Title: The Atlantis Handbook
Author's Note: Sorry this took so long but end of school and moving took up all my time. And well to be honest I ran out of ideas. So everyone this is the last chapter. I hoped you guys enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it.
To everyone who read this, thank you all so much.
And special thanks to Errant of the Violet Shockers, Amon-100, Pyro, Augusta, ROTFL, and SnarkyCoffee for their ideas. Rules 236-245 are all theirs.
And special thanks to my sister. She gave all sort of wonderful ideas.
Rule Two Hundred Thirty-Six: No Boomerangs Off-World.
A. Or Taiahas.
SGA-14 needed to stop playing with dangerous weapons. The natives of the planets they visited didn't like it.
Rule Two Hundred Thirty-Seven: Explosive Experts are no longer allowed to fish with explosives
A. We're running out of pies to calm Squishy down.
B. C4 is expensive people.
C. It's just stupid; someone is going to lose a limb.
Everyone in Atlantis had agreed to this Rule after some of the explosive experts had enraged Squishy by seeing who could catch the biggest fish using C4. Needless to say it took every pie in Atlantis to calm Squishy down. People were not happy about giving up desserts for a week.
Also the Marine Biologists were no longer speaking to said Explosive Experts.
Rule Two Hundred Thirty-Eight: Do not attempt to swing from one balcony to another.
SGA-7 was easily bored and extremely stupid. On the other hand they were extremely lucky. All of them were only slightly injured.
Rule Two Hundred Thirty-Nine: If the natives say "Don't go there, it's dangerous" listen to them.
A. They ought to know after all.
SGA-5 really needed to improve their listening skills. For some reason they seemed to have difficulty with it.
Rule Two Hundred Forty: Do not feed the daisies.
SGA-16 never did have much luck with the floral in the Pegasus Galaxy. In their defense, they hadn't thought that the daisies would mob them for food.
Rule Two Hundred Forty-One: Do not use the Lab animals to terrorize your teammates.
The scientists had a giant centipede/banana slug that freaked the hell out of John. Rodney, upon discovering this, had moved Banana to his lab. John, though he denied it, screamed when Rodney put Banana on his own shoulder and tried to hug John.
Rule Two Hundred Forty-Two: Never ever hide Doctor McKay's laptop.
A. Please, he's the Head Scientist, he has access to everything.
B. And we mean everything. Like footage of the men showering.
C. Ladies, Doctor Weir ensured he cannot get footage of you.
Rodney swore revenge on the person who dared to take his laptop. After seeing what he did to the poor soul who did, everyone else swore they were never touching his laptop.
Rule Two Hundred Forty-Three: Hairspray is not to be used in abundance.
A. Nor is hair gel.
John loudly protested that Rule.
Rule Two Hundred Forty-Four: Do not insult people in other languages.
A. They can always find out what it means from someone else.
One of the linguists thought it would be clever to insult some of the Marines in Russian. The Marines of course asked one of the Russians in Atlantis what those words meant. The Marines were not happy.
Rule Two Hundred Forty-Five: Stalking SGA-1 is not allowed.
SGA-1, while flattered, did not like their fan club.
Rule Two Hundred Forty-Six: By order of Doctor Weir, do not fight over the World Cup.
The Daedalus had brought back the recorded games of the World Cup. So far there had been nine different brawls over the outcomes.
Rule Two Hundred Forty-Seven: Giant slugs are to be handled with respect.
John had thrown Banana. The Science Department was not happy. John wasn't either since he now had an appointment with Heightmayer to talk about his 'bug issues'.
Rule Two Hundred Forty-Eight: Pez Dolls are not to be taken Off-World.
SGA-11 should have known better.
Rule Two Hundred Forty-Nine: The Rainbow Song is not to be sung Off-World.
A. Also please do not tell us where you learned it.
The Rainbow Song was a song sung by the Girl Scouts. SGA-6 was an all male team.
And the locals didn't like the song either to boot.
Rule Two Hundred Fifty: Comic Book fights are not allowed.
A. All involved are to apologize to Colonel Sheppard and his Merry Band of Marines.
B. Now.
The geeks took their comic book obsession very seriously. As the soldiers learned when they tried to break the fight up.
Rule Two Hundred Fifty-One: Do not give other cultures piñatas.
SGA-12 was gleefully corrupting the rest of the Pegasus Galaxy. Personally everyone else thought they were doing it so that SGA-12 would have humorous videos of parents being whacked.
Rule Two Hundred Fifty-Two: Postcards from the Pegasus Galaxy are not to be sent to Earth.
Some of the Atlantis personal had gotten together and made postcards. Then sent them to Earth. Stargate Command discovered them and was not amused. General O'Neil, on the other hand, was and sent a postcard back.
Rule Two Hundred Fifty-Three: Be discrete about the Blessing Ceremonies.
A. You're freaking some people out.
The techs in the Gateroom had taken to saying prayers for the SGA teams as they left. Out loud. Some of the teams were getting nervous.
Rule Two Hundred Fifty-Four: Leave Fluffy and Squishy alone.
Some people, despite living in a Galaxy with space vampires out to kill them all, did not have good survival instincts.
Rule Two Hundred Fifty-Five: Yo-yos stay on Atlantis.
SGA-10 was hopeless. They had a yo-yo war Off-World.
Rule Two Hundred Fifty-Six: Do not talk about Godzilla Off-World.
A. Or dinosaurs.
B. Or King Kong.
C. Or big monsters in general.
SGA-4 had rather gleefully told some locals about the big monsters of Earth and neglected to tell them that said monsters were not real.
Obviously no one from Atlantis was going to be invited back there anytime soon.
Rule Two Hundred Fifty-Seven: Do not talk about horror movies Off-World either.
A. Freddy Kruger especially.
B. JasonVoorhees is on the list too.
C. See complete list in Gateroom.
SGA-13 also decided to start talking about Earth's entertainment. They shouldn't have started with horror movies.
Rule Two Hundred Fifty-Eight: Make no assumptions about genders.
The Daedalus crew thought Atlantis was referring to the fact that each world had its own view on genders.
Atlantis was actually thinking of Squishy. They had assumed Squishy was a boy. Squishy was actually a girl and now the proud mother of Nemo, Marlin, Dory and Crush.
Rule Two Hundred Fifty-Nine: Certain aspects of Earth's culture are not to be taught to the Athosian children.
A. All personal involved- the Athosian parents want to talk to you.
The Atlantis personal were officially the worst baby-sitters in the Pegasus Galaxy. And possibly the Milky Way as well.
Rule Two Hundred Sixty: New personal are to be understanding when asking about Year One.
A. All Old personal now have group therapy with Heightmayer every Thursday and Sunday.
The Old personal was grumbling. The New personal had resolved to just read mission reports. Though all they had asked were what the Supply Wars were about. They had really not expected for the explanation to descend into a fight.
Rule Two Hundred Sixty-One: M&M and Skittle Wars are not allowed either.
A. We have a gym for a reason people.
Surprisingly this time it had been the soldiers who started fighting.
Rule Two Hundred Sixty-Two: Do not fight during the Snuggle Parties.
The Daedalus crew was disturbed when they discovered that Atlantis had Snuggle Parties. When Caldwell asked Elizabeth about them, she told him that the Parties were moral boosters.
Rule Two Hundred Sixty-Three: The Time Warp is not to be sung or danced Off-World.
SGA-9 had watched The Rocky Horror Picture Show the night before their mission. It gave them ideas.
Rule Two Hundred Sixty-Four: The Theological Debates about Star Wars are to stop.
A. If you're going to have them, do not take control of Atlantis's intercom system to have them.
The scientists had taken over the intercom system and subjected Atlantis to a three hour Star Wars theological debate. It probably wouldn't have been that long if the rest of Atlantis hadn't gotten in on it as well. Unsurprisingly the debates led to brawls.
Rule Two Hundred Sixty-Five: The people working the Atlantis's delicate systems are not allowed to say "I have no idea what these buttons do."
The techs in the Gateroom had said that. Right when SGA-15 was about to depart for a mission. SGA-15 refused to go upon hearing that.
No one could blame them. After all no one was still sure what a third of the buttons in Atlantis were for.
Rule Two Hundred Sixty-Six: Do not arm wrestle.
A. Especially if you're Off-World.
SGA-8 had agreed to arm wrestle each other. Of course they agreed to this when they were Off-World.
One of them was in the infirmary with a broken arm but the rest of Atlantis wasn't happy because they lost the trade for candy due to the arm wrestling competition.
Rule Two Hundred Sixty-Seven: Just because SGA-1 brought it back, it doesn't mean it's dangerous.
A. There's caution and then there's paranoia.
Normally when one of the teams managed to secure a trade for food, it was checked by the Medical Department, the Science Department and the Chefs each time once.
When SGA-1 brought something back it was checked three times and the Marines also did their own check. SGA-1 was not amused.
Rule Two Hundred Sixty-Eight: Biting other people is not allowed.
Doctor Malstrom bit Doctor Klinger. He wasn't happy so he bit her back. It led to a very interesting fight.
Rule Two Hundred Sixty-Nine: The Gateroom is not to be sealed off and declared a separate country.
The techs in the Gateroom were attempting to drive Atlantis insane. It probably would have made the rest of Atlantis happy if the techs had at lest tried to deny it.
Rule Two Hundred Seventy: Television is not to be used as an excuse to fight with one another.
A. Knock it off with the Pairing Wars people.
Several fans of certain shows were disagreeing about which character belonged with which character. At first it was amusing, then it was bemusing, then the fighting turned nasty and suddenly it wasn't so funny.
Rule Two Hundred Seventy-One: Panic after the crisis is over.
A. You're no help to anyone if you panic before then.
It was very nice. Harder for some people to listen to but usually those people developed the talent to be able to panic and be helpful at the same time.
Like Rodney.
Rule Two Hundred Seventy-Two: Do not tease people who can kick your ass.
Only one very foolish and stupid person had ever dared to tease Ronon.
The rest of SGA-1 still thought it was a good idea to put it in writing.
Rule Two Hundred Seventy-Three: Stop creating new religions.
A. While we want our time in the Pegasus Galaxy to be positive, that is not what we had in mind.
Atlantis was responsible for a total of fifty-five religions. Elizabeth was not happy.
Rule Two Hundred Seventy-Four: Do not say prayers while running for your life.
A. Concentrate on getting the hell out of there. Pray later.
B. Remember you need the air to run.
SGA-2 had the habit of saying prayers out loud as they ran. It always made them short of breath.
Rule Two Hundred Seventy-Five: Never compare John and Rodney to David and Jonathan- it only makes them think they are worthy of holy status.
A. Which they are not.
John and Rodney were disappointed. They had been having fun with their holy status. Teyla and Ronon hadn't been nearly as amused since they were the ones who constantly dealt with the two of them.
Rule Two Hundred Seventy-Six: Mouse traps are not to be left in hallways.
A. We do not have mice people.
Someone had left a bunch of mouse traps in one of the hallways. Several people hadn't noticed (they were scientists) until the traps attacked them. They were claiming vengeance on whoever left the traps there. And they wanted full time Marine bodyguards.
Rule Two Hundred Seventy-Seven: The Marines are not glorified baby-sitters.
A. Or canon folder.
B. We are here to protect you so when we say 'Move!' you move.
The Marine weren't happy about their treatment. And John was getting tired about arguing with Rodney and Elizabeth about it.
Rule Two Hundred Seventy-Eight: Shouting "Get thee back devil spawns! The power of Christ compels you!" at the Wraith, while funny, is not effective.
A. Shooting them as you yell it is.
SGA-3 had done it first. The rest of the SGA teams weren't far behind them though.
Rule Two Hundred Seventy-Nine: The women are not allowed to raid the men's locker room and steal our towels and clothes.
A. Do you want us to do it to you?
The Rule was self-explanatory.
Rule Two Hundred Eighty: Whip cream is to stay in the Mess Hall.
No one wanted to know what John and Rodney were doing with it. But for some reason Fluffy and Crush loved whip cream now.
Rule Two Hundred Eighty-One: It's the End of the World (As We Know It) by REM is not our theme song.
A. Officially anyway.
Atlantis had an unofficial official theme song. And one that everyone thought was very appropriate.
Rule Two Hundred Eighty-Two: Do not trade the Jell-O.
Atlantis was not thrilled that SGA-3 had agreed to trade Jell-O. Of course SGA-3 hadn't really had a choice; it was the Jell-O or their heads.
Rule Two Hundred Eighty-Three: No Atlantis Personal is allowed to baby-sit.
A. Ever.
B. Fear the day any of us actually have children people.
Apparently it wasn't just human children that the Atlantis personal corrupted. Squishy had to be offered pie again.
And Marlin, Nemo, Dory and Crush were now South Park fans.
Rule Two Hundred Eighty-Four: Running around screaming "My eyes! My eyes!" is not helpful.
A. Grab someone and head to Medical Department.
B. Remember, panic later.
Doctor Biro was apologetic about panicking. It was a little hard to understand her because, in addition to having something in her eye, she ran into a door while panicking and broke her nose.
Rule Two Hundred Eighty-Five: Do not joke about Atlantis sinking.
A. It worries people.
B. We already sank once before. Let's not jinx ourselves okay?
The Original Expedition vividly remembered discovering the Atlantis was underwater at first and what happened in the original timeline. They especially did not appreciate the sinking jokes.
Rule Two Hundred Eighty-Six: Do not joke about Pompeii either.
A. You're jinxing yourself okay?
SGA-13 was already unluckily enough without them accidentally jinxing themselves.
Rule Two Hundred Eighty-Seven: Remember the 50-50-90 rule.
Atlantis grumbled. If it was fifty-fifty chance, ninety percent of the time they were wrong. A couple of people had taken to muttering "What Murphy's Law wasn't enough?" at the ceiling.
Said people now had appointments with Heightmayer.
Rule Two Hundred Eighty-Eight: Do not stick gum in people's hair.
SGA-9 was vicious when mad at each other. Also they were also back in group therapy and Elizabeth was lecturing about their poker games again.
Rule Two Hundred Eighty-Nine: When exiting the Gate Off-World do not do the following:
a. Stick the unofficial Atlantis flag in the ground.
b. Proclaim the land has been conquered in the name of Elizabeth the Great and her Army of Shiny Happy People.
A. Natives will not be amused.
SGA-14's sense of humor was very very strange.
Rule Two Hundred Ninety: Atlantis does not officially have a flag.
A. Just like we don't have a motto or a theme song.
B. Or postcards.
C. Or a gift shop.
D. Or T-shirts.
Technically Atlantis did not have a flag. It only was out when the Daedalus was gone.
Atlantis had a strange sense of humor. But then they were in an entirely different galaxy being hunted by space vampires.
Rule Two Hundred Ninety-One: Revenge is wonderful.
A. As long as it's not Off-World.
SGA-1 was not happy about being turned into five-year olds. Though they were adorable. Of course it had been the minds of SGA-1 in the bodies of their five-year old selves. And everyone discovered Ronon was still scary, even at age five.
Obviously SGA-1 got revenge.
Rule Two Hundred Ninety-Two: The Hula Dance is not to be danced Off-World.
SGA-8 had preformed the Hula Dance for the natives of NHD456. And now the locals made every team that came through to them dance the Hula Dance.
Needless to say SGA-8 was the only team that went there.
Rule Two Hundred Ninety-Three: Do not glomp people Off-World.
SGA-2 liked to glomp people. Then again it wasn't like anyone on Atlantis was going to protest; SGA-2 had Fluffy. They just didn't want Fluffy attacking people Off-World.
Rule Two Hundred Ninety-Four: Gummy Bears are to be eaten properly.
A couple of the SGA teams had taken to playing with the Gummy Bears before savagely biting them. In front of couple of the scientists who were getting a little upset about it. Said scientists were also vowing to never eat Gummy Bears again.
Rule Two Hundred Ninety-Five: All robotic tarantulas are to be disassembled.
A. Except for the ones Fluffy claimed.
The scientists had thought they were being clever. Everyone else disagreed. Fluffy was the only one who liked the tarantulas.
Rule Two Hundred Ninety-Six: Do not tell the natives "Well you're ugly" when they have you in a jail cell.
A. It will just make them mad.
SGA-10, for some reason, took a perverse thrill in pissing off the locals after being thrown into jail cells.
Rule Two Hundred Ninety-Seven: Building bumper cars is not an acceptable use of Lab time.
The scientists were at it again. The soldiers just were the ones that actually injured people with the bumper cars.
Rule Two Hundred Ninety-Eight: Smile like you mean it.
A. Even when you don't.
The best way to make allies was to smile. Even when you really didn't want to. Of course some teams struggled with this one.
Rule Two Hundred Ninety-Nine: Beware the very well armed tiny people.
A. They are vicious.
The locals of NJA4567 might be small but they were nasty fighters. Privately several people on Atlantis referred to them as the Rambo Hobbits.
Rule Three Hundred: Live life to its fullest.
A. We only get one chance after all.
B. Unless you're Daniel Jackson.
The sun was setting as Rodney sent the last Rule. When it was done he leaned back in his chair and smiled. John leaned against the wall and grinned.
"Done?" he asked.
Rodney glanced up and grinned in amusement. John was wearing one of the Atlantis shirts. (It was a black T-shirt with a picture of Atlantis across the middle and Atlantis written in green across the bottom.) Those back on Earth would kill everyone onAtlantis if they saw the shirt.
"Excellent observation Colonel. No wonder they gave you your rank," he smirked. John rolled his eyes.
Teyla interrupted. "May we go then? I am eager to see this new movie."
Ronon nodded in agreement. "You said there were a lot of explosions in this one."
"I should have known you'd like those types of movies," Rodney groaned as he stood up.
"Ah you know you like them," John teased as he fell in step with Rodney.
"Not hardly, Colonel," Rodney sniffed.
"I thought you liked mocking the science in these movies?" Teyla asked as she smiled at him.
Rodney smiled back. "Of course. When do I not like mocking idiots?"
"Never," Ronon replied.
"That is true," John sounded amused.
"Let's just get this over with," Rodney sighed. Privately, though, he smiled. The Adventure of a Lifetime was never dull. Not with these people around.
Of course it would take a miracle (him) to keep them alive.
The End.