end is super near. He couldn't deal with that. Also I was a mess from the Angel thing."

"Joyce worried about you, but she never thought that you didn't love her or Dawn. She loved you, and she never wanted to push you away. Dawn looks at you like you could do no wrong, you're her hero."

"That is the worst feeling in the world. You know, after Mom got the tumor, all I could think is it was Dawn's fault Mom was dieing. Those monks poked around in Mom's head, putting memories of Dawn in for all those years. Then I realized Dawn didn't hurt Mom, I did. If I wasn't a Slayer, Dawn would have never been put in our lives. Mom never would have gotten sick and she would still be here."

"You can't know that!"

"Can't I! I'm the reason she died, I knew I would kill the people I love: Death is my gift."

"Lizzy, you saved the world more times that anyone can count, death is not you gift."

"Yeah, I can save everyone but the people I care about. Celia was killed by a demon and I couldn't save her, I sent Angel to Hell, Mom is dead, I should be dead a few times now."

"I think you need to let it go. You saved the world and you were rewarded, but they didn't know that. They tried to save you and now they don't want to wish you were dead, but they regret what they did. Forgiveness, compassion, understanding used to be your gifts, but I guess you're right now death is you're only gift. You're killing your self with all of this hatred." Greg stood and began to leave, when Buffy grabbed his arm.

"Where do you get off saying that to me?"

"Look out that window; see that cemetery you belong there slaying because you're sure not Lizzy anymore."

"Greg!" Buffy called after him, but he never even looked back.

"Greg! You look horrible, what happened?"

"Not sure you'd believe me Tab."

"I'm a Watcher, how unbelievable can it be."

"I went to see my cousin"

"That doesn't sound too horrible."

"We had a fight."

"Still not the end of the world."

"No but she's stopped the end of the world, a few times."

"Greg, English please!"

"That girl, Lizzy, she's my cousin. She needed help, so I went. Only problem, after we solved that problem she left. I went to find her, and we got in a fight. I basically told her to go to Hell."

"Look, I know family fights are tough but…"

"Lizzy lives in Sunnydale."

"Sunnydale…Sunnydale…why does that sound familiar."

"The Slayer lives there."

"Oh that's it! You were always up on you current events more than I was. I mean who cares where the Slayer lives, just as long as she fights the demons."

"Lizzy is the Slayer."

"No, sweetie, the Slayer's name is Buffy."

"Me and Celia, my sister, we called Buffy Lizzy. It turned out to be useful. While I was at the academy, if L…Buffy needed anything she'd call. I'd talk to Lizzy; the Watchers assumed a sister, a girlfriend, whatever didn't matter. Lizzy got her information and I knew she was still alive." Greg turned looking at the door. Someone had knocked. "You expecting anyone?"

"No."

Greg swung open the door, ready for a fight.

"I'm sorry, you're right, I was being an ass." Buffy rushed out before he could slam the door shut.

"What are you doing?"

"Apologizing, I don't do it often so listen. I said things that I shouldn't have, and I'm sorry. I lost myself at some point and I'm pretty sure it happened before I threw myself off the tower. I knew going into every fight that not everyone would come out alive. I've known that since I lost Watcher One. But I wasn't supposed to lose people outside of battle." She stopped, looking down. "They were supposed to be safe, as long as they weren't in the fight. So when Mom died, I put her in the fight."

"What?" Greg asked confused, "How did you put her in the fight."

"The monks messed with our heads, which put her in the fight. It was a battle wound that killed her. So then whose fault was the wound? I couldn't blame Mom, not even in the beginning. Dawn? That was easy, she wasn't my sister; she was a ball of energy. A ball of energy is hateable. Then it became clearer she was my sister, her origins didn't matter. Hating family is harder, especially when they could be lost at any time. So then I realized, 'You're the leader, you should have saved her.' That is when I started letting go, really letting go. If I let my mother die of a battle wound, who would I save? And it struck me Dawn would die, I would die, the whole world would die, because I couldn't save them. I still fought, I just half assed it. Then, it started to happen, Dawn got taken. I knew I failed her, so I shut down. It's hard to feel if you can go numb. My friends made me fight. We drew up a plan, which involved me killing anyone who tried to hurt Dawn. The ritual started, and I jumped." Tears were running down her face as Greg pulled her into a hug. "I jumped. I died. I went to Heaven. Now I'm alive in Hell, but I'm trying to be better; to feel better. Help me?"

"Always, Lizzy, always.

AN- Sorry!! But look it's up now, right? Forgive me??