AN: This is my first time trying out Sano/Megumi pairing. The song is "If I never knew you" from Pocahontas. Hope you enjoy this one-shot. Please review!
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin nor do I own the song I used in this fic, "If I never knew you."
If I Never Knew You
By Winds of Fortune
"Damnit!"
He slammed the door, making it shake on its hinges. He was angry, more than a little pissed off. It seemed like all they ever do was fight nowadays. Only this time it wasn't like the other arguments.
"I think we should take a break."
The words hurt even now. And what was worse was that he had said them, not her. Sanosuke jammed his fists into his pockets, exercising all his self control not hit to something. He'd already spent the past hour destroying his apartment. He didn't know what had come over him. 'Taking a break' was equivalent to 'breaking up' in any relationship, wasn't it?
But maybe what he had said was true.
Maybe they did need a break from each other.
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If I never knew you
If I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be
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"Maybe we've just been together for too long." Her voice was strong, not a hint of her despair showed through as Megumi tried to explain herself to her friend. "We've just lost that feeling. We've lost whatever it was that held us together. All we ever do is fight. We'd bicker about every little thing. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be."
Kaoru tried to find the right words, anything to comfort her. "When we see you two together, you were always fighting. But that was just how it was with you guys! They were just little arguments, nothing serious. It was what brought you two together."
Megumi shook her head, staring blankly at her half empty glass of Scotch. "Not this time."
They'd lost that spark in the relationship. Maybe it isn't worth all this heartache and pain. He was right this time, they should just break up.
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And if I never held you
I would never have a clue
How, at last, I'd find in you
The missing part of me
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The first time he met her, he thought she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. She was wearing a typical black gown at a club, sitting at the bar with that exasperated look on her face as her friend tried to pull her onto the dance floor. Even from across the room, as he hit on many under-aged girls, he kept an eye on her. He never did tell her he saw her that night.
Imagine his surprise when a week later, she walked in on him as he visited his friend Kenshin at the hospital.
"What exactly do you think you're doing with alcohol in here?" She asked acidly before turning her glare to Kenshin. "And you better not be consuming that stuff."
Kenshin's hand flew up in protest, innocent grin already set in place. Needless to say, even as Sanosuke stood up to pick a fight with her, he knew he'd already lost the argument.
On his way out, escorted by his pals, the security guards, he had only one thought on his mind: Damn, she was one sexy doctor.
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In this world so full of fear
Full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear in your eyes
So dry your eyes
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Megumi surveyed the room before her. She'd declined Kaoru's offer to walk her back. It was nice to have a friend to talk to, but she needed time to think. Everywhere she looked, there were little reminders of him. On her couch was the teddy bear he'd won for her. She could still see that gigantic grin on his face as he threw the hammer down with an "I told you so" look on his face. She chuckled softly to herself. He'd always been so egotistical about his strength.
Before she could help it, she felt the tears prick her eyelids. Images kept going through her head, with each memory, she could feel the sob breaking through. Their first kiss. Granted he was drunk, but it was a sweet kiss. The first time he said he loved her, she knew he meant it. The time he took her fishing. He didn't know what he was doing, but he was determined to catch something for their dinner.
Curling up on her sofa, Megumi hugged her knees to her chest and buried her face into them. Lightly rocking back and forth, she let herself cry. Sometimes tears were okay.
Even as she cried, even as she told herself that he should go to hell, she wondered why he hadn't called.
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I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we made the whole world bright
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"She just pisses me off sometimes!" Sanosuke said vehemently, slamming his fist onto the table, making people around him jump in surprise. His friend nodded sympathetically.
"Nothing I do is ever right. When I see her, I don't want to hear her nagging at me! I don't want to listen to her gripe about her shit. I get enough of that already. Sometimes, I just want peace and quiet." Sanosuke reasoned.
"Does she not give you peace and quiet? If she doesn't give you a sense of comfort, then why is it that you go to her?" His friend asked, a rather confused look on his face, not meaning to insult or question Sano.
Because he loves her. Because seeing her made it all okay. Because even when she was yelling at him, he knew she meant well. But those were things he couldn't say out loud, things he'd never admit to.
"It's not that," was his belated response. "I just – I wish she would understand how much effort I'm making – WAS making."
None of that mattered anymore. He didn't need her in his life. He'll go back to his gambling ways, his drinking ways, his not-good-enough-for-her ways.
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I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong
All they'd leave us were these whispers in the night
But still my heart is saying we were right
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She couldn't even remember what their argument was about anymore. Something stupid, that's for sure. She felt like such a fool. Why couldn't she just go easy on him? Why must she nitpick at every little thing he does?
And why did this have to be the one fight she lost at?
"Fine!" She'd yelled angrily, practically ripping the ring off her finger, "Take your stupid ring and your stupid rooster head and get the hell out of here!"
She'd thrown the engagement ring at him, noting the shocked look on his face, knowing he hadn't meant to call off the engagement. She didn't win the argument, although at the time she almost felt like she did.
She tried to think back to four years ago when they first met. Her life had changed so drastically. She'd been depressed, living life as though there was nothing left in it for her. There was something about Sano. He brought a smile to her face even when they argued. And there were times when he knew just what was bothering her, when he'd suddenly be a great listener. Times that made her feel like she was so lucky to have him.
What had she done?
She didn't want to break up with him. She didn't want to call off their engagement. It'd only been a month since he proposed.
Almost trippingly, she made her way out the door, carelessly brushing the tears from her face. What could she do without Sano in her life besides wait and wait for something to come her way?
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I thought our love would be so beautiful
We'd turned the darkness into light
And still my heart is saying we were right
---------------------------------
Amazingly enough, he wasn't drunk when he returned to his half smashed room. Slightly buzzed from the sake, he could still make out the framed photo of her at his bedside. He couldn't bring himself to break it, no matter how angry he had been. It was taken a year ago, while they were enjoying a stroll back to her apartment. There was such a smooth peace to her face, one rarely seen. It was that blissful look on her face that he loved. That part of her that was always there hidden somewhere.
He was a fool. He realized it now. He was wrong, always so horribly wrong. It was a mistake to break it off with her, he had only been angry at the time, had had no intention of calling off their entire relationship.
Sano glanced around his messier than usual room. Did it matter? The fact that they argued all the time wasn't important to him anymore.
What had he been before he met her? Just another man on the streets, destined for a road to failure. He'd been a gambler with a dream of one day getting lucky. But that day just never came, his debts mounted up. His drinking got worse. And he was headed for disaster any way you look at it.
He could have lived like that his whole life, but he didn't. He met Megumi. And because of her, he knew what it was like to make his own income, to change, to have a meaning. He was no longer walking on clouds, trying just to hang on.
Suddenly, he dropped to his knees, rummaging frantically through the mess of thrown clothes, smashed books and other utilities. He knew he'd thrown the ring somewhere into this pig pen. He just had to find it now.
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She hadn't expected the proposal. That day when he took her by the lake and sat her on the bench, she'd actually been in a fairly bad mood. When she thought back, it was obvious how hard he tried to work up the nerve to get on his knees.
"What are we doing here, Sanosuke?" She'd asked with an irritated tone, "I'm tired and I want to go home and sleep."
"Wait, just.. sit here with me for a while." He wouldn't turn to face her and it was beginning to frustrate her.
She grabbed his arm and pulled on it, "Just spit it out, rooster head, before I get mad."
"Jeez you're impatient," Sano muttered, probably wanting to just forget the whole thing.
Then out of no where, he stood up and dropped to his knee. Just like that. He didn't even say anything, just stuck a ring out at her and stared. He was probably trying tremendously hard to come up with something intelligible to say, but nothing seemed to work.
Megumi had jumped up with him. She'd stared down at him with her eyes opened wide, her hands to her face, whispering "Oh my god, oh my god," repeatedly.
"Do you want it or not?" He'd growled none too politely, jerking the ring out at her.
That day she'd taken the ring and accepted his promise to be with her forever.
Sitting on the very bench where he'd proposed to her, Megumi felt the tears coming again. Damn, she hated the fact that she couldn't get her mind off Sano. Even though she wanted to get away, she ended up at this lake, staring out into the peaceful abyss and wondering about all that could have been. It was all too late now, it was too late to regret, too late to hope.
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And if I never knew you
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"Megumi?"
He hadn't expected to see her here, much less for her to pat the seat next to her and invite him to sit.
"Have you been crying?" Sano asked. He hated to see her cry. It had always made him uncomfortable because part of him knew that she cried for or because of him.
She rubbed her puffy eyes, "No, I wasn't, why would I be crying?"
"Right."
They sat in silence for a long time, just looking out into the lake. It was nighttime, the birds were tucked away in their nests, and the lake was a smooth mirror reflecting the moon in all its splendor.
"Do you think maybe, if I wasn't such a nag, and you weren't such an alcoholic, things would have worked out between us?"
Sano shifted uncomfortably in his seat, leaning his arm against the back of the bench. "No," he said rather bluntly.
Her face fell, her stony façade slipped away. "Oh," her voice was small, "so that's it, huh?"
He didn't have an answer for her. He loved her with all his heart. Just sitting here next to her, he could feel it. When he wasn't with her, things just didn't feel right. He hated that he seemed to depend on her more than she depended on him. It made him feel insecure. And there was no way in hell he'd ever admit to that insecurity.
"You're so annoying," Megumi suddenly lashed out, "I hate how you always have this huge ego. I hate how you never tell me what you're thinking. I hate that I can't understand what's going on in your head." She was half yelling at him. "I hate that I'M the one who has to feel sorry for myself, who has to cry over you and get heart broken over you. I'M the one that worries about your health, and wonders if you're doing fine. When I don't see you, I go crazy, because I'm afraid you're back out on the street, fighting stupidly like you always do."
"How do you think I feel? I'm trying my best to change who I was. I'm trying to become good or whatever for you and your self-righteous ways. Isn't that a little unfair? How I have to change myself for you? What have you contributed to this relationship? What the hell am I trying so hard for?"
They were both on their feet, standing two feet apart and yelling at each other now.
"Sano, stop it! Don't try to put yourself in the place of the victim!"
"Oh what, I'm not! You're the one who threw the ring at me!"
"You're the one who said we should go on a break!"
He had nothing to say to that, could think of nothing else to say. She was right. He had started it. He'd brought this upon both of them.
"I said let's take a 'break,'" he finally managed, "not 'break up.' I didn't want us to break up."
"So what? What are you trying to say?"
"I'm saying – I don't know what the hell I'm saying. All I know is I didn't want to break up with you!"
He plunked himself down on the bench angrily. He couldn't tell her how he felt. He couldn't ask her to marry him again. Not now. Not when it was so obvious they shouldn't be together. Even when they were trying to say "sorry" they ended up at each others throats.
And then she began to cry. Her head hung and her shoulders shook as she stood there before him, stubbornly facing the ground.
It was instinct at first, but as soon as he put his arms around her again, he knew this was where he was meant to be. To hell with his pride and dignity and whatever. Damn he was a fool.
"Megumi, we suck at this relationship thing. We fight all the time. Every time we try to hold a conversation we end up fighting or making bets that are never carried out. Half the time you're trying to rip out my hair. The other, I'm just trying to run away."
Her face was buried into his chest so her voice was muffled when she remarked, "Is that supposed to comfort me?"
"We're so different. You're the one with the job. I'm the one spending all your money. They say we're not meant to be, that we just get on each others nerves. I feel like I'm the only one depending on you! That you're this strong pillar supporting me throughout my life. Without you, what would I be? Look at me! I'm a drunk, a gambler, a no good low life in everyone's eyes while you're the doctor, the respectable one."
He fumbled with his thoughts, trying to make her see, "We couldn't possibly be in a relationship if you weren't a nag and I weren't an alcoholic. Don't you see? That's not us."
"Yes of course I see, you stupid rooster head." Megumi's heart wanted to explode. She couldn't be without him. No matter how much they argued with one another, no matter how angry they were with each other, she could never live without him. Not now, not when she knows what its like to have him in her life. "I don't care that you spend all my money. I don't care that you're unreliable or gamble all the time. God, Sano, I just worry, that's all."
"If I never knew you…"
"Oh shush," Megumi growled, her head still buried deep into Sanosuke's chest. "Don't talk about ifs or whens."
Sano pushed her away, rummaging into his pocket. "I never did get to do it right the first time." And with that, he dropped on his knees and proposed a second time.
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If I never knew you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Empty as the sky
Never knowing why
Lost forever
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They never did say sorry to each other. Apologies were overrated anyway. And heck, there were plenty of arguments to come and plenty of fights. No one said their relationship was easy. But..
Sano hid the grin on his face as he dodged a punch from Megumi.
"You've lost all your money again haven't you?" She yelled, hitting him as many times as she could.
"Now now," Sano attempted to defend himself, "No need to get so worked up." They were on their way home after a day out.
His words fell on deaf ears and she just kept droning on about his complete lack of responsibility. He hadn't really been gambling. He'd spent the day buying her flowers and had run home and back in order to surprise her.
They're going to be okay, Sano thought as he walked alongside her, watching the lilt of her head as she admonished him about his evil deeds.
Hells, he grinned to himself, if I never knew you...
:End:
4.7.06