Author's note: -curtsies- Thank you for the reviews. :D –hugs all of you till you black and blue all over-. ;P Can't believe my brief nuttiness disorder had actually made me do this. I usually write more serious fics, you know.
And yes, though I did mention about this fic being book based, you'll see some familiar lines and character(s) from the movie in this chapter (couldn't help it). Enjoy the outcome of my brief nuttiness disorder while it lasts. XD
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe Characters' Answering Machines
Old Professor Digory Kirke
Hullo, this is Professor Kirke. You know what to do next. For the love of God, Polly, I'm saying this right and now. I did wash my face. Humph. Do you know that you're the reason why I never got married? Nag, nag, nag … er, I beg your pardon, caller … -woman's muffled laughter in the background- Honestly! Beep!
Mrs Macready
Let me try this again, professor, shall I? –clears throat- NO sliding down the banister! NO smudging the carpet! Er – is that right? Well … NO touching the historical artefacts! –shrieks- DO NOT touch the telephone, professor! How many times do I have to tell you that you must wash your face? –voice falters- Is this answering machine on? –Professor Kirke's voice came indistinctly- Yes, it is! Beep!
Jadis
Oh hello you nasty little lowly creatures. Time has changed and so am I. –cackles- Oh, by the way, if anyone of you knows anything about the Deeper Magic from Before the Dawn of Time, please … share. Or I'll turn you into stone. Turkish Delight anyone? I know, boy, I know you can't resist … –cackles endlessly- Beep!
Aslan
-purrs- Peace, dear ones. If you're Edmund Pevensie, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT make Turkish Delight as your favourite. Try FISH CURRY (which is spicy and HOT), I bet Jadis doesn't have those. Good day. Beep!
Peter Pevensie
Hello. My name is Peter Pevensie and I'm from Finchley and certainly not a hero. Leave your message after the beep –Music Inspired by the Chronicles of Narnia Hero (the chorus part) comes in the background- STOP IT! I'm not a hero, I repeat, I'm not a hero! Don't push it! –Edmund's vague voice comes- That's Aslan, you humungous head for a brother! CRASH. Beep!
Susan Pevensie
Hello! I believe you have reached Miss Susan Pevensie's answering machine! You know – the logical one in the family! I have only one advice for you: Do NOT play hide-and-seek and three cheers for those who know the meaning of gastro vascular. Well, have a nice day. Beep!
Edmund Pevensie
Thud! Er … hello, this is Edmund Pevensie. If you're Aslan, Turkish Delight is not my favourite, honest! –Mrs Pevensie's voice comes vaguely in the background- Dear, you've left some Turkish Delights! –Edmund groans- Darn it. How to delete this? SUSAN! Beep!
Lucy Pevensie
Hi there! Lucy Pevensie here! –giggles- If you're Mr Tumnus, I'm a girl, not a beardless dwarf and I'm certainly the tallest girl in my class! –Susan's voice comes- Peter, she's raving again about this Tumnus bloke! CRASH. I'm NOT raving! I've met a real faun! I've been there – Su? Susan, honestly, where are YOU GOING? Beep!
Mr Tumnus
Hello there, Mr Tumnus the Faun here. Humans, go away. You only cause me despair! Please, do you think it was easy being a statue made of stone? I would like to see you try it! And don't even think about receiving an invitation to have tea at my place! Don't even think about flashing those comely little doe eyes at me! They are NOT cute … well, maybe a little but NO! –growls- Beep!
Mr Beaver
Shush. If you want to talk, we shall have it at my place. Not here. Beep!
Mrs Beaver
Oh hullo you dear comely creature, Mrs Beaver here! Do you sell portable sewing machine, by any chance? If you do, leave your name and number! Beep!
Badger
If you're calling, that's only mean one thing. You want to play cards. Jolly good. Tell me your name and address and I'll be there a.s.a.p. Beep!
Father Christmas
Ho ho ho! A special note to the Pevensies: Don't run the next time you see a sleigh. You're tiring my reindeers to the extreme. I must say … trying to break the "barrier" into Narnia for a hundred years is not easy so spare us –pats his reindeer-. Merry Christmas! Er … sorry, wrong season. Ahem. Beep!
Maugrim
This shall be the last you hear from me – well, not unless you keep calling my line then you'll be hearing this message all over again – ahem. I'll die anyway (because the book says so!). You think you're all that but you're NOT, boy! Curse you, Sir Peter the – er … my Bane! Beep!
The dwarf
You must have either lost your sanity or dialled the wrong number. Beep!
Oreius
I must say, sires, I don't deserve such flattery opportunity to own such device … -Aslan, Peter and Edmund all together- It's just an answering machine, get on with it! –Oreius clears his throat- Well then. Hello, allies, come this way. Traitors, back away. If you're King Edmund then it'd be another matter … not that I mean to be harsh, sire but … well … er … well, please leave your number and message after the beep. Beep!
The Fox
-clears throat- Hello there gentle ladies and men … Your Majesties, Lordship, Ladyship … relax, I'm the good guy – er, that's from the movie script. Never mind. It's Mr Fox's answering machine by the way. You know what to do next or do I have to run the manual on how to leave a message after the beep? Just because I said I'm the good guy … -swears- Beep!
Phillip the Talking Horse
I might be a talking horse but an answering machine is taking things a little bit too far, sire. First you called me "horsey". Now THIS? How am I supposed to answer the telephone and push any one of those blasted tiny buttons with my hoof? –Edmund's voice comes indistinctly- Are you quite finished, Phillip? If you do, I'll do the honour to push the button for you. Beep!
The other lion
Greetings! I'm the other lion! Aslan is the greatest lion ever! Yay! –cheers- And when we're together, he'd say "US LIONS"! "US LIONS"! Three cheers for Aslan! –everyone in LWW in the background- SHUT UP! Beep!
The Aslan's Army
-all together- For Narnia, for Aslan! Half of us will die anyway but it's all for Narnia! For Aslan! Beep!
The White Witch's Army
-one of the generals- If we use this answering machine, I can imagine what the first message will be. Hello losers. I don't even want to hear it. So, yes, let's forget – I wonder why this light is on? Beep!
Older Peter/High King Peter the Magnificent
Hail, Narnians. Hail as well to the non-Narnians. I believe you have reached to the High King's line so please state your name as well as your business after the beep. If you happen to be any one of my sisters' suitors, please, the answer is still NO, sir or I shall have my brother King Edmund to shake your big pompous head. And I MEAN it. NO FEAT! Beep!
Older Susan/Queen Susan the Gentle
-dreamy like voice- Wonderful. You have reached Queen Susan's answering machine here. If you're one of my hopeful suitors, please, try any one of my brothers' lines. They'll be more than glad to beat you – I mean, discuss with you. Have a lovely day. –sighs contentedly- Beep!
Older Edmund/King Edmund the Just
I'm King Edmund the Just and always will be the Just. I'm Just enough to listen to your message if you're just Just enough to leave your message after the beep. Thank you. P.S. Do not mention the two deplorable words or you'll have to suffer the consequences. Beep!
Older Lucy/Queen Lucy the Valiant
-giggles- Oh, Queen Lucy the Valiant at your service, as always. Please state your name and business after the beep and I will try to aid you in any way I can. If you're one of my royal sister's suitors, I have only three words for you, sir. JUST HANG UP. Good day. Beep!